Disclaimer: I don't own Our Girl. Everything you recognise was created by Tony Grounds and is owned by the BBC

A/N This is my first FF - please be nice!

Chapter 1 - The First Time I Nearly Lost Her

Before all hell broke loose, I'd been enjoying some easy chat with Dawes about her life at school or, as she informed me more accurately, her non-existent life at school! It was interesting to treat her like a person for a moment, and find out a little about her. After all, we'd had a pretty rocky start to this tour, and although in part that was largely down to me, I felt I had a bloody good reason for my behaviour.

We certainly hadn't got off on the right foot when she rocked up on the tarmac at Brize Norton ready to assume the position of class clown. I was already unhappy about receiving a last minute replacement after working tirelessly preparing my platoon for the previous 6 months, and I was even less impressed to discover we were being sent a teenage girl, fresh out of training.

Private Molly Dawes, supposed medic, immediately got under my skin by delivering some cocky joke on the back of mine. First impressions count and that was about her worst move possible if she wanted to fit in and have a good tour. In one fell swoop she had sent herself straight to the bottom of the class. I wheeled out Captain Stern Face and was all ready to help her learn a few valuable lessons and, believe me, I can be relentless. She'd re-ignited the doubts I'd had prior to meeting her, and after her opening performance she was going to have to do some serious back pedaling to dig herself out of the hole she'd dug for herself.

Things certainly didn't improve during the first few days. She was cocky, outspoken, full of wisecracks and seemed determined to try and undermine my authority. Time and again she seemed not to be taking what we were doing seriously in any way. I started to doubt that she would ever cut it as our medic and it seemed that my best bet would be to send her packing, back on a plane home and out of my hair. I feared she would be a total liability and end up infecting the rest of the platoon with her complete disrespect. She seemed to have no concept that this was the real deal and there was no room for error.

But luckily for Molly Dawes, most definitely for me in more ways than one, and indeed for the rest of the platoon, she got to stay, because finally we began to turn a corner. Not before time she started to pull her finger out and get her act together. The joker learnt when to keep quiet and she started to show some proper respect towards me. I suppose on reflection I was pretty hard on her. Especially my crack about being grateful she wasn't wearing her stilettos when she turned up for her first PT session in those tiny shorts, although I don't think the lads felt the need to complain, and it's only fair to include myself in that!

After she was targeted on her second patrol, she was pretty shaken up. I took the opportunity to spend a few moments with her alone to get her take on what had just gone down, whilst she tended to my 'minging feet' as she called them. Charming, although I had to admit it was probably a fair comment!

A few days earlier she had warned me about Smurf's state of mind which I had downplayed, perhaps unwisely, but understandably after her recent poor performance. However, his behaviour on that second patrol had been reckless. He had gone crazy, firing bullets into a compound where he swore blind he could see the insurgent who was supposedly 'targeting the female'. Although no one else had eyeballed anyone, including me.

I was surprised to find that she was quick to defend his actions in return for him saving her arse (and I couldn't help but notice what an attractive arse it was too!) and I felt I had to give her credit for showing loyalty. I can't say I minded spending some time alone with her. I found she made me laugh, and couldn't deny she was attractive, plus her skills as a medic seemed pretty promising too as far as my blisters were concerned.

After she had defended him, I dropped my interrogation and the atmosphere relaxed between us. I told her, "I knew I didn't need new boots, nothing wrong with my old ones."

She gave a half smile "They'll wear in. Let me dress your blisters and you can get back to running us round the compound." Was she beginning to understand that I was in charge round here at last?

She seemed to back herself as a medic too. I challenged "Let's see how good a medic you are then Dawes," and she retorted, smiling genuinely for the first time, "The nuts sir."

Surprisingly, as she treated me her hands were amazingly gentle on my painful feet. She could have been rough with me but she did seem to take her job seriously. I found myself relaxing as she gently dabbed my feet with antiseptic and dressed them, "Now, don't forget Boss, I need to re-dress these every day until they're looking better."

"Yes ma'am!" I told her sarcastically. Nevertheless, I had to admit this was my first glimmer of hope that Private Dawes may turn out to prove me wrong.

I thought about our conversation, concluding that Dawes certainly had potential. Under that bravado she behaved quite differently one to one, much quieter and softer. I still felt uneasy about Smurf. Something didn't feel right. I'd had a word with him, but also needed to make sure Kinders was on board. Later that evening whilst getting some scoff, I shared my thoughts with him.

"I'm worried Smurf isn't in the right frame of mind. He's obviously not himself. His actions this afternoon when he was unloading into that compound were reckless. I need you to step up on this Kinders, keep a close eye," I told him. I think by the look on his face he could sense my concerns. "Yes Bossman, of course, agreed. I'll speak to him," he replied. "Let's make sure we've got this covered and catch any issues before anything else happens," I reminded him seriously. And with a confirming nod of his head I felt reassured, and we moved on to talk about matters back home and his blossoming relationship with his new lady.

And so today on our way to the Mountain CP was pretty much the first moment I'd let Dawes come up for air apart from our brief conversation in the med tent. I think she was just relieved to have someone to talk to as the lads had sent her to Coventry over that business with Smurf. After seeing the atmosphere in the Ops Tent earlier I'd made it my business to find out exactly what had gone down. Dawes informed me that Smurf was far from impressed that she had shared her views on his state of mind with me, labelling her a grass.

I only found out later on that Dawes had already met Smurf once before whilst she was on basic and had wound up having a brief encounter with him in a rather unfortunate location. As payback for the information she had imparted to me, it seemed he'd decided to disclose the details of their encounter to his comrades, with a few enhancements of how easy a lay she was. I had to admit I did feel for her.

I took the opportunity to reassure her that she had done the right thing by sharing her concerns with me, even though it had cost her. I was in command of this bunch of cockwombles and I needed to know if we had a loose cannon amongst us who might endanger our lives. As I allowed myself to relax in her company for a minute, I was surprised to find myself thinking that perhaps I'd somewhat misjudged Molly Dawes.

We arrived at the Mountain CP and everything seemed to be ticking along nicely but later that afternoon it all went to shit. Despite my orders and warnings, Smurf had disobeyed my command and gone down to the river bed and managed to get himself shot. I was bloody furious. We were a man down, and of anyone it could have been, why did it have to be Smurf? I'd already lost his twin brother Geraint on an earlier tour, which had been completely devastating. And as if this situation couldn't get any worse, he had the vallon with him. He was bleeding heavily and needed urgent medical assistance. It felt like an impossible decision to make, but it needed making and fast.

Behind me I could hear Mansfield getting stuck into Dawes, pressuring her to go down to Smurf. "He needs a medic," he yelled at her. Next thing I knew, I turned round to find her pleading with me to let her go and help him. Go into a minefield? Without the proper equipment to clear a safe path? "No way, no fucking way," I shouted at her angrily. What the hell was she thinking….but then, what was I thinking…telling her not to go?

We could hear Smurf. He was calling out in desperation for Dawes to help him. He was in a bad way and she was our medic. It was my call and I didn't appreciate being challenged on it by her, of all people, considering her previous form. I also wasn't convinced that she was up to the task but she was our medic and about Smurf's only chance. In that moment when I turned and looked at her, she appeared so small and vulnerable, just these beautiful green eyes, wide open, looking up at me, and I felt the need to protect her. But she soon snapped me out of that, pleading that she didn't want special treatment just because she was a female.

So that was it. Impossible decision made and we were off, down to the river bed. Or more like she was, and I couldn't help the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach as I contemplated everything that could go wrong. The risk to Dawes' life was huge, but there was no option. Smurf was losing blood rapidly and needed medical attention quickly or he would most certainly bleed out before help could get here. Seeing Dawes crawling on her stomach to try and reach Smurf evoked all sorts of painful flashbacks to the time I'd gone to retrieve Geraint.

I was suddenly aware that Dawes and I had a lot more in common than I'd initially given her credit for. In our positions we both felt more responsible than the others for everybody's safety and wellbeing. As CO and Medic we also had a responsibility as soldiers too. And we both lived life as relative loners within the section because of it, although in different ways. But her actions also made me aware that she was prepared to put her life on the line to do something she believed was right, just as I had when I'd disobeyed my Commanding Officer and gone to retrieve Smurf's brother. As I saw her move slowly down the river bed on her belly, I was being hit with a raft of emotions. Being completely out of control of the situation didn't sit well with me, I just wanted this to be over and to know they were both safe.

Slowly she inched her way nearer to Smurf and I kept in contact over the radio, making sure she was okay. She was getting concerned he'd gone quiet. The lads were shouting encouragement too, trying to make contact to keep him conscious. She was making good progress, but my anxiety was rising. I checked with her again, "Dawes, have you got eyes on Smurf, how is he? Speak to me," and in that instant it all changed. When that mine blew, my stomach tightened further and I felt paralysed. I wouldn't let myself believe what seemed to be in front of me. "Dawes, Dawes, Dawes," I screamed frantically. I couldn't stop calling her name. Please move, for god's sake, please move. Baz had eyes on her, in fact I could see with my own eyes that she wasn't moving. I started to fear the worst, I hoped and prayed she wasn't dead.

Then after what felt like a lifetime, she moved. I saw her sit up, and she made radio contact. "I'm alright, I'm alright….I can't believe I've still got my legs," she called out sounding shocked. The relief was overwhelming. She was okay, somehow she was alive. She still had her legs and was pretty near unharmed; a bloody miracle in my mind. I found myself feeling my own legs in sympathy. Then amazingly, she dusted herself down and continued on her quest to reach Smurf, who by now was nearly out of it and had stopped responding to our calls. I was astonished by the force of her will and her grit and determination.

Against the odds, she reached her destination, and set to work on him, but he wasn't in a good way. The MERT arrived in a matter of minutes. When I heard her radio back to me…. "I'm gonna have to go up with him sir," she sounded nervous and I was filled with panic again. No way, no fucking way was I allowing that to happen. I'd already nearly lost her once, not five minutes ago. I couldn't go through that again.

I was supposed to be the one in charge and here she was about to make her own decisions, disobey my command and put her life at risk. But as I started shouting my order at her not to go up on the winch, I had to question if it was a fair call. If I was in her situation what would I do? The trouble is, I already knew the answer to that, because I'd been in the same position and disobeyed my Commanding Officer and risked my life to retrieve Smurf's brother. I knew my order was probably unreasonable, but it didn't stop me giving it. It felt way too dangerous for her to go up on the winch. With the sniper still at large she could be jackpotted in a flash. I was sure she must have heard me but sure enough, as the cradle was raised up, just as I feared, she was on the other end of it, going up with Smurf, and there was nothing I could do about it.

With my heart thumping in my chest, I could hardly bear to watch. I was gripped with terror at the thought of her being harmed, but at the same time I was absolutely bloody livid. Private Dawes seemed to think she could make her own rules and do as she liked. It was my job to give out the orders whilst she obeyed them, but she had gone ahead and done exactly as she pleased.

I held my breath for the time it took. Only a few seconds, but it felt like forever. When she finally reached the chopper and got Smurf inside then herself, the boys were screaming at her in celebration. I wanted to join in with sheer relief, but instead had to make them realise how much danger she had put herself in by disobeying my order.

I was bloody angry with her, but I was also bursting with pride and admiration at what she'd just achieved. She'd had the guts to put her life on the line to save Smurf without a second thought and she had done it in the most incredible way. I was in complete awe. She appeared to only be a cute little girl but her bravery was undeniable. Inside that tiny body was the heart of a bulldog. One thing was for sure: in just this one incident, she'd proved to me that she was an amazing soldier, an outstanding medic, and even more than that, she was a great human being who was willing to risk her life for anyone in her section. Moreover, she'd done all of this even though Smurf had tried to wreck her reputation and the lads weren't even technically speaking to her. She'd put all that aside and got on with her job. I was seriously impressed. I also knew there and then that I had most definitely underestimated her. Molly Dawes was far from the bad apple that I thought was going to infect the rest of the platoon.

As I watched the helicopter go by, up the valley and out of sight I felt pretty moved by what I'd just witnessed. Molly Dawes' actions had been fucking awesome. But she'd still disobeyed my order, even though I probably shouldn't have given it. If I'd been in her position I would have done exactly the same. For that reason I decided not to give her the bollocking that she was due, but I might just jerk her chain a bit because she needed to know not to make a habit of it. But I had a feeling this wouldn't be the last time she made her own rules. If I could be sure of nothing else, it was that Private Dawes was a feisty one and if I didn't keep her on her toes, she'd definitely keep me on mine!

Looking back, I know this was the moment where it all changed for me. The day I nearly lost her for the first time. After that day, I never saw Dawes in the same light again. My respect for her soared. Something had been switched on inside me and as hard as I tried, I could not turn it off.