Disclaimer: Do not own the glee or any of the characters the song is from the Broadway Legally Blond with a few lyric changes to fit the story! I do not own anything!
It was a normal day in William McKinley High School for New directions. Tina got slushied, Artie got locked in a port a potty, Kurt got thrown in a dumpster, Puck beat up Karofsky, Finn discovered that the square route of four was rainbow after copying Brittany's math work, Mike pop an locked while Matt watched in silence, Mercedes threatened to cut Puck if he broke her white boys heart, Quinn ate Mint chocolate ice-cream covered in bacon anchovies pickles and ketchup, Rachel and Jessie got all the solos, and Brittany & Santana made out behind the bleachers. So every thing was fine and dandy until one Mr. Kurt Hummel gay-dar went off the scale as Jessie St. James passed him in the hall.
Next day in glee practice:
"Rachel as a group we have decided you are blinded by your attraction to Jessie to see the obvious clues that are right in front of you and have decided to point them out. Noah hit the lights"
The lights went off and a large picture of Jessie went up on the overhead projector.
Kurt:
There! Right There!
Look at that tan, that tinted skin.
Look at the killer shape he's in.
Look at that slightly stubbly chin.
Oh Please he's gay, totally gay.
Rachel:
I'm about to celebrate.
Every trait could indicate the totally straight expatriate.
Jessie's not gay, i say not gay.
The lights came back on and they were on stage in the auditorium.
All:
That is the elephant in the room.
Well is it relevant to assume
that a man who wears perfume
is automatically matically gay?
Artie:
But look at his quoft and crispy locks.
Kurt:
Look at his silk translucent socks.
Rachel:
There's the eternal paradox.
Look at what I'm seeing.
Kurt:
What are you seeing?
Rachel:
Is he gay?
Kurt:
Of course he's gay.
Rachel:
Or European?
All:
ohhhhhh.
Gay or European?
It's hard to guarantee
Is he gay or European?
Mike & Matt:
Well, hey don't look at us.
Mercedes:
You see they bring their boys up different in those charming foreign ports.
They play peculiar sports.
All:
In shiny shirts and tiny shorts.
Gay or foreign fella?
The answer could take weeks.
They will say things like "ciao bella"
while they kiss you on both cheeks.
Rachel:
Oh please.
All:
Gay or European?
So many shades of gray.
Puck:
Depending on the time of day,
I go either way.
All:
Is he gay or European?
or
Santana:
There! Right There!
Look at that condescending smirk.
Seen it on every guy I'm with.
That is a metro-hetro jerk.
That guy's not gay, i say no way.
All:
That is the elephant in the room.
Well is it relevant to presume
that a hottie in that costume
Kurt:
Is automatically-radically
Puck:
Ironically chronically
Mercedes:
Certainly pertin'tly
Finn:
Genetically medically
(All the Way across the school Sue Sylvester's sneaky gay senses tingled.)
All:
GAY!
OFFICIALLY GAY!
OFFICIALLY GAY GAY GAY GAY
(Rachel pulls out a picture of the two of them kissing)
DAMMIT
Gay or European?
Kurt:
So stylish and relaxed.
All:
Is he gay or European?
Puck:
I think his chest is waxed.
Quinn:
But they bring their boys up different there.
It's culturally diverse.
It's not a fashion curse.
All:
If he wears a kilt or bears a purse.
Gay or just exotic?
I still can't crack the code.
Tina:
Yet his accent is hypnotic
but his shoes are pointy toed.
All:
Huh.
Gay or European?
So many shades of gray.
Brittany:
But if he turns out straight I'm free at 8 on Saturday.
All:
Is he gay or European?
gay or European?
Gay or Euro-
Sue:
Wait a minute you mouth breathers!
Give me a chance to crack at this curly haired Broadway wannabee
No sneaky gay gets past me.
Kurt:
The floor is yours.
Sue:
So Mr. St. James...
This affair with Barbra Streisand has been going on for...?
Jessie:
2 weeks.
Sue:
And your name is...?
Jessie:
Jessie
Sue:
And your boyfriend's name is...?
Jessie:
Dave
I'm sorry! I misunderstood. You said boyfriend.
I thought you said best friend. Dave is my best friend.
Dave:
You bastard!
You lying bastard!
That's it.
I no cover for you, no more!
Peoples.
I have a big announcement to a make.
This man is Gay and European!
And neither is disgrace
you've got to stop your being
a completely closet case.
Its me not her he's seeing,
No matter what he say.
I swear he never ever ever swing the other way.
You are so gay.
You big parfait!
You flaming boy in cabaret.
Jessie:
I'm straight!
Dave:
You were not yesterday.
So if I may, I'm proud to say,
He's gay!
All:
And European!
Dave:
He's gay!
All:
And European!
Dave:
He's gay!
All:
And European and Gay!
Jessie:
Fine okay I'm gay!
All:
Hooray!
And so it was discovered Jessie St. James was helping his boyfriend Dave Karofsky bring down New Directions with no success because Rachel was not devastated for she fully supported gay relationships. So the Glee kids go to Regionals in good spirits and win. Puck and Quinn decide to keep the baby (Beth). Puck and Kurt announced that they are engaged so Beth will have two dads and one mom. Quinn and Rachel hook up, Brittany and Santana become official, Matt and Mike announce that they have been together since middle school, Mercedes find love with the new quarter-back Sam, Tina and Artie stay together after Artie comes out as Bi because Tina finds it kinky, and Finn is left to wonder if he is the only strait guy it glee never mind that he's single.