Unlove You
I can do most anything I have to
But this one thing I cannot change
I almost kind of like the pain
Wear your tattoo like a stain
And it will take forever to fade away.
Joey didn't even know why he was there. He had told himself he would go out for a change, try to pick up women, try to get over her. But he couldn't. After all this time, he couldn't.
He hadn't told anyone but Chandler, but the reason he had even moved to Los Angeles in the first place was to try to move on. He had thought that if he didn't have to see her every day, it would be easier for him to forget about her. But it wasn't. He had been thinking about her just as much as he was in New York, if not more. His feelings had grown stronger, and he had wanted nothing more than to just forget her for one day.
So there he was at the library, sitting alone in a dark green bean bag chair, vision blurred and that same pain in his chest that he'd been feeling for so damn long now.
He had decided that the reason he was here was because it was always one of her favorite places. His sister had told him to 'just forget about her; get back in the game and find someone else.' But he didn't want to. He didn't want anyone else, he decided. He wanted Rachel. His Rachel.
He wanted to hold her, he wanted to kiss her, he wanted to tell her how damn much she meant to him. But he couldn't. Because she loved Ross. She was marrying Ross. And, no matter how much he wanted her to be his, whenever he thought of her and Ross together, he couldn't help but smile. Because she was happy. And that made him happier than anything in this world.
His palms were sweaty, his head was pounding and he swallowed the lump that was forming in his throat.
"We all miss you."
Phoebe's words from last night echoed through his mind, over and over again. He buried his face in his hands, holding back the tears.
"Monica was telling me the other day that she's still not used to opening her fridge and seeing food in it."
He had to laugh at this. Monica had always kept food for him in her fridge when he lived across the hall from her. He had enjoyed this at the time, unable to get enough of her leftover chicken parmesan, lasagna, and meatloaf. But he hadn't had much of an appetite lately. He hadn't been thinking about food. He hadn't been thinking of anything but Rachel.
Rachel.
"Rachel's been a mess since you left."
He wasn't sure how he felt about that. It pained him more than anything to think about Rachel being upset. He had always tried everything in his power to make sure she was never upset. He had always tried to protect her, to shield her from anything that could hurt her.
He remembers Thanksgiving 1999. Monica had promised her she could make dessert, and she had been so excited. The pages of the recipe book were stuck together, though, and she messed it up, putting beef in the trifle. He remembers convincing Ross to tell Rachel she messed it up.
"When everyone eats that banana-meat thing, they're all going to make fun of her. Do you want that?"
It hurt him to think that he was the reason that she was upset. If he hadn't left, she would be happy.
Joey stood up and walked down the familiar street, breathing in the Los Angeles air. He just kept walking, he wasn't even sure where he was anymore. He ended up in front of an old apartment building, and he sat on the curb, buried his face in his hands, and cried.
He cried because he loved her. He cried because he lost her. He cried because he missed her.
He had heard it from Chandler. He had called him on his cell phone, telling him that he had news. The tone in his voice had scared him. He wrung his hands together and he blinked back tears. He had asked him if everyone was okay, if Monica was okay. He had assured him that it was nothing like that, that everyone was fine.
Chandler's voice had been thick with tears of his own. That was the thing about Chandler. He was never good at comforting people, but it pained him more than anything when people he loved were upset. And Chandler knew that this would just ruin Joey. He had told him that it was about Rachel. He had told him that he wasn't supposed to say anything, that he wasn't supposed to know. He had told him that he needed to know.
When he had finally told him, he felt numb. His words ran through his mind, torturing him to no end.
"Ross proposed."
He had told him that Ross hadn't wanted him to know, that he didn't want him at the wedding, that he was jealous, that he knew how Joey felt. He had told him how sorry he was, that Monica had wanted to call, but he thought it would be easier on him if it was his best friend. He had assured him that everything was going to be okay, told him he had to pick the twins up from daycare and they would talk later.
"I'm sorry, Joe. Really. But everything's going to be okay, you know. It'll all be okay."
Joey didn't see how it could be.