She knows he is there. She can feel it.
Not simply from the insistent tapping at her door, but from the way the air around her shifts when he was near. It is an incessant tugging at something deep inside her. It pulls her to him, just as it pulls him to her. It frustrates her that it always tries to pull them together.
She lifts the covers off and rolls into a sitting position. Groggily she makes her way towards the door.
When the durasteel door slides open, he is there, leaning against the wall his dark hair sticking to his face in stringy pieces. He must have woken up in a cold sweat. His mouth is drawn up in a grim line and his eyes hooded. He won't look at her. He is wearing all black; he hasn't changed his clothes since he had come to the resistance base. Or at least, he hasn't accepted any new clothing.
"It's late," she says, frustration and exhaustion creeping into her tone.
He brings his eyes up to meet hers, and she can see they are watery. He is trembling.
"I know," he says. His eyes are still locked on her.
"I'm going back to bed," she moves to close the door, but he reaches out and grasps her wrist. His touch does things to her she does not like. It sends jolts of electricity down her arm and into her belly. She always tries to avoid his touch. He always tries to find a reason to touch her.
"Please," his voice sounds like its breaking, and she feels the pain in her chest. Her throat tightens. She is all too aware of his grip on her.
"Why?" She asks.
For months, he has made his way to her room at night and tapped on the door. It has almost become a ritual. She never lets him in. They usually stand in silence until he calms down. Then he returns to his room. She's afraid to let him in. She's afraid of what might happen. She's afraid of what she might do.
"Rey," he begins. "Just this once." His eyes are pleading with her.
She sighs, "once would be one time too many."
He nods but he doesn't move. "I just. . . I can't. . . I need you."
His hand is on his face and something like a sob comes out. He was like this only a few weeks ago she remembers. When he came to her in the night and found that she was not alone.
Poe had been gracious enough when she answered the door. He had even waited patiently till Ren left. But afterwards, he told her that it was obvious Ren wanted her. Not just in the way a man might want a woman. Poe said Ren wanted her desperately, painfully, in the way a drowning man would want air. Rey dismissed this idea of course. She felt that it was only because of their bond that he comes to her. She remembers the look on Ren's face when he spied Poe on her bed. The odd look of betrayal and humiliation. But then something like stoic resignation or even a mask of indifference came over him. He left without another word. And for several days, he did not come to her. It was only when the rumor went around that Poe was seeing someone else, someone more in line with his tastes, did Ren make an appearance again.
"I can't help you," she says, trying to make her voice sound strong.
His hand on her wrist loosens, and her arm falls to her side. She thinks of her talk with General Organa, heartbroken over the death of her husband, at her son's own hand. How Leia wanted so desperately for her son to heal, but he is so broken. So so broken and Leia is helpless. Ren is lost. Rey feels lost too.
"I'm sorry," he says, turning to go. "I know I need to stop coming to you. I need to do this on my own."
"Do what?" She wonders, then realizes she spoke aloud.
He stills in the doorway. "I need to atone for what I'v done."
"How will you do that?" She asks.
"The only way I can," he says. She feels his resolve. His determination.
"Wait," she says. He takes three solid steps into the hall before she catches him by the arm. The touch is exhilarating. This time, it tingles on her skin and Rey thinks she sees stars. She lets go of him quickly.
"Come in."
He doesn't move. He doesn't breathe. But Rey feels the sudden joy, the hope, the longing and she knows they are not her feelings.
His voice is unsteady, "are you sure?"
"Yes," she says, holding up a finger. "Just this once."
They make their way back to her room. Sliding the door shut she gestures to her bed. It is the only place to sit in her small quarters. His steps falter as he tries to situate himself on the bed carefully.
Rey seats herself on the bed; she does not want to sit too close. She crosses her legs underneath her and waits for him to speak. The silence stretches out into what feels like hours.
"Are you going to speak?" She says finally. "You got what you wanted. You're here. Now speak or you'll need to leave."
He shifts uncomfortably. "I didn't have a plan after coming in your room."
She knows he's lying. She can feel it through the bond. There is something he's not telling her. Something he doesn't want to share. She could sift through his thoughts till it's uncovered, but a part of her wants him just to tell her. She wants him to share his deep dark secret. She wants him to know that it will be safe with her.
"How will you atone for the things you've done?" She asks.
She knows he's thinking about Snoke, about killing Snoke to be more accurate. He's thinking about all the ways he can bring down the First Order. Deep down he knows that he is only alive now by the grace of his mother. His mother was the only one who believed him when he said he had changed.
Rey certainly didn't believe him. Even when she felt the sincerity and the earnest hope pouring into her mind. She could feel his emotions, but that didn't mean she trusted them. She didn't know if they were fickle, if they would change. Only time would tell.
He had only been at the resistance base for a few months, during which he had moved from prisoner to traitor to soldier, but never to friend. Even though he provided them with excellent intel and even though he had already supported the resistance on numerous missions since his arrival, no one trusted him. She knew that the loneliness was extremely difficult for him. He longed to touch someone, to feel that someone cared about him. His mother had kept her distance from him as if she couldn't bring herself to be near him for which no one could blame her.
"Well?" She asks her tone not unkind.
"I – I plan to kill Snoke," he says it like he's made a decision. Like everything has come to this.
"That's what I assumed you were going to do," she respnds.
"It's the only thing I can think of that might make you trust me," he looks at her, his eyes searching. "The only thing that could show my good faith to my mother."
Rey nods, "And you want my help with this?"
"I would never ask you to do something you don't want to," he says.
She snorts, "Oh really? You would never ask me to do something I don't want to? Do you remember the last few months? Do you remember Starkiller?"
"Do you think I could forget?!" He snaps and she knows he is touching the tight skin of the scar on his face. The scar she gave him. "I'm sorry," he murmurs. "You're right. I've asked too much of you already." He starts to rise, to leave the room, to leave her.
"Wait," she says, her hand grazing his back. More tingles. "I think I may be able to help."
"Really?" He turns around and his face hopeful, there is a hint of something.
"I may have an idea," she smiles up at him. "But you have to do something for me."
He is suddenly very interested. She knows that she always has his full attention, but now there is a hunger in his eyes she's never seen before. Something burns inside her. She can feel it. She can feel the Force pulling her to him. The tugging grows more insistent.
She shakes her head suddenly, "yes."
"Anything," he says. She feels the sincerity roll off of him like some sort of heavy cologne. So strong she can almost smell it.
"I want you to train with me," she says, and she feels his heart begin pounding. "And Master Luke."
Just like that, the light seems to go dim. His eyes are hooded again. He backs away slowly.
"I don't think that's a good idea," he says. "I don't think Luke would want that."
She knows this idea terrifies him. But she feels it is the only way he can truly heal the wounds he has made on his family.
"You have to try," she pleads. "Master Luke needs to be a part of this."
He shakes his head, but considers her, "I'll think about it."
He stands up and makes his way to the door. This time, she doesn't stop him.
"Ren?" Rey calls after him, "I'd like to think you really want to change."
"I do," he whispers over his shoulder.
His hand rests on the durasteel door, and it slides open.
"Rey?" He says, turning slightly.
"Yes?"
"Thank you."
"For what?" She asks.
"For letting me in."
And then he is gone. Rey curls up in her bed and tries to go to sleep, but the feelings that roll over her from the bond keep her awake. She can feel the relief and the determination from Ren. It washes her in comfort and makes her feel less alone.