This is part 7 of the If and Only If series; see my profile for other fics in the series and a suggested read-order, if you are new.
Maybe putting that as the first line will help. :|
Anyway, welcome back! Bro feeeeeels are the best feels. :3
Search algorithms are a very integral part of computer science and mathematics, and if I never ever look at another one in my life it just might be too soon. (This is purely my computer science education talking, as finding complexity of search algorithms still haunts my nightmares)
We have 2 fics left before we get to the long-form. :3 Next up is Toooony~
Search
When Thor wakes, he does not leave his room. Not immediately. He sits on the edge of the bed, head in his hands, and remembers.
He remembers a blow none of them saw coming, blade of ice slicing through his little brother's armour. (He had never felt so helpless.)
He remembers the sudden tight press of things against his skin before Loki's face twisted into a snarl and they vanished, the warmth of Loki's study surrounding them and Loki collapsing.
He remembers Loki's shriek on waking.
He remembers his father's gaze and sharp words—"We will discuss this later."
He remembers Loki's crazed eyes gleaming in the dark, terror and pain making him savage as Fenrir.
He remembers a mortal life with a brother who only spoke in numbers, magic all that was left to Loki's mind to dream. Remembers snail shells and Fibonacci sequences, remembers trying to keep his brother safe without truly understanding why, remembers trying to stop him from drink and self-destruction, remembers the sigh of relief when Loki found Tony.
He remembers the sudden sharp twist of vertigo when the car accident happened and he was unable to do anything, soul echoing in remembrance (he had never felt so helpless).
He looks up, gaze resting on Mjolnir.
He leaves the hammer when he goes to find Loki. He does not need his father's words or mother's gaze to know that he is not worthy of it.
XXXXXX
Loki is gone.
XXXXXX
Thor is numb.
He half-listens as his father rages and Heimdal stands silent, but he cannot comprehend the words. He knows he should be able to, but none of them make any sense. Not since Heimdal told them that Loki had woken when he should still be sleeping, that Loki had slipped away when Heimdal left for a moment, that Loki has hidden himself so that Heimdal cannot See him.
Thor had only wished to distract his brother from whatever had been troubling him. He never meant for this.
There are more words, this time directed at him. Thor blinks and focuses on his father.
"Yes, Father?"
"Find him."
Thor stares at him; Odin's eye does not soften.
"Find Loki and bring him home. Search all the nine realms and do not return until you have him in your arms."
Thor does not need to be told not to return if he cannot find Loki. He would not be able to face his mother in any case, who has not spoken since finding out that Loki is gone, who will not look at any of them; he will have no place here without Loki's laughter and Loki's smile.
Thor takes Mjolnir, because while he is not worthy his cause is. It will have to be enough.
XXXXXX
Thor is not Loki, able to read the universe and use it to find what he searches for. Thor knows that his strength lies in those he knows, in friends and loyalty—even if he feels unworthy of such loyalty now, when the only one whose trust truly matters is missing.
He begins in Helheim with his niece, then works his way up the nine realms. He attends feast and banquet, smiles for them though it does not reach his eyes, and speaks with many people. None have seen his little brother; Thor is promised again and again that if any see Loki that they shall send word. Thor wanders each realm on his own afterward, but all there are are echos of broken structures Loki created to return them to Asgard.
He goes to Midgard just before Jotunheim.
It has been years. Thor remembers business associations of his father—SHIELD—and tracks them down. He offers to aid them in their strange initiative they are working to put together, provided they in turn help him find his brother. He does not mention Odin & Sons or his mortal dream-life at all, only tells them of Asgard, knowing they will be unwilling to refuse him in case it gives offense. He gives them means to contact him and is preparing to leave when he sees the date and pauses.
He finds Stark at his brother's grave.
It has been years since they last met, years which have not been kind to Stark if the glowing arc reactor in his chest is anything to go by. Thor explains everything he can to Stark, more than he told SHIELD by far. If any mortal can find Loki, it will be this man. If there is any being that Loki will seek out, it will be this man. Stark gives nothing away about what he thinks but Thor knows, in his gut, that it was necessary.
All he is is hope now.
Thor leaves. He will have to search Jotunheim entirely alone; there are no friends there. It is cold and it reminds him of ice and blood; the wind howls with echoes of Loki's shriek.
He searches.