Free To Be Alone

Disclaimer: Not mine. I don't own Supernatural, Jared, Jensen, Sam, Dean, the concepts, or anything related to them, and I'm certainly not making any money off of them or this.

Lucifer's vessel. Sam stands in the middle of the room. He notices that his fingers are trembling, minutely. That's what you did – drinking the blood. You made yourself into the perfect vessel for Lucifer. Blindly, he turns, reaching out for help, even just a hand to keep him standing, but there's no hand there. He stumbles back to the bed and collapses on it. Images flashed through his mind.

Ruby, spread out on the bed, a beguiling smile on her lips as she offers the knife to Sam and glances at her wrist.

Dean, flat on his back among the glass, coughing as he tries to regain the breath that Sam choked out of him. "You walk out that door, don't you ever come back!" Sam turns and walks out. He can make it on his own. He's going to show them all. He can be trusted.

Lillith, pinned up against the altar in her sacrifice white dress, laughing and taunting him, saying that he'd changed himself irrevocably for nothing. He hasn't. He wouldn't. No, he's going to save the world. He has to, has to show Dean –

A choked sob pushes its way past his lips. Dean. He was right all along, and you know it. The need for his big brother surges up in him, doubling Sam over with the desire. Dean was right all along; he'd know what to do. But he's not here. He's gone. You suggested that you split up, and he agreed so quickly, because he's sick of waiting on your ass and fixing your mistakes.

Dean taps his fingers on the steering wheel. He wants to turn on the radio, sing along, but it isn't the same without Sam there to bitch about his singing and choice of songs. Castiel would just ignore him, sitting there and staring straight ahead as if he Dean's voice means nothing to him. It probably does mean nothing to him, Dean thought morosely. After all, he zapped out of here soon as he could. No need to sit and listen to you wax eloquent about your feelings. Sam would've – no. He cuts himself off. Sam's gone, and it's good.

Seeing a sign for a motel up ahead, he abruptly changes lanes and pulls in. Fuck the apocalypse. He's getting drunk tonight.

It only takes a minute, and then he's unlocking his room (for a night). He tries not to let the fact that it's a single disturb him. He sets up by rote, only having to remind himself two or three times that Sam's not there; he can't yell for Sam to bring him the salt or to double check the areas of the room he's done. A few minutes – a lifetime – later he's done, and he settles down on the bed, cradling his liquor to him.

Sam stares at his phone's contact list. Dean. He could call – it'd be so easy to call, to hear Dean's voice again. If Dean would pick up. That thought hurts, and Sam doesn't want to admit that he's not sure if Dean would pick up. Besides, it's a quarter after one in the morning, and Dean should be sleeping. Right. Instead, Sam flips to the saved messages.

"One saved message," says the cold, robotic female voice on the phone. "Main menu. To listen to your message, press one. To send a message, press-" Sam cuts it off, pressing one.

"First saved message. 'Listen to me, you bloodsucking freak…'"

Sam blinks away the tears and just listens. It isn't Dean, here and now, but it's better than nothing, right? And besides, this is how Dean really feels. You better make sure you know that. Freak.

An hour or two later, Dean is well and truly drunk, and lonely as fuck. Dad's gone. Sam is gone. Hell, even Cas is gone. He takes another shot (or maybe two, or three – he can't really judge how much he's drinking at a time now) – and pulls out his phone. I'm not gonna call, he tells himself. Just – just want to check. He scrolls through the contacts, struggling to focus his eyes on the letters. Sammy. Why the hell'd I list him under 'Sammy' instead of 'Sam'? Musta been my idea of a joke…

But the loneliness only increases as he sees Sam's name, knows that his Sammy is just a phone call away. Yeah, so is Sam, but so is Sammy, and really, what's the difference now? Sam's still Sammy, right? But Sammy screwed up, apocalypse big time…

Dean glances at the clock. 1:16. No way Sam'd still be up, not if he's tryin' to live normal. I'll just listen to his voicemail recording, he tells himself. And I'll hang up if he answers. Yeah.

Dean hits 'OK', then listens impatiently – to the busy signal? What the hell? Thought cell's didn't have busy signals… Then the meaning sinks in. Sam's talking. To someone else. At 1:16 in the morning.

Desolation fills him. Didn't take him too long, huh? He's already found someone else – a girl, a friend, anyone – to take my place. Musta been easy. After all, it's not like I ever did anything for him, just tried to stop him from starting the damn apocalypse… He knows he's being irrational, but it doesn't matter. Sam is busy, no time to talk to Dean. Best not to interrupt him, huh?

He throws the phone across the room, ignoring the crack as it hits the wall, and leans back on the bed. He takes another long drink, getting ready for his long night hanging out with Jim, Jack, and Jose. They're plenty of company for him. Plenty.

When the voicemail finishes, Sam flips the phone shut, not even noticing the missed call alert. He sits, head in his hands. He'll call later and let Dean know about the fact that he's Lucifer's vessel. But for now – for now he's just going to sit. Sit, and try to push back the despair.

Author's Note: This was somewhat inspired by Lady Antebellum's song "I Need You Now". I know in the song it's really more a couple, but the emotion just felt like Sam and Dean to me (regardless of whether you're a Wincest shipper or not – I think this can be read either way). So, yes, there's a small nod to the song in the piece. Also, "Jim, Jack, and Jose" – I'm trying to reference back to the pilot some.

This is completely unbeta'd, and I really wanted more just to convey the feelings than worry about strict accuracy of how things work, but I hope it's not too unbelievable. I hope you enjoyed it!

Reviews are amazing, and I'll take any and all to improve my writing!