Warnings: Drug use. Um, depressive thoughts? I don't know. Nothing really, just drug use.
A/N: I wrote this at like 3:30 am last night because a. I was bored b. I missed angsty!Drarry and c. because I had this song stuck in my head. Basically, this is just what happens when you allow me to have a computer at 3:30 am on a weekend. Nonetheless, enjoy

If you ever leave me baby,
Leave some morphine at my door
Cause it would take a whole lot of medication
To realize what we used to have,
We don't have it anymore.

I didn't think. I didn't see. I didn't smell or hear or anything. I just closed my eyes and let the liquid travel through my veins, turning them to ice, or freezing iron. Everything felt numb, sluggish. Like when there's a small light on in a dark place, and you move it around, seeing the trace it leaves. That's what I felt like. But even now, with the dose increased, it didn't work as well as it once did. I kept having to take more of it, and I didn't even worry that I was now almost fully dependant on the drug. I slumped back against the wall, letting the syringe drop to the tiled floor with a clatter. I was in my bathroom. The tiles were cold and a little dirty, the window cracked open so the cool winter air filtered inside. But I couldn't feel any of those things. I couldn't feel anything. I smiled, or at least I tried to, as the familiar numbness settled in completely. My mind was foggy, not letting me think straight, and my sight was even worse than usual. I took off my glasses. Sure enough, all I could see now were colours.

Blue. Green. Light yellow.

I wondered what it would be like if life was this basic. You open your eyes, and all you can see is colour. You can't mourn, you can't think, you can't feel, you can't love. You can only see the colours. Nothing more to life. Maybe it would be better that way. Nothing would really have a point, but then again, does anything have a point now? I blinked a few times, holding on to the edge of the sink to hoist myself to my feet. The morphine threw me of balance, and I stumbled, almost falling face first onto the floor. My glasses were still in my pocket. I pulled them out, and settled them back on my face.

Judging by the colour I could faintly distinguish outside, it was around 1:30am. I was at my apartment. My apartment. That had come to mean nothing to me, after all this time. The only times I ever came here anymore were to do… well, this. But even I had to admit, the times for this had been increasing considerably. I tried to remember where I had been before this, but my mind felt like the open air and I felt like I was in the ocean. The more I tried to reach up far enough to breathe, the more the waves pushed me back, making all my memories muffled and unclear. After a second, though, my blurry vision caught sight of a glint of silver. Just that was enough for everything to come flooding back, although I knew it was also the effects of the morphine, already fading. It used to last me hours. Now I was lucky if it lasted me 30 minutes.

I stumbled a little, adjusting to this new, clearer perception of the world. My hand extended, and closed over the small, silver ring, and then I couldn't understand how I'd forgotten. I couldn't forget his blonde hair peeking out from the green bed covers, his laughter filling the room. The way he looked at me when I tried to cook something the muggle way. The way he'd stepped in that day, two little red velvet boxes in hand, and we'd traded these rings. Little did we know we'd be throwing them at each other only months later.

The morphine was almost completely gone, now, and all I wanted to do was call him. Pick up the phone and dial his number and wait until his stupid pureblood brain deciphered what to do for the billionth time, and then apologize and apologize and apologize. The ring dropped from between my fingers, and it began to spin on the floor. I watched it for a while, until it tumbled over on its side, and lay still.

Why had we fought? What had even happened? I could only remember pain. Pain and anger and more pain. But I knew Draco would never hurt me on purpose. He'd been nothing but perfect to me ever since the war had ended. Everyone else shied away from me, the boy who went crazy. The boy who couldn't handle it. But Draco knew it wasn't true. Draco knew I wasn't crazy. He knew I'd just had a fair bit on my plate… he knew what it was like. The others still hung around, of course. How could they not? But none of them ever understood, not like Draco did. A new wave of guilt and pain washed over me, and I knew I had to go. Not call, not owl. I had to go back to Draco's flat. But I already knew Draco would be there. I would knock, and I would apologize. I would give Draco flowers and make sure he noticed the ring, safely back on my finger. And Draco would look at me with that perfect, beautiful, piercing silver stare, and then he would smile a little, and he would kiss me.

I could handle that. I needed to handle that. I needed Draco. I was selfish and terrible and all I knew was that I needed to look at Draco and hold him in my arms and kiss him. Just being around him made everything so much better. Except… for the fights. But I wasn't going to think of that now. I was going to apparate to Draco's and everything would be okay. I knew it would be. It had to be.

There's no religion that could save me
No matter how long my knees are on the floor, oh
So keep in mind all the sacrifices I'm making
Will keep you by my side
Will keep you from walking out the door.

I knocked on the door for the fourth time. That horrible, ant-like, crawling feeling began to set in. What if he wasn't here? What if he'd left, decided he didn't want me back? What if everything wasn't okay? My knees started to buckle at the thought, and I knew I wouldn't be able to stand it if that were the case. My breathing started to pick up and I could feel my heart pounding against my chest. He had to be here. He had to be. Just as I began to feel the tears stinging at the back of my eyes, I heard someone cough behind me. I spun on my heel, and there he was. Looking red-cheeked from the cold weather, his hair windblown, I could tell he'd probably been out for a walk.

At 2:00am.

The look in his eyes told me he'd been doing some serious thinking. Maybe even reached a conclusion. My heart sank. I blinked, and started walking down the front steps. Draco stayed where he was. I swear, it was like, as soon as I'd seen him, I'd been covered with a huge bubble that kept everything in the world out of it. It was just me and him now. I wondered if he'd ever felt the same.

"Draco…" I began, trying to formulate the words. My voice sounded hoarse from lack of use, so I cleared my throat and tried again, taking a small step forward. "Draco, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I keep making the same stupid mistakes, and I'm sorry"

Draco nodded. I waited for the smile, but it didn't come. His eyes were flat, dull. Dead. I hadn't seen him like this in a long time. He began to walk forward, but past me, towards the door. I just stood there and watched. He opened the door, and stepped in. Without looking back, he began closing the door.

"Draco, please" I called, before he could shut the door. He hesitated, and turned around to face me.

"Please what, Harry? Please keep doing this? Please keep pretending everything's okay? Please sacrifice your entire life for my own personal well-being?"

"Wait but- When you- If- No!" I sputtered. I didn't know what to say. He was right, of course he was right. Those were exactly the things he was doing. And I hated myself for it. "Everything… Draco, I can see, when you're around. I can see everything clearly and I can understand everything because you just make everything brighter and better in so many ways and I can't handle any of it without you" I said, trying to hold on to the things I knew could maybe bring him back. He couldn't leave. He wouldn't leave me.

"I'll be better. I'll stop getting angry, I'll stop lashing out" I said desperately, my eyes flooding with the unshed tears. "I'll do anything"

Draco studied me from the top of the stairs. It was the first time in months when I couldn't read his expression. He was wearing a mask, just like he used to do when we were kids, and it hurt so much. But the worst part of it was knowing that I'd been the one to do that. I'd brought the mask back to the Malfoy. I closed my eyes, begging them not to spill the tears, and silently praying that when I opened them, this would just be a dream. All a bad dream. I would wake up in Draco's arms and he would comfort me and we would eat pancakes for dinner and watch bad 80's muggle horror films. But I could tell this was all very real.

"I don't know if I can do this anymore, Harry" He said softly, his voice containing just the smallest hint of poison. But as small as that hint was, it got right through my skin into my heart. Into my veins. Into my everything. I heard the door click closed, and I knew he wouldn't come back out, even if I called him.

Everything seemed like it was shutting down. All the lights in my brain started going off, or flickering, at the very least. The tears spilled from my eyes freely now, falling onto my palms, the knees of my jeans, the ground. I couldn't let him go. Not like this, not today. Not ever. This couldn't be happening. I walked up the stairs with my vision slightly cut off from the sides, and pressed my back against the door. I was surprised to find it was slightly dented, like someone was leaning on the other side, too. I could hear his breathing. I twisted my head sideways, to speak in the crack between the door and the wall.

"Draco. I need you. I need you so much. I swear to you, I will be different. I love you, Draco." I said, in the most pathetic voice I have ever heard anyone use. That seemed to do it for him, the tone with which I spoke, or had it been the words? I stepped away from the door as he opened it, and he looked at me like I was the most precious piece of gold on this planet. And I knew he'd understood, from that single sentence, how much I needed him. How much I'd always need him and how much I understood what a selfish bastard I was. I think he thought he was a selfish bastard, too.

And soon, his lips were on mine, our bodies pressed together. Somehow, this felt like one of the best kisses we'd shared. After all the fighting and the yelling and the chaos, this was exactly what we both needed. This soft, tender, but somehow harsh approach. My hands tangled in his hair and his slipped around my waist, and we were locked like this, everything around us melting away. This was the only thing better than the morphine. This, instead of making you feel numb and making the world disappear, made you feel everything at once. All the things you needed and wanted, all the things you hoped and dreamed of. Everything was rushing through us at that moment, connecting only through the physical contact in our lips and our hands. And in the end, all that feeling melted away the world even better than the numbness. That, I think, is what kept me coming back. The fact that Draco made me feel, had always made me feel, like nothing I'd ever felt before. Something I knew I would only ever find with him.

Cause there'll be no sunlightif I lose you, baby
There'll be no clear skiesif I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds,my eyes will do the same if you walk away
Everyday, it will rain, rain, rain

I leaned my forehead against his, his blonde hair looking even blonder in the harsh moonlight. Relief flooded through me, because I knew we'd be okay. And this time, I would keep my promises. I would be better. I wouldn't yell for no reason and I wouldn't be the psychotic madman I'd been acting like for the past few weeks. Hell, months, maybe. I took both his hands in mine and entwined our fingers together. I didn't know how Draco could stand it, living with me still, after all that we'd been through. But it was those moments, when he stayed by me and didn't leave because he was scared of me or had just had enough, that made me realize I could never stand losing him.

"I was terrified" I whispered, my breath condensing around us, forming a hazy cloud of cold air that swirled and then faded.

"I was, too" he replied. We both had our eyes wide open, looking into one another and trying to decipher what we'd even been fighting about in the first place. I knew we'd never remember, and I knew I never wanted to. I wonder if I'd ever felt more scared than I just had. Facing Draco five minutes ago had been harder than facing Voldemort five years ago. But hard in a different way. Because with Draco, the pressure came entirely from myself. If I'd failed, I'd be the only disappointed one. But it would be something more than disappointed. It would be disappointment times infinity, and then that intensified. Disappointment that I knew as well as anyone I could never handle.

"That was the scariest thing I have ever done" I said again, mystified by the swirls of smoke coming out of my breathing track. Draco kissed me softly again, and let go of one of my hands, pulling me inside the flat by the other hand. I was exhausted. I knew as soon as we got to the bed, or even a couch, I would probably pass out. But I wanted to be with him, so I resisted the urge of falling asleep on the floor or something. I walked with him into the bedroom, to his bed, and I lay there, waiting until Draco was asleep. But as soon as he did, I curled up closer to him. I knew he didn't mind, he probably wanted me to.

I snaked my hand around his waist, and kissed the joint between his neck and his shoulder. As much as I felt the relief seep into me, I realized how much I would've lost if I'd lost Draco. Basically, everything. I couldn't imagine a life without him.

So I would keep my promises. I would be the best I could be, and I would make Draco happy. Because I was in love with Draco Malfoy. And nothing was ever, ever going to change that. I pulled off my glasses and set them gently on the bedside table.

"Goodnight, Draco" I whispered against his neck, my exhausted eyes fluttering closed. And, snuggled up to the love of my life, fell into a deep, dreamless sleep, something I hadn't done in more time than I could remember.