Edit: Sorry for the repeat upload, an annoying glitch on my end meant something went wrong as far as the document/ story upload goes.
"Give it up..."
"Hey, Naruto..."
"Yeah?"
"I'm..."
Naruto Uzumaki looked up at his old friend, and saw him struggle on a word he tried hard to get out. His dark eyes were screwed up in effort, and his hands clenched tightly around the railing until his knuckles were white. It was night time, and there was a soft breeze that lightly ruffled his messy dark hair. It felt strange to be near him again like this, not to fear him, not to feel confusion or sadness for him, to stand and face one another again as they had done all those years ago. They stood on a balcony outside the Hokage's office, and everywhere was silent. Beyond the buildings with their dimly-lit windows and small rows of trees, Naruto could make out the stone path underneath the light of the lamp posts where Sakura had woken up that terrible morning and brought him the worst news of his life.
Finally, the boy beside him could take it no more, and the words tumbled out of his mouth in a rush: "I'm sorry."
He straightened up and shook his head. Getting the words out seemed to have given him a little more strength, for his pale hands let go of the railings and he took a deep breath. He faced Naruto and their eyes locked onto one another, his moody black ones meeting the other's cerulean ones.
"Naruto... I'm sorry," Sasuke said.
Naruto felt his heart lift. A smile lifted the corners of his mouth, and he felt so full with happiness he thought he might burst. After waiting for so long... after all the pain he had experienced and the lengths he had gone to... finally...
He beamed at his best friend. "Don't worry about it."
Naruto blinked, and the streets of Konoha disappeared and were replaced by a small digital alarm clock blinking in the gloomy silence of his small bedroom. The clock read 3:06.
He let out a long sigh and felt the familiar sensation of hard, cold disappointment in the pit of his stomach. He had been dreaming about it again. It had all been a dream, just a blissful fantasy that allowed him to escape the harsh reality he met with everyday: that Sasuke had not come home, that Sasuke had not been home for nearly four years, and no matter how hard he tried, Sasuke did not seem to want to come home. He turned over onto his back and stared at the ceiling, aware that he would not be able to go back to sleep now, feeling frustrated. This made it the third week in a row.
Naruto had had these dreams ever since Sasuke left, but only once every couple of months at the most, when he had been thrown into confusion or felt a small surge of hopelessness over his situation. They had soon gone away and his optimism returned. He had one the night after their first meeting after two and a half years apart; he had had several as a result of the aftermath of their last few 'run-ins'. But they had been a while ago now. Naruto had not seen Sasuke for several months.
Yet these dreams had come back to plague him. They changed - from the imagined reconciliation that brought him back down to earth with a rather painful bump, to the stuff of nightmares that had him waking up in a sweat. Dreams filled with blood and pain, with fears he never allowed himself to realise, with battles to the death and only one or no survivors. They'd increased in frequency - from one nearly every week to one every night for three weeks now, causing him to wake up in the middle of the night with no hope of drifting off again, leaving him with his thoughts in a haze and exhaustion the next morning.
As much as he liked to pretend the reason for this eluded him, he knew well enough why it was happening. He could feel the hopelessness and doubt he constantly tried to overthrow feed on him everyday, seeping into his thoughts and leeching him of happiness. Sasuke is not coming back, he would tell himself. He'll never come back.
No, a second, more defiant voice would answer. Of course he is. We just need to show him the right way, that's all. And the darker feelings inside Naruto would vanish.
But the second voice no longer spoke.
His head turned to the side and gazed at the picture on his other bedside table. It was Team 7 in the old days; him, Sakura, Kakashi and, of course, Sasuke. Sakura was in the middle, as was customary, beaming at the camera. It had been taken a few days after the teams had been assigned, and she was still ecstatic to be on Sasuke's team. Kakashi had his hand on both boys' heads, trying to smile but looking a little worse for wear after, Naruto knew, attempting to quell Sasuke's protests about being in the photo of all and Naruto not wanting to be in the same picture as him. Their attitudes were reflected in their poses - Naruto's arms were folded and his face set in a stubborn frown, while Sasuke stood rigidly and stared away from the camera, clearly wishing he was elsewhere. Usually a source of comfort and reassurance to him, the picture only aggravated the painfully empty void he felt deep within himself.
His eyes lingered on the moody, dark-haired boy in the photograph.
"I'm sorry, Sasuke," he whispered to it. "But I don't think I've got the strength left to fight for you anymore."
The days passed into weeks before turning into months, and soon the cold breeze of autumn turned into the bitter winds of winter. Konoha woke up one morning to find itself under a thin sheet of snow, and the advancement of Christmas could be marked by hearing the excited squeals of the academy students having snowball fights between lessons. There was a sense of relief amongst the shinobi of the Hidden Village in the Leaves; what had been a tense and difficult year for it was finally coming to an end, and the tension that had been running high was finally coming down. Missions were few and far between around this time of year - the drastic and unpredictable weather made conditions so difficult that most, shinobi or not, tended to keep a low profile over the winter months, and not much needed to be done. As a result, much of the town threw themselves enthusiastically into preparing for Christmas this year, from top-rank Jounin to lowly Genin. All except one.
Christmas meant little to Naruto this year. Instead of being at the forefront of the "decorating" (which usually resulted in an explosion of tinsel and baubles for whichever room he attacked first) and beginning snowball fights, as he usually did at this time of year, he kept himself away from all the festivities. There was no giddy excitement, no joy, but the empty feeling that had been accosting him for a while now. Christmas, to him, was insignificant and pointless, and the further away he was from it all, the better. He had grown too old for it, he reasoned with himself. That was all. He ignored the dull, throbbing pain that seized him when he spotted children chasing after their parents, or brothers toyfighting with one another in the snow. He impatiently brushed away the mysterious wetness in his eyes and coughed away the lump in his throat that appeared when he remembered that this year would be his first Christmas without Jiraiya there...
Naruto was woken one morning after having just fallen into a light, fitful sleep by a knock on his apartment door. He had been awake half the night after waking with a start from a nightmarish dream where he had killed...
Shaking his head in a daze, he stumbled out of bed and shuffled across the cold wooden floor as the caller tapped lightly again. He opened the door, trying to hide a huge yawn with the back of his hand. It was Sakura, looking marginally brighter and well-rested than he did. She was carrying a large box and wearing a Santa hat, but her smile faltered slightly when she saw Naruto.
"Morning, Sakura," he mumbled sleepily. "You're here early."
"Well, it is 9 o'clock..." she replied, taking in his appearance as a small crease appeared between her eyes. "Were you asleep?"
"Sort of." He did not like the worried way in which she was looking at him. "I was... nevermind. What's in the box?"
"Oh, this?" She flipped open the lid, and inside were an assortment of brightly-coloured baubles and tree decorations. "I'm on my way to Tsunade's office. Me and some of the others are going to decorate it - in all the chaos of making sure everywhere else was Christmassy, she forgot about her own place, so we're going to surprise her... I just came by to see if you wanted to come?"
Both of them were aware that her visit was pointless - Sakura had been trying to get Naruto 'back into the Christmas spirit' (as she called it) repeatedly, but to no avail. He had, politely enough but still resolutely, refused all her invitations to go out anywhere or help out with anything, using an abundance of excuses that had gradually dwindled down into the same old, "I'm training."
As she expected, he shook his head. "No thanks, you go on ahead. I've got to tra-"
"Naruto, you've done nothing BUT train for months," she said, an edge to her voice now. "You need to take a break. Come on, Kiba and Shikamaru and everyone is going to be there - and you can make her office look as ridiculous as you want! I'm not taking no for an answer," she added, noticing the hesitant look on his face.
He turned his gaze to the floor, leaning against the doorframe. There was a silence while he debated whether putting in an appearance for a few minutes and leaving or persuading Sakura otherwise was the lesser of two evils. A soft, pleading voice broke his thoughts.
"Please, Naruto. It's Christmas Eve-"
He looked up at that. "It is?"
"Yeah!"
A spare glance at the calender hanging above his bedside table told him she was right. His face barely registered much surprise or interest at the news, but it felt strange to him that it had arrived so quickly. Then again, he couldn't remember the last time he had bothered to check the date. The only thing that seemed to be on his mind recently was time, and the long, agonising hours he spent before sunrise wrestling with his thoughts.
"So... please? Just this once? For me? Please, Naruto... I'm really worried about you, and I don't want you to be alone for Christmas, so..."
Her heartfelt concern for him caused unpleasant pangs of guilt to flare up in his stomach, and he let out a long sigh, running his fingers through his toussled hair. No matter how he had felt recently, she was still very important to him, and he hated causing her pain and worry like this. He could put up with it, he thought. Just put in an appearance to make her happy, and then he could leave.
"Yeah," he said after a pause. "Yeah, all right. I'll go."
Her face instantly lit up, and her smile came back. Naruto returned it half-heartedly.
"Great! I'll see you there in a bit! I'll make sure to tell the others you're coming! And wear something festive!" she said brightly, and turned to go back down the hall. "Bye!"
"See you."
He shut the door and turned back to his room, thinking. Her voice echoed in his mind... 'you've done nothing but train.' So she had noticed. For months, Naruto did little else but get up as early as possible, get dressed and head toward the Konoha training grounds, and he did not return until well after dinnertime. It distracted him, and provided his thoughts with something else to focus on to the point that for most of the day, he did not have to think or feel about anything other than training; it was difficult to try and meditate on complicated emotions whilst focusing on hitting a target or avoiding attack, and it had become almost an addiction, a safety net for him to fall back on. It was not unusual practice for him to go in the middle of the night either, when his dreams disturbed him, and it become common knowledge that if anyone wished to find Naruto, your best bet would be the training grounds.
There had been benefits. His skills in combat and markmanship had improved tenfold; he had learned to be strategic and tactical rather than rushing in head first and learned to study his opponent; he was faster, more agile, and his jutsu became more refined and powerful. He had, during this time, managed to pass his Chunin exam with flying colours, and the judges had remarked he was one of the most talented and devoted young shinobi he had ever seen. Stealth naturally came to him now his hot-headed demeanour had gone, and he had shed his bright orange jumpsuit in favour of the more traditional shinobi wear of black pants, shirt and green jacket with the Konoha symbol.
To those who didn't know him, it was a remarkable improvement. Naruto had grown up at last, the elders remarked to one another. But to those closest to him, it was close to a disaster. Kakashi, Tsunade and Sakura in particular had noticed the change in him, and they felt powerless. They could not reach him no matter how hard they tried, and it caused them pain to see him this way - solemn, serious, distant. Sakura recalled with bitter irony how she used to yell at him for his behaviour, to scold him and tell him that he should behave more like Sasuke - be cool, calm and efficient. Now she would give anything in the world to hear that loud, obnoxious laugh again, to watch him dive head first into a situation and bungle it, cracking a joke, to see that jumpsuit she used to tease him about for being an eyesore. Anything. But she could do nothing.
And although Naruto didn't know it, but it killed her each and everyday to see him that way.
Naruto almost immediately regretted his decision as soon as he set foot in Tsunade's office. It was full of paper chains, tinsel, baubles, miniature Christmas trees, fake snow, and worst of all, people. It looked like half the academy students were there, running around and throwing balls of paper at one another, along with Sakura, Shikamaru, Ino, Chouji, Kiba and the rest of the the teams that had been assigned in his year, and even some junior ANBU members, judging by their uniform. It was too noisy, too busy, too festive. He thought of sneaking away quietly but Sakura quickly spotted him, and he ended up sat on a stool by the enormous Christmas tree subtly placed next to Tsunade's desk, which was looking so garishly decorated it looked as if Christmas itself had threw up on it.
"W-well done on your Ch-chunin exam, Naruto," Hinata muttered shyly as she positioned a Poinsetta plant on the desk by him. "I heard you did really well..."
She was wearing a tinsel headband, and avoided looking directly at Naruto as she said this, her face as red as the plant.
"Thanks, Hinata," he replied, flicking a bauble on the Christmas tree in a fed-up way. "Yeah, they said I got pretty high mar-"
"NARUTO!" called a loud voice, and Kiba seemed to appear out of nowhere, throwing an arm around a startled Hinata who let out a small squeak of surprise. "S'up, Hinata?"
"Kiba, I wish you wouldn't do th-" she began, but he cut across her.
"What's up, Naruto?" he asked casually, twirling a candy cane between his fingers. "We haven't seen you in aaages. Ino told us that Sakura mentioned to her that you kicked ass in the Chunin exams! How come you didn't tell us?"
"I was just congratulating him on-" Hinata began again, before Kiba continued,
"So what's up, man?" he asked, eyeing Naruto up and down. "No offence, but you've seemed way off lately. Something wrong?"
"No, nothing's wro-"
"Is it Sasuke?" he suddenly asked bluntly, and Naruto flinched at the name, but stayed silent. "Oh, wait, is it because of that old guy you used to hang around wi-"
"KIBA!" screeched a high-pitched voice, and Kiba let out a yowl of pain; Ino had turned up brandishing a piece of tinsel and had stamped on his foot. "Hi, Naruto," she added with a smile.
Naruto gave a feeble wave, looking pained, but she had already turned back to Kiba.
"You can't talk to him about that!" she hissed, apparently unaware that Naruto could hear every word. "Geez, you have all the tact of a brick!"
Kiba rubbed his foot, looking furious. "Why not?"
"Because it might be painful for him, idiot!"
They continued bickering noisily, and it was at this point Naruto decided he had had enough. Sakura was being safely distracted by a bunch of nine year olds vainly trying to each bag a handful of candy canes, and he headed for the door, only for this time to be stopped in his tracks at the doorway by Kakashi.
"Naruto," he said with a nod, and glanced into Tsunade's office with a look of amusement. "I'm sure the Godaime will be thrilled when she gets back..."
"What's up, sensei?" Naruto asked, trying to edge through the doorway before Sakura noticed, and get away while still being acceptably polite.
"Not much. I came to see how you were doing." He gestured to the room full of shinobi, but Naruto couldn't help but think he meant only one person in particular. "I'm surprised you're here."
"Sakura asked me this morning, and I couldn't..." he trailed off. "But I'm leaving now. I've got to go... train."
"On Christmas Eve?" Kakashi asked critically. "Pushing it a bit, aren't you?"
Naruto said nothing, avoiding his gaze. His sensei let out a sigh.
"Well, I've got to applaud your dedication, if nothing else. Mind if I go with you to the training grounds?"
As much as he didn't want anyone else's company right now, he shook his head, and the two of them set out into the deserted white streets to where the grounds lay over by the eastern entrnace. Naruto could sense that Kakashi wanted to talk to him about something, and he was right. A good ten minutes into the journey, after a long silence broken only by the crunching of snow underfoot, he finally spoke up.
"Naruto, I know you're finding things difficult..."
"I'm not finding anything difficult," Naruto retorted, determined to steer this conversation away from the destination he knew it was heading.
"You've cut yourself off from everyone around you-"
"I haven't."
"You do nothing but train for hours each day-"
"I'm training to become a better shinobi."
"And I can't remember the time you looked like you got a good night's sleep-"
"I'm sleeping!"
"Naruto," he said sternly, before an awkward pause fell between them. The gates of the training grounds were just visible ahead, and Naruto picked up his pace, eager to get away.
When Kakashi spoke again, his voice was much softer. "I know Jiraiya's death hit you hard, and it's only natural that at this time of year-"
"It has nothing to do with him!" Naruto bit back, beginning to feel angry, as well as frustrated at the lump in his throat that had suddenly appeared.
Kakashi studied him out of the corner of his eye, an eyerbrow raised. "Then what is it?"
"Nothing!"
"It's Sasuke, isn't it?"
That name again. Naruto felt his insides twist painfully, but he refused to let show what the very mention of the name did to him. "No!"
They had come to a stop outside the gates, and the two of them stood there, facing one another.
"I understand. Jiraiya was the closest thing you had to a father, and you lost him, and now Sasuke, who was like your brother-"
"He means nothing to me," Naruto said coldly, speaking aloud for the first time what he had been trying to convince himself for months.
Kakashi's face expressed shock, but it was soon replaced by pity, and he put a hand on his student's shoulder.
"Look, I know your last meeting didn't exactly go how you'd planned, Naruto, but-"
He had done it. No one had mentioned the last attempt to retrieve Sasuke and return him to Konoha since Naruto had returned from the mission, aside from hushed whispers between the staff of the hospital when discussing what had happened to the Jinchuuriki for him to arrive back in such a state. And certainly not to his face.
"Sensei, I need to go now," he said in a low voice.
"Naruto-"
"I'll see you later. And..." He paused at the open gate. " Merry Christmas."
Naruto was still lying in bed wide awake that night at one o'clock, staring up at the ceiling. His whole body ached from the extensive training he had put himself through that day, with the goal of tiring himself out to the point of exhaustion so he would sleep that night, and to distract himself after the painful conversation with Kakashi. Neither worked.
He had stumbled home straight from training at 9 o'clock, grabbed a quick shower and fell into bed not long after, ignoring the carollers outside his window and a phone call he was sure would be Sakura, trying to persuade him again to join her for Christmas dinner tomorrow. After today, he wanted nothing more than to be alone, even if it meant only his head for company.
As he lay there, a single, solitary, lonely thought wondered what he would be doing this Christmas, what he was up to right now, a habit born from past holidays. 'No,' he told himself. 'I don't care about whatever the hell's he doing. He could be dead for all I care. I meant what I told Kakashi-sensei. He doesn't mean anything to me anymore. Not a damn thing.'
He did, however, allow himself a snort at the thought of him having Christmas dinner with that bastard Madara.
Rolling over, Naruto saw lights appear on his bedroom wall from outside the window, and he could hear shouts from several streets over that he couldn't quite make out. There seemed to be some kind of commotion going on, but he didn't have the energy or the interest to see what it was. Probably some drunks coming home from the bars having a fight or something, he reasoned. Whatever it was, it didn't concern him.
The minutes trailed by into an hour, and Naruto felt his eyes becoming heavy. The distant shouts faded as his world slowly turned black, and with a huge yawn, he fell into a disturbed sleep.
A desperate, pleading voice. His own. "Sasuke! Please, come home! Look at yourself!"
The sound of footsteps, and a cold, cruel laugh. A flash of red eyes and steel.
"I told you, I'm never coming back."
"But you're like a brother to me-"
There was a dull thud, a gasp, and the sound of someone sinking to their knees.
"Sasuke! Stop!" A shrill voice. Sakura. She was stood several feet away. Was she sobbing? "Please!"
A second thud, followed by a muffled cry.
The cold voice spoke again.
"You are nothing to me."
A fleeting image of a sword, and a piercing, agonising pain in his right shoulder. A gasp of pain left him.
"NARUTO!"
"Give it up, Naruto. Do you hear me?"
The sword twisted in the wound, and Naruto gritted his teeth, his eyes watering. He could feel a second head by his, and a cool, breathy voice in his ear.
"Give it up."
A knock on the door awoke Naruto, and his eyes sprung open, feeling dazed with his heart beating wildly. He had barely sat up and rubbed his eyes, trying to free himself from the throes of the dream, when the caller knocked again, pounding heavily on the door, unmistakeably frantic. It was still dark. The clock told him it was 2:31. Who the hell was calling at this time, and on Christmas Day, no less? Rarely did anyone call at this time without something being terribly wrong...
He jumped out of bed, anxious, darted across the room and threw open the door. Sakura stood there, gasping. It seemed as if she had just woken up. Her hair, covered in specks of snow, was messy, and underneath her cloak she wore a pink pajama top and bottoms. Yet her eyes were fully awake, wide with shock.
"Naruto," she breathed, falling forward and grabbing him by the shoulders, trying to say more but unable to talk and get her breath back at the same time.
"Sakura, what's wrong?" he asked urgently, searching her face. "Did something happen? Did Tsunade send you? Is everyone all right?"
She shook her head. Bits of snow flew onto the shoulders of her cloak and onto him.
"No... Naruto... it's Sasuke..."
Naruto felt himself go very still.
"What?"
She finally found her breath and straightened up, her pale, fearful face looking into his. He could see his reflection in the soft green of her eyes.
"Naruto, he's come back."
Not entirely sure if this is going to be a one shot or not, but in a rare moment of inspiration I found myself wanting to write about this, and I feel like maybe writing more. I know people who read this might disagree with Naruto's characterisation and class it as "it's not him! He's all depressed!" But thinking about his situation and all he's gone through, I imagine that there's such a thing as one time too many, even for Naruto, and that there is a point where he would be pushed beyond his limit. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it, and please R&R to tell me what you think. :)