Author's Note: So, I've been feeling kinda Emily-deprived lately and decided to re-watch one of the Emily-centric episodes, 'Demonology'. This is what came out of it – a little melodrama. I hope you'll enjoy reading!
Disclaimer: I do not own CM, its plots or its characters.
In Heart, In Mind
Emily didn't know how she ended up on the doorstep nor how long she had been standing there, staring blankly at the buzzer. She remembered walking away from the church, down the pathway and across the road, but her mind's journey stopped there. Her memories from then on consisted only of a bunch of blurred faces and passing structures.
The last three days were harrowing for her. She was told a dear friend of hers had passed away and it set her off on a mission to uncover the truth behind his death. An hour ago, she came dangerously close to losing another had herself and Morgan not been there in time to save him from a doomed ritual of dispossession. Yet, it didn't ease the overwhelming grief and guilt she felt for the one who'd perished, the one who'd made her feel loved.
Her childhood and adolescence years were brimmed with disappointments, embarrassments and setbacks. Moving from one country to another, bonds were formed then broken, promises were made but unkept and innocence taken that would never be returned. In Matthew, Emily found the bona fide friendship she had longed for and now, it's gone forever. She won't be able to tell him how much she cherished their relationship, how much he meant to her and how much she loved him.
Could that be why she was standing here, on her doorstep?
Emily remained motionless on the porch with her freezing hands stuffed deep into the warmth of the pockets of her coat. Her hesitation continued to get the better of her even though the bitter winter weather had her entire body shivering irrepressibly. Maybe she felt the need to punish herself with the cold, maybe she wanted to numb the pain in her heart or maybe she simply didn't care what happens to herself anymore.
But no matter the amount of uncertainties she had within her at that moment, she knew one thing was for certain – she needed to see her.
With newly-discovered resolve, Emily pulled out one of her trembling hands and reached out to press the doorbell. Not more than three seconds later, she heard shuffling noise resonate from the other side of the front door and she was swept over with a sudden urge to bolt. The impulse became increasingly and insanely stronger as the noise got closer, but for some reason, she couldn't find the strength to move from her spot. All she could do was pray, as abhorrent as the act was after everything that had happened, it wouldn't be him answering the door.
God appeared to have heard her prayer when the door swung open to reveal a casually-dressed JJ with a sparkle in her cerulean eyes and a smile on her flawless face. Everything about the blonde just took Emily's breath away.
The smile on JJ's face faded the instant she laid her eyes on her snowflakes-covered and sullen-looking visitor. "Emily? What are you doing here? Why aren't you at home resting?" She asked in quick succession, her voice was a mixed of surprise and confusion. "It's freezing out there, and you're shivering," she commented with a troubled frown.
JJ hurriedly stepped out of the comfort of her house and into the frigid cold. She placed her hands on either side of the brunette's upper arms and could immediately feel her quivering uncontrollably underneath them. She tried to warm her up by rubbing her palms up and down repeatedly against the cool, damped limbs. "Come inside, we need to get you warmed up properly before you catch a cold," she said, tugging on Emily's left arm in an attempt to bring her into the house.
Having JJ so close, Emily could feel the wonderful heat radiating from her slender body and the warm hands on her arms were a mint contrast to the chill of her skin; she could smell the heavenly scent of her lavender shampoo that mingled so perfectly with her distinct natural fragrance and it never ceased to make her feel as if she had her head in the clouds.
She was about to allow herself to be pulled along by JJ when two different sets of laughter drifted out of the house, into her ears. One of them was an adorable gurgling, which she recognized to be baby Henry's and the other, she knew exactly who it belonged to as well. She felt a stab to her already wounded heart.
At that moment, Emily regretted the decisions she made. She should have taken up Rossi's offer to drive her back to her lifeless apartment after the bust and drown her sorrows with the bottle of whiskey she had stashed away in the cupboard. She shouldn't have wandered around the streets because then she wouldn't be there, showing up unannounced and intruding on their blissful lives. What the hell was she thinking when she rang the doorbell?
Oh, the pain she could have spared herself.
"No, no," Emily mumbled, shaking her head as she started to back away from JJ, slipping out of her gentle grasp on the way. "This is a mistake. I shouldn't have come here. I'm gonna go now."
"What?" JJ uttered, watching on with her mouth agape while Emily took several steps backwards. Her hand fell slackly from Emily's arm back to her side, too surprise to react properly. "Wait, Em-"
"Honey, who's at the door?"
"Uh, I'm gonna go out for a sec, alright? Don't worry though, everything's fine!" JJ yelled back at Will from the entrance hall. She had no clue why she didn't let him know it was Emily, but she didn't have time to chew over her answer when she looked out the door briefly to see Emily trudging farther and farther away with her head hung dejectedly. She quickly grabbed her coat off the rack and slipped into her shoes, closing the front door behind her before rushing over to Emily.
Once she deemed Emily was within her reach, JJ stretched out her hand and grabbed her arm lightly to stop her from walking away. "Emily, what's going on?" She asked worryingly, only to receive the silent treatment. She let out a frustrating sigh, but she wasn't going to give up so easily. If the morose appearance and uncharacteristic behavior were any indication, there was no doubt in her mind that Emily was suffering. She shook on the other woman's arm as she said pleadingly, "c'mon Em, talk to me. Please. Let me help you."
"You can't help me, JJ," Emily murmured in despondence, turning her head away to avoid eye contact. "No one can."
"You don't know that. How can you know when I don't even know it myself?" JJ replied, moving to stand in front of Emily and tenderly cupped her face with her hand, turning it towards her. Her heart broke when she saw how crushed Emily looked. She began to caress her cheek gently with her thumb and she felt Emily clenched her jaw before slowly leaned into her touch. Heartened by the acceptance of her comfort, JJ prompted softly, "now, can you tell me what's wrong?"
Emily shook her head and backed away again, even though her whole body was practically aching for JJ and she wanted so much to throw herself into her arms, but she simply couldn't stand to have it all taken away from her later on. "This," she whispered, almost inaudibly.
"What?"
"Me."
"Emily, what are you talking about?" JJ questioned exasperatingly. She took a step closer towards Emily, only to have her backed up by two.
"I'm what's wrong, JJ!" Emily cried out, jabbing her finger into her own chest. "Don't you get it? Matthew's mother was right. He was never troubled until he met me. I made him questioned his faith and everything he believed in. I was the one who caused him all his pain. I was the one who drove him to addiction. If he had never met me then..." He'll still be alive, she finished in her mind, not able to bring herself to say it out loud.
"Oh, Em," JJ breathed out sympathetically. "What happened to Matthew... That wasn't your fault. You can't blame or punish yourself for his death. Father Del Toro killed him, Emily. Not you."
"Not directly, but I tore him apart inside. So I might as well have," Emily retorted, her chest heaving as emotions welled up within her.
"Emily..."
"JJ, don't."
"Don't what, Emily?" JJ exclaimed, letting her anger erupt. She was tired of being pushed away, hated it even, especially after Emily had opened up to her. "Don't comfort you when you're hurt? Don't help you when you're in distress? Don't be your friend?"
"Yeah!" Emily shouted in the heat of the moment, dropping her head in rue straight after. She then closed her eyes, trying to keep her emotions in check.
JJ stared straight at Emily with her astonished wide eyes, taken aback by the admission. "You don't want me to be your friend?" She asked huskily as tears started stinging her eyes.
"I never wanted you to be my friend, JJ."
"What? I don't get it, Emily. We've been close friends for these last few years and now you're telling me you've never wanted-" JJ hitched when she caught the longing look Emily was giving her and she realized then, just what she was admitting to. Her shoulders slumped as the agitation left her body. "God, Em... I'm sorry, I had no idea."
Emily turned away from JJ. She couldn't bear to look at her. Her heart was wrenching in her chest and she didn't know how long she could continue to take the heartache. She did her best to hold in the tears that were threatening to spill from her eyes, but a couple of traitorous tears still managed to escape and slide down her cheeks, which she wiped away furiously. Reminding herself to stay strong, she turned back and forced her words out, saying, "like I said before, I made a mistake by coming here."
"Then why did you come?"
"Because I followed my heart, JJ," Emily blurted out defensively. "Just when I thought I'd spent the past hour wandering around aimlessly on the streets, I ended up on your doorstep. But I guess it's the same as it leading me nowhere."
"Don't say that! I'm right here, Emily! It may not be the way you want it to be, but I'm always gonna be here," JJ paused, waiting for Emily to look back up at her. "For you."
With that last couple of words, she closed the distance between them and wrapped her arms around Emily, holding her tight. Her eyes fluttered close when she felt Emily melt into the embrace and tears slowly slithered down her face, creating a small puddle at the berm of Emily's coat.
Drained emotionally and physically, Emily surrendered herself to JJ. She didn't know if there'd be a next time that JJ would hold her like this and so, she savored it like it's the last – searing into her mind the position of every curve on her body, the feel of her lithe figure pressed up against her own and the feel of her silky blonde hair on her fingertips.
She lost Matthew to a delusional priest and she lost JJ to a detective from the south. But regardless how far away they were from her reach, Emily knew she would forever be able to hold them close to her heart with the precious memories they created together, because like the one of Matthew, her memory of JJ was the one thing no one could ever take away from her...
The End