Prompt from the skyrimkinkmeme:
So the Dragonborn can pick up a total of five Housecarls throughout the game. Three female, two male. Personally, Lydia was my first, and my favorite.
Cue rampant jealousy from all the others who want to spend some quality time with the super-sexy Dovahkiin.
Bonus points for no-holds-barred Iona/Jordis/Lydia catfight.

First part in the "I Am Not a Chew toy!" trilogy. Reviews are welcomed.

The Bee and Barb, Riften

The night was young at the inn and most of the regulars were either crowded around the bar or at the few placed tables, demanding food or drink from the two Argonians. At one table near the wall sat a rather excited female Dunmer and her quiet Khajiit companion. Both were dressed in robes belonging to the College of Winterhold.

"Wow, this is really good." Brelyna Maryon took another sip of the soup. "What is this?"

"It's just tomato soup with cheese," the Arch-Mage commented before taking a bite out of her mammoth steak.

"It's fantastic." Brelyna continued to eat the soup and soon finished it, in record time. With a happy sigh, she placed the spoon on the table. "Thank you Arch-Mage."

The Khajiit shrugged her shoulders as she finished her drink. "It's nothing really. Besides, this is one of the few times we will be able to relax before our journey back to Winterhold. And I do have a name Brelyna."

The apprentice nodded, "Of course M'rasha. But I didn't want to thank you just for the dinner. It's for taking me with you to Forelhost and letting me fight the cultists and Draugr and the Dragon Priest and that really big dragon we saw outside of Snow-Shod Farm and letting me keep the staff and...

"Slow down there," the Dragonborn chuckled as Brelyna stopped and calmed herself. "And you are most welcome. Though I didn't expect to run into that blood dragon."

"But it was no problem for you!"

"Oh yeah? How many times did it toss me into the river?" M'rasha waved to one of the Argonians. "Two crème treats Talen-Jei." Talen-Jei walked into the kitchen, returned moments later with the two treats and placed them on the table. The two dug into the pastries and their conversation traveled into the mundane until a familiar voice reached the Dragonborn's ears.

"My Thane." M'rasha raised her head and watched as a woman with

short auburn hair, adorned in armor, walk towards the pair.

"Iona! Come and have a drink." Iona grabbed an empty chair and placed it at their table while M'rasha ordered a tankard for the other woman.

"This is Brelyna. She's a student at the College at Whiterun. Brelyna, this is Iona, my housecarl. It's been a while since I've been in town. Nothing too major has happened?"

Talen-Jei walked over and set down three tankards of ale before disappearing into the crowd. Iona emptied the mug in one go. "Nothing out of the ordinary..."

The Dunmer's red eyes widened. "Wait. 'My Thane'? You're a Thane?"

"It's a long story..." The Khajiit responded nonchalantly as if they were talking about the weather.

"Pardon me M'rasha," the Nord interrupted. "The Jarl asked me to pass on a message. It seems that the bandits from Fort Greenwall are preparing to attack the city. The Jarl has ask-"

"My Thane!" The three women turned there heads and watched as a woman, also dressed in armor, staggered into the inn, out of breath. Without a word, M'rasha was out of her chair and rushed towards the exhausted woman. She placed the woman's right arm around her neck and slowly guided her to her empty chair.

Once in the chair M'rasha gently lifted the warrior's helmet, revealing a head of fair hair. The Khajiit was amazed and perplexed. Jordis was another one of her housecarls but from the other side of Skyrim. How did the Nord know where she was? "Jordis? What are you doing here?"

Jordis slumped over, her head hitting the table as she attempted to take in air. "I had...heard..."

M'rasha grabbed one of the mugs and handed it to the woman. "Here. Drink." Jordis grabbed the tankard and drank the contents before letting out a sound of approval. "Running all the way here can tire out a person."

"Feeling better?"

The sword maiden nodded. "Yes. Much thanks to you."

"Now what was so important that you had to run all the way from Solitude?"

Jordis retrieves a scroll from her parcel. "The Jarl needs your help. It seems that some more vampires have taken up residence in Pinemoon Cave to the west of Solitude and began kidnapping..."

"My Thane!"

By the Divines, do I have some sort of tracking spell on me that allows my followers to find me?

"Lydia?" The brunette walked into the inn towards M'rasha, a look of determination in her eyes. The two shook hands. "How are you faring friend?"

"Very well, thank you. I have a request for your aid." Lydia ushered the Arch-Mage away from the table, behind Iona. "I have word from Danica Pure-Spring in Whiterun. She has discovered a way to cure the Gildergreen and needs your help."

Jordis sprung from her chair and faced the Whiterun native, "She will help you once she has finished her business in Solitude."

"Only after she's done helping Riften, you pampered serf," Iona remarked with an air of antipathy. The blonde scowled, pushed herself out of the chair and moved closer to Iona, her hand near the hilt of her sword.

"What did you just say, trash?"

"I said that my thane will go to your Dominion loving city," Iona rose from the chair, "Once she is done aiding the Rift."

She knew what was going to happen. Hell, the whole tavern knew what was going to happen but before M'rasha could react, before she could separate the two volatile forces and calm them down, Jordis struck, punching Iona in the jaw.

The Riften native reeled back from the blow, tripped on the chair behind her and stumbled to the floor. The sudden strike plunged the inn into silence. All eyes were on Iona and Jordis. The silence snapped M'rasha out of her daze and she immediately moved towards the downed housecarl. Iona got onto her knees, grabbed a displaced tankard and hurled it at the blonde and M'rasha. Instead of hitting her target, both the Thane and Jordis ducked the flying projectile and Iona watched as it nailed Lydia in the head.

The entire inn erupted in laughter. A very angry Lydia rushed towards the auburn haired warrior, shoving Jordis aside, and tackled Iona, sending the two to the floor. Lydia aimed a flurry of punches at Iona's head. Jordis grabbed her hair and began to pull her off. She was able to twist her body and attacked, sending the two into another table. The women pulled and punched and kicked. And once Iona was up she joined the dog pile.

M'rasha growled and marched up to the fighting women and grabbed Joris' arm. "Stop it. You're embarrassing yourselves!" M'rasha turned her head and spotted a familiar face. "Mjoll! A little help please?"

"Of course." Mjoll grabbed Iona and dragged her away from the brunette. Talen-Jei and Brelyna grabbed hold of Lydia and helped her off the floor.

"The three of you need to settle down before the guards come in and throw the lot of you in jail. And I will not bail you out!" Instead of getting compliance from the three, M'rasha received an elbow to the eye from the still twisting Jordis and sent the older woman stumbling into a wayward chair, stunning her for a few moments.

Now free, Jordis unsheathed her sword and launched herself at Lydia. The Whiterun native pushed the Dunmer and Argonian away and jumped back, avoiding the swing. She pulled out a scroll and soon launched a fireball at the blonde.

Iona jerked her head backwards, causing Mjoll to drop her and cover her now broken nose. Iona wasted no time, drawing her dagger and jumped into the fray. Swords and daggers met in a flash of sparks. Tables and chairs were used as projectiles. And it looked like the chaos would never end.

"ZUN HAAL VIK!" The dagger, swords and shields flew out of their hands and towards the stairs. The three turned their heads and their stomachs dropped. There stood M'rasha, face convulsed in anger. Her ears were pricked upwards and her tail twitched rapidly. Both of her hands crackled with cold.

"Get out." The housecarls looked at each other and then to their Thane.

"But..." M'rasha advanced and brought her hands together, creating an ice spike.

"OUT!" The three of them scrambled out of the inn, bowling down anyone in their way. Once they were gone, M'rasha looked around and surveyed the damage.

To say the inn was damaged was a mild understatement. The majority of the tables and chairs had been destroyed. There was extensive damage to the floor and the ceiling. Numerous bottles of ale and wine were reduced to piles of liquid and broken glass. And somehow a chair had embedded itself into one of the walls.

M'rasha rubbed her temples trying to soothe the sudden headache. This could not get any worse.

"Ahem." She turned and saw Talen-Jei, Keerava, and Unimid Snow-Shod standing near the entrance, all looking less than pleased. "We need to talk about your housecarls' behavior," stated the Jarl's housecarl.

"As well as the reparations needed in order to fix the inn," Keerava hissed angrily.

"And the money to cover the business we lose while the inn is closed for repairs," Talen-Jei added.

I stand corrected.