Residential Evilness 4
Welcome To Loco Village
Leon 'Secret' Kennedy was on a mission, a very important assignment: the kind that always turns into one gigantic disaster. Well not having a car of his own he had been forced to ask some locals to drive him to the nearby village; and the two Spaniard officers just wouldn't shut up. Kennedy kept his cool, eyes locked on the outside even though the only scenery visible was some desolated, half-burned dying forest. Aside from the gray sky with crows circling around, he did spot some unidentified bones lying on the side of the road or hanged in trees; but mainly it was all fairly welcoming.
The man occupying the passenger seat ordered to stop the car, he had barely opened the door when he emptied his stomach all over the road. Kennedy knew these bastards had been drinking, but hey, he couldn't afford to be too picky right now….well, not in some seemingly abandoned, and quite possibly haunted, road in the middle of nowhere.
The driver turned his way and offered him a smoke, Leon looked at him once and it was enough for the man to shrink away. Meanwhile, the sick guy had stepped outside and was gone somewhere, they did hear him mumble something as he strode away like a snake on legs, but seemed to have disappeared after that. Kennedy wasn't the least concerned, not like they needed him anyway as long as there was one of them driving him there.
The blond still eyed the outside, alternatively focusing his retinas on his reflection then back on the forest and so forth; this was turning into the most interesting moment of his entire week. He did think about having an elaborated monologue in his head but dismissed the bizarre idea. A loud 'thud' was then heard followed by a moan; oh there he was, near the back of the vehicle. The driver finished another cigarette before he sighted and got out, walked to the rear and stood there for a good ten seconds, then returned alone. Leon shot him a questioning stare once they started moving again. The Spaniard cop caught sight of the gray eyes in the rearview mirror but moved his back and forth between the road and Leon's face before offering some explanation.
«Mainly some minor, possibly, maybe deadly injury; nothing to worry about. Just, keep your eyes on the road; we never know. Truth is this happens all the time. »
«Well that's awfully comforting. »
The dumbass officer was in the process of lighting himself another cancerous cylinder when the car drove over a stone thus sent the cigarette up his nose. He pulled it out, along with some other substance, and mouthed it saying; «Santa Maria, these smokes are fine, I don't know what they're made of but they've got that particular taste I can't get enough of. »
The rest of the ride was as excruciating, the ever-irritating Policia was absolutely determined on using his vocal cords; clearly mistaking his passenger for someone interested in social gathering, until the ex-cop was finally able to get out of the smelly car. Though the driver still insisted on maintaining his futile monologue, «….don't want to get any parki—»
Leon closed the door on the guys' hand cutting short to the lame reply then walked away. Shitty punch line unheard, this world has been saved from total annihilation once more; seven points to Kennedy.
Our future-hero walks to the silent house lurking in the distance, doing his job silently until he receives an annoying call. In an attempt to pick up his radio though he presses the wrong button which cuts communication. «Woops…. Oh well, they're pros, I figure they'll call back if it was that damn important it had to trigger the nearby birds to fly off the branches and decorate my newly-bought jacket.
A stylishly nice drip of bird's droppings now covers Leon's right shoulder; oddly enough the pattern looks like a smiley face. The crow's victim just leaves it there for the moment having more important matter at hand….like walking silently towards this silent unexciting house until bad luck is triggered again by his radio. Speaking of feces, it smelled exactly like that all around. Kennedy guessed it would stink that way for the duration of his little adventure in such a forsaken shit hole, whether it was because of this place's original stench or from the horrible smell of the two cops earlier that had taken hold of his oh-so-precious jacket.
Alright enough about the damn coat, both the design and color looks like crap. Safe to conceive that's one reason the locals will steal it later.
The door being wide open was clearly an invitation so the uninvited man just walked in. A peculiar aroma assaulted his nose as if someone had been cooking pig's dung. He processed this must be the result of some local's fine cuisine when he realized someone was tending to the fireplace. Not one to lose time with social rituals and really wanting to get out of the fetid room, Leon walked to the man and pulled a picture out of his back pocket.
«Have you seen this girl? »
Far from looking pleased, or maybe that's just his face, the villager stared at him. Kennedy reiterated, «No, not me; I'm asking you to identify this girl. »
Leon didn't particularly like to be gazed at by some unsavory character with such eerie eyes, especially from this close; so he leveled the picture in front of his own face. Doing this he saw the name written on the back of it, flipping it around he saw an unknown brunette instead of blonde Ashtray.
«Who's Mary Sunderland, moreover how did it got in my pocket? »
Next thing he knows he receives a dead chicken in the face followed by some insults. Kennedy had no time for petty assaults; he is on an important mission for fuck's sakes and it stinks! So without further delay he picked his gun and shot the man in the face which fell limp on the floor, Spaniard also emptied his bladder there. The ex-cop slightly leaned over to have a better look, «At least he's not a zombie», he glanced around then shot him a second time. One could never be too careful especially when they look this abnormal.
Leon had not particularly expected a warm welcome but hadn't imagined receiving rotten food in the face so soon. He walked to an alcove discovering skulls laying there plus maggots playing in and on them, all packed with cobwebs. «Where's Mr. Clean when you need him…?»
He then went up the stairs and found a weirdly made corridor with nothing but a simple table at the end of it near the stairs; there was a fine amount of military equipments on it. «Nothing useful here. » ….Leon then turned to the window at his left, knocked on it twice with his bent index then eyed it some more, and rather suspiciously, «…nah.»
Everything was still going according to some plans he wasn't sure he had devised, as he was proceeding back downstairs though he received another call and fell, «Shi-!» thus fracturing some ribs, breaking his left wrist and whacking his face on the floor hard. He groaned and spat some teeth; «Fuck… where's Rebecca when you need her…? »
Minus seven points.
Outside stood a path at his left, he was walking towards it when he heard the most annoying of noise. It came from a cat being stuck in a bear's trap and the fact that Kennedy was nearing it made the feline panic even more, thus further tearing at the flesh subsequently increasing its terror.
Well Leon is a dog person so he just walked by, if it had been a canine he would have helped the poor animal right away, even pet it afterward; but meh. The ex-cop noticed a post sign that read 'Pueblo', and 'Pablo'; the latter was pointing towards the ground where the earth seemed to have been dug through. He looked around, and dismissed the information as not being valuable.
Another trap had been laid further down, a triggering line relying two trees ready to blow with dynamites. Leon was about making his way around it when he noticed being watched by another creepy dude. This one was equipped with a pitchfork and as he started running his way he yelled some insult in Spanish. The word 'imbecile' had been easily identifiable, Leon thought, just before the villager triggered his own trap thus exploding all over the forest. Kennedy eyed the remains, «….indeed.», oh irony.
He ran passed the exploded body and discovered a tiny shack at his left, when Leon stepped in he realized it wasn't any ordinary one. A man and a woman were stuck to the walls with spears; along with their dog, a chicken, one cow, a couple of snakes and crows, plus some big spiders with their legs carefully dismembered. Kennedy shook his head, «Bunch of…what a waste of nutritious food. » He quickly left the morbid display behind and made his way on a fragile suspended bridge, doing so he perceived two villagers over the hill ahead. They were seated having one of their gory pick-nick until they also noticed the intruder, now standing up while pointing at him before disappearing into the forest. Leon slowed down frowning, «Wait, these two weren't there the first time around… re-wait, what….? »
He went down the downhill passage and was now nearing double heavy doors leading to the village when his radio beeped. In trying to reach the volume it snapped off his belt and the off-switch was pushed upon contact with the ground. Leon figured if it was something truly important, which it really wasn't; then they'd call back. But hopefully not. He crossed the doors leading to the community and soon inhaled in quick successions; Leon recognized the nature of the smell right when he pinpointed its location.
That sweet stench of burned flesh was coming from that Policia he had left behind, no doubt he had been caught merely to be impaled over a nicely furnished fire; no loss there. Kennedy made his way through a tiny passage hoping to pass unnoticed; he really didn't feel like being stabbed through and hanged to a wall, or who knows, have a cow thrown at his face.
He was searching for the next best route when he stepped into cow's dung, or at least he hoped it was of animal nature; not that the result would vary since his ass would still have hit the ground. A woman who had been busy emptying a carcass with her bare hands heard his embarrassing fall and immediately screamed for others to gather at her position. Leon was quick on his feet as I suppose anyone would be seeing the enraged look upon her already-ugly features and hearing some massively-deranged crowd closing in.
No time to debate whether to shoot her or not, Kennedy had to find a safe area to evaluate the situation. He ran inside a house and slammed the door shut, instantly blocking it with a piece of furniture which broke upon the slightest touch. Frowning, he pushed another but it also shattered to pieces, «...what in the…» Revolving around on himself he spotted stairs and ascended them quickly, but before he escaped through a window his eye caught on something traumatizing. The second floor's wall was graced with the portrait of an ominous hooded man, his visage severe; a huge contrast giving the fact that he was also posing in bright-yellow underwear. «Definitely not the kind of man that turns me on…well no man does but errr…shit never mind. And why the fuck am I talking out loud to myself!? »
He neared a window and looked around hastily; the village was fairly small so he could make out two exits aside from the gate he came in from. Downstairs, a window got blasted to pieces but it was the sound of a chainsaw that made Leon stiffen, «….FUCKING GREAT, insane fucking pieces of, of retarded fucks! DAMN IT! » He moved to another windowpane and tried to shatter it with the cross of his pistol but all it did was make his hand numb from the blow. «For fuck's-», he undid the latch and was leaping over the windowsill right as his welcoming party were loudly marching up the stairs.
Most of them maniacs were hectic forcing their way inside, Leon ran to the edge and made sure the chainsaw enthusiast was as busy before jumping down. He decided to run towards the closest exit he had seen; wishing it was indeed a way out but when he arrived at a corner someone grabbed him from behind. Kennedy swiftly sent his head backward probably breaking the attacker's nose, managing to get free but leaving his jacket behind. The villager wailing was already attracting pursuers, regaining his balance Leon kept running, «Screw that I'm not getting killed for a goddamn coat, besides it smells horrible now. »
Now that's a cruel miserable fate, even for a shitty jacket.
Deeper into the gloomy forest, the lonely injured cat died of blood loss, soon its body to be repeatedly perforated by crows; let's all have a whole minute of respectful silence for the coat though.
X+++++++++++X
Our lost-but-determined brave man began walking down some rocky path when he suddenly heard and felt something big hit the ground behind him. Turning around he saw a large boulder come his way, however he remained entirely calm and stepped backward; there was enough space to just stare as the huge rock rolled by and down the hill where it abruptly stopped plus exploded upon impact against the stony hill. Because of that, Leon's eyes widened, next his brows narrowed. Kennedy then looked above towards a suspended bridge at the dumbfounded idiots staring at him before shooting them both in the face. «Imbeciles…. » He then reloaded his pistol four hundred times in a row just because he loved doing that.
Right afterwards he made his way through a small tunnel in which he was assaulted by bats who clearly hated him being blond, and next was almost blown up by some fanatics throwing dynamite sticks. Among all the dodging and running around, the men eventually threw dynamite at each other and died, while another ran across an additional ambush therefore painted the surroundings with his insides as well. Ensnaring was clearly not their forte, among other things. Kennedy avoided some more unconcealed bear traps and shot a padlock, thus gaining access to one more decrepit smelly house. He wished every place he went in this rotten community didn't stink so badly but everything was tainted with the outstanding appetizing fragrance.
Blowing up yet more contraptions, wondering why they bothered filling such a shitty house with so much protection, he started to hear a sound that was being continuously repeated. Either someone was stupidly bashing their head against something, like he had witnessed in Raccoon-Anus City, or they were trapped somewhere. Nonetheless Kennedy prepared his pistol since he knew better than to expect things to turn out satisfactory.
He neared the source of the noise, some old closet of sort; ready to fire at anything coming out that came close to being one of them villagers, or a ghost. In wanting to position himself accordingly beside it in order to keep aim then turn the latch with his other hand, his feet became tangled and he fell. Well he did manage to release the lock anyway but he was now facing the floor as something fell on him.
Then there was a good five minutes of them both trying to improve their situation, Leon having this burden on his back who wouldn't budge and the unknown man being unable to make any productive movements. Eventually the blond had the bright idea to roll on his rear and push the other man off him, getting up; he grabbed his pistol and pointed. The one being aimed at immediately started wiggling more violently, not at all aiding Leon to keep his cool nor make an intelligent decision. Ten seconds later Kennedy walked to a corner, picked up a chainsaw and turned it on; now fully getting the other man's attention.
The ex-cop threw the engine away which of course unnaturally exploded, and started asking a couple of questions; until he realized he might get better results if he removed what impeded such an endeavor first. He tried to get rid of the duck tape, several times, thus resulting in muffled screams of pain and most certainly some detailed swearing. His mouth now free, minus some superfluous pieces of skin; the dark-haired man stared, «I shall never ask you for help ever again. », then eying him, «You're….not like them?»
«Actually that's what I wanted to ask; might I also add that your answer will determine whether I shoot you or not. The point of entry though remains to be decided, haven't figured what would be best yet. »
«…No, I'm cool. »
«That is still up for debate. », Kennedy freed the man's wrists.
«Now, I've got to ask you one, very, absolutely, life-important, essential question -»
«NO»
The Spaniard narrowed his brows, «But I haven't-»
«The answer's still no. », Kennedy stood up, the other man did the same while arguing until Leon slapped his palm on the man's face. «Shh! »
They heard footsteps followed by a peculiar sound, like someone hitting their forehead and cursing; seconds later a skyscraper of a man walked in. Still standing behind Leon, the other man specified, «Hmhmgnnm. »
Leon removed his hand, «What? »
«I said; perfect, the big cheese. »
Not waiting for further introduction, Kennedy ran and executed a spin kick. Well that had been his plan if only he hadn't slipped first, fell in between the giant's legs and broke his wrist on the floor. Everyone stared at him as he groaned in pain; someone popped a bubble from their chewing gum. After that he got lifted off the floor and as effortlessly thrown backward into the Spaniard; knocking them both unconscious.
Then a strange enigmatic persona walked in holding a sentient stick, its miniature tentacles whipping the air. At least he was fully clothed this time. He ordered to his brainless minions to tie the hostages together before approaching them while holding a syringe. «Worthless garbage, let me give you our awesome, truly delectable and incredible power! », he looked in utter bliss while saying this.
His right-arm man looked down at him, or rather twisted his long neck trying to do so, «Why would you bestow them with our gift, potentially making them as strong as us? »
«Oh hush, Cheesos. I know what I'm doing. »
The giant man growled, «It's 'Mendez'…. »
The needle penetrated Leon's neck and a small parasite was injected.
Really, truly sucks to be him.
Author Note: Now the reason I am so ruthless with that cat is because of cat-lover hypocrites, who will never tolerate anything done to cats but dismiss any other cruelties perpetrated against any other species. You can mercilessly decimate entire clans of sharks, abandon dogs to starve and die in the streets, destroy entire natural habitats to collect 'palm oil', etc.; but don't you fucking dare look at a cat wrong else they will want to chop your head off. How does that feel on the receiving end? I've no problem putting that in my parody. How fitting for them loving cats since that very animal is also hypocrite by nature and self-centered.
Still, it's a PARODY people, doesn't mean I'm going to impale a cat in real life.
I'd burn one alive.
That is a joke. Don't call the police. I don't want them to discover the dead bodies of humans I hid in the freezer in my basement's basement…. hey, times are rough; I don't have money to buy food.