You have spent most of your life alone.

Children don't like being told their mothers are sleeping with the pool boy or fathers are sleeping with the secretary. They don't want to be friends with freaks.

So you spend your afternoon hours exploring the pond near your house, collecting samples to experiment on while Mycroft's eyes follow your movements, making sure you don't fall in.

(Which you do, more than once, mainly to get him to come play with you. It doesn't always work, but you bask in the moments that it does. You'll never admit it, of course, but you suspect that he knows either way.)

Then Mycroft is off to University and you are alone. It hurts much worse than when the other children taunt and torment you, so you delete the feeling of joy you used to get when he played games with you.

And you move on.

University is no different. Your room mate hates you, an entirely mutual feeling, and you are forced to spend your years surrounded by morons. You turn to the comfort of drugs and accidentally meet Lestrade when you overdose.

He gets you to a hospital, calls Mycroft, and doesn't leave your side until he's sure you will be ok.

For the first time, you do not feel alone.

He allows you to consult on cases, under the condition that you stay clean, which you do simply for the continued access to crime scenes and less harmful stimuli.

You solve crimes and insult him and he gives you a fondly exasperated look, which you pretend you hate (but secretly you love).

While you work with him, you meet Martha Hudson, a battered wife who asks that you ensure her husband's murder conviction. You agree because she reminds you of Mummy, and keep in contact with her because she is remarkably kind to you.

Then John Watson comes into your life and the utter dullness of the world is suddenly bright.

He doesn't mind your insults, often quips right back at you, and he puts up with your random experiments and odd habits.

(He also makes a damn good cuppa, but you'll never admit that).

Moriarty comes into your world shortly after and you are drawn into a new kind of game, one that battles your wits and leaves you with a high you have not felt since University, since the drugs.

He brings Irene Adler with him and you are confronted by a presence you aren't sure what to do with. She is brilliant and cruel, and against your better judgement, she steals your attentions and almost beats you.

You win in the end, but it is a hollow victory.

Then she is no longer there, hidden somewhere that Moriarty cannot touch and you are left floundering to understand what she means to you. You push it aside because you'd rather not think about it.

Suddenly, not too long after her departure; John, Lestrade, Mrs. Hudson, and your entire world is gone and you are alone again.

(It hurts so much worse this time around.)

You had become use to companionship and the loneliness that now surrounds you is aching, crippling.

You remember why you hated Mycroft so much- he was the first to leave you with this feeling.

You create a mantra, how utterly dull, to keep yourself sane, repeating it when ache gets too bad.

"Alone is what I have. Alone protects me."

Maybe it was true once, but now it just feels like an empty lie.

"Alone is what I have. Alone protects me."

You search out and destroy Moriarty's web, ignoring the destruction you leave in your wake.

You just want to get home.

Sometimes, while you work on detangling the web of lies, you reach out in John's direction, asking him to hand you your phone.

It takes you almost ten minutes to realize he is not there.

Every. Single. Time.

(And that hurts more than anything else, the sudden aching reminder that you are alone.)

Then, you repeat to yourself your new-found mantra;

"Alone is what I have. Alone protects me."

And you get back to work.

Unbeta'd. Please review!