I don't own South Park. This story is set at the end of the 7th season, right after another SPA fic called "Fiona". I hope you'll like it. Please review, even if you don't because I'd like to know what I have done wrong with it.
This fic is a parody of giving background characters main characters' personalities and fleshing them out. While this is not exactly that bad according to me, it gave me an idea for a funny story ^^. The fic includes a number of background characters who aren't OCs, you can rest assured of that. The most prominent in this fic are Dogpoo Petuski, Francis, Boy with Blue Cap, Lizzy and Gary Harrison. You can find articles about them all in South Park Archives.
And now, enjoy the story. It's...
[The opening sequence – the one from 7th season. The music plays the third, country style title theme]
Les Claypool: I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time.
Kyle + Stan: Friendly faces everywhere, humble folks without temptation!
Les Claypool: I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind.
Cartman: Ample Parking Day or Night, people spouting, "Howdy, Neighbor"!
Les Claypool: I'm headin' down to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind.
Butters:Loo, loo, loo, I've got some apples, loo, loo, loo, you've got some too!
Les Claypool: So come on down to South Park, and meet some friends of mine.
SOUTH PARK AARGH #03 - EPISODE 717 (season 7, episode 17): Fiona
[The sun rises as we see a perfectly normal, Brown-coloured house in South Park. The camera zooms in to a view of a window. It seems to be covered in mud and dust. The scene cuts to an inside view of the room. It's unusually dirty. Patches of dirt and dried mud are all over the place, even covering a small bed. Inside the bed sleeps a dirty, pale-brown-haired child, Dogpoo Petuski. He turns over, so we can see his dirty face. He opens his eyes, looks around, then sighs. He gets up on his feet and marches out of the room]
[We can now see a breakfast scene in the Petuskis' kitchen. A black haired woman wearing a white apron, who appears to be Dogpoo's mother, looks at her son. She exchanges a look with a brown-haired balding man with a moustache wearing an orange overall]
MRS. PETUSKI: Eat your waffles, Donny.
[Dogpoo raises an eyebrow. He looks at his waffles, then at his mother, then sighs again]
MR. PETUSKI: How was school yesterday, son?
DOGPOO: Nothing special…
MRS. PETUSKI: Come on, Donny, tell your father what happened yesterday.
MR. PETUSKI: [in an encouraging voice] Tell me anything, I'll be satisfied with just one little thing.
DOGPOO: [unsure] Well… The kids from Mr. Garrison's class had a new girl in school, the same who stole my allowance before. Then Cartman suggested we came up with nicknames for her, then Kyle started yelling at him as usual, then Cartman said he wanted to become "The Human Cannonball" and he jumped off a…
MR. PETUSKI: [interrupts him] Donny?
DOGPOO: Yes, dad?
MR. PETUSKI: Why do you always tell us stories about Eric Cartman and his friends and not what happened to you?
DOGPOO: But you said anything would be fine.
MRS. PETUSKI: Answer your father's question, Donald!
DOGPOO: Well… It's quite simple, it's just… I don't get much action these days. If something interesting happens at school, it usually happens to them. Our class… just fades into the background, you know? We're just not as interesting as them.
MR. PETUSKI: [surprised] What? That's just ridiculous, Donny! Our son's just as interesting as Eric Cartman, and that's final!
[Dogpoo looks at his waffles again and sighs]
MRS. PETUSKI: Now sweetie, why didn't you take a bath last night?
DOGPOO: I did! All the dirt just seems to come back! As if it was a part of me…
MRS. PETUSKI: Now, Donny, remember what I told you about lying?
DOGPOO: I'm not lying! It just keeps coming back!
MR. PETUSKI: [in a stern voice] Don't be difficult, Donald! Go and take a bath, like your mother says!
[Dogpoo sighs again and goes into the bathroom]
[We can now see Dogpoo coming out of his home. He looks unusually clean. He walks up to the street carefully, as if he was expecting something. Then, a car approaches him quickly and leaves him covered in mud. Next, a pack of cats fighting each other attacks the boy, leaving him scratched and covered in dust. Finally, a bird flies over and defecates right above Dogpoo. He sighs and starts walking to school]
DOGPOO'S VOICE: [only hearable to the audience] My name is Donald Petuski. But that's not how everybody calls me. Everyone calls me Dogpoo. That's how everyone treats me. As if I was a product of a dog's digestion process. Compared to the rest of my school, I'm just a prop. Sometimes I feel that my job is to create a good background scene for people more interesting than me. [As he says that, he passes The Boys' bus stop, where we can see Cartman, Stan and Kyle arguing about something] What am I known for? Being the most dirty-looking kid in school. No matter how long a bath I take, dirt seems to follow me like a faithful pet. Sometimes I think I'm the most unlucky kid in South Park. [As he says the last sentence, we see Kenny bleeding to death on the street because of being hit by a javelin in the eye. Soon, Dogpoo approaches the school. Two boys, one wearing an attire similar to Craig's, a blue jacket, gray trousers and a blue-yellow cap, and the other a brown-haired boy called Francis, wearing a brown jumper with a beaver on it, join him. The three enter the school hall] And this is our school. South Park Elementary. Quite a big school for such a quiet, little, white-bred, redneck, mountain town. Our teacher's name is Mr. Bart. It's a boring teacher compared to Cartman's class's teacher, Mr. Garrison. It's a shame our teacher isn't a sex addict, pedophile, racist or hasn't had a sex change. At least he wouldn't be so boring then.
[The children from Dogpoo's class enter the classroom and take their seats. Among them are: Dogpoo, Francis, Bluecap aka Brad Dixon, Lizzy, Gary Harrison, Terrance Mephesto, Bill Allen, Fosse McDonald, Nelly, Damien Thorn, Mark Cotswolds, Sally Turner, Jenny Simon, Pete Melman and other children. The yet unseen Mr. Bart doesn't come in, Mr. Mackey does instead]
MACKEY: M'kay, children, you need to calm down and take your seats, m'kay? [The class quiets down] Now, kids, I'm afraid to tell you that your teacher, Mr. Bart fell ill last night, mm'kay?
CLASS: [in unison] Hooray!
MACKEY: So I have been chosen as his substitute, mm'kay?
CLASS: Aww…
MACKEY: It seems that Mr. Garrison also has got the flu, and the principal chose me as his substitute as well, we have to join the classes for today… m'kay? Now you need to move your things to Mr. Garrison's classroom, m'kay?
DOGPOO: [frowns at Mr. Mackey, annoyed] Wait, wait, wait a minute! Why are we moving to their classroom and not the other way round? Why is it always their classroom?
LIZZY: Yeah! Why us?
MR. MACKEY: M'kay… I've never thought of that, m'kay? Fine, I'll ask Mr. Garrison's class to move to your classroom, m'kay?
[The other fourth grade's classroom again. The Boys and the other students from their class come in, carrying chairs from their classroom. Cartman comes in first, he has trouble breathing from "carrying all those heavy chairs"]
CARTMAN: [pants heavily] Guys… Seriously… Guys…
KYLE: [annoyed] Cartman, move your fat ass so we can come in!
MACKEY: M'kay, calm down, Kyle, or you'll have to stay in the classroom on recess, m'kay? Now take your seats, children, m'kay?
CARTMAN: [As the children sit down among the other fourth grade's students] See? Nice going, you stinkin' Jew!
KYLE: Cartman, stop it! Stop being racist just for one hour!
CARTMAN: I'll stop being racist when you stop being a Jew, Kahl!
DOGPOO: [to Francis, rolling his (Dogpoo's, not Francis's) eyes] Here we go again…
STAN: Urgh, you guys, really? This thing again? You've had this conversation yesterday and the result is still the same: Cartman is fat and Kyle is Jewish…
[Clyde falls asleep on his desk]
FIONA: Aye, ye lads could stop this arguing, especially when we're in a different classruim. Ye're embarrassin' us.
CARTMAN: I don't take orders from a woman! Especially from female ogres!
FIONA: Shut up, fatarse!
CARTMAN: Ay! Don't call me fat, you Mary Sue!
STAN: …Now you're arguing yourself!
WENDY: Shut it! What must the other fourth grade think of us right now?
DOGPOO: [to himself, raising an eyebrow] "The other fourth grade"?
BUTTERS: [points at Dogpoo and the others] Aw, they're used t-to it already. Most of us were in the third grade with these fellas!
FIONA: [raises an eyebrow] Really? I don't remember that.
KYLE: You weren't even with us back then!
FIONA: That doesn't mean I'm not discriminated against!
KYLE: Discriminated against? What the hell are you talking about?!
STAN: Guys, please!
MACKEY: [gradually losing his patience] M… kay… Will you now let me carry on with my lesson or do I have to send you to the school councilor?
CRAIG: [monotonously] You are the school councilor.
MACKEY: [thinks for a second] …Oh, yes, I am… …M'kay.
BILL: [chuckles, to Fosse] Huhuhuhuhuh, It's m'kay to be gay, m'kay? Huhuhuh…
FOSSE: [chuckles] Uhuhuhuhuh, Mr. Mackey's gay, m'kay? Uhuhuhuhuh…
MACKEY: [glaring at the two] Now stop that, you two, m'kay? Everyone knows that I'm not gay… m'kay?
CARTMAN: That's not what your mom told me when she called me yesterday.
MACKEY: M'kay, very funny, Eric, hahaha. My parents don't even use cell phones, m'kay?
CARTMAN: [raises an eyebrow] Seriously? What kind of old farts are they?
MACKEY: [impatiently] Be quiet, Eric, m'kay? So as I'm your school councilor, I'm going to give you a task for tomorrow of writing a psychological profile of one of the students, m'kay? It has to be done by tomorrow and contain a minimum of two hundred and fifty words…
STAN: Hang on, hang on! You're supposed to give us homework at the end of the lesson!
MACKEY: Well this time, it's different, m'kay? The whole class will work on the profile and I now want you to share the tasks with all your classmates. As we have two classes, two groups will have to choose two children who will be the subjects of the psychological profiles. Yes, Wendy?
WENDY: [raising her hand] Mr. Mackey, isn't that task singling out those two students and making them vulnerable to the ridicule caused by their classmates?
MACKEY: …I'm not sure what you mean, Wendy, m'kay?
WENDY: I mean the students will most likely use the profile to make fun of one of the kids. I mean, who would be so stupid as to…
JASON: [raises his hand] I volunteer!
JIMMY: J-jason? You want t-to be the sub… the subject of the p… the peeh… the profile?
JASON: Sure I do! At least I'll get some attention!
CARTMAN: You can't be the subject, Jason! You're a shallow character!
JASON: [losing all the enthusiasm] Aww…
FIONA: Lads, I can be the subject fer ten bucks!
CARTMAN: Fat chance, you greedy bitch! Mary Sues can only describe their hair colour! The subject should be Timmy. Everyone knows that only retards get psychological profiles!
TIMMY: [glaring angrily at Cartman] Timmah!
KYLE: [also glaring angrily at Cartman] No, they don't! What do you even know about psychological profiles, fatass?!
CARTMAN: Ay! I'm not fat, you stinkin' Jew!
[Dogpoo looks up, clenching his teeth, clearly annoyed]
KYLE: We're not picking Timmy because he's handicapped, Cartman!
CARTMAN: But Kaaaaaaahl, we have to pick Timmy because he's a retaaaaaaaaard!
KYLE: Cartman, don't!
CARTMAN: But Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeehl, we have to…
STAN: How about we just draw straws? That should be fair.
BUTTERS: Uh, that's a great idea, Stan! We'll use my crayons! [takes out a bunch of differently coloured pencils from his backpack and hands it over to the students]
KYLE: Wait a minute! Cartman should be the subject! He's the most crazy kid in the entire school!
CARTMAN: Nu-uh!
[Dogpoo is getting more and more angry, now being red in the face]
KYLE: Yeah-uh! Don't even try to deny it! You're a homicidal maniac, you have daddy issues, you're an anti-Semite and ambiguously bi!
CARTMAN: …Nu-uh!
KYLE: [angrily] Are you even listening?!
BLUECAP: [in a high pitched voice, similar to that of Kyle or Bradley Biggle, but in a more calm tone than Kyle] Well… he really isn't the most crazy kid here. Our Damien has got the most issues.
DAMIEN: Here begins the rule of pain! The new domination of...
LIZZY: Now, calm down, Damien, you butt pirate!
BUTTERS: [disappointed, finds only a very short crayon left in his hand] Aw, hamburgers, I've got the shortest one!
KENNY: [chuckles] (You can say that again, Butters…)
[Some boys sitting near Kenny burst into laughter]
CARTMAN: Well, that settles it. Butters will be the subject.
BUTTERS: [worried] But fellas! If I am the subject of a psychological profile, my parents are gonna ground me!
[Dogpoo bams his head on his desk]
STAN: We're willing to take that risk, Butters.
KYLE: I still think this is wrong, you guys.
CARTMAN: [rolls his eyes] Oh, please. Nobody needs to hear your Jew mouth rambling about what is right and what is wrong! Jews don't know what's right!
KYLE: I swear it, Cartman, if you insult my religion again...
DOGPOO: [isn't able to take it and suddenly explodes with anger] EVERYBODY, SHUUUUUUT UUUUUUUUUP!
[Everybody reacts with shock. Cartman frowns, Stan opens his mouth, Butters hides under his desk, Kenny pulls the strings of his parka, Tweek faints. Only Craig doesn't react at all. A few seconds pass and Clyde wakes up from his sleep]
CLYDE: [yawns] …Hm? What happened?
DOGPOO: That's right! You should all just shut up! All you do is talk all the time and prevent others from speaking! You don't even notice everyone is fed up with you!
CLYDE: [confused] Me? What did I do?
DOGPOO: No, not you specifically, I mean the lot of you from Mr. Garrison's class, especially Cartman, Marsh and Broflovski!
CLYDE: Oh… That's all right, then. [goes back to sleep]
CARTMAN: What? This is bull-crap!
CRAIG: …He does have a point.
STAN: Huh?
CRAIG: Oh, come on. You must have noticed. You three are practically the only ones who actually say something in here.
CARTMAN: Well, wha'evah, Craig! If you want to say something, just say it!
CRAIG: I am sa….
CARTMAN: God-dammit! Shut up, Craig! Nobody wants to hear about your period!
[Craig glares at Cartman]
DOGPOO: You see? You're doing it now! You're preventing others form speaking!
STAN: [uninterested] Yeah, whatever, kid. Here's your chance to speak. Our subject is Butters, what will yours be?
MACKEY: Now hang on a second, kids, m'kay? It seems there has been a misunderstanding, m'kay? You have to choose a student from the other fourth grade and vice versa, m'kay? It's a competition, after all…
DOGPOO: [angrily] Why are you calling us "the other fourth grade"? As if we were worse than them? Why can't they be the other class?!
STAN: [ignoring Dogpoo] You mean we have to write about a guy from their class? Aw, dude, that sucks!
DOGPOO: [glaring at Stan] What do you mean?
STAN: Well… No offense, but you don't really have anybody who we could write about.
DOGPOO: You mean we're uninteresting?
STAN: Well… yeah.
DOGPOO: [to his classmates] See, you guys? I told you, they are patronizing us! I bet you don't even know my name, Stan Marsh!
STAN: [taken by surprise] Uh… I think it was… Charlie?
BUTTERS: Jack?
KEVIN STOLEY: Steve?
WENDY: No, no, he had a nickname! It was… uh… Pig-pen?
TIMMY: [After a moment of silence] …Timmy?
CARTMAN: Yup, my guess as well.
[The school playground. Dogpoo and his class walk out of the classroom]
DOGPOO: [angrily]Dude, I can't believe these guys can be such selfish assholes!
BLUECAP: Dogpoo, look. Maybe you're just overreacting a little bit? It doesn't matter if we're not as interesting as them, who cares?
DOGPOO: Who cares? I can't believe what I'm hearing!
NELLY: You've gotta admit that they have some pretty interesting kids there. There's Stan, that activist kid who facepalms all the time and has this crazy dad, Kyle, that impatient Jewish kid with moral issues…
DOGPOO: So what? We have our own token Jew, Francis! [points at Francis] Look, we can't stay in the background forever! We have plenty of interesting people!
LIZZY: Like who, you ass rammer?
DOGPOO: Like you, for example! Lizzy, you're the most foul-mouthed girl in our school, every day some animal kidnaps you and you wear that damn pink hood up all the time! Isn't that kinda original?
LIZZY: [thinks for a second] Hey, yeah! [enthusiastically] I didn't realize until now, but I actually fucking kick ass!
[Bluecap looks at Lizzy and raises an eyebrow]
DOGPOO: Then, take Terrance. He's a mad genius scientist, his father's a genetic engineer, his brother is a monkey of some kind and all his pets have five asses!
EVERYONE: [cheerfully] Yeah!
TERRANCE: And I am pleased to inform you that my six-assed ostrich is already in the process of growing another ass!
FRANCIS: [less excitedly] Yeah!... [he's frowned at by the rest of the children]
DOGPOO: And now for Bill and Fosse! The biggest bullies, Terry's sidekicks, known throughout the school for one sentence.
BILL: Huhuhuhuh, that's gay.
FOSSE: Uhuhuhuhuh, that's gay.
DOGPOO: There's Mark Cotswolds, the previously homeschooled kid. He uses a hamster ball to travel to school and sometimes he's faster than cars! How awesome is that?
[Mark smiles at Dogpoo. Bluecap seems less and less interested]
DOGPOO: We have Gary Harrison, the Mormon kid. Is he boring?
EVERYONE: No!
DOGPOO: Then I suggest we show those other fourth graders that we can be just as interesting as them!
EVRYONE: Yeah!
BLUECAP: Yeah… or we could focus on doing the project first.
DOGPOO: [annoyed] Aw, you see? That's why people like you fade into the background, Brad! All you care about is your stupid project and your stupid blue cap!
BLUECAP: [angry] Hey, take that back! My cap is blue, but it's not stupid! At least my clothes don't get dirty every half an hour!
DOGPOO: My clothes don't get dirty every half an hour!
[A huge truck, driven by Mr. Venezuela, approaches Dogpoo from behind]
MR. VENEZUELA: [without looking behind] Coal delivery!
[A large amount of coal falls from the truck and lands on Dogpoo. He struggles and finally reaches the surface, as black as… well… let's leave the racist jokes to Eric]
DOGPOO: [sighs] Crap.
Looks like Dogpoo is really frustrated with this "staying in the background" thing… Please review, if I get 10 reviews, I'll send all of you drawings of Dogpoo!
Wensleydale