Title: Odysseus Unbound

(with profuse apologies to Homer and Shelley)

Author: Gibs
Word Count: 3,566
Category: AU, Vignette, Drama/Angst/Romance (Harm/Mac)
Rating: M for sexual situations.

Author's Notes: In the continued effort to try and get all my stories finally into one place, I'm posting this old response of mine to an HBX Fanfic Challenge from January 2006.

Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended. JAG and its characters are the property of Belisarius Productions and Donald P. Bellisario. This story is not intended to violate any copyrights they have and is not intended for profit in any way.

Summary: Takes place three months after Paraguay. Yet another angle on how Seasons 9 and 10 could have been salvaged from the evil clutches of TPTB.

MAC'S APARTMENT
GEORGETOWN
23 AUGUST 2003
0600 ZULU

Mac awoke slowly with an eerie sensation tingling at the back of her neck. She looked around the darkened room slowly, as if she was afraid that too much movement would draw attention to herself. Problem was, she was supposed to be alone in the bedroom of her apartment… so why did she have the distinct feeling that she was being watched?

Satisfied that there was no one in her bedroom, she slowly got up from the bed and made her way around her unlit apartment – not turning on any lights in case her suspicions were correct. She found nothing and yet that feeling was still there… that unmistakable sensation that someone else was near.

Sighing heavily and realizing she wasn't going to be able to go back to sleep easily, she stepped up to the French doors in her bedroom and peered into the night. Everything was dark and still. She wondered how the world could look so peaceful and yet inside of her, everything was in turmoil. Everything she had worked so hard for… the life she had made at JAG, her dreams at having a family… it was as if, just as she had seemed on the brink of getting everything she had always wanted, a chain of events was initiated that sent everything spiraling out of control. And now, she found herself so far from where she wanted to be she couldn't even fathom it. She smiled sadly as she thought it reminded her of back home in Arizona, where a flash flood could take you from hiking along a dry riverbed in Mesa, to suddenly finding yourself in the desert half-way to Tucson in 40 seconds flat. Unfortunately, if that were to happen you would normally find yourself dead as well. She, on the other hand, was very much alive, only she felt as if she were dead. Like she had been hollowed out with a spoon like some giant pumpkin at Halloween.

She began to turn away from the window when a vehicle parked down the street caught her attention. It was so far down the street she almost hadn't seen it, but it made her stomach flutter as she realized it was the same colour and model SUV as Harm drove. She wished she hadn't seen that. Wished she hadn't been reminded of the reason for the gaping hole inside of her. Three months and eight phone messages hadn't brought him or even a phone call to let her know he was alright. She knew he was punishing her. Punishing her for throwing his heroism back in his face, for taking away his job and the only life he'd ever known. Punishing her for saying never. She felt like her life had become some pathetic Greek tragedy… like only one thing perpetually prevented her happiness from becoming a reality. Like only one chip had to fall into place in this comedy of errors for everything to right itself. Only that chip was unknown to her and apparently not within her grasp.

Once again she started away from the window when it caught her eye. She looked again at the SUV down the street and her stomach fluttered one more time. Not only was this SUV identical to Harm's, it had the same yellow ribbon sticker on its back hatch as his had. The same "Support Our Troops" sticker that proudly adorned her own car. The same one Harm had bought for her at the PX in Quantico 7 months ago. What were the chances of that?

Quietly she dressed and snuck out the back entrance of her building. She'd have to be careful if she was going to sneak up on a spook. She laughed sadly… Harm, a spook? Never. She went past his vehicle on the adjacent block and came out above him. As she approached his car, she couldn't help but smile… he had been tricky parking his car facing away from her building like that. As she got closer she could see him sitting sideways behind the wheel with his feet propped up on the passenger seat and his head resting back against the window so he could peer past the headrest at her building.

She took the time to stare at him for a moment… silently reveling in the ability to just admire him when he didn't know she was looking. It seemed he still felt the need to protect her for some reason and although she liked to think she could take care of herself, it felt nice to know that someone still cared about her. It was especially nice when that someone was Harm. Her heart warmed for the first time in months.

Her shadow from the street light fell over him before she had a chance to knock on the window, sending him into orbit with fright. He whipped his head around and sat up, preparing for a battle that never came. When he recognized her, he slumped dejectedly into his seat and stared at the steering wheel.

She shoved her hands further into her jacket pockets. "Not very stealthy for a spook there, Harm" she said loudly enough for him to hear through the glass. When he raised his eyebrows and tentatively met her eyes, she stepped back and waived her head towards the sidewalk. "C'mon. Upstairs. NOW."

They didn't say a word to each other until Mac came back from the kitchen with two steaming cups of tea and sat beside him on the couch.

"Oolong. I don't make it as 'mean' as you do, but it's passable."

Harm smiled half-heartedly. "You don't forget anything do you?"

"How could I…" she started, but then thought better of it and left it exactly there.

Silence ensued until she started again. "So you want to tell me why you were stalking me, or were you just getting practice for the Company?"

Harm darted his eyes towards her like a trapped animal, then stood up and took himself to the window. "I didn't want to alarm you, Mac… but there was some intel going around that Sadik was trying to get into the country…"

Mac nodded silently. "And you didn't think that this was something I should know?"

Harm sighed. "It wasn't concrete… just rumours… and besides… I didn't know if…" He rubbed the back of his head in frustration. "…I don't know how to talk to you anymore."

"Well you seem to be doing alright now." She offered gently.

He smiled quickly and stared into his cup. "I didn't have much of a choice now did I?"

"Well it's not my fault that you suck at surveillance."

They both chuckled quietly and then Harm returned his gaze to the window. "How do we do this, Mac? How do we just sit here talking like this after everything… after everything that's happened?"

"I don't know" she whispered.

He took a deep breath, "I can't forget this, Mac. I can't… not this time. My whole life has changed… every time I wake up I'm reminded of what happened. It won't go away."

There was so much hurt in his voice it caused tears to sting her eyes. "I'm sorry". She felt defeated. She had done it this time. She had let herself feel some hope over the last twenty minutes, but he had just confirmed her worst fears. This time, irreparable damage had been done and there was no getting past it for him. She had really done it this time. Suddenly she just wanted Sadik to come and kill her, it had to be better than living the rest of her life knowing she had driven her away her only true love.

"Harm, you should go home. You're not my partner anymore and there's no reason you should feel obligated to protect me."

Harm spun from the window and stared at her incredulously.

"I mean, you said it yourself Harm… the intel was unreliable. I'm sure that if Sadik got into the country, someone in the CIA would know."

Harm shook his head slightly, trying to get her earlier statement out of his mind. "That's just what I'm afraid of Mac. I don't trust the Company. They could know and purposely keep the information from us in order to protect one of their diabolical plans."

Mac saw the wisdom in this and nodded her head. Suddenly she couldn't decide which was worse - having Harm here close to her but unable to ever touch him, or having him far away where she couldn't see him, yet unable to find out if he was even OK. She'd experienced both and each seemed to hold its own distinct brand of torture.

"Harm, I appreciate your concern for my safety, but don't you think you'd be better off going home and getting a good night's sleep?"

Harm raised his head with a strange expression that she couldn't quite place. "I wouldn't be able to sleep if I was home. I seldom do."

She recognized the exchange as soon as it was off his lips and they held each other's gaze for a moment. So this was it, they were destined to travel in circles for the rest of their lives on some karmic, Homer-esque Odyssey. Destined to float around each other on a sea of uncertainty, never to reach their destination. This was all so unbelievably unfair.

In an instant the frustration so overwhelmed her that she lashed out in anger as she stood. "So, what's keeping you up at night, Harm? Getting a little too old to keep up with your latest blonde conquest." As soon as it was out of her mouth, she regretted it. How was it that this man, who once only brought out the best in her, could now only bring out the worst? She knew what it was, she was jealous. Jealous of never having him and never being able to ever have him.

Harm's eyes flashed with resentment as he spun on her. "You have no right to even insinuate that, Mac! You were the one who ended us! You were the one that went to Clay!" He was trying to suppress his anger, but he was uncontrollably livid.

"There…"

"And don't you DARE say 'there is no us'!" he interrupted. "There's been an 'us' in one form or another since the Rose Garden! You can't deny that!"

He walked up to her boldly and stood barely inches away. "For your information, I haven't been sleeping because of you, Marine. I haven't been sleeping because you have been occupying my every thought and I can't seem to keep you out! I can't sleep because scenes of Paraguay play over and over in my head, alternating between wondering how I would have survived if I hadn't gotten to you in time, and how I could have played out that last night with you so that things went right instead of so horribly wrong!"

He stepped back suddenly stunned, like he couldn't believe all of that had just fallen out of his mouth. They stared at each other in silent shock until he started to turn away.

She caught him by the wrist. "I was going to say, 'there is nothing between Clay and I'".

After a moment of silence, he whispered quietly "There's been no one since Renée".

And just like that, they once again found themselves at that relentless crossroad that destined to either tear them apart forever or send them back in another cruel circle. His mind scrambled for a way to break the curse… for something that they hadn't done or said before which would have the power to cease this never ending cycle … only one thing came to his mind.

He sighed in defeat and met her eyes with fear. "I don't know if you want to hear this… but I can't keep it inside me anymore. I think it's literally killing me…"

Mac stepped forward slipping her hand from his wrist to his fingers. Trying to offer comfort, she mindlessly twisted the Academy ring he still wore there. "What is it? Tell me, Harm… please."

His eyes darted back and forth between hers while he gathered his nerve and then finally spoke. "I'm in love with you, Mac." It was more a plea than a declaration. Like he was asking forgiveness of some crime.

There was only a moment of silence as the tears welled in her eyes. "Well, that works out really well, actually…" she couldn't help but smirk through her tears, "…because I'm in love with you."

In one swift movement he reached out and crushed her to his chest, fighting desperately the urge to sink to his knees and weep like a child. He buried his nose in her hair and held on for dear life. Somewhere in the fog of his mind, he suddenly realized that her hands were under his shirt and igniting all the nerve endings on his chest and back as they swept their way along. Teetering on the edge, it took all of his strength to step back away from her indescribable warmth. "No!"

The look in Mac's eyes was so devastating that Harm almost caved immediately. He took her hands between his and held them to his lips. "Mac… God… you have to understand… There's nothing in this whole world that I would rather do right now than take you to bed and make love for the next three or four… uh… days… however…" he searched her eyes for understanding, "…I did come here tonight for a different reason."

Mac's expression fell with relief and sadness at the same time, then a slow, crooked smile spread across her face. "Well, you know… you could still protect me… just from a little closer quarters than you were before…"

Harm laughed and pulled her into his embrace. "Maaac…" he sighed. "…you know damn well that there's no way that would happen. If I went into that bedroom with you tonight, Sadik would be able to walk right up and tap me on the shoulder before he'd get my attention." He pushed her back slightly and stared into her eyes in earnest. "Mac, if I ever let something happen to you just because I couldn't keep my damn pants zipped for one night, I'd never… I'd never be able to live with myself."

Mac smiled and looked down sadly. "So you're going back out to your car?"

"I think it holds the best vantage point." He stared at her for a moment before he continued. "Where's your cell phone?"

She turned around and retrieved it from the coffee table. She looked questioningly at him and wiggled it back and forth between her thumb and forefinger.

"Am I… am I still on your speed dial?" He questioned her awkwardly.

Mac flipped the phone open with a smile and turned the display towards him. "Still number one…"

Harm stepped forward in wonder and stared at the tiny screen for confirmation. "I was still number one on your speed dial?" he asked in disbelief. "I mean, even after…?"

"Always, Sailor."

Harm just stared at her intensely for several moments, trying desperately not to devour her in a kiss that he'd never be able to stop. Shaking his head finally, he covered her hand and forced the phone shut. "Then take this to bed with you. If he should slip past me, I want you to just have to press one button. I have call display, so I'll be on my way as soon as it rings – OK?"

Mac looked at the phone dubiously and smiled. "Well, it's a far cry from what I'd prefer to be taking to bed with me, but I suppose it's my only option for now…"

"Mac…" Harm stepped close to her and settled his hands on her waist. "… please… don't make this any more difficult than it already is… you have no idea…" he chuckled slightly, "… at least I won't have to worry about falling asleep out there."

Suddenly they were lost in each other's eyes and there was no sound but the ticking of the clock on the mantelpiece. Ever so slowly, their lips were drawn to each other and what started out as a feather-light touch, quickly turned into a needy possession of lips and tongues. In a flash, Harm had her pressed up against the inside of her front door and she had one leg hooked over his hip. As his hand hungrily caressed the underside of her thigh, he quickly tore himself away from her mouth. "Damn it…" he complained as he lowered his forehead to her shoulder and slowly allowed her leg to slide back to the floor. "… Do you see the power you hold over me? I can't think straight when I'm around you…"

Mac ran her hands up the sides of his neck and through the short hairs on the back of his head. "The feeling is entirely mutual, I assure you." She whispered into his ear.

Harm leaned back and released her body from the door. "Soon, Marine." He spoke earnestly as he traced her bottom lip with his thumb. "I swear to God."

"Don't make a promise you can't keep."

Harm laughed at her seductively. "Oh, I assure you… this is one promise that I will take great pleasure in keeping…"

He kissed her on the forehead and she stepped out of his way, hugging her upper arms for comfort. Harm glanced at her out of the corner of his eye with a slight smile – not trusting himself to do more – and slipped out quietly into the hallway.

Mac undressed distractedly, wondering how the hell she was supposed to sleep now, and placed her weapon in her night stand for security. After preparing her cell phone as per Harm's instructions, she slipped between the sheets with a contented smile… amazed at how much the course of her life could change in a matter of an hour.

Harm had barely gotten himself settled back in his vehicle when the cell phone in his breast pocket chirped to life. His heart pounding, he was out of the car, weapon at the ready, before he noticed that the call display number was not Mac.

"Rabb" he barked impatiently, knowing full well it could only be the Company calling at this time of night. He silently prayed that they weren't going to send him away on some God forsaken mission right at this very minute. It would just be his luck.

He listened intently as all the stress melted off of his face and he slumped forward against the side of his car - his forehead pressed against the cool metal. "Clay, I love you." His shoulders shook briefly with laughter at Webb's response before he continued. "No, I'm serious… you have no idea how much you've just made my night."

Mac heard her door latch shut and the chain slide across it from the inside. Frozen in fear, she was about to activate the speed dial when she recognized the tall figure that strode into her bedroom, dropping his leather coat on the chair and pulling his sweater over his head as he passed below the foot of her bed to come around the other side. Afraid to move for fear that this was some wonderful dream, she waited for his big body to slide in behind her, purposely snaking his hands over her hips and stomach, finally sliding down her forearm to take the cell phone out of her hand. Holding it in front of her so she could see, he held the END button down with his thumb and waited for the device to power off before placing it deliberately on the night stand.

"Crisis averted?" she questioned him hopefully.

"Webb called…" he nuzzled his lips into her neck and traced his fingers over her flat stomach. "…they nailed Sadik at the airport." His fingers slid further up under her pajama top and slowly began caressing the underside of her breast.

Mac sucked in a breath at the sensation and turned onto her back. "Oh God… you have no idea how glad I am to hear you say that…"

"Oh… I think I might…" he covered her lips with his own and was suddenly lost, knowing only that once and for all, this odyssey was finally over forever… there was no more sailing in that sea of uncertainty. After all this time, he had finally made the shore.

END