Title: Worth It
Author: slacker_d
Pairing/Characters: Sara Lance/Felicity Smoak
Summary: AU Sometimes Felicity wonders if the legends are real at all or if Starling City has only ever existed in devastation and madness.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Word Count: 1,805
A/N: So this isn't A Distracting Fondness because my muse came up with this instead. I feel like I should say something else about it, but it is what it is.
2nd A/N: Obviously, I borrowed the Reavers from Firefly.
Though Starling City supposedly hasn't always been like this, it's all Felicity's ever known. It's a dark, dismal existence that is fighting to simply stay alive. The legends tells of a time when the world held balance, but to Felicity they feel like stories told to give children hope.
Felicity can't sleep. Or, she doesn't want to. Nightmares have made sleep not her friend. Besides, what does she do that requires rest? Also, she feels better knowing that she can watch over Sara, who does so much, while Felicity simply sits here in front of the monitors.
Currently, Sara's asleep on the cot, still healing from the arrow to her shoulder that she received the other day when she and Diggle ventured out for food. It couldn't be helped, Reavers just appeared without warning and surrounded them, and the fact that the pair escaped with such a minor injury is a gift, but Felicity knows that Diggle still blames himself. She wishes he wouldn't, but it's difficult when they've already lost so many: Diggle's wife, his brother, and sister-in-law, Sara's sister, and her parents; all killed by Reavers at some point. And yet what choice do they have? Supplies need to be replaced and searching the streets is the only way they things are found.
Felicity feels even guiltier than Diggle, as the sole person who does not leave the basement that they dwell in—and never really has. Instead, she keeps their residence livable and safe. She does maintenance on the generator that allows them to have light and safety. She's the one that came up with the security system that protects the perimeter and the door. And when the others do venture out, she uses the expired technology in the area that still exists to monitor and warn them.
It had felt like a miracle all those years ago when Sara's family saved her from certain death. Felicity had been on her own for months and so joining the group had been a blessing after being alone for so long. She'd come up with a plan during her wandering and took being rescued as a sign that her idea was meant to be. She explained how it would be safer and eventually easier to find a strong structure and fortify it against the Reavers that roam the streets. The current belief was that it was safer to stay on the move, but Felicity had realized that being so constantly exposed would never truly be a safe option. It had seemed so obvious after Felicity had lost her family. She blamed it on her youth for not realizing it sooner. What she didn't realize until years later is that the reason so many chose to keep moving instead of holing up, is that no one was able to employ the discarded technology surrounding them. But for Felicity, understanding it, fixing it, and using it came easily; and the key to surviving became staying put.
They'd been a group of nine, including Felicity, and for whatever reason the fates had allowed them to take refuge in the basement of an abandoned steel fabrication and welding factory. The rusted out old sign was still somehow attached declaring it Queen Industrial Inc; even after all these years it still squeaks loudly whenever the wind blows, blending in with the rest of the sounds of ruin in the area.
The legends say that Robert Queen's lunacy destroyed Starling City; that it was because he lost his wife, son and daughter at sea while he survived. It drove him insane and drove him to create The Undertaking, a strange device that remains shrouded in mystery. No one can describe it or knows what it did, but everyone who speaks of it, portray it as a powerful evil. The legends say that Queen believed that it would bring his family back, but instead it destroyed the city. It caused mania, chaos and entropy to take over Starling City.
But that was generations ago; back when Starling City was thriving and wealth flowed through the city. No one still alive truly knows. When Felicity was told the legends by her parents as a child, it was just a story, one that had been told to them by their parents, and to them by their parents before them. Sometimes Felicity wonders if the legends are real at all or if Starling City has only ever existed in devastation and madness.
"You okay babe?" Sara asks, sleepily, as she joins Felicity at the picnic table that houses Felicity's equipment.
"You're supposed to be resting," Felicity admonishes. "You're hurt."
"I slept almost all day," Sara argues. "And it's certainly not the first time I've been shot by an arrow."
"Don't remind me," Felicity grumbles.
"I'm okay, Felicity, really," Sara assures her.
"It was too close this time, Sara," Felicity tells her. "If Dig had been even five seconds slower..."
"But he wasn't," Sara replies.
"I think you forget sometimes that I can see and hear everything," Felicity reminds her. "I gladly watch the horrors out there to help protect you guys, but if you make me watch you die, I will never forgive you."
"I know, babe," Sara says. "I know."
Felicity sighs. "You're really okay?"
"I'm getting there."
"I wish you'd rest more," Felicity says.
"It'd be easier if you were with me," Sara tells her.
"Someone has to watch the monitors," Felicity replies.
"Isn't that why you set up all those alarms and systems?" Sara questions.
"Technology fails," Felicity says.
"Not in your hands," Sara praises. "No one understands it like you do. Besides you need to sleep."
"I just don't think it's a good idea," Felicity explains.
"You have to try," Sara says. "I know you're worried about nightmares, but getting no sleep isn't the solution either. And I'll be right next to you."
"Maybe," Felicity allows. "But this time of year is always tough for me."
"I know."
She'd only been eleven when her parents were killed. Her father had hid her in a dumpster right before he and her mother were jumped by Reavers. Being surrounded by filth and garbage had been disgusting, but it had kept her from being discovered, something about the stench concealing her from them. Her father had insisted that she stay quiet and not wanting to let him down, she did. But that also meant that she had to stay curled up perfectly still and listen to the Reavers rape and kill both her parents before tearing them apart. Though she knows that seeing it would have been even more unbearable, the sounds that she experienced were horrifying enough to fuel her imagination and paint sickening visuals of their deaths, that when added to the echoing sounds of their agony in her nightmares has always been enough to make her scream herself awake in terror.
It happened just before The Cold started. Long bitter months of freezing temperatures and bitter winds to contrast the heat and dryness of The Hot. Though no one really has any way of knowing the specifics of how, why or when, the cycle continues and is how they mark the passage of time.
"Will you at least try?" Sara asks after a long moment of quiet. "For me? Because I really do sleep better with you than without."
Felicity glares at her, hating how tired she suddenly feels and how much the idea of being wrapped up in Sara's arms makes her happy, even if just for a moment.
"Fine," She huffs. "But if I have a nightmare and I hurt your shoulder, it's not my fault."
"You won't hurt me," Sara assures her.
"You say that like I haven't already," Felicity scoffs.
"Worth it."
Felicity sets all the perimeter alarms before joining Sara on the cot. Sara is on her back and Felicity curls into her uninjured shoulder, not sure if she wants to fall asleep. Sara's injury catches up to her and she's drifting off to sleep before Felicity is, leaving her to ponder.
Her girlfriend's attitude is baffling. Felicity doesn't understand how Sara can still be the way she is after losing her parents and her sister. When they first met, Felicity had been twelve and lucky as hell while Sara had been ten and still had her family. But over the last ten years, she's lost them all. Sara says that Felicity makes her life still worth living and though Felicity loves Sara, she also worries that she's not worthy all of the devotion that she sees in Sara's eyes.
Diggle says that it's because Felicity is the reason they've survived as long as they have, that even at the age of twelve, Felicity knew what needed to be done to stay alive, and made sure it happened, even though she was still grieving and lost.
Felicity wants to believe him, but Sara's dad died protecting Felicity and there are plenty of days that the guilt is suffocating.
"Thinkin' too hard," Sara murmurs. "S'keeping me wake."
Felicity sighs. "I know. I'm sorry."
"S'okay."
"Why do you love me? Really?"
"Cause you're Felicity," Sara mumbles. "Because you're smart and sweet and strong and cute and funny and smart and perfect."
"Sara," Felicity huffs.
"S'it's true," Sara mutters. "The world's sucky. But loving you, laying here with you makes all the badness go away and the darkness not matter. Being with you makes the struggle worth it."
"How can you... everything's horrible," Felicity protests.
"I know," Sara agrees. "Life is shit. But there are moments, small perfect moments that wipe out everything else for a while. And almost all those moments are with you."
"Sara..."
"Our families died, Felicity," Sara continues, tightening her hold around her. "And that really, really sucks. I miss them. I miss them every day. And it hurts. But they died so we could live. And so to honor them, their memories and their sacrifice, I'm going to be happy whenever I can. Maybe it's just this moment with you, but it's something. I love you because just being with you makes me happy and I want that, I need that. So stop trying to take that away from me. Just let me enjoy it. And maybe you could even try to enjoy it yourself. Okay?"
Felicity really can't argue with that. "Okay," she says finally.
"Okay?"
"Yeah," Felicity replies. "Okay."
"Good. Can we go to sleep now?"
"Yeah, I guess."
Sara sighs and snuggles closer to Felicity. "Love you babe."
"I love you too, Sara."
It might not seen like a lot , but in a world like theirs, it may be exactly what Felicity needs. And as she lets herself relax into Sara, Felicity realizes that her girlfriend is right. It is a perfect moment and she's going to enjoy it.