Hey guys so this story is going to be a little different from my other ones. I had the idea for just a few days and thought I might as well give it a shot. But if you will notice from the summary that there is going to be a lot of violence in this story, I just want to make it clear for everyone that if you can't handle domestic abuse then please don't read. Anyway I hope you all like it, and don't worry Spain is not going to be the abuser, he's far from it. Also this story is going to be in Romano's POV.

Warning! : Characters are humans not nations, past domestic abuse, past rape, and boyxboy.

Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia

I wasn't going to say that everything was perfect now, that everything was all fucking sunshine and rainbows. Because it wasn't!

I mean it was true that my life had taken a gigantic turn for the better, but that didn't mean that I fully had my life back.

HELL NO! If anything I have like a fucking quarter of it back dammit! A-And I was really starting to think that there was no getting it back at all. I know that most of you guys would be like, 'But Lovino, it's over now. Your not with that cheep, psycho, manipulating, perverted, fucking asshole dickface loser anymore! How can you say you don't have your life back?'

Well I'll tell you dammit! ...I-I'ts because he took that.

Shit, that bastard took so much from me, but whatever. It's not like I even fucking care anymore!

It's not like I still have nightmares, and secretly think that he's coming back for me.

HELL FUCKING NO! I don't give two shits! I never have, and I never will!

...

Except maybe that I do give... maybe one shit.

Ugh, dammit all I really want is to be able to put it behind me. You know like Hakuna Matata, except this isn't a fucking movie! It's not like I could just so easily put it behind me, and totally forget about it! Because it's not that fucking easy dammit! Maybe it's easy to forget supposedly killing your father and running away from your home and birthright! But it isn't so fucking easy to forget about really bad past relationships! It's fucking hard as hell, dammit!

...I think I'm saying 'fuck' to much? Oh whatever, I'll say fuck as long as I fucking want to, FUCK!

But one thing I really can't deny though, are my... f-feelings toward Antonio. That romantic bastard.

After the whole mess with... um, him. Well just everything that had gone on with all that stuff and shit. I never thought that I could... you know... fall in love again.

But I did! HA TAKE THAT YOU FUCKFACE!

*cough* Sorry about that, anyway I just really, really appreciate everything that Antonio had given to me, and continues to give me.

I only wish I could give him the same.

I'm not saying that it's some kind of weird one sided relationship, no, absolutely not! I'm his boyfriend, and he's mine. He even fucking lives in my house dammit! Well not officially.

To be brutally honest, I-I'm... scared. There I said it dammit! I'm scared! I-I just don't know if I'm ready to really commit again.

Oh fucking, damn shit! It's just really hard.

I mean it was years ago when the relationship ended with him. I would actually say that it was about 4 years ago. Yeah, 4 fucking years ago and I'm still afraid. Oh god I'm such coward...

I-I-I just don't always feel... safe. I feel more empowered then I did four years ago, no I am more empowered! But it doesn't change the fact that it did happen, and who knows maybe I'll never get over it? Or maybe I already have, but this is just lingering thoughts or something? I don't fucking know!

Maybe it's the thought of another serious relationship that is making me feel this way, 'cause god knows my first one was flushed down the toilet.

I just don't want to get hurt again.

"Lovi, sweetie, can I ask you a question?"

It was like the fucking middle of the night, and while I was trying to catch some much needed zzz's, that fucking idiot decided to wake me the fuck up!

"What is it dammit! I was trying to sleep!"

"Sorry sweetie, but I... I wanted to ask you about that dream, or nightmare I should say, that you had last night. I just wanted to know what is was about."

"Dammit Antonio you already asked me that like ten times today, just drop it! I told you it was nothing!"

I hated lying to him, I really hated it. But it wasn't like I could actually tell him about it! You know why? Because he would change if he knew. Because I...I-I hadn't told him about my past relationship. I know you all must think it's dumb to keep such a thing a secret from your boyfriend, but you see, I have to. I've seen it happen before, so I know it could happen again. I get to comfortable around him, I tell him all about how my ex used to beat the living shit out of me day in and day out, and than BAM, he's a a whole new person around me. It happened before, with an old close guy friend of mine(not anymore of course), I told him about it and he became like this big fluffy teddy bear. Yeah a fucking teddy bear!

He acted like ever step I was about to take I was going to step on a shard of glass. I bet he would have even tucked me in at night and read me a fucking bed time story! It was ridiculous! He treated me like less of a human being because he was so scared of hurting me, he wasn't being genuine with me anymore. And, dammit, I love Antonio, yeah that's right I fucking said it, I love him, and I don't want him to change. Ever.

"I know Lovi, I'm sorry. I just want to make sure your okay. Are you okay my love?"

I rolled my eyes, mainly because I was trying to ignore the blush on my face, "Yes Antonio, I'm fine, okay?"

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay."

"Alright. Now let me get some damn sleep!"

"I love you."

"Yeah, I love you to."

"Can I have a goodnight kiss from you my love?"

I didn't answer him at first, I just sorta huffed and puffed.

"Please Lovi, I promise I'll be quiet afterwards."

"Alright, come here." I pressed my lips against his, they were so warm. But soon enough I lent back from the kiss, and lied down again, "Now goodnight Antonio!"

"Goodnight my love."

Even though I didn't always admit to it, I loved that smug bastard. I really, really loved him. Which is why is breaks my heart that he thinks the only person that has ever...had sex with me and shit, and the only person who's ever had my heart was him. It really breaks my heart, but I just can't tell him, I really can't.