Here in these deep city lights
Girl could get lost tonight
I'm finding every reason to be gone
There's nothing here to hold on to
Could I hold you?
-Sara Bareilles - City
Cloth rippling under their hands, curtains snapped shut, silencing spell whispered.
The sound of the shower surrounded her. Water was pouring out of the sprout and encompassing her in its warmth. She smoothed her dark auburn hair back and blinked back the tears that were hovering at the corners of her eyes. She was utterly alone in the dormitory; everyone was outside enjoying the warm spring day. Right now, however, she didn't want to see or talk to anybody.
It was the first time Rose Weasley had sex. It was her first time at the age of 17.
She didn't really see it as that big of a deal. It was something inevitable that most people did at one point in their lives and therefore it was bound to happen sooner or later. Did it matter if it was sooner for her?
Perhaps that's why it felt so wrong. Rose felt violated in ways she couldn't explain. And she didn't know why.
Rose closed her eyes and just stood under the falling water, letting the steam fill the small shower around her. It was refreshing to breathe in the hot, humid air and she just needed peace for the moment.
It was her first time for sex, but she didn't really feel like that was the reason for her anxieties. Sex was something that Rose didn't really have a strong opinion on. A day earlier, she was weirdly indecisive about the whole thing. She didn't know if she wanted her boyfriend, Nicoli Kürig, to be her 'first' and she didn't know if she even cared if he was or wasn't.
Was she ready? The honest answer was that she didn't know. She didn't feel not ready, she just felt. . . nothing about the whole thing. She couldn't describe it. Sex was something she'd never experienced before so she didn't know how she could have an opinion of it beforehand. Rose was unquestionably mechanical in her thinking to the point where the physical aspect of it didn't scare her.
The fact that her clothes would be coming off was the biggest psychological barrier in her mind. Clothes were protection; they hid her body and all its imperfections under a layer of metaphorical armour. They gave her security. Because she had never been intimate with anyone, especially without clothes, it was a huge deal to unreservedly expose her vulnerabilities to her boyfriend and be subject to anything he might say. Clothes came and went; there were new styles, colours, and fabrics every day of the year. Her body was hers though. Alone hers. There were modifications that could be made to it of course, but her body was a physical representation of what and who she was. Shagging her boyfriend for the first time, fumbling around with clothes and trusting him in a completely different way than before was something new to her.
His mouth was hot and heavy against hers. His hands were under her shirt.
But she managed to push through that mental block. That wasn't why it all felt wrong.
Rose wracked her brains again. There was something big settled on her chest at this moment; this heavy weight reminding her that something wasn't right. The tears still tickling her eyes weren't for nothing. What did she miss?
She had been dating Nicoli for four months. He was a confident boy, not very popular, but always sure of himself. Rose was sure that he wasn't in the shower right now, troubling about seemingly trivial things after just having sex. He wasn't the sort.
Nicoli had beautiful hazel eyes and short black hair, with a muscular build that was at least twice her width and only a little bit taller. He was somebody she knew since her first year at Hogwarts and she also knew that it wasn't his first time for sex; he had shagged a different girl the previous year.
She liked Nicoli. She really did. . .
She was sure?
He had this way of making her feel wanted; of making her feel special and that she was the only girl in the world for him. He held her hand as they walked from class to class, studied in the library with her, and always seemed to be touching her some way – with their feet intertwined or his hand on her leg. When he hugged her, he squeezed her tightly and she felt truly loved to be there in his arms. He seemed like the perfect boyfriend, honestly, and her friends always gushed about how Rose was so lucky to be dating him.
Her shirt came off and his soon followed. This was moving very fast. She could feel his excitement but didn't return it as enthusiastically though she still felt the physical effects. Her breathing picked up and her toes curled as his mouth descended from her mouth, to her neck, to her chest.
There were a few things she didn't quite like about Nicoli that prevented her from agreeing with her friends all the time. Sure, he made her feel important, but sometimes he was possessive of her to the point of annoying. He always had to be around her, even when she just wanted to have some space. He would get fidgety when she talked to some of the boys in their year, either give glares from nearby or he would be right next to her with his arm wrapped around her, making sure that the person she was talking to knew that she was taken.
At first she didn't mind, because she felt special. He made her feel like she was the only girl in the world for him. But she started to have doubts about it a month ago when he got weird around her brother's friends. She tried talking with her own friends about it, but they convinced her that it was a good thing he cared so much.
Rose finally turned the shower off and stepped out, almost slipping on the ceramic tile floor. She wrapped one of the fuzzy green towels around her and walked to the mirror. Gently using one hand, she wiped the condensation from the surface and stared at her reflection. Her eyes looked green. But that was only because the towel was green. When she wore blue, her eyes reflected that colour too. She had exactly thirteen freckles on her nose and cheeks, which was something that hadn't changed in years. Her hair was wet so it looked like almost black in colour, but in reality it was dark auburn. She didn't look any different because of having sex. She looked the same.
The good aspects of Nicoli outweighed the bad and when he wanted to move their relationship along further she found herself agreeing because it was naturally the next step in a relationship.
She couldn't think of a reason to say no. But if she was asked, which she wasn't, she couldn't think of a reason to object either.
Rose wished she knew how she felt about it. Even now, since she'd done it, she just felt meh. She was a bit sore from it of course, but otherwise she still didn't know what to think. Sure, she was uneasy about revealing her body to a boy, but it was past and done. It was an insecurity she didn't show him and he probably didn't even realise existed within her.
Empty. Maybe that's the word she wanted. She just felt hollow, made of nothing; just an inconsequential person in the large world.
At the same time as all those bewildering thoughts, there was still the fact that something wasn't right. There was a little alarm at the forefront of her mind that was going off; warning her. She just couldn't place it.
As if she didn't have enough stuff to worry about with NEWTS approaching.
After getting dressed in a pair of soft brown shorts and a dark yellow top she walked down to the Great Hall for supper and sat down by herself at a random table. It was earlier in the evening so none of her friends had come in from playing Quidditch outside yet, and Nicoli was still in his dormitory. Normally she would get him before she went down because he always wanted to eat meals with her, but she didn't today.
Sweaty skin against sweaty skin, the heavy pants. The movements back and forth, his fingers pulling her hair. The brief pain, the exhilarating feeling. He collapsed on top of her, leaving her feeling slightly flattened.
Plagued by her thoughts as she was, she ended up people watching more than eating. And then her eyes wandered over to 'the dream couple' of Hogwarts. Scorpius Malfoy and Ester Wiggins. The the smartest, nicest boy, with the intelligent, athletic girl. They were one of those couples that you never would have predicted, but now that they were together you couldn't imagine them apart.
Rose would call them acquaintances, but no more than that. They started dating the same time as her and Nicoli and Rose couldn't help but compare Nicoli and Scorpius against each other. And it wasn't the first time she compared them. She knew it was horrible to do but she couldn't help it, especially right now.
Scorpius was taller and thinner than Nicoli. Even though Rose had been his partner only once in second year and never really talked to him after in the following years, she could recall the colour of his eyes to be light blue. Scorpius had gone six years with naturally blonde hair. However, just the past year he dyed it to a dark chocolate brown colour for reasons Rose couldn't fathom.
Just like Nicoli, Scorpius wasn't the most popular fellow in the school. When Rose was being observant, the biggest difference she noticed between Nicoli and Scorpius was in attitude. The latter really respected his girlfriend and Rose could see it. The way he acted around her and with her just showed how much esteem he held for her. Secretly, Rose wondered about Nicoli. He treated her like she would break at a moment's notice. Sometimes she convinced herself that she liked it, but other times she didn't want him touching her all the time. And he didn't need to constantly be at her side. She didn't know if her boyfriend truly respected her. That thought scared her.
And why was she having all these dark thoughts now? Ester left the Great Hall and Rose, after smashing her cooked peas into an indistinguishable mass with her fork, left too, making her way outside to sit by the Black Lake. Her few friends had been congregated just outside the entrance and Rose hid in the shadows until they passed by. She didn't want them to see her. She needed time to think by herself.
Rose eventually found herself leaning against one of the large rocks by the water's edge, closer to the Forbidden Forest than the castle. She was hidden from view and had her arms wrapped loosely around her knees. She was staring out across the calm lake.
There were no ripples that marred the surface of the lake, no wind to disturb it. It was silence personified. There was a raven briefly cawing in the background, but all the school sounds were blocked out by distance.
Rose still couldn't pinpoint where her anxiety was coming from. It wasn't shagging itself; that was just the trigger.
Her mind wandered until she remembered what she'd forgotten.
"Mine," he whispered in her ear, breathing hard after they just finished. "All mine."
She supposed that comment was meant to be erotic. Make her feel good.
Instead it made her cold and sick to her stomach. This was the alarm going off in her head. After he said it to her, Rose remembered going numb. Nicoli had wrapped her in his arms and she just laid there, stiff and unmoving. Eventually she got up, found her clothes and left to go to her dorm and shower.
Rose stood up then and started pacing back and forth, the rocks rubbing together under her feet. It was just a silly comment. A stupid silly comment that he thought was okay. But it wasn't okay. The tears started tickling her eyes again and she angrily rubbed at them.
She wasn't a possession to be owned by anybody. It was ignorant on his part to make it. She wasn't 'his' at all. She was her own person.
"Ooh, I'm sorry!" a voice said behind her, a voice that Rose was unfamiliar with. "The rock blocked you from view, which I suppose must have been the point. I'm sorry I interrupted your thoughts."
The voice was Ester. And she didn't look too sorry at all, she looked curious and frustrated.
"No. . . no it's okay. You're welcome to stay," said Rose, not stopping her slow marching back and forth across the rocks. The rubbing sound was comforting to her. She didn't offer an explanation for her antics. If it was her friends she probably would have left to find a different spot to pace, but she didn't know Ester personally so she didn't care if she was judged by her.
With great dexterity for someone so small, Ester jumped up on the large rock. Her long brown hair was done up in an intricate braid around her head and she laid down with her small hands clasped on her chest, watching the puffy white clouds slowly move across the blue sky. They didn't say anything else to each other at the moment.
Rose continued pacing for half an hour whilst Ester stayed up on the rock, looking at the sky.
"Have you ever regretted anything?" asked Rose suddenly. She didn't even know if Ester was awake anymore but she just had to ask. Ester would be unbiased in opinion; they didn't know each other so Rose hoped that she would be honest to her.
"Yes. . . and no," came her soft reply. "I might regret whatever happened for a few moments, but there is always something to be learned that I value more."
Rose didn't regret shagging Nicoli. She was just angry and felt humiliated. Did he not value her as a person? Looking back at their relationship for the past few months he always was there, always touching her; as if she were his possession. It was wrong. So wrong. She knew she was uncomfortable with it half the time, she told him multiple times that he didn't always have to be there.
Ester broke through Rose's thoughts with her own question. "Have you ever been afraid of how people would react if you did something against what was considered acceptable?"
"Yes," Rose said without a moment's hesitation. "I try not to let it influence my decisions though. . . I want to make my choices for me, not for anybody else."
That fine line was blurred for her though. She knew she let her friends influence her quite a bit and sometimes her family held similar sway. The distinction between her perceptions and reality were becoming more obvious to her. Back and force she walked. She and Ester were obviously both doing profound thinking.
"Have you. . . " Rose took a deep breath, reaching deep and opening up. "Have you ever had doubts about a relationship you were in? Even when everybody says you're perfect together all the time?"
Ester raised her hand to the sky, letting it hang loosely in the stillness. "More than you know." She gave a garbled laugh and dropped her hand. "I have so many doubts and I don't know what to do."
The stories eventually emerged. Bit by bit they opened up to each other under the blue sky. Ester revealed how she was trying to work up the nerve to break up with Scorpius, how her whole family approved of them together and her friends absolutely adored him.
"Everyone loves him more than I do," she admitted. "Almost all of Hogwarts. I just don't want to disappoint everybody. The more that people tell me that he's perfect for me and we're adorable together, the more I dislike him."
Rose told Ester everything about Nicoli. It was something she hadn't voiced in quite the same light to her friends back at the castle but voicing all her troubles to Ester, who was just in the right place at the right time, made everything seem clearer.
Ester then told Rose something big. Something Rose never even considered or imagined possible, but it sealed all her thoughts and left her pacing more aggressively than before.
The sun was setting in the evening when the two headed back to the castle. The rich reds and oranges of the sky didn't distract them. They both were decided on one similar point.
Rose didn't go straight to Nicoli. She went to the lavatory off the first floor and locked herself in a stall, thinking of how she wanted to tell him that she was breaking it off with him. She spent more time than she wanted in that stall, working up the courage. She left before she was ready.
She knew exactly where Nicoli would be, and so started looking everywhere but there to give her even more time to think things through. Eventually, it was the only place left and she could delay no longer. Rose went to his common room and motioned for him to follow her out to an empty corridor that was lit by a few candles some ways away out of everyone's ears.
"Where were you?" he said hurriedly. "I've been looking everywhere for you. Are you okay?" He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close to him, planting a kiss on her forehead.
She felt disgusted by his actions and pushed away, leaving more than a metre between them. She needed room to breathe. That was phase one of her plan.
He looked surprised at her. "What are you doing?"
"I'm not 'yours.' You don't own me," Rose said, hands clenched by her side, fingernails digging into her palm. "I am a human being and not an object. I should be able to make friends with whomever I please without having to worry about you being jealous and being there all the time."
Nicoli's eyes narrowed at her. "What are you talking about? Who have you been talking to?"
Rose stopped him. "I don't need to be coddled all the time, or touched. In fact, I like having space." She swung her arms around her to demonstrate the fact.
Nicoli grabbed one of her swinging hands and pulled her close to him. She shoved him off again and took some steps back. Second phase now. "I don't want to be touched. . . I'm breaking up with you. I don't like our relationship, I don't like how you treat me, and I especially don't like the fact that you feel the need to snog my best friend behind my back. We're done."
The surprise on his face was enough to confirm what Ester had just told her and condemn him; she took a deep breath and turned to walk away but then felt two hands on her shoulder roughly pushing her into the wall.
"Is this you acting out?" he whispered angrily in her ear. "We've gone four months without a fight - you've never complained before. Is this because we shagged? You said you wanted to do it."
No, she didn't say she wanted to. She really didn't say anything confirmative; he just took it as that. She could feel a tender spot forming on her face and her elbow hurt from the extra pressure exerted on it now after it had already hit the wall. She could make out the individual sediments in the grey stone in front of her eyes and stared at them, not even trying to fight back. "Let go of me," Rose said patiently.
Instead of letting her go, he pushed her harder. "We're not breaking up because you got cold feet after sex. We belong together, we're perfect."
No, they weren't perfect. Rose could understand why Ester had started to resent Scorpius. Nobody was perfect. No relationship was perfect. Everyone was flawed in the whole bloody world.
Nicoli wasn't done talking however. "Is this because Ester and Scorpius broke up? It's already all around the school. I won't be the next fool, blindsided by their girlfriend. We're still together."
Rose didn't say anything; she just let him vent. She had never seen this side of him and didn't know how to respond to it.
When Nicoli paused in his speech, she could hear hear footsteps nearby, coming closer. Nicoli quickly backed away from her and Rose stiffly turned around so her back was now against the wall to face him.
It was a dazed Scorpius who came wandering into view. He ran his hand nervously through his tousled dyed hair when he saw the two of them, thinking he was interrupting something intimate. His expression looked rather vacant, and he looked tired. He almost turned back around, but stayed after a double take at Rose's fearful face in the flickering candlelight.
"Is. . . is everything all right?" he asked unsurely.
"Yes," scowled Nicoli. Scorpius wasn't even looking at him though. He was looking at Rose with a frown. She wasn't sure what expression was on her face, but she felt utterly alone. She broke his gaze and looked to the ground.
". . . Rose?"
She looked up, startled, but decided. "Yes, I was just leaving. Sorry." She then turned to Nicoli and paused for a half second in front of him. There were still many things she didn't know how to put to words she needed to say, but it was best to be simple.
"Goodbye."
It was a final goodbye. Nicoli didn't say anything back because of the company. She gave a faint smile in thanks to Scorpius, if you could even call it that, and then turned down the corridor, not paying attention to where her feet were taking her.
She wandered around the school for a few hours, encountering no professors or prefects, no ghosts or students.
It was all mechanical still, she felt like a robot, or a puppet on strings. It was a persisting feeling the whole day for her. Tears came around midnight, and stayed this time, creating little rivers down her face. Rose curled up in one of the windows on the second floor. She put her sore cheek and elbow against the cool glass and looked out.
She felt stupid. How could she have ignored so much? She was with Nicoli for four bloody months. She felt betrayed by everyone. Both him and her friends.
"I feel the same way. . . " a voice said to her left. Rose almost fell off the window ledge in surprise. She peeped around the corner and saw Scorpius sitting in the adjacent window.
"You woke me up," he confessed. "You were mumbling."
"How – how long have you been here?" asked Rose as she tried to wipe the tears from her eyes.
Scorpius looked out the window to give her time to compose herself. "I've been here since I encountered you and Kürig in the hallway. I didn't want to go back to my dorm; I didn't want to see anybody, really. . ."
"I'm sorry," Rose said in a small voice. She hadn't noticed him when she sat down here. She didn't notice anything.
"There's nothing to be sorry for. I wouldn't have spoken out if I didn't have something to say to you."
"Oh."
Rose turned her gaze back outside to the skies. She didn't know how she felt about talking with Scorpius right now when she and Ester had a conversation about him hours earlier.
"He doesn't deserve you."
Rose didn't look at Scorpius. She tried to hold her tears in, but they came steadily out again.
"Anybody who hurts you doesn't deserve you. Nicoli never treats women properly. . . It's hard when he starts dating someone because I just want to go to that person and warn them, but you can't do that to people you don't know, and it's not fair. You should never hold the past against someone. I'm sorry I didn't say anything though. I just – I didn't know if it would have been right."
"No, it's okay. I understand. . . everyone deserves a fair chance."
But why did it have to be with her? Why couldn't she have been warned about him, instead of idolizing him because he made her feel special? It was like Ester said though, there was always something to be learned that was of value. She now knew what type of guy he was. And she knew what she couldn't stand it in a relationship. She was independent; she belonged to nobody but herself.
She wouldn't be belittled by a boy.
The worst thing was probably the fact that she still didn't know how she felt about having sex with Nicoli. For the moment, she didn't really feel physically different or mentally changed. She didn't regret doing it for she would probably still be dating him otherwise, but she also didn't find comfort in the thought.
She and Scorpius continued their quiet sparse chat until the wee hours of the morning. Afterwards, he accompanied her to the hospital wing for a few quick healing spells and then walked her back to her common room.
"Goodnight," he said to her with a tight smile. His clothes were rumpled and his hair a mess, but he didn't seem to notice. They were just two of the broken hearts in the school, possibly not the only ones holding a nighttime vigil.
"We'll be okay," Rose softly said to him. "This will all pass and don't let what anybody says bother you."
"Thanks Rose."
He nodded to her and she entered the common room, shutting the door gently behind her. Talking a few deep breaths she walked up the stairs to her bed, avoiding looking at the other beds in the room as much as she could. After climbing into her own bed, she shut the curtains tight around her.
She would have to face her friends and ex-boyfriend again in a few hours. She would have to listen to her best friend try to justify what she was doing and she would have to listen to school gossip for the next few weeks.
But this was just the flipping of a page in the proverbial lifebook. After NEWTS finished in two months time she was off into the world. Nothing would be holding her back; she wouldn't let anyone slow her down.
She closed her tear-filled eyes.
La fin
A/N: I know this won't be a very popular story, but it was written for a reason and I hope some of you are able to take something from it. It was inspired by a news event that happened a few months ago and the controversy that came up with the media. We live in the 21st century. Women are not 'things' or 'possessions' to be owned by men (or other women). I unfortunately see it written quite a bit in fanfiction - which I find odd considering the majority of writers here are female. Equality, people. Please. Write it, live it. Don't ever let anybody make you feel less than who you actually are. Don't ever be talked into doing something you are not ready for. Don't ever be lead to believe that something is right, if you sometimes have misgivings.