Tykanie Serca
- kitty-re

And you can't find nothing at all if there was nothing there all along
- Crooked Teeth; Death Cab for Cutie

k.

I keep on checking and checking and checking because I know that deep down she still loves him, and as much as it hurts to admit I know I'll always be the distraction. The character in the story nobody remembers, the girl who the prince says he loves but is in denial. The girl who pours her heart into him to know that every word he says is just a weak echo of the one that he feels for her.

And everybody asks because everybody knows, "why are you with him when he so clearly loves her?" and I just don't know what to say anymore.

I used to deny it. To others, to myself. Say that they're just the best of friends, talk about how close they are – how they're like brother and sister.

Then it began to show, my determination began to ebb away like sand washing away after wave of wave of sea water. The biggest crash came when I saw her sitting there, puffy eyes – tears streaking down her cheeks.

The guilt set in my stomach as thick heavy syrup, weighing me down more than I could imagine. I had to drop my eyes just at the first glance at her because I was so ashamed, but I couldn't help keep on glancing at her again and again. I'd never seen anybody so broken.

Pavarati told me to carry on dating him, why break three hearts when at the moment only one is broken? He can't help how he feels, if he doesn't like her then it's time she moves on. Nothing lasts forever. I guess I should've taken to the last words heavier than the rest but already my imagination was leaping ahead of me, taking reality and warping it into how I wished it to be. Long chats in front of the fireplace, his lips whispering the words "I love you" into my ear when nobody else is around, my hand held firmly in his.

I try; it would be a lie for me to say that I don't. I dig my nails in as hard as I can, clinging my lips to his – making myself believe that this affection he shows for me in the Common Room is as true as the affection he shows me in my dreams. That he's just a hormonal teenage boy so showing his emotions is weak but they're there deep down.

I'm such a good liar I even convince myself sometimes.

My heart's thumping like crazy as his arm is around my waist, but I see his face, I see where his eyes are. Instead of looking back into mine they're staring at her. At the mess that Hermione Granger has become behind the towers of books and parchment. Behind all the fictional and factual words on paper, lies a more broken heart than I could possibly comprehend. Move on, I wish to myself every night, move on and let him move on too.

I lay in my bed and imagine his arms are around me, imagine that he's thinking the same as I am while I try to tune out the muffled sobs of Hermione in the opposite bed. Sometimes I feel like walking up to her and saying

"I like you, but I like him more and at the end of the day I'm just a selfish being and whilst he still believes he likes me I figure I should soak it up as much as I can. Because when it's gone it's never returning."

But I don't. I'm a coward, a selfish coward and I don't deserve to be in Gryffindor, I don't deserve to have Ron Weasley as a boyfriend.

I don't deserve any of it.

So I wait, I wait for the fairytale around me to unfold and subsequently break my heart. But I think its better this way, better that he breaks up with me for true love. Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley are meant to be, they are the real love story. Best friends for years, lovers until the end.

I'm just the connecting link, the token used to throw things up a bit, the jealousy girl – the one that appears to stand in the way. I know what it looks like, but I know how it truly is. Everybody knows Ron loves Hermione except Ron and Hermione. As soon as he realizes I'll step out of the way, with grace I'll bow out of the picture. When you really care about someone all you want them to be is happy, whether it's with you or without you in the picture. I know he will find his happiness.

And that's what I'm counting on. It's the happy ending that everybody needs because in times like these they just don't exist, and Hermione and Ron are one of the only couples that you could see a "and they live happily ever after." at the end of their books, where as mine all I can find is the words "The End." Blunt but true, this love isn't destined for me.

It's destined for her. It's always been hers.