This gets a bit angsty, a bit clichéd and I really enjoyed writing it. The Mullins base idea was mentioned in the first few episodes of season one, I just extrapolated on it to make it seem deeper and possibly more emotional. Don't take this as canon. Maybe read it as a slight AU in which Mullins base is awful.
Disclaimer: I don't own Zombies, Run!
***…***…***…***…***…***
The new Runner Five has no name.
Sam knows this because it has been one week since this silent creature came from Mullins base and in this one week, he has overheard (read: eavesdropped) several conversations between Janine and the Major involving said runner not having a name. Or the ability to speak, by the sound of things.
"I've heard rumours about Mullins, de Luca," the Major says quietly as Sam listens from outside the door, "but to think they would be capable of wiping away memories and identities is absurd."
"It doesn't make sense any other way." Janine responds, just as quiet. "If only this new Runner Five could talk to us-"
"Dr Myers has done a full medical examination. There's no physical reason why the runner won't speak-"
Sam has decided he has heard enough. He doesn't need to know Runner Five's life story. He doesn't deserve to know it. Because with a new Runner Five he's reminded that…
That he lost Alice, the old Runner Five.
*.*.*
"Alice I'm being serious, you need to take care out there."
It was sunny outside, a lovely day. The sky was blue and clear and the sun shone in the sky, warming Sam's skin. Alice grinned, smile brighter than any ray of light Sam had known. "You worry too much, Yao."
Sam sighed, though he couldn't stop a small smile tugging at his lips. "I only worry because I care."
"What, about me?" Alice joked, eyes twinkling with mischief. "Because I'm your favourite?"
"I care about all my runners." Sam answered simply.
Alice's smile softened slightly, growing in sincerity. "Good because we all care about you, Sam. Especially me. I care about you terribly."
You're the loveliest person I've met throughout this whole ordeal, perhaps even throughout my whole life. Sam thought to himself. "You're really not my favourite you know." He said out loud, winking good naturedly.
Alice threw her head back and laughed. That's what he would always remember about her. That rich, long laugh she so often shared. "You will never convince me that I am not your favourite. I know I am! I can sense it!"
Sam didn't reply. This made Alice laugh even louder, until eventually Sam had to join in.
A few days later, Alice Dempsey was dead.
*.*.*
The new Runner Five has auburn hair lopped messily at her jaw. It looks like a five year old has cut it, all uneven and jagged. It makes Sam question the sensibility of Mullins base. Once, when they pass each other in a corridor, Sam smiles and waves to be polite. Five widens her eyes slightly and nods uncomfortably.
"She doesn't like me," Sam sighs into his mystery meat later that day, to a sympathetic Maxine Myers, "she really, really doesn't like me."
Maxine pats him lightly on the arm. "No offence, Sam, but I don't think this is personal – it has nothing to do with you. I mean, Runner Five was bazooka-ed out of a helicopter, she hardly had a nice landing. She might just be wigging out because of the trauma. Besides, Abel Township is different from Mullins. Maybe she's just adjusting."
"Does she really… I mean… She can't speak?" Sam whispers.
Maxine sighs, pursing her lips. "I don't know. Physically, she can speak. She said a few words to me when she came in. I think she just… Doesn't like speaking. Or maybe she's been trained not to. Mullins is very shady like that. We might never know what they do over there, or even what they've done to Five."
"And her memory-"
"She said she didn't even know what her name was. Not that I'm supposed to even be telling you this," Maxine adds quickly, "I mean, this is top secret stuff. But between friends – I think they might have wiped her memories when they trained her to be a soldier."
Sam frowns. A whole life, wiped away. "How awful."
"You can't tell anyone." Maxine says. She knows he wouldn't tell a soul anyway – Sam Yao, loyal to the end – but she clarifies just to be sure.
Sam nods, still frowning. "You know me. I am a vault."
*.*.*
He starts seeing Alice everywhere after a particularly vivid dream. He was being chased by a horde, chased to the edge of a cliff. There was nowhere to go, no one to help him. He was alone with twenty of the un-dead. He was going to die. And then, he heard it.
"Not giving up on you yet, Yao." Alice Dempsey was suddenly next to him. She grabbed his hand, squeezed tightly, then navigated them both out somehow. He can't remember the details but at the time it was pretty magnificent. It involved some kicking and punching, even some shoving. The zombies parted and they escaped. After running for a few minutes, they stopped. "You alright now?" Alice asked in the dream, panting from the sprint. He could feel it all in great detail. It was so eerily vivid, it might almost have been a memory rather than a dream.
Sam woke up gasping for air.
Ever since that dream, he sees Alice in every fleeting reflection. He sees her ghost when he's not quite awake during early morning Comms jobs. Sam hears her voice sometimes, or thinks he hears it. Often it sounds too real to be a dream. And then, if that isn't bad enough, he starts seeing his sister and hearing her voice too. He sees the disappointed faces of his parents after a while, too vivid to ignore. He sees people from his past, their faces in the corner of his vision.
It's not healthy. He knows it's not. So he does the only thing he thinks is right – he asks a doctor.
"It's part of the grieving process." Maxine says when he asks her. "Shock related, I'd say. It should pass in time."
How much time? Sam thinks but does not say. I don't want to be like this forever.
"Just get plenty of sleep, make sure you remember to eat every day and," Maxine pauses and takes his hand in her own, "remember you can talk to me whenever you want. When I lost Paula I thought I was going crazy too."
"Were you?" Sam asks without thinking. "Going crazy, I mean. Was it like this?"
"Worse." Maxine laughs drily. "I was actually having conversations with her."
Sam smiles sadly. Inside his heart breaks a little bit. They had all seen so much horror these past few months. Everyone had lost someone. Sam couldn't help but wonder, how much pressure can you put on a human being before they break? If he could write an equation to show the relationship between trauma and human instability – but humans can't be quantified, he reminds himself. He used to enjoy the unpredictability of humans. He liked the diversity that came with each person, how they differed from everyone else around them.
Now, he's not so sure.
*.*.*
"Five is out of range!" He calls desperately. "Someone, just… Boost the signal! Five, we need to… Five? Can you answer me? Well, obviously you can't since… Since there's no signal."
Pop. Needle in the balloon. Sam Yao's chest deflates. He feels something inside him sinking. He runs a hand through his overgrown black hair. You lost another one.
"That's not fair." Alice's voice says. "You couldn't have stopped any of this, Yao. Sometimes things can't be changed. It's fate."
"Fate?" Sam whispers. "I don't believe in fate. Was your death fate?"
Alice's voice does not reply. He can almost see her face, frowning with teeth worrying her lower lip. She was always so expressive. She used to have wild conversations with Maxine about science, her eyes lighting up and her hands waving about as she discussed the remarkable nature of the universe. When she was disappointed, you could always tell from a mile away. Her face was always so readable. She was always honest. Everyone loved Alice.
Sam loved Alice.
He stares at his hands for a few moments. Did he love her? Well, if she had asked him to risk his life for her, he would have said yes in a heartbeat. She was the loveliest and the kindest and the funniest and the best. She was Alice Dempsey. Sam loved Alice Dempsey, whether it was platonic or romantic he wasn't sure. He felt, to some degree, that whether it was platonic or romantic was also irrelevant because he loved her deeply either way.
So he had kept her echo in his head just like everyone else he loved. He kept her voice and her image filed away with his sister and his parents and all the other people lost to this diseased new world. Sam Yao realises that he has been keeping people for a long time. He holds them all inside himself tightly. He carries memories like a light. He squeezes and squeezes the ghosts of those he loves because that's the kind of person he is.
But it's breaking him. He can feel the pressure behind his eyes. The memories hurt this time. Too many lives; too many wonderful, bright, lovely lives.
"Yao," Alice's voice whispers, somewhere to his left, "Sam Yao, you beautiful human being. Listen to me."
Sam closes his eyes and wills himself not to cry. "Yes, Alice Dempsey?"
"You know that I don't like to see you worry." The vision of Alice murmurs. "So can you do something for me? Please, Sam?"
"Anything." He answers. "What do you want?"
"I want you to let me go."
*.*.*
The new Runner Five comes back. Sam has been talking to her the entire time. He didn't know if she could even hear him but he had to try. Sam Yao holds people and he also never gives up. He's stubborn sometimes. He's loyal to the end. And he would not give up on a runner, not even when it looked like they were done for.
The new Runner Five comes back and Sam knows she is not Alice Dempsey because Alice Dempsey can never return, not even as a ghost. That would be unfair to her memory. The echo of Alice is nothing compared to the reality. His love for Alice wouldn't allow anything else. So he let the ghosts go but he kept holding on to the memories. And he told Five all about it, not knowing whether or not she could even hear him. Of course, now he knows she heard every word.
The new Runner Five comes back. Sam greets her at the gates, expecting another awkward nod. Instead, she sees him and without warning she wraps one arm around him in a quick embrace which is more like a squeeze than anything. It's hardly a hug; it resembles something more formal than that, something rigid but also thoughtful. All the same, it's unexpected for Sam. He stands there, gaping like a fish, and Janine snorts. "Right, off to decontamination, Five. Sam, close your mouth. You look like a fish."
As Five walks past him, he smiles.
And Runner Five, for all her usual stoicism, gives him a small smile back.