AN: Holy crap, it's been 5 years since I last touched this story. I'm rewriting everything to match my new style and also to introduce MAJOR CHANGES. Enjoy. Thanks goes to kylekatarn77 for prodding me about updating, otherwise it would've been another 5 years.

I wanted to keep this as canon as possible, but that would mean Naruto would be 12 and that would be weird if I ever wanted to make this any higher than PG-13/T. So yes, this is now an AU where the rookies are all 16 and Sasuke was successfully retrieved a year ago but is under probation. He's also not such a huge prick.

Inner!Naruto only exists in his narrative and is no longer separated by fancy punctuation. I find it less obnoxious that way.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

Femininity (Rewrite)

Chapter 1

Kakashi glanced up from his latest edition of Icha Icha Paradise and sighed. He'd have figured the three would've matured after three years of training under their own personal Sannin instructors, but that was apparently hoping too much.

"Naruto, stop dicking around!"

"Haha, c'mon bastard, let's -- !"

Naruto wasn't able to finish issuing his challenge to Sasuke before he was knocked into a tree courtesy of Sakura's fist. Of course, this knocked the tree over and sent the shopping bags flying through the air. Sasuke quietly caught them before they fell and the eggs broke, which Kakashi heartily approved – it wouldn't do to fail the mission on account of eggs.

The blond tenderly rubbed his swelling cheek. "Sakuraaaa…" Yup, the whine was definitely the same.

Sakura smirked. "You deserved it. Right, Sasuke?"

"Hn."

"You bastard!" Naruto directed to Sasuke. Then to Sakura: "You two are always ganging up on me."

"All right everyone, we're almost there," Kakashi interrupted. As amusing as his former students were, anything further than this harmless bickering and the landscape would change pretty dramatically. Sakura did not learn to think first and punch later from her master.

Naruto grumbled and yanked his bags back from Sasuke.

After hopping across a few more trees, the group entered a clearing with a small, dilapidated hut. White smoke puffed cheerily from the chimney, indicating that someone did indeed live there.

"I suppose this is where we're delivering the groceries," Sakura stated, hefting up her paper bag so it fit more comfortably in the hook of her arm. She'd adamantly insisted paper, not plastic, which was probably due to her boyfriend and his talk of Keeping the World Beautiful for the Future Youth of Tomorrow!

Kakashi was sick of hearing Gai gush about how his lovely student was so environmentally conscious. He felt just a little sorry for Sakura. The lecture he'd gotten after throwing his empty can into the garbage instead of the recycle bin still echoed in his ears late at night. As if he didn't have other things to feel guilty over.

"This is it! Hmmm, eight hours. It took us longer than I expected," Kakashi mused.

Sakura rolled her eyes, Naruto muttered about shortcuts under his breath, and Sasuke was staring at some pebble on the ground. The red light from the sunset barely filtered through the branches surrounding the clearing. It would be dark soon.

Suddenly, an elderly woman stuck her head out the window. "Took you all bloody long enough! I needed those eggs hours ago!"

The front door was flung open and she came outside. She was about the same height as Naruto, who was still shorter than the average 16-year old regardless of how much milk he drank, and she had her white hair pulled back into a tight bun. Small reading glasses half-way down her nose gave the impression of a typical frail granny, but the tight lines at the edges of her pursed lips clearly meant she wouldn't be taking slack from anybody.

Kakashi quelled the urge to use Excuse No. 34, the one about black cats and tentacle monsters (he suspected the woman would not be amused), and mentally delegated Sakura the task of dealing with their client. She had experience in staying polite when angry old hags -- Kakashi quickly scanned the clearing for Hokage robes -- needed placating. Naruto and Sasuke wisely took a step back, leaving their team mate in the line of fire.

"We're very sorry for the delay, ma'am," Sakura said politely, with a perfectly staged tone of regret. Her eyebrows drew up to give her that distressed look that worked so well when she needed to ask Tsunade-sama for a favour. Oh, she was good.

The old woman scowled, but Kakashi could tell the fight had gone out of her. Whether she actually fell for Sakura's bit of acting or if she just couldn't bother with it all this late in the evening, who knew.

"Fine, very well, get those bags inside. Then wash up out back and set up the table. The quiche will have to wait until tomorrow, but the stew's been ready for a while now."

This met with some surprised looks from the trio. Even Kakashi hadn't been expecting a free meal out of this, and a home-cooked dinner was much better than the alternative. It was tradition to rotate who cooked each time they had to light up a campfire, and Naruto's turn was tonight, which meant instant ramen.

"Don't just stand there like logs, get to it!"

Sakura led the boys into the house to drop off the bags in the kitchen. Naruto rushed back out and headed for the tiny well by the hut, followed by Sakura and Sasuke at a more reasonable pace.

"That means you, too, mister."

Kakashi jauntily saluted and nodded, "Inoue-san," as he walked passed to join the rest of his team.

Naruto rinsed the soap from his hands with the bucket water and dried them on his pants. He'd been looking forward to his miso ramen all day, but stew would be awesome, too. Besides, he figured he could have the noodles as a midnight snack later. He was still a growing boy no matter what that bastard Sasuke said.

It was nice, spending time together as Team 7 again. Kakashi-sensei probably thought it'd be funny to pull some strings and get them assigned to shop and deliver groceries. Naruto would've liked to tease Sasuke a bit more about how his first mission since being put under house arrest was a D-rank, but the look in Sakura's eyes warned that it would be too soon.

After three years, Naruto liked to think that he matured quite a bit.

Naruto's stomach growled. Right, time to eat.

He left the others and found his way back into the kitchen. The old lady was stirring a big pot on the stove. He leaned closer and inhaled deeply. "Granny, that smells good!"

"Bowls are in the top left cupboard, cups are on the dish rack, spoons are in the drawer."

Naruto grinned and began to set the small table. He paused when he realized something. "Hey, there's only 4 bowls here. And 2 spoons!"

"It's not like I get many guests, boy. Go check in there if you don't feel like sharing cutlery."

Naruto opened the door she'd jerked her head towards and spent a moment to gape at the mess. For such a small home, there was a heck of a lot of junk crammed into the closet. It was worse than in his apartment, though not before Sasuke came in and made him clean up when he borrowed a shirt from the older boy and gave it back with mold growing on it. Yeah, even he was a little grossed out by that.

He saw a small pile of bowls on the top shelf and stretched a bit to pick those out. Holding them under his arm, he rifled around the open boxes, trying to identify a spoon by touch.

Ouch! Naruto pulled his hand back, which knocked into an unsteady tower of boxes that went tumbling on his head. "Aghhh!"

When he managed to get out from under the mess, Naruto saw that Sasuke was standing by and Sakura had her fists in the ready position. She quickly lowered them.

"Naruto, you idiot!"

Naruto wiped his mouth with his palm and smeared blood from the cut onto his face, which he then wiped off with the back of his hand. Something'd spilled on him that made him smell like flowers. He smacked his lips – tasted like flowers, too. Weird.

The old lady came by next with her hands at her waist. "What's all this racket? You'd better clean this up before you even think of setting foot back in my kitchen, boy!"

Naruto grumbled. Who stored knives with the blade right side up anyway? His palm was already healed, so he wiped the blood away on his pants. He'd wash them later.

He righted the boxes and stuffed the contents back inside. Some forks and spoons were on the ground, so he picked up two and put them in the bowls that luckily didn't break from the fall. Satisfied that the closet looked no worse than before, he kept rearranging things to make it neater.

Wait, what?

Five minutes or so later, the closet was reorganized so that it looked slightly less like a battle zone and slightly more like a tidy storage space. Naruto noticed Sasuke smirking and glared. The bastard probably thought his obsessive cleaning habits were rubbing off on him. Naruto flipped him off and carried the bowls and spoons to the well to wash them, never mind that he almost never washed his dishes until living things started budding on them. Why, this one time…

Before he knew it, Naruto was back in the kitchen, finishing setting the table with the remaining sparkling clean cutlery. Sakura had already set out the cups and she, Sasuke, and Kakashi were seated at the cramped table. The old lady carried the steaming pot out and placed it on the creaking wood. She scooped herself a bowl and sat down before digging in. Everyone else hesitated.

"What, expecting better service? Just be happy I'm giving you any food at all, ingrates! Serve yourselves!"

Typically, Naruto was the first to take her on her offer and grabbed the ladle. But instead of filling his own bowl, he filled Kakashi-sensei's. And then Sasuke's. And then Sakura's. And when he finally filled his, he didn't fill it to the brim.

The rest of (former) Team 7 stared at him.

"Naruto, are you…feeling okay?" Sakura asked.

Naruto nodded slowly. He supposed he could get seconds after finishing his first serving. Man, he was starving. Just as he was reaching for his spoon, his hand overshot and grabbed the pitcher of water. With a strangled noise of frustration in the back of his throat, he filled all the cups on the table.

…What was going on?!

He darted his eyes around the room to look for anyone who might've been holding him with a mind-control jutsu, but he saw and sensed no one. He offered a shaky smile to Sakura, who was giving him the strangest look. He didn't blame her – he'd be shocked too if she started being all polite. Or at least he'd be wary of hidden agendas.

Naruto glanced to Sasuke, but his eyes flitted back down almost immediately, so he only managed to catch a single raised eyebrow. Huh. He usually never backed down from a chance to scowl at the bastard, but whatever, he was probably just really hungry.

Naruto looked at his spoon. He willed his hand to pick up the spoon. His stomach churned and he started getting dizzy from the effort.

Oh for crying out loud, pick it up!

Sasuke sat by and watched Naruto try to burn a hole into the table with his stare. The idiot was starting to shake and sweat.

Their client was reading some romance novel in one hand and feeding herself with the other. "Hurry it up and eat while it's still hot! I'm not entertaining you all night."

Sasuke hn'd and used his spoon to stir his stew for a bit. Kakashi's bowl was already empty and Sakura was just starting to take a bite. Naruto's bowl was still left untouched.

How…odd. From the gurgling he was hearing from Naruto's stomach, Sasuke'd figured the blond was pretty hungry. Then again, it wasn't the most bizarre thing to happen today. Naruto cleaning? So far that only happened twice a year, and only when Sasuke was standing by with a Kanton jutsu ready to torch Naruto's supply of instant ramen. Sasuke even had to personally decontaminate Naruto's refrigerator each month to ensure the boy didn't give himself food poisoning. Sure it was written up as conditions for his parole since Tsunade-sama favoured Naruto like a violent, doting grandmother, but he was still the one doing it.

Sasuke scooped up a piece of potato and put it in his mouth. Hmm, not bad. A little bland, but not bad. Could use some tomato sauce.

"Finally!" Naruto half-shouted before tucking into the meal. But not in the usual way. Sasuke paused in his eating to watch Naruto lift a shaking spoonful of the soup to his lips and sip at it with his pinky sticking out. On the next scoop, the blond's arm shook so fiercely that the spoon fell right out of his grip and clattered to the table. Stew spattered on Sasuke's sleeve.

At this point, even the old woman stopped mid-chew and mid-page-flip to look up.

"Did you hit your head on something earlier, Naruto?" Sakura asked seriously, her medical side starting to come out as Naruto grabbed a napkin and started dabbing at Sasuke's arm. A sickly, flowery smell hit him and Sasuke pulled away, stared, and watched in stoic bewilderment as Naruto's face flushed bright pink.

"I'm so. Nnn. Sorry." Naruto was having a hard time spitting out those words. His face scrunched up amusingly before he eventually hissed, "You. Bastard."

And with that Naruto's eyes rolled up behind his eyelids and he toppled backwards off the mini-stool. Sasuke would've caught him, but he was still in shock from the semi-apology. Luckily Sakura was there in a split-second to make sure Naruto didn't rattle his brain any further.

Sakura did her medic thing, checked Naruto's pulse, pulled open his eyelids, all the while Sasuke and Kakashi kept an eye on their client who was frowning at the two on the floor.

"He just seems to be unconscious right now, though his heart rate's a bit faster than normal and he appears flushed," Sakura concluded after her quick assessment. Now that her 'patient' was deemed stable, Sasuke watched as she turned on their host. "What did you put in the stew?"

"Maa," Kakashi put a hand up to ward off Sakura's accusations. Sasuke gave her a nod as well and she went back to tending to Naruto. "Inoue-san, if you would be so kind…?"

Sasuke refocused on this 'Inoue-san' as she dog-eared her page and put the book down. "Do a good deed and it bites you in the ass," she muttered. In a louder voice, she said, "Potatoes, carrots, peas, beef, and some salt and pepper. Your boy allergic? I should have an EpiPen in storage." She got up and went to the closet. Sasuke watched as she shuffled the boxes around and undid Naruto's tidying in less than 10 seconds. She emerged a minute later, holding an empty vial and wearing a grim expression.

"My nose isn't as good as it used to be. Tell me, girl, do you smell roses on the kid?"

Sakura raised both eyebrows but leaned her face down a bit closer to Naruto. "…Yes, I do." She traced the scent back to its source. "It's right on his collar. What does that mean?"

Inoue-san sighed. "Nothing good. Damn it all, I'm too old for this."

"What is it? Will Naruto be okay?"

Sasuke's chest constricted tight for a second before he breathed out slowly. Surely that damn fox wouldn't let its host get killed by some perfume?

Meanwhile the old woman answered, "It's my feminizing potion. And whether or not the kid'll be okay – we'll have to wait until he wakes up."