A/N: This is going to be the "style" of the entire fic. Hope you like it!
Disclaimer: I don't own what JKR does, but what she doesn't own, I do.
I feel his arm wrap tighter around my waist as Remus shifts ever so slightly in his sleep, as he's always done when the full moon nears. I, however, am awake, laying on my side and resting my back against his chest so I can feel it rise and fall with every steady breath he takes.
Often, at night, I lay awake and, as I run my fingers through his thick, soft hair, I think about how lucky I am to be here, to be Mrs. Nymphadora Lupin, even if I still go by "Tonks", and I think of the war we are in, and if we're going to live to have children, raise them, see them off to Hogwarts, with names and those "family moments", like what I had shared with my parents, filling my mind; other times, like tonight, I think of what I loathe the most, more than the war or those behind the meaningless deaths; the full moon. Every month, it comes and goes, and every month I watch as it takes Remus with it, I watch him suffer his transformation alone, and I see how it hurts him, and so it hurts me.
I hate how I have to lock him in that empty room, how he insists on it; even with the Wolf's Bane Potion, he's convinced he's too dangerous. I hate how he has to be alone, that hurts him, both of us, the most I think.
I wish I could do something, anything, to make it so that he doesn't have to be alone again; but Sirius has been dead for a year, and his other Animagus friends have been gone for even longer. I tried to become an Animagus, like my cousin and Remus' other closest friends had, I tried with everything I had in me. I went to the Misuse of Magic Department, what I believe to be my mistake, to the Animagus division to look for anything and everything they had about becoming an Animagus to help me in my futile transformation attempts. Because of my Metamorphmagus abilities, transforming comes naturally to me that I couldn't grasp the concept of how to change my species since the process is so alike, yet so different, to altering my appearance. Then they told me that because I was a Metamorphmagus, becoming an Animagus would be impossible; there was no way to tell if I had really transformed or if I was still human.
Remus knew what I was doing, or attempting to do, I could tell that he didn't expect me to get it, at least not anytime soon, and he tried to discourage me, to make me think more about the war and surviving through it than him, but I can't, I couldn't; and I told him off in such a way that I was reminded of my mother, and he soon found himself supporting me and my Animagus attempts even more than I did.
I believe though, that I chose a time too soon to the full moon to tell him of the information I had learned, and that I would still be trying to become an Animagus, despite this, so I could be with him when the moon is full. I don't think I have ever seen him so angry, he wasn't angry at me so much as at the possibility of what might occur, and I can't blame him; if he bit me, and I wasn't completely transformed, he would have never been able to forgive himself, and I would never forgive me for burdening him with that guilt. I could live as a werewolf, but not if it meant putting the man I love through all that pain, that self-inflicted guilt, for I know he would never blame me. I should have been more considerate with what I said before just blurting it out like that. I wasn't thinking of him when I did, not his feelings, not of what he might hold himself accountable for.
He told me he doesn't mind, spending all those transformations alone, as long as I would be there when he came back to himself; he said I have already done as much for him as any of the Marauders, what he and his best mates called themselves at Hogwarts. He said my love means more to him than anything else I could give him or do for him.
I believe him, but I think it still scares him to be alone. He fears the full moon, I don't know if it's still his boggart, but I can see it in his eyes, his fear of what it forces him to become. A fear he is forced to face alone.
I don't want him to face it alone, I want to be with him as the moon changes him to something he's not, something he has no desire to become. Because of him, I don't have to be alone when I confront my fears, fears about this war, about us both surviving it, because if only one of us lives, then we have both died. He is there for me during my moments of fear and uncertainty, and I want to be with him through his.
I love him, more than anything I love the man sleeping beside me. My heart is his, and I know that his is mine. I will find a way to help him, a way to be there so he doesn't need to be alone. He doesn't deserve to be alone, and I want to be the one who is with him. I do love him, my Remus Lupin.
A/N: I'll be switching POVs between Tonks and Remus with every chapter, if it all turns out how I'm hoping it will. I'd really appreciate reviews to help keep this story going! Thanks for reading!