It's been so long since then, but it's best that I've forgotten.
After all, I can't hold onto much anymore.
The whispers, the darkness... It was all we had.
The only release.
"Hyung,"
That one syllable, something I heard every day. You used to whisper it to only me, and I'd kiss you softly, your lips deadly sweet.
Maybe I haven't forgotten after all.
But that just means the hand around my heart will only tighten its grip.
"Hyung, you're the only one for me," He smirked at me.
I frowned.
"Stop calling me that,"
A grin.
"Yoochun-ah."
I grinned back, moving against his hips. "You tease."
You were like a drug, and I couldn't ever get enough. I could never shake the memory of your hands, your skin, your everything ...
It was distracting, to say the least.
I kissed his collarbone, running my hands down his stomach and across his chest.
I could feel his fingers in my hair as he made a soft noise in his throat, a slight sound.
I felt the vibration of his vocal chords on my lips, so I kissed him again.
I'm not saying it was a bad distraction. How could it have been bad? My God, it was sweeter than candy.
But, 'how could it have been bad,' indeed. We tried, tried so hard to keep it a secret. What would have the others thought if they knew?
That kind of inhibition...
You might as well have killed me right there.
Tensed against him, he stared up at me with heartbreakily dark eyes, willing me to go.
So I do.
Pushing inside, I tried to keep the strokes steady as he lurched beneath me, fingers moving from my hair to my back, as if he's holding on for dear life. "Hy..Hyung-" He gasped, cried out in the back of his throat. "Hyung, it..."
It was such joy, even listening to you speak.
The way my name sounded coming from your lips, the way your lips curled around the consonants and inevitably into a smile.
It made me think about forever, and that's how it seemed, you and me. Forever.
Speeding up slightly, his fingernails had come in contact with my skin.
"Hy.. Yoochun-ah," I could hardly understand him. "S-Say my name,"
But it wouldn't last. It couldn't.
I couldn't.
There were two parts of myself, almost complete opposites: The Yoochun and the Mickey.
And the Mickey in me couldn't let anyone know, had to keep up the appearance that I- we- were just as the fans thought we were.
I was silent, still trying to keep the strokes steady without sending myself over the edge.
His voice was at the point of desperation now, wavering prettily as he scrabbled at my back.
"Hyung, just say it! I want to hear your voice..."
I was so self-conscious that it made me sick.
The only thing that mattered were what other people thought of me. No, the sheet I put up over my true self. The little appearances and the little things all mattered so much...
It was truly sickening.
I pressed my lips against his and he gives a low moan, long and slow.
"Please..."
His words melded with my breath, and I couldn't tell where I ended and he began.
I grit my teeth, moving my lips away from his and pressing my forehead into his shoulder.
I almost hated the Dong Bang Shin Ki that made me think this way.
I almost wanted to stand up and walk away, break free of the appearances and be free of that name that they gave me, and only be Yoochun. And you would only be-
"Changmin... Changmin-ah," Stars exploded in front of of our eyes and I collapsed on top of him, still whispering that name into his ear, against his neck, into his mouth, anywhere, anywhere that would accept it.
His breathing was calming now, eyes closed in evident peace.
All those sweet words, sweet whispers, with so much skin to share.
I often ask myself how I can manage to forget these memories, but then I remember-
I'm still Mickey, and I can't stop being Mickey.
Leaving him behind would mean leaving you behind, Choikang.
"Hyung... Yoochun-ah, I..."
His voice barely above a whisper, sleep laced into the corners. He wrapped his arms about me in a childlike manner,
laying against me like it was the most natural thing in the world.
He didn't finish what he was saying, but I knew what he meant.
"I love you too, Changmin-ah."