ADMISSIONS OF THE HEART
CHAPTER ONE:
"For me it doesn't feel like an affair…for me..for me it feels like I'm coming home." Emma said as she wiped the sweat from her brow with the back of her hand and looked to the brunette who was standing opposite her in the small metal carriage that was suspended between the fourth and fifth floor of the building they had entered together only minutes earlier.
Regina's attention turned to the blonde. "But what we're doing is wrong, Emma."
Emma remained silent as she considered Regina's statement.
Yes it was wrong. This relationship or whatever it was that they had entered into and carried on with over the last few months would eventually be their undoing. People would inevitably get hurt. The lies they had spread would no doubt come back and bite them on the arse. Emma knew this. Yet she couldn't help how she felt, she couldn't help herself to indulge in the passionate affair that they both seemed so comfortable to consent to. With a sigh, she looked to the brunette and smiled at the older woman.
"Why does it feel so wrong to fall in love with someone who is so right for you?"
Emma wasn't expecting an answer, it was a rhetoric question put out there in the universe to express her feelings for the situation that they found themselves in.
Regina looked from the blonde and turned her attention to the buttoned panel beside her. All the numbered buttons were lit up like a Christmas tree. When they'd felt the elevator grind to a halt, it was Emma who had the bright idea to push all the buttons in a frantic attempt to get the elevator moving again. Of course, it hadn't worked. Regina sighed to herself as she dabbed her forehead with cuff of her blazer. It was definitely getting hotter in the lift carriage.
Regina's focused back on the blonde. "Robin knows something isn't right.."
"Did you tell him about us?" Emma countered, anxiety quivering in her voice as she spoke.
Regina shook her head. "No." pausing slightly, she then continued. "I wanted to, but I'm such a fucking coward.."
Emma pondered her own situation with Killian. She felt Killian knew something wasn't right. The recent neediness he was displaying for her attention, combined with some rather anxiety fuelled behaviour and the comments that were starting to gnaw away at her. What she had with Killian was fun, it was easy and if she was brutally honest, nothing but superficial. The relationship had started because an itch needed to be scratched. And now, it served no purpose. He was like an annoying mosquito that needed to be swatted away.
"With Robin it's comfortable.." Regina mused.
"What do you mean, comfortable?" Emma asked.
Regina looked down at her hands. "No surprises, easy, just comfortable…I know where I stand with him." She shrugged her shoulders.
Emma remained silent.
"But with you…" Regina trailed off into her own thoughts.
Emma glanced down at her watch; they'd been stuck in the lift for the last ten minutes. It was becoming more obvious by the second that the Service Manager that Regina had managed to contact on the emergency phone wasn't coming in a hurry.
Emma blew out a breath of hot air. Being trapped in the elevator was starting to take its toll; she couldn't help but feel a little claustrophobic. Emma felt a bead of sweat rolling from the back of her neck to the middle of her shoulder blades and eventually soaking into her lower back. She swiped the back of her neck with her fingers, the moisture soaking into her skin. She glanced at Regina who was delicately patting her nape with a scrunched up tissue.
"You're afraid.." Emma's voice was sincere..
Regina lifted her head, her brown eyes focusing on the blonde. She nodded. "I'm afraid if I get in too deep with you again, I'm going to ruin it. I'm a destructive person, compelled to destroy everything that is good around me." She said as she lowering her gaze from the blonde.
"Look, I'm not so innocent. I treated you awfully, you didn't deserve that. I found myself in a dark place and Killian seemed like the easy option to take. I was the coward." Emma said.
Regina remained silent; she kicked off her pumps one by one and slowly slid down the side of the carriage until she sat with her legs extended out in front of her. She started to wiggle her toes to release the pent up pressure of them being trapped in the tight shoes. Emma followed suit, kicking off her shoes and slid down the wall until she reached the floor. She adjusted her dress underneath her as she brought her legs up to her chest. Her hands rested upon her knees.
Regina slid her blazer off her shoulders, exposing the olive skin underneath. The sleeveless white blouse clung to the damp skin. She undid the top button, allowing her skin to breathe just a little bit easier. A flash of lace from the bra she was wearing came into Emma's view. Regina repositioned and tugged at the hem of her pencil line skirt to allow herself to get more comfortable. With her legs extended out in front of her, she welcomed the coolness of the metal floor underneath her. Emma naturally and perhaps unconsciously copied the brunette; she extended her legs allowing her toes to meet Regina's in the middle.
"I can't go on like this…" Regina finally said.
Emma tilted her head questioning the brunette's statement.
"I don't want comfort or ease. I need to live again…"
"But you're afraid what you're feeling for me right now isn't real because we're not really together.." Emma offered.
Regina nodded slowly.
"I feel the same…" Emma admitted.
Regina's eyes fell upon the blonde again, a small twitch of a hopeful smile swept subtly over her face as she looked, really looked at the blonde. "I miss this…"
Emma narrowed her eyes slightly; she wasn't entirely sure what Regina meant. "Miss what exactly?"
"I miss this.." Regina waved her hand back and forth between them both. "I miss this symbiosis we share. I think that's why we were able to co-parent when things were so acrimonious between us.."
Emma smiled as she briefly recalled in her memory the many times they were able to hold down a civil conversation about Henry's well-being even though the tension between them was less than desirable. "It's because we share the same values…"
Regina nodded. "And like the same people.."
Emma nodded "And dislike the same people.."
They both simultaneously laughed out loud and it was obvious they were thinking of the same person.
Emma leant back against the wall of the elevator carriage. "I have always admired your uncanny ability to find something beautiful in the most mundane situation. You're appreciation for detail surpasses anyone else." She said wistfully.
Regina softly raised one of her finely manicured eyebrows and shrugged. "I suppose that trait helps, It led me to find you all those years ago."
Emma chuckled out loud as she thought back to when they first met.
Emma adjusted and slid her black rimmed glasses off her nose, letting them rest on top of her head as she squinted at the black and white photograph that solely hung in the centre of the brilliant white wall. She couldn't quite make out what it was supposed to be. Inching her face closer to the picture, she stopped, leant back and then finally gave up. Stepping back, she shook her head. She didn't have a clue what it was supposed to be. Rubbing the back of her neck as she turned from the photograph she quite literally bumped into someone who was stood behind her.
"Oh god, I'm sorry. My bad." She had said, taking a step back as she focused on the brunette who seemed a little perplexed.
"Not at all..I wasn't aware of you there…I apologise." The brunette had answered as she held her hand over her chest and flashed a sparkling apologetic smile.
Emma focused on the obvious award winning smile and then the most gorgeous brown eyes she'd ever seen. Emma was an instant mess, slowly drowning in those eyes. "Nah, you're good…totally my fault...I wasn't watching where I was going, suppose it's cos' I was still trying to figure out what the hell that photo was all about.." She rambled.
The brunette looked over and past Emma's shoulder at the photo. With a rueful smirk, she turned her focus on the blonde. "The beauty within…it's exploring the idea that beauty is in the detail."
Emma's mouth grew slack as her eyes bugged out widely. "Oh come on, really? How can you tell…I mean to me it's just an unfocused blob of ..well..something..it doesn't look like anything really.."
The brunette cocked an eyebrow curiously, remaining quiet to allow the blonde woman in front of her to continue rambling. She found the blonde woman somewhat endearing, refreshing and even dare she say it. The most beautiful woman she'd ever laid her eyes on. She found herself tuning out of what she was saying as she concentrated on the green eyes that seemed to dance around in front of her. They seemed so free, so inviting, so young and spirited. Regina noticed that the blondes left iris was actually a shade darker than the right. She wondered if the woman in front of her realise this small detail about herself. It was only when she heard the blonde say something about the photographer that she pulled herself out of her reverie and stopped the woman. Holding her left hand up to stop the woman from speaking anymore. She interrupted her. "Sorry dear, I didn't quite catch what you said."
Emma sighed deeply; she thought the brunette had tuned out some time ago. "I was saying. I probably could take the same exact photo with my phone and sell it for a tonne of money and live off the spoils..no one would be the wiser. I find it laughable that this Regina Mills is actually an up and coming Contempary Photographer with photos like this…" She said, comically throwing her thumb over her shoulder towards the photo.
Regina looked to the photo once again, squinted at the photo. She pretended to study it for a moment whilst all the time she was formulating the perfect retort and debating with herself to relieve her identity. No, she thought. For once in her life, someone was actually being honest with her. Her eyes focused back on the blonde who had half turned to look at the photo again.
"I'm not saying it's not good, I'm just saying I don't get this photo..but hey!" Emma threw her hands up. "Whatever floats your boat, right?"
Regina chuckled at the blonde's response. "Indeed, whatever floats your boat.."
Emma smiled at the brunette, nodded her head and started to walk off but was stopped by a hand being gripped around her forearm. She looked to the brunette for an explanation.
"Would you like to get a coffee with me? I'd love to hear more about your thoughts on this photographer." Regina smiled. She just knew if she let this woman go now she'd never see her again.
Emma blushed slightly as she glanced around the gallery space and took notice of all the so called art critics scrutinizing each photograph. She'd had enough of this scene and well she'd be crazy to turn an offer for coffee with this gorgeous brunette. Giving an indifferent shrug of her shoulders she answered. "Yeah why not, I could do with a change of scenery."
Regina smirked. "Me too, dear.."
"I still can't believe you waited until we'd finished the coffee to finally tell me who you were.." Emma said as she playfully nudged Regina's foot. "God I felt like such an idiot." She shook her head comically.
Regina smirked "I did contemplate whether or not to put you out your misery earlier back in the gallery..but you were just so refreshing, not like everyone else at the time, kissing my arse every five minutes.."
"If I recall correctly, that came a little later" Emma winked.
Regina threw her hands up over her face covering her now blushing cheeks. Peaking between her fingers, she watched as Emma smiled widely at her. "You've always been insatiable.."
"Oh you're one to talk." Emma playfully scoffed.
"Only when it comes to you.." Regina flirted back.
It was now Emma's turn to blush.
Silence filled the carriage momentarily as both women locked the gaze upon one another.
Finally Regina spoke. "I've missed you Emma…"
Emma remained silent; she had a feeling Regina had more to say.
"From the very get go, all those years ago, you never were one to mince your words. You told it like it was. Always challenging me, making me question myself, pushing me to strive better. Never afraid to speak your mind. I found it refreshing then…and I still do to this day." Regina continued.
"You didn't do too badly either. I think that's why it worked for so long, we.." Emma said as she looked straight in the eye of her ex-wife.
"We completed each other.." Regina finished.
Emma could only nod in agreement until an obvious sad memory floated to the surface. She glanced away and lowered her head. "Until it all went wrong…"
Regina looked away from the blonde; she knew exactly what Emma was talking about.
Regina flipped the cover of her phone shut and huffed annoyingly to herself as she gripped the phone tightly in her left hand before throwing it with all the strength she had at the white washed brick wall of her studio. The mobile phone smashed against the brick work breaking into several pieces. Sighing to herself, she walked towards it bending down along the way picking up the pieces. Gathering the broken bits in her hands she walked back to the long wooden table that sat along the far wall of her studio. Tossing the bits on the table, she turned her attention to freshly developed prints that were lined up at the far end of the table. Gathering them up one by one in her hands she tucked them under her arm as she grabbed the plastic shallow tray and a half empty bottle of whiskey that sat squarely on the edge of the table. She placed the tray and whiskey down in the centre of the room and started tossing the photos in the direction of the tray, her eyes skimming over each photograph. She came to the last one and stopped. It was a photograph of Emma and their five year old son, Henry. Both were smiling widely into the camera. Tracing her fingers over both their faces, she held the photo tightly in her hands as she looked to the pile of discarded photographs; they were all exactly the same. Emma and Henry smiling into the camera. The edges of the photograph started to bend as Regina tightened her grip. "FUCKKKKKKKKKK" She screamed out, the sound reverberating off all four walls. Tears now freely flowed as she grasped the photograph to her chest. She'd caused this; she caused the situation she now found herself in.
Alone.
How did she end up like this? Easily really. Her destructive nature compelling her to ruin the best thing she had going in her life. Her marriage to Emma and ultimately the little family they had created when their son Henry was born. She'd lost it all because of her weakness to allow herself to destroy the happiness around her. The last time 'that old friend' had surfaced was before she'd met Emma. Since then, it had sunk deep inside herself, hiding it's ugliness from herself and the rest of the world. But recently it had surfaced; only briefly at first, she didn't notice it really. It was disguised as something completely different. But she started to notice it when she would start snapping at Emma for no reason, retreating from her home life and locking herself away in her studio ignoring her responsibilities to Henry and then ultimately hitting her hard in the face in the shape of a red – head who was bent over naked with legs spread wide while she fucked her over the very table that she now had turned her attention to. Necking the bottle of whiskey, she winced in disgust as the warm liquid travelled down her throat and hit her empty stomach. She looked at the bottle in her hand, looked at the table then poured some of the whiskey of the table. Turning around she slowly walked back to the scattered photographs and sprinkled the last remnants over the photos. She turned quickly and threw the bottle at the brick wall; she didn't even react to it smashing into a thousand pieces. Reaching into back pocket of her jeans, she looked at the small red throw-away lighter; she flicked the wheel and watched the flint spark as she strolled back to the table. She followed the dripping liquid as it flowed off the table onto the floor. Squatting down beside the liquid trail, she watched the natural flow head towards the centre of the room. All it would take was one spark from the lighter, the fire; the flame would travel gradually to the photos and also to the table. Symbolic of how her life was, really.
One side her family; representing all that was good in her life and then the other, where the devil laid bare tempting and seducing her to re-acquaint their friendship.
What did she have left to lose? Nothing now, she'd lost it already. She flicked the wheel, watched the spark light the liquid which roared to life in the shape of a flame.
"It was never my intention to kill myself, Emma. You know when you found me." Regina said as she looked to the blonde.
"I know…" Emma said as her eyes met the brunettes.
"Things had got out of hand, I was drunk and emotional. I had just got off the phone to you and I really didn't know what I was doing…You were taking my son from me." Regina said, her voice laced with sorrow.
Emma sighed deeply. They'd never really spoke about that night since. "You can understand why, can't you?"
Regina nodded. "I know now, you were doing what was best for Henry."
Emma nodded. "Henry didn't need to see his other mother like that." She paused slightly as she looked away. "I couldn't see you like that…"
As a washed up, 'has been' once famous photographer who lost a grip of reality, drinking herself into a stupor every night and fucking every common whore while I struggled at home, raising our son alone. Emma didn't voice her thoughts. Over the years, since, Emma had forgiven Regina. It wasn't easy at first and Emma had used Regina's destructive trait against her in an ugly custody battle but once Regina had sort out help professionally, she realised that her actions had been wrong. In the end, she agreed to shared custody of Henry. Because really Regina wasn't the monster Emma had portrayed her to be. She was just a woman, who lost sight of who she was and had invited the devil to rest at her table.
"I forgive you, Regina…" Emma said softly.
Regina offered a soft smile. She believed Emma and was grateful for the blonde's remorse.
Emma blew out a breath of hot air. Her dress now sticking to her sticky skin. Running her fingers through her now damp hair, she closed her eyes for a moment and then slowly opened them. The brunette was staring at her.
"Like what you see?" Emma playfully said.
Regina clucked her tongue and smirked. "Perhaps too much, my dear…"
Emma gave a shy smile as she looked down to her lap and threaded her fingers together and then looked back to the brunette. "Do you think someone is actually coming to rescue us?"
Regina glanced up to the emergency phone that was on its cradle and then to the buttoned panel. She noticed the buttons where no longer lit up. "I think the power is out."
"Great!" Emma scoffed sarcastically.
A/N - Just to let you all know, this is going to be just a short piece, 2 chapters. All stemming from an idea I had. As always, reviews are welcomed. ~50'sPUGirl