AN: I know, I know, why am I uploading this when I have three stories that need to be updated? Well, I've had this story in my head for weeks, and I honestly couldn't write anything else until I got it out. Also, I'm going away for a week tomorrow, and I won't be able to update until I get back, so I figured that this would be enough until I can update my other stories.
This story is a one shot story, maybe two shot, depending on what you guys think, that starts from that horrible scene where Piper tells Alex that she choose Larry in the library, and goes on and on and on through the years after, until Piper leaves prison. The story is from both Piper and Alex's POV, and changes back and forth over each little scene. I basically slammed this out in a seven hour writing session, and certain parts might be a bit rushed, since I wanted to post it before I left tomorrow, but hopefully there aren't too many mistakes.
Enjoy!
The Road Less Traveled
"Everyone thinks the poem means to break away from the crowd and do your own thing, but if you read it, Frost is very clear that the two roads are exactly the same. He just chooses one at random. And then it's only later at a dinner party when he's talking about it that he tells everyone he chose the road less traveled by, but he's lying. So the point of the poem is that everyone wants to look back and think that their choices matter. But in reality, shit just happens the way that it happens, and it doesn't matter." - Piper Chapman.
The choice was easier than it should have been; to take the safe and quiet path that would lead me to security, or to continue wandering along the scary, dark trail through the forest, where possible adventure awaited me with every step that I took.
I chose the safe and quiet path, as any sane person would in my complicated situation. Larry was kind and funny, and he would always be there for me, while Alex was unpredictable at the best of times, and always put herself first. It wasn't as if Alex didn't have any good qualities or that she had never been there for me when I needed her, because she had been, but she was also the one who constantly threw me head first into danger when it suited her purpose, and while a life with Alex would be thrilling, I'd spend my days in fear.
The choice was easy; it was explaining my decision to Alex that was hard, which is why I hid in the library, behind a stack of books and waited for her to come find me instead of seeking her out myself. Cowardice wasn't new to me, but it still stung to know that I hadn't changed as much as I thought I had since I left Alex all those years ago in Paris.
I wasn't surprised when she finally found me, and I kept my face neutral as she sauntered through the library doors with a casually amused expression, though her eyes told me that she knew. She knew, even as her eyes scanned the spine of the book I was studying with feigned indifference; and she turned a blind eye to it, as if it would postpone the inevitable car crash that was my impending rejection.
"Well, if it isn't the invisible woman," Alex's smile was as false as the light tone of her voice, and I forced myself to maintain a neutral expression, even as I felt my heart begin to crack in my chest. "One intense talk about the future and you disappear on me. Not a shocker, but I had gotten my hopes up."
It was true, I could see it written all over her face; the spark of hope in her gray eyes and lingering trust that I didn't deserve, especially when I was about to shatter it all with a few words.
"I'm getting married."
"You've been getting married since before you got here. This is not news." Alex light toned faded at my words, revealing that tiny bit of jealousy that she always tried to hide when our conversations turned to my fiancé. I could practically see the walls being built in her mind as she decoded the meaning behind my words, though a tiny bit of hope remained, as if she wanted to believe I wasn't about to smash her heart into a million pieces. "Say what you really mean."
"I pick him. I pick Larry." And there it was; those six words that would crumble the already flaky foundation of trust that we had set since reuniting in prison. As soon as the words were out of my mouth, Alex's guard went completely up, and the hope in her eyes dissolved into resignation, as if she had expected this all along, which of course she had.
"Of course you do."
A part of me wanted Alex to fight for me, to tell me that she loved me, but I knew that the chances of that happening were as slim as Mr. Healy marching in the next Mardi Gras parade. Alex loved a good game of cat and mouse, but she never handled any sort of rejection well, and my choosing Larry was going to be a blow to her ego, which was something that Alex couldn't tolerate, even if she wanted to.
"I love you, too," I couldn't stop myself from saying the words, one last time. "But we both know that I don't have the balls to free fall through life with you."
"No, you don't."
There was a momentary silence as we just stared at one another, both us knowing that this was the end, and there was no coming back from this. I felt as if I was going to start crying, but that wouldn't be fair to Alex, so I held the tears back and suffered the burning sensation as they built up behind my eyes.
"At least I made a decision, right?" I attempted to lighten the conversation, hating the coldness and lack of emotion in Alex's eyes as she gazed back at me. "Aren't you proud of me?"
The dark haired woman scoffed at my words, and I knew what was coming next was going to hurt, but I also knew that I deserved it and steeled myself for the impact.
"Piper," Alex shook her head in disbelief, chuckling mirthlessly before her lips straightened into a thin, grim line. "Fuck you."
"Alex..."
"Listen," Alex cut me off, leaning back in her chair as she stared at me with icy, detached eyes. "Yes, you have made a decision, so, here's what it means going forward. You may not come running to me again. Not with your problems, not with your love, not with your need or sadness or anger, or even your laundry when it's not specifically your laundry day. You may never come to me again, ever."
I watched as she slid gracefully out of her chair, before striding out of the room with her head held high, and it wasn't until she was gone that I finally let the tears fall, hiding my face in my hands and ignoring the stares from the other inmates as I sobbed quietly.
/
When I saw Piper striding through the White Suburbia dorms with determination later in the day, I knew that she was here to fight or to fuck. Her hands were clenched, and her jaw was rigid, and she was either going to start throwing words around like punches or she was going to drop to her knees and beg for my forgiveness, but I was in no mood to tolerate either.
"Alex."
I stared at her with angry disbelief as she stopped outside my cubicle, forgetting Nicky who sat beside me with her usual smirk gracing her face. "Are you kidding me? Get out."
I watched emotionlessly as her face began to crumble, wounded and shattered; unused to hearing this tone in my voice directed at her. My temper suddenly boiled, because she had made her choice, and she had no right to came barging back in here, even if it was to apologize. I'd offered her what remained of my bruised and battered heart, placed my trust in her unreliable hands, and she'd thrown it all back in my face.
"Alex..." She looked lost and hurt, and a treacherous part of me wanted to forget about the past and to pull her into my arms, but my pride held me back. She'd made her choice, I reminded myself firmly, and she knew the consequences of her actions.
You may not come running to me again.
"Get out. No fucking way," I glared at her, ignoring her wounded expression and the tears that I could see welling in her normally blue eyes, which looked more overcast gray at the moment. "Get out."
"You heard the lady," Nicky added, quite unnecessarily, because defeat was already written all over Piper's face, and she'd already taken a step away from my bunk. I watched emotionlessly as Piper turned her head away, looking sad and beaten, and I silently wondered what had happened to bring out this rare side of the WASPy blonde. I watched her as she left, her hand sliding along the wall of my cube, as if holding on for support until she was gone and out the door. Only then did I finally look away, staring down at my clenched hands in my lap, as I fought the urge to run out of the block and after Piper.
"Fuck," I murmured, reaching up to push my glasses on top of my head, feeling completely emotionally exhausted. Nicky rested her hand on my back in sympathy, giving me a gentle pat, with no sexual intentions involved in the gesture for which I was sincerely grateful. I had needed the release that Nicky had given me only moments before Piper showed up, but I needed her friendship more in this fucked up place.
"You did good," Nicky said softly, her customary sarcasm and humor missing from her voice as she rubbed my back. "It's all gonna be alright, Vause."
I wanted to believe her, but I couldn't ignore the feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach as I remembered the defeated, almost frightened look on Piper's face as she walked away.
/
I remember nothing but brief flashes of the past twenty four hours, and I feel nothing except for a dull ache from my bandaged hand where Tiffany had sliced me with her sharpened cross in the yard. Flickers of memories pass through my head as I sit on the cold concrete floor of my new home; the sorrow in Larry's voice as he hung up the phone and the anger and hurt in Alex's eyes as she sent me away. I remembered the lump that swelled in my throat at the Christmas Musical, and the blessedly cool air that filled my lungs as I pushed open the door that led into the snow covered yard. I remembered Tiffany's pale face as she followed me from the chapel and the brief glimpses of her black and broken teeth as she spoke to me.
"You ain't worthy of God's love, you ain't worthy of nobody's love!"
I remembered the white hot pain in my hand as she cut me, and the sick halo of blood that surrounded her head as I pummeled my fists into her face, over and over again. I remembered Bennett's strong arms as he pulled from Tiffany's broken body and Fischer's horrified eyes as I was dragged past her. Healy had watched from the doorway, smug and silent as I was thrown bodily into the van that led me here, and everything after that was just a blur.
I remember being pushed harshly into my new home, scraping my hands and knees on the concrete floor as the door was slammed closed behind me with an echoing finality. The screams of my neighbors bounced off the walls and the inside of my skull, and as I sat curled up against the door, I added the beat to their lyrics, by smashing my head against the metal door until my vision tunneled and everything went black.
What have I done? What have I done? What have I done?
/
It was January 24th, and Piper had been in the SHU for an entire month; by now probably clawing at the walls and ripping out chunks of her pretty blonde hair. I sat in the yard, underneath the tree that Piper had been known to frequent on work free days, with a book and a weak cup of instant coffee. Around the other inmates, I acted completely emotionless about the most recent prison drama, but inside, I was a complete and utter wreck. It was hard to stay pissed off at Piper, especially when she wasn't even around to remind me why I was angry in the first place. I couldn't get the image of Piper out of my head, as she was dragged through the halls of Litchfield with blood dripping from her hands and her eyes cold and empty.
It couldn't be Piper; I had attempted to convince myself as I watched Bennett and Pornstache carry her past, her limp hair falling around her face, hiding the splatters of blood and those dead eyes. The woman was unrecognizable to me, not the same person that I'd spent three years of my life with, who I had loved and fucked, and seen every part of. This was not Piper, I was sure of it.
Tiffany had come next, with her already ugly face in complete ruins, though most of the wounds had been superficial. Fifty seven stitches, a broken nose and a pair of new teeth, and Doggett was as good as new; an improvement even, Nicky had cracked at dinner, after Tiffany had returned from hospital, flashing her new pearly white dentures.
I had wanted nothing more than to smash my dinner tray into her face and break every single one of her new teeth when she started preaching in the REC room the next day, claiming that God had punished the wicked through her, and that the she devil, Chapman, would hopefully perish in SHU and then burn in Hell for her sins. Instead, I had ripped the scrabble board in half, much to Nicky and Morello's horror, before storming from the room.
Two hours later, I had cried alone in my bunk, sticking the board back together with the same tape that I'd once used to fix my glasses.
Sighing softly, I leant my head back against the tree and closed my eyes, trying to catch a flicker of Piper's presence, as if sitting in this spot where she had spent so much time would somehow create the same feeling as lying beside her, but it was futile. Piper was long gone, and any piece of her that had been left behind, like her scent on my pillow, had already faded away.
/
Had it been weeks, months or years since I'd been here, rotting away on this concrete slab that they called a bed? My days consisted mostly of staring sightlessly at the thick metal door, hoping and praying that it was shower day; wanting the tight grip of the SHU guard's thick fingers wrapped around my bicep as he dragged me to the shower, where I would shiver underneath the freezing cold water while I attempted to wash with one hand, as the other was cuffed to the metal piping. But if my calculations were correct, I'd only received six trays since my last shower day, therefore I would have to wait for another six more trays until I felt the welcome touch of another human being.
I tried to remember what it felt like to be touched by Larry, to feel his large hands roaming over my body, but I honestly couldn't. I could barely remember what Larry looked like, let alone the way it felt to have his arms surround me in a hug. I didn't even try and think about Alex or her soft hands as they cradled my face, or the press of her lips on mine. Alex Vause had been wiped from my memory, or at least, that's what I liked to believe. Whenever thoughts of dark hair or gray eyes entered my thoughts, I'd start a set of sit ups, until my stomach hurt so badly that it was all I could think of, or I'd bang my hand, with the faded white scar across the palm, against the concrete floor until it ached and ached and my mind went blank.
It was what she wanted, and after everything I had put her through, it was the least I could do.
A tray slipped through the slot in the heavy metal door, dropping to crash on the ground before I could even reach for it, and I attempted to smile at the thought of food, but it came out more like a grimace. I leant forward and pulled the tray across the floor towards me, studying the rock hard slab of moldy something; that I was sure would break my teeth if I tried to eat it. I sighed and dropped the tray at my side, another waste of calories that I so desperately needed.
I wondered how much longer they would keep me here, and tried to remember what Caputo had said, the one time that he had visited me shortly after my imprisonment in solitary.
Tiffany's alive, the words had echoed in my skull, bouncing back and forth, causing me to miss most of what the bald man had said next. I had felt both overwhelming relief and severe disappointment at those words, though I hadn't felt regret over my actions, since I had been fighting for my life, but it had still been the early days then.
Self-defense, extra time, the words had been meaningless to me, going in one ear and out the other. Sixteen months added. Your mother is kicking up a stink.
That had finally caused me to chuckle, and I had still been snickering even as Caputo slammed the door closed behind him, his eyes wary and concerned as he stared at the unrecognizable woman cackling on the floor, setting off a chain of maniacal laughter throughout the cells of SHU, as my neighbors joined me in my mirth, which only made me laugh harder.
It hadn't really been funny and the smile was gone now, and had been for weeks, as I returned to counting trays and dreaming of dark hair and pale skin, and hands that made me feel something.
/
It had been six months since Piper was thrown in the SHU and while the world kept spinning and life went on, I never forgot that the woman I loved was rotting in a cold cell somewhere underground. Her things were packed up in a cardboard box, hidden beneath the surprisingly loyal Taystee's bed, though on Piper's bunk an elderly African woman that didn't speak any English now slept. I wandered past every day, hardly earning a glance from the Ghetto girls anymore, like a ghost that was held to the earth by some unfinished task that I just couldn't let go of. I always expected to see her, even as my mind reminded me every single fucking day that Piper was long gone, and probably no longer the woman that I had once known. I remembered the dead, empty look in her eyes when I saw her last, and wondered everyday if I could have possibly prevented all of this. If I had just pushed away my pride and ego, could I have been there for Piper when she had needed me most?
But such thoughts were pointless, and I always shook them off, because there was no way I could have known that this would happen. I knew that Piper had a temper, but how could I have known of the beast that Piper had kept hidden inside? But I was supposed to know her, all of her, and I still felt as if I'd let her down in some way.
I should have been there, I thought for the hundredth time as I walked by Piper's old cube, once again expecting to see her beautiful blonde hair, and those vibrant blue eyes that always sparkled when they turned my way, but again, I was disappointed as I was greeted with the elderly woman's suspicious face.
I returned Taystee's solemn nod, and waved halfheartedly at Poussey and Watson, who were playing cards on the floor of their cubicle. I decided to go for a walk, and begun aimlessly wandering through the Litchfield hallways and corridors, which would eventually lead me to the doors that led outside. As I was walking past the visitation room, a door swung open, and before I could stop, I plowed straight into the woman that had stumbled into the hallway. I caught her before she could topple over, gripping thin, bony arms and almost fell over myself when two surprisingly strong hands slammed into my chest and sent me flying into the wall.
"What the fuck?" I wheezed, leaning over and coughing, as I felt like a sledge hammer had slammed me in the chest. I looked up and caught a glimpse of long, dead blonde hair and pale, pale eyes before the woman spun on her heel and strode away, somewhat shakily, her bright orange uniform hanging off her horribly thin body.
"Piper?" I whispered, rubbing my sore chest as the walking corpse turned around a corner and disappeared from my sight.
/
By the time I was returned to the prison, more than half of my original sentence was complete, leaving me with twenty one months of time to endure behind bars. I was convinced that I'd spend the last two years on my own, keeping my head down and staying away from the other prisoners and it was easy for the first week. Not one single person spoke to me, and I wasn't disturbed as I sat at my table alone during meal times, never touching the food on my plate. I was assigned janitorial night duty, and spent my days sleeping while my nights were spent mopping the disgusting bathrooms, trying my best not to step on the clean.
It wasn't until my second week back that I was finally bothered, hunched over my tray and counting the gray peas that were scattered over the discolored beef tips that I had absolutely no interest in eating. I heard the plastic tray scrape against the table as someone sat down beside me, and with infinitely slow movements, I raised my head to stare at Susanne, who gazed back at me with a closed lipped smile. In silence, she began to eat her food and after spending several minutes just watching her, feeling the heat as it radiated off her body, I finally turned back to my meal and began to once again count the peas.
After that, day by day, new members invited themselves over to our table; Sophia and Taystee, the next day, and then Poussey the day after that, until every chair was filled by the end of the week. They went about their normal conversations, sometimes including me into their discussions, but usually pretending as if I wasn't even there. I never added my input, and choose to just listen instead, slowly familiarizing myself with these people that I hardly remembered and taking comfort from the fact that I was no longer alone, even if being alone was exactly what I desired these days.
On my third week back, I was touched for the second time since my return from SHU, so softly that I hardly even reacted at first. It was lunch time, and I started as I felt gentle fingers comb through my hair, before turning carefully to face Sophia, who was sitting beside me. She pursed her full lips, her expression sympathetic as she stared back at me, and I felt a tremor run through my entire body and goose bumps form on my skin, as her fingers brushed away the hair from my cheek, her hand so close that I could feel the heat radiating from her skin. It took everything in me not to jerk away, but I craved the touch so badly that I forced myself to sit still.
"We're gonna have to do something about this, baby," Sophia frowned as she rubbed my hair between her fingers, before flashing me a smile. "Come by my salon before dinner, and I'll fix you right up, free of charge."
I nodded shakily, and two hours before dinner, I stood outside the open door that led into Sophia's little hair salon. I was greeted with a warm smile, and was enormously grateful that we were alone as she guided me into a chair and ran her gentle fingers through my hair, gently scratching my scalp with her fingernails. I felt tears well up in my eyes at the touch, though once again I had to resist the strong, almost overwhelming urge to bolt.
"Honey, there's only one way we can fix this and I don't think you're gonna like it," Sophia pursed her lips as she carefully sorted through my ruined hair, before her dark eyes met mine in the mirror. She bunched up the long strands in one hand, which now reached half way down my back, and showed me the dead, lifeless strands. I sighed sadly, the first sound that I had made with my knowledge since I'd been back and finally nodded, watching quietly as Sophia picked up a pair of scissors and strands of hair started to fall around my feet like dirty blonde feathers.
/
No one was entirely sure of what to make of Piper, who wandered the halls like a zombie, and sat at meals alone in silence, her head often resting in her tiny, frail hands as she stared down at her tray. It had taken almost the entire day of her return from the SHU for people to actually realize that this new inmate was indeed, Piper fucking Chapman, who had left Litchfield a badass, female Mike Tyson, and had returned a broken, empty shell of the woman that she'd once been. She avoided touch like the plague, and no one had even attempted conversation with the blonde, knowing that their words would fall on deaf ears.
Her stringy, dead blonde locks, that had once been so soft, almost always covered her gaunt face, hiding those hollow and haunted blue eyes. She was so thin that I worried when I saw her go outside, scared that the slightest breeze would send her flying away, but then I remembered the strength of her hands when she had pushed me, and I knew that the body beneath those ugly orange khakis was more than just skin and bones. The new inmates were terrified of her, while the rest of us were wary, though everything changed the day that Crazy Eyes took the seat beside Piper at her empty table, and the entire room seemed to hold its breath.
But nothing had happened; Piper had looked up from her tray for a moment to stare at the eccentric inmate, before turning back to stare silently her food. I had watched with surprise as Piper even almost seemed to lean into Suzanne, as if secretly craving her presence. After that, Piper was never alone at meals, though she never spoke to any of her table mates either. The B Dorm had taken it upon themselves to slowly attempt to pull Piper from her shell, and every day, a new inmate was added to her once solitary table, until she was surrounded by the entire Ghetto dorm at every meal.
No one was more shocked than I when during her third week back, Piper walked into the cafeteria for dinner and her hair was just gone. Not completely, but it was shorter than I'd ever seen it; the short blonde strands fell into her blue eyes, and she ran her fingers through her hair self-consciously when the Ghetto table started hollering and grinding their hips in Piper's direction the second they noticed her.
"Holy shit," Nicky chuckled from her seat beside me, her eyes locked on Piper who was almost smiling for the first time since she'd gotten back from SHU. "Chapman's turned into a full blown dyke!"
"She looks hot!" Big Boo was practically drooling from the other side of the table, though she paused for a moment to stick her fingers in her mouth and wolf whistle at Piper. I fought the urge to lean across the table and smack the goofy look from her face with my tray, and Nicky's fingers wrapped around my wrist, staying my hand.
"She's too thin," I spoke the words emotionlessly as I picked at the food on my plate, but Boo was not to be deterred.
"Yeah, in a British model kind of way," Boo scoffed, as the guards finally managed to return the room to a semblance of peace. "But without the huge fucking gap in her teeth."
"Shut up, man," Nicky glared at Boo, and finally the woman held up her hands in surrender and turned back to her corn. I couldn't help but glance once more at Piper, who was now in her usual seat between Susanne and Sophia, though instead of staring at her tray, this time she seemed almost interested in the conversation around her, even if she wasn't adding to it.
Her hair did look hot, I admitted silently to myself, as I watched Piper absentmindedly run her fingers through the short locks, pushing them away from her face. And not for the first time since Piper had been thrown into SHU all those months ago, I wished things could have gone differently.
/
I dreamt of pale hands roaming over my naked chest, as soft lips pressed open mouthed kisses along my collarbone and neck. Dark hair was bunched between my clenched fists, as I pulled myself closer and closer to the warm body sliding against my own. A groan escaped my lips, followed by a breathy moan as sharp teeth gently bit down on my neck, before a warm tongue soothed the indented skin. And when my lover pulled away, I was greeted by a pair of sparkling gray eyes and smirking red lips, but all too soon, those eyes turned angry and the smile twisted into a sneer as Alex opened her mouth to speak.
"You may not come running to me again, not with your problems, not with your love, not with your need or sadness or anger. You may never come to me again, ever." Her eyes were flashing, and her face was a mask of anger as she rolled away from me, leaving me cold and exposed. "Get out."
I left the warmth of the bed and Alex's embrace and ran out of the room, to find myself back at Litchfield, with the snow crunching beneath my feet as I walked across the yard. I heard the door open behind me and spun around to face Tiffany in her beautiful white dress, squinting against the light that seemed to glow from her pale skin.
"You think I'm scared of you? Do you?" Tiffany asked mockingly, her shiny new teeth sparkling with each word that she spoke. "I'm not scared of you, 'cause I got God by my side, and he told me that you ain't worth nothing. God loves me, he don't love you.
'Cause you ain't worthy of God's love, you ain't worthy of nobody's love."
And then before I knew it, I was on top of her, smashing my knuckles repeatedly into her face and breaking all those beautiful white teeth. And with each punch, the person underneath me changed, from Tiffany with her white dress, stained with blood, to Mr. Healy, with his cold, smug smile, beaten and bloody beneath my fists. Healy morphed into Larry, whose eyes were wet with tears as he kept repeating the same words over and over.
"Do you love her? Do you love her? You ain't worthy of nobody's love."
Larry's short, curly hair darkened to black, and grew until it fell over pale shoulders in long waves. His brown eyes were suddenly gray and sparkling with laughter and then it was Alex beneath me, her hands on my hips and her lips tipped with an amused smirk.
"That tempers going to be the death of you, kid."
My muscles were burning with exhaustion, but I couldn't stop, even when it was my own blue eyes looking back up at me.
"You ain't worthy of nobody's love." My clone whispered to me mockingly, long blonde hair splayed out in the snow and blue eyes twinkling. "So, I think that it's time you die."
I woke up with a choked yell, my fingers clenching the bed sheets, as I gasped for breath. I stared at my hands, lacking the blood from my dreams as I clenched them into fists before I ran my fingers through my sweat soaked hair.
"Fuck," It was the first word that I had spoken since being released from the SHU, four weeks ago, and my voice was hoarse and raspy from months of disuse. A sharp inhale of breath caused me to turn my head sharply, and I found myself staring at Nicky's surprised face. She was crouching beside my bunk in the dorms, her tool belt strapped to her waist and a smirk tipping the corner of her mouth.
"The zombie speaks," Nicky let out a soft, surprised chuckle, before pointing up towards the roof. "One of the newbies told me that your light broke, so I'm here to change it."
I watched in silence as Nicky dragged in her ladder from the hall, before climbing up to change the light. Without any of my usual modesty, I pulled off my saturated t-shirt and changed into a clean pair of khaki's, and was pulling on my boots when Nicky finally started to pack up her things.
"Here," Nicky pulled a chocolate bar from her pocket and threw it towards me, almost smacking me in the face. "If you won't eat the shit they're serving in the cafeteria, maybe you'll eat that. I won it from Vause in a game of scrabble; that chick is an excellent poker player, but she's shit when it comes to scrabble. Get some meat on those bones, Blondie; you need a hot body to go with that new hairdo."
I turned the Snickers bar over in my hands, before looking up at Nicky who was almost at the door, not expecting me to reply. "Thanks."
I don't know who was more surprised, her or me but Nicky smiled and nodded her head in acknowledgement, before leaving the room as I unwrapped the chocolate bar and took a bite, savoring the sweet taste, even as my stomach gurgled in complaint.
/
It was months before I finally found myself alone in a room with Piper, who was starting to look more and more like herself every day. In the last two months, Piper had finally started to pick at her food again at meal times, and slowly begun to gain some weight. She was now the interest of every lesbian and bi sexual in the prison, her biggest fan being Big Boo, who attempted to strike up conversation with the silent woman every chance she got, though she was always ignored. The only person that Piper was ever seen talking to was Suzanne or Sophia, out in the yard, where they would sit beneath her tree and play cards or read in companionable silence.
It was late when Piper wandered into the laundry room, where I was sorting through the bags of dirty clothes that would have to be washed tomorrow. She didn't once look up from the floor and I took a moment to study her, admitting silently that I still felt an immense amount of attraction to this woman, if not more so now that I couldn't have her. Her body was toned now, with muscles ripping on her forearms, instead of just being pleasingly thin as she had been when I'd first met her, and her face had acquired an angularness that would make most supermodels jealous. There were still dark bags under her eyes, but the tan that she'd built up after spending the last few months outside looked good on her, and the sun had bleached her short hair until it was almost platinum.
She looked better than hot, I thought to myself with a sigh as Piper held out her arm, with her laundry bag clenched firmly in her hand. She looked fucking amazing.
I reached out slowly to take the bag, but it took more than a minute until Piper finally relinquished her hold, before suddenly spinning on her heel and turning to leave.
"Wait!" I called to her, when Piper was already half way to the door, leaning down to quickly scribble on the tag before holding it out to her. "You'll need this to pick it up."
Piper slowly made her way back to the table, her steps cautious as she hesitantly reached out to take the ticket. Her fingers brushed mine as she was taking it, and she pulled the limb away as if burned, glaring at her hand as if it had betrayed her in some way. Her eyes lifted uncertainly to meet mine, and while a small part of me was still angry at her, I couldn't help but smile to see the light that had slowly begun to return to her eyes.
This was almost a Piper that I recognized.
"It's my laundry day," Piper's voice was hoarse and raspy, and almost defensive as she stared back at me and I was confused, until I remembered the words I had spoken to Piper on that fateful day so long ago.
You may never come to me again, ever. The words rang in my head like some fucked up mantra, and I cringed, almost wishing that I could take them back, but I couldn't. I must be cursed, I thought to myself with a sigh, since everything I had said to Piper since seeing her again in prison had come back to bite me in the ass at some point or other.
If only I had been honest with her in the first place, things might have been different.
"I know," I murmured, gazing into her eyes until Piper finally turned away and left the room, leaving nothing behind but her laundry bag to show that she'd ever been there at all. I stared at the bag in my hands before slowly opening it and pulling out one of the beige khaki shirts, lifting it to my face and breathing in the scent that was infinitely Piper. I sighed at my pathetic state after a moment and shoved the shirt back into its bag, before throwing it into the pile that would be washed tomorrow.
/
Every day I saw her, and every day, it only got harder and harder to keep my promise to stay away. After our short but intense meeting in the laundry room, it was like Alex was everywhere, standing behind me in the line for the showers and in the bathroom at two in the morning with her roll of toilet paper as I mopped the floor. Every time I entered the REC room, she was there, playing scrabble or watching TV, and when I went outside to run or to sit beneath my tree and read, I'd see her on the other side of the yard, sometimes with Nicky and sometimes alone, but always glancing in my direction when she thought that I wasn't looking.
It only got worse when six months after being released from SHU, they finally found me an empty bed, in the White Suburbia dorm. The Ghetto girls had almost caused a riot when they found out, claiming me as one of their own and arguing with Caputo and the CO's, but it was no use. I was guided to my new bunk by O'Neil, with Sophia and Taystee watching angrily from the door, and was greeted in my new bunk by Nicky's smirking face. I almost smiled back, until I realized that Nicky's cube was right next door to Alex's, and it was at that exact moment that the dark haired woman stuck her head over the side of the cube wall, her glasses perched on top of her perfect head.
Fucker, I glared at O'Neil as he gave me a sympathetic pat on the back before gently shoving me into the cubicle. I dropped my box of things on my desk, refusing to turn around and look at the two women that I could feel burning holes into my back.
"You could at least act happy to see me, Chapman," Nicky spoke from her spot on her bed behind me, amusement lacing her voice. "I know you're still not big on talkin' these days, but it could always be worse. Boo was practically begging to have you bunked with her, and you know that she wants to eat that pussy of yours."
I grimaced at Nicky's words, well aware of Boo's new found interest in me since I'd returned from SHU, but I'd honestly rather be placed with her, on the other side of the dorm, than in this cube with Nicky. I left my box unpacked on the desk and strode out of the cube in silence, unable to stand there any longer, and as I was leaving, I heard Nicky's voice raised in disbelief.
"Seriously? Should I be offended or something?"
"No," A very familiar voice rasped quietly in response, followed by an almost mournful sigh. "Don't worry, It's not you, Nicky."
/
I wasn't angry anymore, which made things harder, because having Piper so close, and yet still out of reach was slowly but surely killing me. During the day it was easier, since the blonde spent the morning sleeping, and I usually didn't see her until lunch. It got harder as they day went on, when I'd randomly bump into her in the library, or when she'd come to the laundry with her bag of dirty clothes. She never spoke to me, or even offered me a smile, but over time we learned to co-exist with each other, since the prison was a big place and there were plenty of other people to talk to, though Piper still didn't talk much, even a year and a half after being released from the SHU.
It was the hardest in the early hours before dawn, when sometimes I'd find myself needing to go to the bathroom, and I'd almost literally run into her and her mop and bucket as she cleaned the dirty floors. I think she thought that I did it on purpose, if the look in her eyes as I made my way past her and into the stalls was any indication, but I couldn't be blamed for my sometimes weak and persistent bladder. Having her in the cubicle next to mine didn't help matters either, as I often woke in the morning to hear her whimpering as she fought the demons that haunted her in her dreams. I would watch over the wall that separated us as Nicky took the risky chance of waking the blonde, sometimes having to hop backwards to avoid a swinging fist. Other nights, I could hear them speaking quietly, their words almost always inaudible as Nicky would sit on the edge of Piper's bed and lean close to hear her quiet words.
I envied my friend on those days, and almost always felt bad about it afterwards, but I felt as if it should be me comforting Piper, stroking her hair and talking in whispers about the horrible things that she had experienced. I knew that Nicky could probably relate to Piper better than I ever could, but it didn't stop me from wanting to try, but before I knew it, I had run out of time.
Time passed slowly in prison, but it was all too soon when Piper's final days behind bars were upon us. Two days before Piper was due to leave, I watched from the REC room doorway as the girls from the Ghetto and White Suburbia and even a few of the Spanish mami's, decorated signs and a giant card, which almost everyone in the prison had signed. The room was a mass of buzzing excitement, as people brought in food and drinks from commissary; women who had never even spoken to Piper before, but knew of what she had been through and were genuinely happy that she was getting out of this shit hole.
"Hey Vause," Nicky called to me from one of the tables, and I was reminded again that it would only be a couple of months before Nicky would be having her own goodbye party. "Come over here and sign this."
I wandered over to Nicky's table, taking the pen that was offered to me and glancing at the giant card that took over half of the desk. I wondered how Piper would feel about me writing in her goodbye card, since she hadn't even so much as looked at me since that fateful day in the laundry room but I leant over the card and scribbled a message anyway.
Stay away from attractive strangers in bars, especially the smart mouthed, arrogant type that you like so much.
Your friendly neighborhood heroin importer,
Alex
xo.
Nicky merely raised her eyebrow after she read the short message and shruggged her shoulders, since she knew better than to try and ask me about it. It was barely thirty seconds later when Taystee and Poussey came bursting into the room, yelling at everyone to get into their positions as Piper was on her way in from the yard.
I quietly made my way over to the microwave, pouring myself a cup full of the punch that Norma had made for the occasion as I waited for Piper to make her entrance. The room burst into shouts and cheers the second that the blonde walked through the door, and I stifled a laugh at her deer caught in headlights expression which quickly melted into happy surprise as Piper ran her fingers through her recently trimmed short hair. She looked beautiful as she accepted the hugs from her friends and well-wishers, something that would have sent her bolting for the door a year ago. I was honest happy that she was getting out, but I felt a little sad too, knowing that I would probably never see her again once she left.
"Vause!" Big Boo called my name from across the room. "Turn on the music and let's get this party started!"
I was still watching Piper, whose head turned in my direction as Boo's words, the surprise evident on her face as she noted my presence. I smirked to myself, before turning to the old CD player and pressing play, more shocked than anyone when Kelis started blasting from the speakers, bringing back a wave of memories.
"My milkshake brings all the boys to yard,
And they're like, it's better than yours,
Damn right, it's better than yours,
I can teach you, but I have to charge."
I stifled an incredulous laugh, before quickly changing the song, to the dismay of the Ghetto girls, and was satisfied when the beat of a track I didn't recognize started playing. I turned around to face the room and found Piper in the midst of a bunch of dancing women, grinding and laughing, with Piper smiling in the center, her short hair flying around her face as she danced.
Nicky was suddenly at my side, watching with amusement as Big Boo made her final attempt to woo Piper, grinding up against her, much to the blonde's obvious disgust. We both chuckled as Piper turned away, to be pulled in between Crazy Eyes and Taystee, who had her shrieking with laughter in moments, looking happier than I've seen her in years.
"You gonna man up and talk to her?" Nicky finally spoke to me, raising her voice over the music, but not loud enough for anyone else to hear. I threw her a sharp look, but deflated at her raised eyebrow and shook my head in response.
"If she wanted to talk to me, she would have by now," I said softly, feeling a reluctant smile pull at my lips as Piper was dragged around the room by Suzanne, in a strange sort of waltz/tango. "She wants nothing to do with me, Nicky."
"Well, you basically told her to fuck off," Nicky reminded me with a shrug. "Maybe she's waiting for you to talk to her first, if that's what you want, you big pussy."
I wasn't sure what I wanted, I admitted to myself as I watched Crazy Eyes dip Piper, which was a kind of remarkable feat, given that Piper was almost a foot taller than her and all muscle these days. I didn't try to deny to myself that I missed Piper, and Nicky knew it, but did I want the blonde back in my life, with all her baggage and complications? Piper Chapman was seriously fucked up and everyone knew it, even if they didn't acknowledge it, especially since she had returned from SHU. Her continued silence and discomfort with human touch, almost two years after being released from solitary, proved that Piper had left the SHU with even more issues than she'd entered with.
I knew that time healed all wounds, as it had when Piper had left me the first time in Paris, and again when she had chosen Larry, more than two years ago, and I knew that eventually, time would heal the cuts that the SHU had left on Piper's soul, but I wondered if she'd ever be the same woman she was before she beat Tiffany's face into the snow. I sometimes wondered if the woman that I had loved still existed, buried deep within Piper's brain, waiting to be set free or if she had died in solitary.
I wondered if I'd ever get the chance to find out.
/
It was my last day in prison and I woke up smiling as I remembered the goodbye party in the REC room the day before. I felt immeasurably grateful to the friends I'd made in Litchfield, who had supported me in the hardest time of my life, especially the women from the Ghetto, who had slowly but surely helped me reacquaint myself with civilization and taught me how to function as an almost normal human being. It was still hard on most days, when someone would touch me unexpectedly and I'd have to fight the urge to hit them or run away. I was also slowly getting better at maintaining a conversation, though only one on one, with Sophia and sometimes Nicky, in the almost privacy of our cube and Polly, when she came to visit every other Saturday.
As I sat up in bed, I noticed that Nicky had already left, most probably to go to the cafeteria before work, but I caught a glimpse of Alex over the short wall that separated us, changing her shirt. It wasn't the first time that I'd seen her change since I'd been moved to White Suburbia, but it was the first time that I didn't immediately look away and instead let my eyes roam over her body for the first time in over two years. Her stomach was still flat and toned, and the pale skin covering her full breasts looked as soft as ever, practically begging to be touched and caressed by my hands, as I did in my dreams almost every night. I must have stared for a moment too long, because when I finally blinked, Alex had finished pulling her shirt over her head and was staring back at me with an amused smirk.
"Like what you see?" Her voice was deep and throaty, with a familiar trace of desire lacing her words that raised goose bumps on the back of my neck. I had heard her voice many times over the past few years, in the cafeteria, the bathrooms, and the yard and in the REC room, but this was the first time that her words had been directed towards me since we last spoke briefly in the laundry room.
"S-sorry," My voice had acquired its own permanent deep and hoarse quality, from its lack of use over the years, the prison nurse had explained in one of my checkups. "I didn't mean..."
My words trailed off and a blush heated my cheeks as I looked down at my hands and I was surprised when Alex chuckled, causing me to look up as she made her way out of her cube to lean against the entrance of my own.
"It's nothing you haven't seen before, kid," Alex shrugged her shoulders nonchalantly, readjusting her glasses on her nose as she gazed at me with a small smile. "Last day today, huh? Excited?"
I shrugged my shoulders, unsure of what to say as I gazed back at the dark haired woman, my hands twisting together in my lap. As far as I knew, Alex wanted nothing to do with me, and I wasn't supposed to come to her with my problems, or love, or need, or my sadness and I was sure that it meant I couldn't come to her with my excitement either, if excitement was what I was feeling. But here she was, standing in the doorway to my cube, speaking to me as if no harsh words had ever been spoken between us, and I'd never broken her heart and she'd never turned me away when I needed her most.
I had no idea what it meant, but it was my last day and I'd probably never see Alex again, so I wasn't about to waste the opportunity to say goodbye if Alex was offering the olive branch.
"I guess so," I finally spoke, running my fingers through my short hair in an attempt to order it. "Polly promised to take me somewhere nice for dinner, so I'm excited for real food, at least."
"Polly's picking you up?" Alex asked, and I could hear the silent question in her words. Not Larry? And I simply shook my head in response. Larry had tried to get in contact with me several times since I'd come back from solitary, but I had him removed from visitation only weeks after my return and each letter he sent since had been discarded in the bin, unopened.
"Well," Alex's smile was a little more open at this information, even as she stepped away from the entrance of my cubicle. "Next time you grab a pizza; have a slice for me, okay?"
"All right," I smiled, watching as Alex turned and walked away and wishing that she had stayed, so I could ask her all the questions that were swirling around in my brain. But maybe it was better this way, I thought to myself, even as Officer Bell handed me the clothes that I'd entered Litchfield in. Maybe now Alex and I could both let go of the past and move on with our lives, where our relationship was just a tiny, insignificant spot in our memories, instead of something inevitable.
Even as I thought the words, I doubted them, and my doubt was only reinforced as I embraced Polly tearfully outside Litchfield's gates, and managed to catch a glimpse of Alex's face over her shoulder in one of the wire covered prison windows, staring back at me almost forlornly.
It never mattered what road I chose to take,I thought to myself, raising my hand to wave goodbye behind Polly's back and smiling sadly as Alex raised her hand in response, before her fingers curled around the wire covering the window, squeezing it and my heart simultaneously. Because I was sure that every road that I walked would lead me back to the same place, whether I took a safe and quiet path, or a scary, dark trail through a forest.
I could try to deny it until my last breath, but I knew the path that I was on would always eventually lead me back to her, as it already had so many times before, it was inevitable.
AN: I know it was a kind of big jump, almost sixteen months of nothing, from when Piper was moved into Nicky's cube, to her last few days in prison, but that's just how this story goes. If you liked it, and want to see what happens next, let me know and I'll try to write out a part two when I get some time, since I kinda have an idea where I would like to take this story, if I do decide to take it anywhere. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed it and thanks for reading, as always. I'll try to update my other stories sometime next week!