A/N: Yay my first fanfiction!

So I have read these very good parodies of GOF and OOTP written by MuffinPuppet and they inspired me to write one of the new movie: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince :) I do not know if anyone will find it funny 'cause I have a very weird sense of humor, which only few seem to understand. My mother is (sadly) not one of them, but since none of you are my mother, I guess you all have a fair chance XD

Disclaimer: *sigh* my first disclaimer (and probably last) I do not own Harry Potter or anything related to it, nor do I own the movie or anything that you recognize. All I own are the grammar mistakes, and the crappy humor ;P (and way too much time)

WARNING: spoilers of all movies and books

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The cinema is stuffed with people, and I mean REALLY stuffed. If it was allowed more people would probably come to just STAND and see the movie.

We have been waiting for so long, EIGHT FREAKING EXTRA MONTHS! And we have practically already seen the movie with all of the clips Warner Brothers have been releasing, but everyone is still excited.

This movie is said to be the funniest and scariest at the same time.

Non-readers: "wait, funniest AND scariest. Is this a 'Scary Movie'?"

Readers: makes a fearful face, and prays that Yates hasn't been able to screw this movie up as much as ootp.

HP-fans: "is that even possible?"

The movie begins and we see the Warner Brothers logo flow in the sky

Everyone: "yeah, like in every other movie" .

The first thing we hear is the lovely Bellatrix Lestrange screaming: "I killed Sirius Black!" the sentence is followed by her incredible insane laughter, that would sound great in a techno remix (does anyone care to try and make one?)

Then we are attacked by a giant eye! No, wait, that's just Harry looking miserable.

We have gone back in time, to see all of the photographers take their picture for the newspaper after the disaster at the ministry.

Nonreaders: "erh where are we?"

Readers: "well do you remember the last movie?"

Nonreaders:" ..no .. should we?"

Readers: slaps their hands in their face. This is going to be a long night

Dumbledore gently puts his arm around Harry, and it looks like he is trying to help, but really he is just trying to prevent him from running away.(who can blame the boy?)

Slash fans:" or maybe.."

Everybody else:" NO! You just shut up, not so early into the movie!"

Slash fans: "but"… receives a very nasty glare

Dumbledore escorts him out and we now see the famous words "HARRY POTTER" flow in the sky.

A building appears.

A very dull meeting of some not so busy looking muggels takes place. One man looks out into the sky, and we see the clouds forming a skull.

HP Critics: "that man has obviously been taking drugs, and is encouraging the children who see this movie to do the same thing." Hurries to scribble down a few keywords looking like a Rita Skeeter clone.

Out of the very ugly cloud comes three black piles of smoke.

Nonreaders:" that's.. we know what that is.. its.."

Readers: "you don't remember do you?"

Nonreaders: "no not really"

The black smoke, that we naturally know are deatheaters, flies around and destroys everything. They have too much free time on their hands. Seriously.

They then kidnap a man, only the ones having read the SEVENTH book will know who is, leaving everyone else without an explanation throughout the whole movie. And in the process, they also take down a bridge.

Readers: "why is that in the movie? It's not even important"

David Yates:"well I have too much money, and I thought it would be cool."

Hp-fans: "and you didn't want to use that money at the funeral of the greatest wizard of all times because…?"

David Yates: "well, a funeral is not cool"

Hp-fans: deathglare

We then arrive at a train station. Harry is holding a copy of The Daily Prophet , and have totally forgotten that the pictures are moving. So intelligent he is.

A young girl with a VERY bad hair day comes along and points it out to him. She then ask him who Harry Potter is, and everyone besides Yates thinks that this is too cliché.

Harry then makes the worst attempt ever in asking a girl out.

Readers: "what is this?"

Yates: "well I wanted this movie to have teenage hormones in it. And making Harry look like a complete idiot is fun."

Nonreaders: "is this a new girl? What happened to the asian one?"

Readers: "we. Don't. need. More. Girls. Give. Us. The. H/G moments we saw in the trailer!"

Some spooky music plays in the background, and Harry looks out the window at the trains. A very nonscary-supposed-to-be-scary scene takes place where Dumbledore suddenly appears out of nowhere.

Dumbledore: you've been reckless this summer Harry

Harry replies that he just loves riding trains, a thing that nobody knew except Yates.

Canon Harry: I don't love riding trains? How did I even get out there?

Hp-fans: yeah, we have just seen a scene with the deatheaters being at their worst and now we see the-boy-that-they-should-be-trying-to-kidnap-instead-of-destroying-bridges, walking around like nothing happened.

Dumbledore then shows Harry his hand.

Nonreaders: "what is he talking about?"

Readers: "look at his hand"

Nonreaders: "oookay. What's that? Something really evil and important right?"

Readers: "yes, that's right"

After getting our attention to the hand Dumbledore stops and we don't get to know what there is about that hand.

Yates: looking up in the ceiling and trying to avoid eye contact, so that nobody will ask him if he is going to explain the hand later in the movie.

Harry then looks back at the so-not-important-girl-with-the-terrible-afro-hair, but she gets to be lonely tonight 'cause Dumbledore wants Harry all to himself.

Slash fans: *snicker*

They apparate, with an ear piercing sound, that makes everyone in the cinema lose their hearing for 5 seconds.

Harry: "I just apparated didn't I?"

Dumbledore: "blahblah blah vomit bla blah"

Nonreaders:" err whats apparate?"

Readers: *sigh*

They have now arrived at Budleigh Babberton, a town Dumbledore calls 'charming'.

Dumbledore: "you are of course wondering why I have brought you here tonight."
Harry:" actually, sir, after all these years, I just sort of go with it."

One nerdy HP-fan:" This shows Harry's intelligence. He doesn't even know if this really IS Dumbledore."

Nonreaders: "isn't it?"

The nerdy HP-fan: "well yes but…" and everyone once again ignore the nerdy fan.

The door to the house is open, and dark music fills our ears.

Dumbledore: "wands out Harry"

Slash fans: bursts out laughing

Every normal person in the cinema: what the hell is wrong with them?

They then enter the house that is totally ruined, and a drop of blood splashes down on Harry's forehead in a supposed-to-be-scary-but-is-not way.

Dumbledore then touches it and actually licks it off. (Did you notice with which finger it was?) XD

Nonreaders: "what the hell?" Looks at the smirking slash fans "this is getting too weird!"

We then get to see the only furniture that the deatheaters obviously thought was too ugly to destroy. Dumbledore pokes the totally outdated and ugly armchair and it is split in two when a head appears.

The head belongs to the new teacher this year who looks like he's on drugs. Period.

Head:"Merlin's beard!" makes a weird face, trying to hide that he is high, but failing hard.

Everyone: "he was trying to hide looking like an armchair… of course we know he is high!"

The hideous armchair then transforms into a pajamas, and we are introduced to Horace Slughorn.

When he spots Harry, he once again forgets to hide his condition, and starts to look more and more like a pedophile.

Dumbledore and Slughorn talks about something that we all so not care about, since the only reason Slughorn is important is the fact that he has that oh so important memory that Dumbledore already knows how ends.

They then put it all magical together again.

Harry makes his happy face, looking like it is the first time he has seen magic, and in all the glory he almost gets hit with one of the many things flowing in the air.

David Yates:"I so wanted him to get hit..." *sob*

Then for SEVEN seconds we get to see a crystal thingy trying to get out from under Harry's Shoe.

HP-fans: glares at Yates "can you get to the point, and stop filling us with your stupid special effects?"

David Yates:" but .. but I like special effects!"

HP-fans:"yeah, and WE like Harry Potter! So show us dammit!"

Dumbledore then declares that he has to pee.

Everyone: "we did so not need to know that"

Slughorn: "don't think I don't know why you're here Albus the answer is still no. Absolutely no!"

Dumbledore just walks out of the room, and winks at Slughorn on the way.

Slash fans: "hehehehe. We know what Albus is plotting, and poor Harry has no idea!"

Everybody else:" what are you freaks talking about?"

Slash fans: "well isn't it obvious? Dumbledore brings harry to a house with a man that looks at him in a very very disturbing way, and we all know that Dumbledore sexuality…"

Everybody else: "OKAY! This fic is still rated T. Let's not temp fate"

Slughorn then says the line that too many have been saying in these movies.

Everybody even the nonreaders:" Argh! You know we are not blind. We KNOW that Harry looks like his bloody ugly father, that runs around with sex hair all the time, and that he has his oh so lovely mothers freaking green eyes, which he doesn't even have in the movies!!"

Okay on with the very boring conversation.

Slughorn compliments Harry's mother, and in the same sentence discriminates her for being a muggleborn. Smooth.

Harry then defends muggleborns, while dragging Hermione into it. Not a very sweet thing to do, cause now Slughorn is interested in Hermione as well.

H/Hr shippers: "He just wanted her to get credit! See he can't stop talking about her. So cute"

Non H/Hr shippers: "or, Hermione just happens to be the only clever muggleborn he knows."

H/Hr shippers: looking very sad, trying not to think about the seventh book, more specifically chapter 31, page 502 (UK version).

Slughorn then tries to make it up to Harry by …

Slash fan: " by…"

Me: "no!"

Slash fan:" I wasn't going to say anything" gets one of my very narrow-eyed glares "sorry"

…By pointing at his desk where he has pictures of Lily like some weird stalker type.

Lily: "tihi, you're never going to find me!"

James: "Lily, you're dead, stop talking to yourself."

As we come down to earth again, Harry walks over to the desk.

Slughorn: "all mine, my own! My precious! Muhahahaha! *Cough cough*.. Select students I mean."

We then get introduced to all of his stalking projects, and find Regulus Black among them, a great little detail, you only notice if you have read the seventh book.

Slughorn keeps talking about the Blacks and mentions Sirius.

HP-fans: "aaww, now Harry is going to be so sad."

Nonreaders: "oh no, not another movie with flashbacks of dead people."

HP-fans: "Sirius was important! If Cedric gets to get flashbacks Sirius HAS to get them too."

David Yates: begins to look a bit pale, and mumbles something about Cedric being hotter than Sirius.

Dumbledore then comes out from the toilet in a Bond like manner saying "mission accomplished". Okay maybe not. But he does have to muggle magazine in his hands.

Dumbledore asks if he can take the bloody thing because he enjoys doing weird old women like things.

Slughorn who doesn't even live there, says yes, and is disappointed that they already have to leave. Translated 'they' means Harry.

Dumbledore then talks some more, and is really a very bad actor.

They leave and Slughorn runs out after them, almost tripping.

Slughorn: in a childish demanding voice "I want a raise!"

Nonreaders: "isn't that a bit early. He hasn't even started yet, and he already wants a raise?"

Slughorn: "these are mad times we live in! Mad!"

An ugly looking man with an unnatural huge chin and enormous beard (no not Santa Claus): "madness? THIS IS SPARTA!!"

Harry: "sir, what exactly was all that about?"

Dumbledore: "you are talented, (Snape: snort) famous and powerful."

Slash fans: "and a boy." *Snicker*

Dumbledore: "Everything Horace values. He is going to try and collect you Harry."

Harry: "oh no, I'm going to be among the pictures of the people he is stalking aren't I?"

Dumbledore:" Yes, that's why he is returning to Hogwarts, so I would be very careful, when showering."

Harry: O_O help me

Dumbledore: "I fear I have stolen a wonderers night from you Harry. She was very… pretty. The girl."

Everyone who isn't Dumbledore: "yeah, right, this is the proof that Dumbledore indeed is gay. That girl has even worse hair than Hermione in a thunderstorm."

Harry: looks chocked at the other wizard "that's okay, ill just make some lame excuse. I'm good at that you know. "

Dumbledore: "*sigh*, yes I know Harry I know. But you won't return to Little Whinging tonight"

Harry: "is that a treat?!"

Dumbledore: grasps Harry and apparates away.

Harry lands in the water surrounding the Burrow. Apparently the Weasleys has seen it necessary to make a moat.

HP-fans: "Dumbledore would never let Harry fall in a moat! Where is the real Dumbledore in these movies?"

Nonreaders: "maybe it was a mistake"

HP-fans: " 'maybe it was a mistake' "(this is said in a mocking way)

Nonreaders: sticks out their tongues

HP-fans: "Dumbledore may not be perfect, but he IS the greatest wizard of all times, and he is PERFECTLY capable of apparating."

David Yates:" well yes he is, but making Harry wet is always fun"

HP-fans: shoots daggers with their eyes

Harry walks to the Burrow and smiles when he sees Ginny, sitting in the window, like some princess waiting for his rescue.

H/G shippers:" see that is cute. Give us some more of that."

Nonreaders:"what?"

Me: "what is that music? It makes me wanna puke. "

Now inside the house, we see Ginny walking to pick up a book, holding it in a minute or two before realizing that the white bird she is looking at is Hedwig. She drops the book and runs to the stairs too lazy to climb them she yells for her mummy, scared of the little birdie.

Ginny: "mum Harry's scary bird is in the living room"

Mrs. Weasley: "no Ginny I think I would know if Harry was here. Are you sure you haven't been taking more drugs?"

Ron: "drugs? Do we have more?"

Hermione: "is that a bird I hear?"

Me: "Why, no the peeping sound is obviously coming from a cow."

Harry: "here I am. No worries I know you all love me."

Ginny then practically jumps into the skinny boy, and hugs him like he has just returned from the dead

HP-fans: "no Ginny that's not until the last movie."

Nonreaders: "erh what? Who is that girl anyway.."

They then look at each other, and Ginny realizes that she is much taller than Harry, and silently curses herself for not having chosen to flirt with Draco instead.

Hermione then takes over with one of her annoying Harry-can't-breathe hugs that we just have to have at least two of in each movie.

HP-fans: "why does every director make it look like Hermione has a thing for Harry?"

Nonreaders: "doesn't she?"

HP-fans: *sigh* "no. she. doesn't."

H/Hr shippers: mumbling to the person beside them "she so does"

We now get to experience a hugging session, clearly inspired from Oprah.

: "why didn't you let us know you were coming"

Harry: "Dumbledore"

Nonreaders:" what kind of answer is that?"

Harry: "um okay sorry. I mean: Dumbledore that crazy maniac (Voldemort: hey! That's my title) thought it would be fun to drop me in your new moat, so that you could have something to clean again mrs. Weasley"

Mrs. Weasley: *blushes*"that man"

Ron then interrupts by touching Hermione's cheek.

R/H shippers: "aww, that's just so cute"

Ron: "you've got a bit of.. uhm… of.."

Someone with kinky thoughts (not me): "yes Ron? Think quickly!"

Ron: "toothpaste! Yes, its white toothpaste."

Hermione: looks over at Harry and mrs. Weasley giggling, while trying to hide her blushing face.

Now in Ron's room, the trio is sitting and burning a copy of The Daily Prophet.

Harry: "hehehehe me like fire!"

The door is open, and we get to see Crookshanks for ONE second in this movie, just like he was in ootp for FIVE seconds, but clearly he never makes it to Hogwarts.

They then talk about how Hermione almost couldn't come and about how dangerous everything is now.

Ron: "mum sort of lost it last week. It was not a pretty sight, at one point she was running around with a frying pan in her hand."

Harry: "oh come on!"

Hermione: "and she is not alone, even my parents have got frying pans you know"

Harry: "but this is Hogwarts were talking about? What could BE safer?"

Hermione: "people have been talking, and you know Dumbledore is getting a bit old"

Everyone: "getting a bit old?"

Harry: "NO! he's not old! He can't be more than.. well"

Ron: "150? Give or take a few?"

The trio then burst out laughing a rather fake laugh, and Harry once again makes his happy face when he looks at the pretty colors of the flames.

We slowly see the newspaper turn, dark music fills our ears again… and BAM there is Draco Malfoy. Not very dramatic if you ask me.

Dull grey buildings.

Nonreaders: "oh no more buildings. Where are we now?"

Readers: "hmm.. "

Bellatrix: "Cissy you can't do this!"

Readers: "ahh Spinders End"

Nonreaders: "what?"

The two women walk through an ally, and try to hide from some kids, by leaning up against a wall.

Kids: "you really think we're that stupid? We may not have magic, but we do have sight you know."

The scene is cut over to … a newspaper! Uhhh

Everyone:" erh.. whats wrong with you?"

Me: "me? Oh nothing I was born this way."

The ratguy then opens the door, and let them in.

Snape lets his paper fall down in an impassive manner.

Snape: "boh"

Wormtail: "arrrh!" Gets the door smacked in his face

Blond-woman-we-have-never-seen-before: "I shouldn't do this, but I can't stop now" *dramatic pause*

Nonreaders:" who is that? Why are there so many new characters?"

Readers: "just read the books god dammit!"

Nonreaders: "but then what's the point in calling us 'nonreaders'?"

Before we get to a big discussion lets get back to the scene.

Snape: "Bella don't touch that"

Bellatrix:" let's go of the 'object' only to touch something else"

Snape: "or that…or THAT!"

Bellatrix: crosses her arms mopping

Snape: "I know what it is you speak of"

Bellatrix:" you! How can you know?"

Snape:" well unlike someone, I'm not a nonreader."

Bellatrix: "you so are!"

Snape: "your sister doubts me Narcissa, just because she can't read anything that's longer than a childrens book. If she could she would know I have deceived one of the greatest wizards of all time."

Readers: "well, that's not a complete lie."

Bellatrix: pig grunt

Snape: "Dumbledore is great. He is like.. well.. 150? I only manage to get 39 so .. yeah"

Bellatrix: …

Narcissi: "but I don't doubt you!"

Bellatrix: "but if you only manage to get 39 shouldn't you be dead by now? You look kind of old ya know."

Snape: glare "okay I will help"

Narcissi: "great!"

Bellatrix: in a seductive whisper "make the unbreakable vow"

Everyone: ….

Bellatrix then circles Snape, and we all get the impression that she is a cheap whore.

Bellatrix: "when it matters most, he'll just slither back into his hole"

Slashfans: trying to calm down, and not laugh

Snape: "take out your wand"

Slashfans: tears streaming out from laughter "why do they keep saying that? stop saying that sentence! It kills us!"

Everyone else: "good."

They then make the so called unbreakable vow, which actually sounds a bit like a wedding ceremony.

Everyone: with Bellatrix as the minister? *shudder*

Bellatrix: "Muhahahahhaha!"

Narcissa takes her hand towards her head, and it looks like she has a hard time not licking her arm like Bellatrix did in ootp. It must be something that runs in the family.

A/N: okay, this is taking longer than I thought XD I don't really have so much inspiration anymore due to personal affairs, so if you want me to continue please tell me so and I will carry on, but if nobody likes this I can't get myself to finish it…

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I have written a few more scenes, but they don't follow each other. You are very welcome to read them if you like ^^

Different scenes

Following Malfoy

Then they pass a very lovely man (just my type) who is talking to the building…

Everyone: turns their heads to look at Yates

Yates: turns his own head just to realize he is sitting next to the wall.

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On the train

A pink fluffy ball sits on Ginny's shoulder.

Nonreaders: "… what the hell is that thing?"

Me: "to much pink!"

Readers:" why Yates? Why!? The Pygmy Puff is not important! Grrr"

A geeky fan: "it has a name you know! …Arnold."

Ahem ahem.. on with the story

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The welcoming feast

Dumbledore: "But today he is known by another name."

And Dumbledore doesn't even want us to know that name? You know Yates not everyone who sees these movies have all the characters in their heads. (only nerds.. not me!.. well yeah XD)

Nonreaders: "Who the hell is Tom Riddle?! And what a lousy name."

Dumbledore: "Every day, every hour"

Knock, knock

".. in this very minute in fact, dark forces attempt to penetrate these walls"

KNOCK,KNOCK

Ron:"erhm, actually Dumbledore I think that's just my pizza coming"

Pizza guy: "hello? Delivery?"

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Orphanage memory

Tom: "I'm not mad!"

Everyone: "riiiight.. of course you aren't. You're the sanest person on the planet"

Voldemort: sneer

Everyone: ^^ innocent smile

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The bathroom scene

A very sexy Draco is standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom that is supposed to be the same that leads to the chamber of secrets.

Draco is crying, frustrated with himself, and the audience are either confused, trying hard not to laugh or actually reaching out their hand to help before realizing that their boyfriend is watching them in a Snape like manner with one raised eyebrow.

Harry sneaks in, and the slash fans are grinning. Harry and Draco in a bathroom, how could it possibly get any better?

Slash fans: "well if Snape came"

Everyone else: gives them a nervous side glance "riiiight"

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The cave scene

Then Harry falls in the water… once again in this movie -.-

Hp-fans: "grrr you did it again Yates!"

Yates: looks at the ceiling mumbling "I think it's funny"

Dumb-dork to the rescue!

Another fire/water scene occurs, and we all get déjà vu feelings towards the fifth movie.

Everyone (or just me?): "Honestly Yates. Be more creative."

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Astronomy tower scene

Snape approaches Harry and makes a 'sshh' motion, that gives slash fans some very disturbing images.

Harry as stupid as he is in this movie, just looks dumbstruck at Snape, and probably has some thoughts that can't be explained further in this T-rated fic.

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(Dumbledore falling)

Then a totally idiotic slow-motion scene takes place that makes people cry in laughter (well people meaning me and my friend)

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Battle scene

Here comes a very very disappointing scene.

The nonreader's get the explanation that Snape is the half blood prince (uhh shocker!), but not why he is.

Then we got practically no fighting, Harry just lay there!

Canon Harry: "what the hell are you doing?! Where is the anger? The urge to kill? He just bloody killed your mentor! Hell he killed his own mentor! And you just lie down, and play dead?! What are you? Some kind of possum?"

Well that's what I have written so far. I really hope you liked it, and I would be very grateful if you would leave a review :)

And also I'm sorry for the spelling mistakes; I'm not perfect, not even in my own language XD