Allen's life is like a Boat, a d.gray-man fanfic

Um yeah, my first attempt at a song fic... If this is what a song fic is..Never actually read one...

Song: The English lines in "life is like a boat" by Rie Fu, so the rest of the song isn't here. I don't know what the Japanese verses say, so it's more like half a song fic.

Nobody knows who I really am
I never felt this empty before
And if I ever need someone to come along
Who's gonna comfort me
and keep me strong?

'Allen?'

The voice shook me from my thoughts and I looked around, alarmed and embarrassed at being caught in the act of crying. Lavi was poking his head through my door. How long had he been standing there?
I hastily wiped my eyes on my sleeve, my heart beating a mile a minute.

'Are you ok there buddy?' he smiled at me nervously as though afraid of the answer. He looked concerned, but he probably wasn't really interested in my tears. He himself had said he was detached from other humans, so he was merely asking as a courtesy. I smiled and nodded like I knew he wanted me to.

'Yes, I'm fine. My allergies are just acting up; I should really dust in here.'

'Oh, ok.. I thought I heard sobbing... Well I guess I was wrong,' he smiled that carefree smile of his, 'see ya.'

I waved and said a farewell and he shut the door with a click. He was a nice person and I liked him, but he didn't know what it was like to face the death of a parents anniversary and be sad. It was best if I didn't tell him.

It was best if I didn't tell anyone.

We are all rowing a boat of fate
the waves keep on coming and we can't escape
but if we ever got lost on our way
the waves will guide you to another day

After all, what good would it be? This was my burden, my sorrow. It was ok I felt sad, after this day four years ago the one precious person in my life was lost forever, the only one who had ever cared for me.
I would mourn today, then I would take a deep breath and push through, I would keep walking. I didn't need to bring everyone down with my moping anyway. Mana was dead and crying and complaining wouldn't bring him back, so once a year I would let out my agony in secret, and face everyone the next day with a smile.
And then everything would be alright.

I would keep walking as my father wished.

Nobody knows who I really am
maybe they just don't give a damn
but if I ever need someone to come along
I know you will follow me and keep me strong

In my lonely world I sometimes yearn for comfort, and so, I think about Mana and the good times we had together while he was alive. Even if he was dead, Mana was still my one precious person, the one I live for, my father, for that was his dying wish for me.
I will stay strong for the only person who has and who will truly care for me that deeply.

Still, I wish...

I feel hot liquid drip onto my clenched fist as another rush of loneliness overtakes me. I am unable to hold back several sharp sobs.
I reach for the tissue box on my bedside, and realise I've used them all up. Almost an entire box in less then a day. How pitiful. Then...

'Here.'

Another box is shoved into my hands gently, and I look up, shocked, my heart stopping for a moment. Lavi is back, an understanding smile on his normally cheerful face. I gape, trying to come up with an explanation involving really bad allergies that make me spontaneously sob, but he holds up his hand.

'I know you don't have allergies Allen.'

Before I can even blink, he sits next to me and takes me in his arms, pressing my cheek so I'm resting against his warm chest. I can hear his strong heartbeat, and for some reason, being held and comforted makes me cry harder even though I do my best to hold the tears back.

'It's ok...' his voice is full of loving warmth, 'its ok to tell people when you're upset.'

It's confusing. How does he know? How does he know I need a hug, instead of being interrogated as to why I am in this state?

And every time I see your face
the oceans heave up to my heart
you make me wanna strain at the oars
and soon I can see the shore

Oh I can see the shore
When will I see the shore?

'L-Lavi...' my voice trembled slightly after I had run out of tears. I felt a small light flickering in my chest, but I didn't let it grow out of caution. What if he didn't really care? What if that was merely part of his "act"? After I had found out about his so called act it hadn't made me like him any less, but it had made me see him in a different light. And yet... Back in the ark...With Roads dream...

What that been about if it was all an act?

'Yeah?' he let me pull away from his safe embrace so I could breathe better. I wanted to wash my face, but this came first.

'Why...?'

'Why did I come in to help you?' he finished my question, 'Cos you needed it, and cos I can't stand to see you cry.'

'Bu-but Bookman told me...And then when I asked you about it...' I stuttered, trying to get everything out quickly, hoping and yet not hoping at the same time. He moved a little closer, smiling sadly.

'Well... I had to tell you that cos Bookman was watching. Panda doesn't realise it yet, but I'm actually a massive failure at my job, even more so then he thinks already. I... I really care about you Allen. I'm sorry if it felt like I didn't.

I want you to know who I really am
I never thought I'd feel this way towards you
and if you ever need someone to come along
I will follow you and keep you strong

The light in my chest grew, and I felt warm all over. My heart quickened slightly, a strange comfortable yet queasy pace i had seldom felt before. He smiled at me, that dazzling cheerful grin of his, and then he wiped the dried tears on my face away with his sleeve and helped me stand up.

'Come on, lets go get you cleaned up,' he said, a slight chuckle in his voice, 'You look like a drowned rat.'

I was too happy at that moment to pout and retaliate. He led me into the bathroom in my room, got a washcloth from the sink cabinet, wet it it under the tap, and turned to me, cupping my cheek to hold my face still as he gently but firmly ran the soothing cool cloth over my tear-abused skin. I smiled, suddenly feeling awkward and shy.

'L-Lavi...'

'Hm?'

'Today is the anniversary of my father's death...'

'Oh I see...' he nodded in understanding. 'Quite a coincidence, last week was the anniversary of both my parents death...'

I blinked in surprise. I had not thought of it until now, but Tuesday last week, the bookman-to-be standing before had been acting distant and a little confused at some points, being unnaturally quiet. However, we had been on a mission at the time, and I was busy so I hadn't pursued it. My heart ached slightly.

The sense of suffering alone...Had he felt it too? Had he thought no one would understand?
I stared at my feet guiltily. 'Lavi...' I said again.

'Hm?' he answered again.

I didn't know what I wanted to say, so I did the only thing I knew that could possibly ebb the sadness. I stepped forward and hugged I'm tightly.
I could practically see him smile as he patted my head.

'Thanks Allen.'

I would keep walking like Mana told me, but perhaps I didn't need to walk alone?

And every time I see your face
the oceans heave up to my heart
You make me wanna strain at the oars
and soon I can see the shore

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