Here Without You, a law and order: svu fanfic

Story: Here Without You
Pairing: Alex Cabot/Olivia Benson
Rating: M
Warnings: Lesbian relationships/Language/Sexual Scenes
Summary: Olivia misses Alex. But Alex is always there with her. She always has been.
Disclaimer: If I said I owned them, would Olivia Benson be the officer who arrests me? And could Alex Cabot be the prosecutor that determines my punishment? Bring on the handcuffs!
A/N: This was actually a spur of the moment story. I was listening to the song "Here Without You" by 3 Doors Down and got inspired. Apologies if any spelling is incorrect. I don't have a Beta and this is a 2am story. Forgive me? I'll give you a cupcake :) Oh, and we're happily ignoring the fact that Conviction ever took place, okay? Thanks :D

Alex was gone again. Olivia just stared at the door as it closed. No, it couldn't have happened. Just the night before...so much had happened. So much. Olivia couldn't help herself. She sat down her champagne flute and grabbed the desk for support. For the woman who she was in love with had left again. She had left without even saying goodbye. It was the shooting all over again. Alex was taken from her grasp, against her will. But this time it was worse. She had known the blonde ADA felt the same. She told her she loved her, and what? The night after she leaves again. A single tear rolls down the face of Olivia as Casey and Elliot envelop her in a warm embrace. Hmm, warm, yes. Soothing, yes. Loving, yes. Alex, no. Because nothing could replace Alex. When would be the next time she'd see Alex? A year? Five years? Never? She shuddered at the thought of never seeing the woman she loved again. Quietly, she pushed Elliot and Casey off of her and walked out the door, alone again.

A hundred days had made me older
since the last time that I've saw your pretty face
A thousand lights had made me colder and I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles had separate
They disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

She was a coward. Nothing but a coward. Alex looked out the window of her new house, this time in Dallas, Texas. It was quiet. Nothing like New York. But no place could be like New York. The rotting garbage and diesel fuel could be there. The noise could be there. But it wasn't the same. Why? Because Olivia wasn't there. And damnit if Alex couldn't even say goodbye. But she knew what it would do to both of them if she had stayed to say goodbye. Their hearts would've been shattered even more. She couldn't let Liv go through with that pain. No, not again. And so she would wait. She would see Liv again, she made a promise to herself of that. She didn't know when. Maybe a year, maybe five years. Somehow, she would convey that message to Olivia. Until the day came that Liv and her would be together, she had to live her "life" there. But first she had to let Liv know.

I'm here without you baby
but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me

Liv,
Words can't express how sorry I am for leaving. Nor can words express how deeply in love with you I am. But I must try. You have to know why I didn't say goodbye. To say goodbye to you is like saying goodbye to my heart, because you stole that. You stole my heart Liv, and I don't want it back. If I said goodbye, it would carry the thought that we wouldn't see each other again. That is not what I'm going to think of while here. Because I will see you again, I will make sure about it. You know, I dream about you, everynight. Wishing you were here. Sometimes I wake up in tears missing you. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought that one day, I don't know when, but one day, I will see that beautiful face again. And I want you to keep going. I want you to know that you will see me again. And when that day comes, no matter what, I'm yours forever. Hell, I already am yours forever. Liv, I fell in love with you, which is something I've never done before, and now that I know the feeling, I know that it isn't going away anytime soon. You're mine and I am yours, and I know I've said that already, but I will say it as many times as I can because it is true Liv. I can't see my life without you in it. This, what I am living now, this is not my life. This is not Alexandra Cabot's life. Because Alexandra Cabot's life is with you Liv. And when I get back, my life will be back. Until then, I want you to go on with your life, knowing, knowing Liv, that I will be back with you. I don't make promises I can't keep and so I promise you that I will be back and be in your arms one day. But I want you to promise something to me. Promise that you won't let go of your own life. I love you Liv. I love you more than life itself. And this isn't goodbye. This is see ya later, for now. I love you.
Your Alex

Tears rolled down Olivia's face as she read and re-read the letter. She slid down to the floor of her apartment, clutching the letter to her chest. I will see you again replayed in her head over and over. There was the hope she needed. There was the one thing she needed to go on. Alex would be back. And she would be back with Liv. The, now tear stained letter was put into the nightstand beside Olivia's bed. With tears still in her eyes, Olivia closed the drawer and laid back in her bed.

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go

As she stepped off the plane, she inhaled the familiar New York smell. She was back. Back to her old life. Back to Alexandra Cabot. Back to Olivia. Her Olivia. It had been three years. Three damn long years. And now, being back, she was scared for the first time. Not of Velez or Connors. But of Olivia. She was scared Olivia had actually moved on. Her heart had been broken before from having to leave Olivia. Would it be broken now by Liv? She had to take the chance. She had to find out.

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me
Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it wont take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love

Everynight. Everynight for the past two years, she pulled that letter out of her nightstand. This was her reminder, her way of living. She had a piece of Alex. And that piece of Alex told her to go on. Told her that she'd see Alex again. On good nights, she could read the letter once and fall asleep pretty quickly, dreaming of the beautiful blonde ADA. Those were rare occasions. But on bad nights, like tonight, it took more than that. She read over the letter, letting a few tears fall, before completely breaking down and sobbing in her pillow. These were frequent occasions. She sobbed for hours, and then if she was lucky, she would fall asleep, getting an hour or two of sleep before waking up sweating and panting. Nightmares. Nightmares overtook. Going back to the moment that Alex was shot. The blank look in Alex's eyes as she lost conscious. The fear in Olivia's eyes when she woke up, it reflected the fear in her eyes in that moment that her love was shot. These were the nights that Olivia thought heavily about giving up. These were the nights that she wondered why she kept going. The nights that she thought Alex had given up as well. But those thoughts quickly disappitated as she read the letter again. Alex. Alexandra Cabot. She is too persistent and too strong to give up. She wouldn't, and as long as Olivia thought that, it was okay.

She was back. When Fin spoke up, everyone looked around. Walking towards them was none other than.

"Alex," Olivia gasped. She had came back. She kept her promise. Everyone at the scene was genuinely glad to see her, but Alex only had eyes for one person. She looked different. Her hair was different, oh shocking there, and she looked thinner. Not anorexic thinner, but still, smaller. All Alex wanted, no needed, to do was pull the woman into an embrace right there. But she couldn't. They were at a crime scene, so they had to wait. Begrudgingly, Alex tore her eyes off of Olivia and onto the crime scene. Tonight, tonight they would have their time.

And tonight girl, it's only you and me

Liv walked to the office she knew too well. Without even knocking, she walked in, shutting the door behind her. "You kept your promise," she smiled, walking over and kneeling beside Alex.

Alex nodded and took Liv's right hand in her own, massaging it softly. "That letter, what I said, Liv I couldn't say anything I didn't plan on going through with. And it looks as if you kept your promise too." She softly kissed Liv's knuckles, one by one. Liv nodded and pushed a stray hair behind Alex's ear with her free hand, before sliding it on the back of her neck. She leaned up and hesitantly pressed her lips to Alex's cheek, her lips slightly brushing the edge of Alex's lips. Alex turned her head slightly and pressed her forehead to Liv's.

"I love you," she whispered, their lips so close that they can feel the hot air between them.

"I never stopped loving you," Olivia said before pressing her lips to Alex's. The kiss wasn't rushed. No, it was perfect. It was soft and slow and left them breathless and wanting more. Olivia moved up and slid into Alex's lap, wrapping both her arms around Alex's neck. Meanwhile, Alex's hands found their way beneath Olivia's shirt. Olivia detached her lips from Alex's and found a spot on the base of Alex's throat. She kissed it softly, eliciting a soft moan from Alex. Alex ran her hands up Liv's toned stomach. Just as she slid her hand underneath the cop's bra, the door opened.

"Counselor, nice to see you-" Elliot stopped in mid sentence after seeing the sight in front of him. Olivia quickly moved away from Alex, fixing her shirt and attempting to fix her disheveled hair, while Alex smoothed out her own shirt and wiped off the wetness on her neck.

Liv, who had turned five shades of red, stood up, attempting to look normal, but ultimately failing. "I suppose I should've locked that?" Both Elliot and Alex nodded slowly. Olivia shrugged and pulled up a chair beside Alex. "Sorry."

Alex swallowed. "Uhm, now, El, what were you saying?"

Elliot fumbled for his words. "Um, I just, yeah, we all, welcome back Al. We missed you," Elliot smiled. "I guess, I'll be heading back to the squad room now. Liv, can you come outside with me?"

Olivia nodded and walked out with Elliot. Before she could get a word out, Elliot pulled her into a hug. "I'm happy for you. Now I know why you were so down all the time. And now that I know what she can do to you," he said, pointing to the grin on her face, "I know she's right for you. I'm glad you've got her back Liv."

"Thanks El. Mind covering for me tonight? I just wanna be with her."

"Already taken care of partner." Elliot smiled and hugged her again before walking down the hallway. Olivia walked back into Alex's office, grinning.

Alex stood and held her arms open. Liv walked into the embrace, wrapping her arms around the taller woman's waist. "I've missed you," she mumbled into her neck, inhaling the scent that she'd been missing for so long. "So much."

Alex kissed the top of Liv's head, "me too Liv. So much. But I'm here now, and I am never leaving again. Not without you." She entwined Liv's fingers with her own. "I love you."

"I love you too, Alex." Olivia started to walk towards the door. "C'mon. We're going home."

As the door closed, Alex was backed into the door as Olivia's lips attacked her own. It was heated and passionate, something they hadn't felt in three years, and something they couldn't be without anymore. Olivia started unbuttoning Alex's jacket as Alex worked on Olivia's button down. "Just rip it," they both breathed at the same time. Olivia tried not to rip anything too bad, but managed to rip two buttons off of the, what was probably, expensive jacket. Alex, however, was less careful, as the now useless blue fabric was strewn on the floor. Olivia's lips attacked Alex's neck as Alex pushed her backwards and down the hallway. Stopping at several points to ravish each other, they finally made it to their one destination, the bedroom. Liv pushed Alex back on the bed. There was a look in both of their eyes, a look that hadn't been seen in over three years. It was that look of, not only love, but lust for one another. Liv pulled the white undershirt out of her pants and over her head, throwing it somewhere across the room. She leaned down, hovering over Alex, her muscles flexing as she held herself up. The sight was a complete turn on for Alex, as if she wasn't turned on enough. They wanted, no, needed this. They needed to feel whole again after three years of nothingness. Liv leaned down and captured the blonde's lips in a heated kiss as Alex started to unbutton her own blouse. After accomplishing the feat, she pulled it off, throwing it somewhere with Liv's shirt. Liv's lips left Alex's as they found their way to the same spot on her neck. Alex let out a loud moan as Liv's hand wandered to her breast. She reached around and unhooked it, sliding it off the ADA's arms. Alex did the same to Olivia's before flipping and reversing the positions. Alex dipped her head down and kissed the valley between Liv's breasts before taking a nipple in her mouth and massaging the other one. Her free hand wandered down and unhooked Liv's belt while Liv's hands were tangled in Alex's long blonde hair. She moaned loudly, the feeling of Alex's mouth on her was irresistable. She still couldn't believe it. Alex...here, with her. Forever. Her true love.

"Mmm I love you," Olivia moaned, flipping them over again, pulling Alex's skirt and panties down off her legs. There she was. Alex. The woman she was in love with. The woman she was about to make love to. Just the sight of her like this was enough to make Olivia wetter. She slowly kissed Alex's flat stomach before licking a path down until getting to her spot. She moaned at the sight. Alex, so wet, for her. She couldn't wait anymore. She slid two fingers in, eliciting a scream from the blonde who's hands found their way into Olivia's hair. Liv kissed at the sensitive, swollen skin before dragging her tongue over it, making Alex scream even more. Liv tongue on her clit, mixed with the sensations of her fingers working in and out made Alex go over the edge. She squirmed and rode out the rest of her orgasm before going limp. Liv licked at Alex, savouring her juices, before working her way back up her body. Somehow, her pants had found their way off of Liv, and she was clad in only her soaking boxers. Alex laid Liv out on the bed, intent on returning the favour. She slid the boxers off of Olivia and quickly entered her with two fingers, causing Olivia to scream out Alex's name mixed with a few curse words. Alex's tongue licked at Olivia's clit and as she softly bit down on it, Liv came harder than she'd ever had before. Alex smiled and pulled out of Olivia and crawled up her body.

"Mine forever," she mumbled into Olivia's neck. "I love you."

Olivia breathed heavily. "Tonight...it was amazing. And now I know, I can't lose you again Al. Promise me that you're not leaving again."

Alex nodded. "I promise you Liv. I'm not leaving again."

"I love you Al. More than life itself."

Alex mumbled an "I love you" before succumbing to sleep. Olivia massaged Alex's arm until she noticed a change in the blonde's breathing, showing that she went to sleep. Liv soon followed in the arms of her lover. Her true love. Her Alex.