Everybody Dies

Don't wait until it's too late to tell someone how much you love them. Because when they're gone, no matter how loud you shout and cry, they won't hear you anymore.

'Hey San, I don't know if you're going to get this, but the therapist thought I should write you a letter. She said it would help with my depression. I thought it was a stupid idea, but I might as well give it a go.

I miss you so much. It's been three months and it still feels like only yesterday I was sitting by your bed in hospital, holding your hand. You told me you'd never leave me. You said you'd always be here. But you're not. I still can't believe you're gone. We did everything together and now I have to do everything alone. Having a bath isn't as fun by myself.

I don't know what happens when you die, but I'd like to think you're up in the clouds watching over me; that you're proud of how grown up I am now. I'm 18 San! How crazy is that? I don't want to grow old. It's scary – responsibilities and all that. When you died, I wanted to die too. I still do, in a way. I want to be where you are but I don't know how to get there. I don't think I can live without you. How am I supposed to live a normal life when you were the only thing that mattered to me? How am I supposed to move on from the only person who understood me?

Do you remember when you told me you were ill? We were sitting on my bed, my head in your lap. You were playing with my hair and I started to fall asleep. You whispered my name and looked me in the eyes. You said the words I have cancer and I remember my heart felt like it had just exploded into a million pieces. I started crying and you held me tight. You told me not to panic and that everything was going to be okay. But it's not. You're dead and now I'm all alone.

Mom said I need to move on. She was sympathetic at first, but now she's just fed up. All I do is sleep and cry. I still haven't been to school. I can't bare going back there and seeing all those sad faces. I know they're upset but they're not as upset as me. Quinn keeps texting me saying she's worried about me. Apparently Coach Sylvester quit and the Cheerios are no more. She said there was no point once her two head cheerleaders left. She doesn't blame you, no one does. You can't help that you're not here anymore. I think she blames me though. But I don't care. I only joined the Cheerios so I could get to know you. And it worked! We became best friends. We became girlfriends. My plan worked.

I keep thinking about the first time you told me you loved me. You pulled me aside after Glee Club and whispered it in my ear. I still get chills every time I think about the way your breath felt against my neck. I know you thought it wasn't a very romantic way to do it, but I thought it was so lovely. It wasn't planned or thought out; in the heat of the moment you just said it. You confessed your love for me. I think I fell in love with you even more after that. Do you think if you were still alive we'd get married? I think we would have. We would have had a big wedding and invited all of the Cheerios and Glee Club, even Finn. Miss Sylvester would have said a speech about destroying Glee Club and Mr Shue would have given a speech about his hair or something…I don't know what he talks about, I never really listened. It was kind of hard with you sitting next to me all the time., you were very good at distracting me, Santana. Rachel, Finn, Blaine and Kurt would probably have sung. Do they ever go five minutes without singing?!
It would have been perfect. We would slow danced to Songbird and don't even get me started on our honeymoon. The sex would have been amazing, Santana. You thought I was good before…

Do you think we would have had kids? I think we would have. Two girls and a boy. I can imagine you telling them off for eating sweets before dinner, and then finding out I was the one who gave them the sweets and bursting out laughing. We would have been great parents, San. I don't think I want kids now though. Not with anyone but you.

I know I should move on. Mom and my therapist, Gene, have been suggesting I try and find a new boyfriend or girlfriend. But I don't want a new boyfriend or girlfriend. I want you. I still can't believe you're gone. Sometimes when I'm lying in bed alone, I get my pillow and cuddle it. It still smells like you. Mom keeps saying it needs to be washed, but if it gets washed it won't smell like you anymore and soon I won't be able to remember what you smell like.

I really miss your sweet lady kisses. I miss secretly holding your hand in Glee Club and smiling at you from across the room in Cheerios practice. Everything is different now you're gone. I hate it. I don't like change. I wish we could have stayed like we were forever. What am I supposed to do now? Get a job? Go to College? I can't. I can't do anything without you, San. Sometimes when I cry too hard I find it hard to breathe; and I think I'm dying. It's weird because I don't feel sad when I think about me dying. 'Cause I want to die, San. I want to be with you. Actually, I don't want to die, I just don't want to live…Do you think that's why people kill themselves? Not because they want to die, but because they're tired of living? I never really thought about it until now. That must be horrible, getting to such a low point in your life where you can't see any other option. Where death is your only way out…

I hope you're okay up there in heaven. I know people thought you were a mean person, and you might not have gotten into heaven, but I saw the real you. You were so kind and caring. People just didn't see that, did they? Some girl came to your funeral and started talking shit about you – so I punched her in the face. It's not as glamorous as it seems in the movies, though. My hand really hurt afterwards and Quinn had to get me an icepack. You would have laughed so hard, Santana. Your funeral was beautiful, everyone from Glee Club was there, they all said a few words about how much you meant to them. I said no to Finn saying anything though, I didn't think you'd have wanted the person who outed you to say something about how he helped you or whatever. I hope you don't mind. I wish you could have seen it. You didn't think much of yourself, but if you could have seen what they said about you, you would have realised how popular you actually were. You touched a lot of people's lives without even realising it. People knew that deep down you weren't a bad person, you were just scared. I was the only one lucky enough to see the real you all the time.

Do you think when I die I'll get to be with you? I really hope so. I used to think that after death was nothing, but now I don't want that. I don't want to never see you again; the only thing keeping me going is the thought that maybe one day I can see you again. I can hold your hand and tell you I love you. We can haunt Rachel together and spend days having sex. Can ghosts have sex, Santana? I hope they can. But it doesn't matter either way. I loved having sex with you, but I also enjoyed just being with you. Watching you laugh at your favourite tv shows – how your face scrunched up when you were happy, how you got nervous before singing in front of everyone, how whenever you got mad at me, you'd always apologize and you never once called me stupid, or insulted me. I miss watching the way your eyes light up when Beyoncé came on the radio (yes Santana, I did know about your crush on her!) I miss you telling me how smart I am. You used to call me a genius when everyone else thought I was stupid. You're the only person who ever told me that, and when I was with you, I felt like one. Now I just feel like a sad panda and really it hurts to think about you, but that's all I seem to do. You know when you go to the zoo and you see all those animals together, being happy and playing, but then you see one animal on it's own, and it looks sad and you can tell that another animal has just died? That's me, Santana. I feel like the sad animal at the zoo. I'm all alone. Why do they get to be happy?

You were my soulmate. You still are. We were meant to be together. I don't know if I believe in God, but if he is real, I think he is a really mean. Why would he let us fall in love and then take you away from me? It's like part of me is missing and I can't get it back. I feel like part of my heart has been ripped out and torn to pieces and God is just laughing at me; laughing at how stupid I was for falling in love with a dying girl.
Looking at pictures of you doesn't help. You were so beautiful. I bet you look even better as an angel. Since your death I've been drawing a lot more. I draw picture of us, pictures of you on your own and ones of you as an angel. You look so pretty. You have the most magnificent wings and you can fly whenever and wherever you want. You always wanted to get out of Lima, Santana. I guess you got what you wanted.

Your parents keep ringing my mom. They keep saying they miss me and that they hope I'm okay. Obviously they're upset, they're devastated. But I'm sure they've told you that themselves. They're worried about me, Santana. I don't eat anymore, I don't leave the house. I know I should, but I'm too sad. I guess maybe I should start eating again. I will eat. For you. But I can't go back to living a normal life. Not yet. It's too hard. Everything reminds me of you. I can't go downstairs without being reminded of the time when we were having sex on the couch and my mom walked in and I shoved you on the floor and pretended you weren't there, and then you snuck out of the window in your underwear. I never thought thinking about that would make me cry. I can't go in my car without being reminded of the time when we were driving back from school and Don't Stop Believing came on the radio and we just pulled over and sang our hearts out. People in the street were laughing at us but we didn't care, we were together and we were happy - It's memories like that that make it impossible to do anything without being reminded of you. I don't want to remember but I don't want to forget.

I just went downstairs to get a banana. Mom smiled at me; I think she thinks I'm getting better. See, you're already helping me and you're not even here. You always used to help me. Do you remember when Coach Sylvester got angry at me for telling Mr Shue about our Cheerios routine? And you took the blame for me. She shouted at you for hours! You were so brave. I would have cried if she had shouted at me. But you just stood there and took it. You were so brave in life and in death. Just before you died, you looked me in the eye. You couldn't speak but I could sense you were telling me to be strong. But I wasn't strong. I haven't been strong. I'm sorry I let you down.

I'll never stop loving you. Even if I get married, it won't be the same. You were my first love and I'll always remember you. I just want you to know that if I ever did get married, I'd always be wondering in the back of my mind what it would have been like being married to you. Growing old with you and dying with you. I never thought you would leave so early. It's not fair. We missed out on so much. There were so many memories to be made. Now all I've got is the memories we had. You'll always have a place in my heart, Santana. No matter what.

I read a poem yesterday and it reminded me of you.

I miss the touch of your skin, the way your eyes sparkled when you laughed.
I miss the way you squeezed my hand, and held me close in the dark.
I can't believe you're really gone, sometimes I still hear your voice.
It haunts me when I'm alone, crying in bed at night.
You were the only one who really cared, you loved me more than life.
You said we'd be together forever, but that was just a lie.
I'm all alone in this scary world, I need you here beside me.
I can't do this without you, please don't leave me alone.
I'm not ready to say goodbye, I need just one more second with you.
I'll miss you forever and always, I'll love you 'til the day I die.

I keep reading it over and over again. It makes me sad but it also helps a little bit. I'll always love you the most Santana, but I guess now I should say goodbye. I'm not good with goodbyes, the last time I said it to you, you died. I can't do it again. I'll speak to you soon, I'll write to you every day if I can. I hope you get this and it makes you smile. You deserve to be happy in heaven. I'll try to be brave for you. Please don't forget me. I just need to remember that everybody dies, and maybe I'll see you soon.

I love you so much.

Brittany xxxx'