Once upon a time....as these stories must always start...there was a herd of princesses staying at the Castle de Seyrunn.
And every night, they snuck out....so they were too tired to attend the social functions all their parents had arranged. They posted guards so they could not sneak out.....locked the doors tightly....yet still they escaped.
So, there was a challenge. Whoever could discover where the princesses went to...could marry the one of their choice.
Many greedy men took up the challenge...only to fail. So they kinda died. Sucked for them.
Then, one day, there was a dude wandering around miserbly. His skin was like stone, his smile was non-existant, his clothes were all too covering, and his hair was a friggin' mess.
It was Zelgaddis. We like Zel.
So automatically you can assume, he's not gonna get beheaded. But lets show you how he came to figure things.
Well Zel was just a wandering around, in search for a cure to his complexion problem....when he came across a small hut. Curious, and a slight hungry....he knocked as to meet the home-dweller.
A very annoyed, slightly flat-chested red-head opened the door.
"What the HELL do you want?! I'm in the middle of dinner!"
Zel peered around the be-caped woman...to see a feast behind her.
"Well, perphaps you'd like a dining companion...?"
"NOT INTERESTED"
The door slammed in his face.
Undaunted, he broke the door's lock and walked right in. The woman glared up at him...but didn't bother to tear herself from her meal. She was much more concerned with stuffing her face than kicking out the intruder.
So Zelgaddis sat on the other end of the table, and began eatting as well. Only he actually bothered to eat with something resembling table manners.
Between the two, the meal was done quite soon. Red wiped at her mouth with her wrist, then tilted her head at Zel.
"So what the hell do you want? You better not stay here long."
"I don't plan to."
"Well...m'Lina. Lina Inverse. You better remember that name."
Zel sweatdropped, rolled his eyes, and nodded. "Of course I will."
"So where are you headed?"
Zel sweatdropped again. "I don't know."
Lina twitched. If he had no destination, he'd stay with her. That meant he'd eat HER food. She could blow him up....but then she'd have to rebuild her home. She could take him outside to do it....but somehow she doubted asking him to step outside so she could maim him would work all that well.
She thought quickly....and got an idea.
"Well, why don't you become rich?"
"Excuse me?"
"If you go a little ways west...you'll come across the Castle de Seyrunn. There, they're holding a...contest...as to marry off one of the princesses. The one of your choice."
Zel gave Lina a Look. "I don't wish to marry."
Inverse scooted closer to Zel. "If you become rich, you can surely buy a cure for your...complexion problem."
Cure. A cure.
That was all Lina had to say.
"To the west you said?" he asked causally.
Lina smirked. Perfect.
"Yes, to the west. But to win the contest...remember this. No drinking. Especially not anything those princesses give you. And....."
She hesitated....then gave him her cape.
"Wear this. With it, you can become invisible. All you have to do is think it."
Silently, the stone man walked off.
Lina's eyes watered slightly. She'd miss her cape. It was her favorite.
Zel made his merry way to the castle. When he mentioned entering the 'contest', he was ushered in quickly.
It was only then that they went over the game rules and such. In particular, that death would be in order if he didn't win.
One thought ran through his mind.....
'Lina Inverse is going to DIE'
But he couldn't exactly get out of things now. He had to play along. After recieving the royal treatment, he was shown to his chair, where he would sit and watch the princesses.
The eldest princess, who had an impressive bustline, then offered him some wine. He was very very tempted. Wine was good, and a castle had to have very good wine. But he refused her.
"Ohohohohoho!"
Zel winced at the laugh.
"C'mon, sweetie, for me, nee?" she cackled.
He accepted it...and poured it into a potted plant when she wasn't looking.
For Zelgaddis was a sharp one. He figured it out. In that wonderful wine must have been some sleeping potion. If he drank it, he would have surely fallen into a deep sleep, giving him no chance to watch the princesses.
If that happened, he would die. That would suck for him.
So he pretended to fall asleep, even adding in some snores. One princess crept towards him curiously.
"What a strange, strange man! He has flesh of stone! ...but he's so CUTE!"
The eldest princess scoffed and quickly scolded her younger sister. "Amelia, have you forgotten our princes who await us?"
"Yeah."
Gracia, the eldest princess....twitched. She dragged her sister away from the supposedly sleeping Zel.
"We have to leave, now." she said matter-of-factly.
Amelia whined. "But what about the cute guy...?"
"He's going to die. That's all."
As the princesses left the room, Zel snorted. He was not to die. Not him.
He drew the cape around him, then hurried after the girls...down a secret tunnel that had opened up from the floor.
He followed the princesses as they went down the steep stairs that lead down down down........the stairs were so steep in fact, that he tripped, and fell into Amelia, who was bringing up the rear.
That, of course, sent the girl falling foward...into her cousin, Princess Marle.
Who fell into Princess Umi.
Who fell into.........well you get the picture.
The princesses all reached the bottom of the stairs in record time though...but that was hardly any consulation to the incredibly annoyed Gracia.
"Amelia! What the HELL is wrong with you tonight?!"
Amelia sniffled, and wailed. "It's not my FAULT! Someone PUSHED me! I swear it, I DO!"
Gracia counted to ten silently, quieting any thoughts about maiming her sister. "Amelia..." she started carefully, "There was no one standing behind you...........SO HOW THE HELL COULD YOU HAVE BEEN PUSHED?!"
Zel sweatdropped. Good thing he was invisible.
In answer, Amelia merely gave a whine...there was no other answer that she could give without incurring the wrath of the jiggling elder.
The princesses collected themselves, and as they brushed themself off...directing all glares and grumbles at the youngest......they started making their way through a forest.
The forest was.....amazing.
Every tree shone and glittered with some richness....silver, gold, and diamonds.
Zel snapped an expensive twig off each and every tree.
And with each snap, young Amelia freaked out, while her elders all heard nothing.
By now, Zel was starting to feel a little bad for the blundering princess.
But only a LITTLE.
The merry procession made their way then to a lake. At the lake awaited boats...one for each princess. And conviently enough, each boat included a prince to row it. Zelgaddis watched with interest as a princess enetered each boat. There was certainly no prince and boat for him though.
He quickly sat in the boat where Amelia sat. After all, she was the youngest, and also the smallest, so that left him more room than he'd get on some other boat.
As he boarded, the boat bobbed violently under this new, heavy weight, and Amelia...who was ever so foolishly standing up........was sent overboard.
By the time the prince fished her out the water, she was none too happy. In tears was closest to the truth.
Zel was starting to feel a little bad for causing her so much trouble.
But only a LITTLE.
The princes all rowed their respective princess across the lake...one commenting to a his very young, sobbing princess that she must have taken on alot of weight.......which only added to the tears.
After they reached the shore, Zel shook the boat and watched the prince fall into the shallows with a smirk.
Well anyway...upon the shore was a great ballroom floor. And, naturally....in a ballroom one danced. So every pair, save a sulkly Amelia and prince, danced.
Amelia was drowning her sorrows in wine, causing the girl to be a tidge tipsy.
Zelgaddis didn't think she'd miss that gulp or two of wine he took when she wasn't looking, but apparently, in her current state, that was wrong wrong WRONG....
The young one accused her prince of stealing the wine from her and promptly dumped all the remaining wine over his head, screaming that he could have it.
Zel thought this princess was a little crazed.
Well....not just a LITTLE.
But he was at fault for it all.
Cool. Sucked for her.
Gracia sighed and decided it was time to head home, before Amelia further worn out their welcome. So the girls went back on home, Zel racing ahead them up the stairs, throwing off the cape, and sitting back in his chair. He looked as peaceful and well-rested as a newborn babe.
Gracia and Amelia both looked kinda frazzled.
The next morning Zelgaddis confronted the king, using his ever expensive tree twigs as hard evidence. Convinced, King Phil sent for his daughters and their half-dozen or so cousins.
Seeing the twigs, they knew there was no way out of it. There was only one thing they COULD do....
"Please please please uncle, don't let that awful stone man marry me!!"
"PLEASE UNCLE!"
"I BEG you!!"
That kinda hit Zel under the belt.
"Sorry girls, a promise is a promise."
"WAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"
Only two princesses weren't crying. One was Amelia...she looked all starry-eyed for some reason. The other was Gracia....who apparently wasn't paying attention.
Zel was having a hard time picking the lesser of the two evils, but....
"I choose your eldest, Gracia."
Gracia pikued dumbly, turning to him. "What?"
Amelia leapt onto Zel, grabbing him by his cape.
"The HELL?!?! You mean to tell me it was YOU who put me through HELL last night, and you don't even have the DECENCY to choose ME, over my big-busted sister?! She's not even a decent mage! Or a decent dresser! You can't be serious! YOU CAN'T!!"
She shook him until his brains rattled.
"...wAiT i ChAnGe My MiNd..."
Amelia cheered and SD danced around her soon-to-be hubby.
Things could not get worse, Zel decided.
" 'EY!"
Then AGAIN....
Lina Inverse stormed in, knocked out soliders in her wake.
"Now that you are part of the royal family, I demand pay for my services!"
"...what...?"
"I DEMAND pay for my advice, the return of my cape, and THREE times the amount of food you ate at my home! And FUTHERMORE..."
Zel wanted to cry, cry, and cry.
And not only a LITTLE.
The End.
Author's Notes: Okay...all those other princesses are...uhm...cousins or princesses from neighboring kingdoms. Yeah. That's it. Did I mispell Zel's name? ^^; I really dunno....I'm not the best at Slayers stuff. Whenever I see Gourry I think briefly of Johnny Bravo. So...yeah. This is actually part of a series of fairy tale type thingies I wrote, "WTF: Fairytales for Every Otaku"...if y'dunno what "WTF" is..uhm.. you probably aren't suppose to know it then. Comments? Questions? Pleas for me to stop? Email moi at zee email SailaPyro@aol.com. Yay~.