Dear Big D,
I'm sending this to you, because your mother would probably throw it straight in the recycling bin and Uncle Vernon...we won't go there.
Apparently, you moved back into Privet Drive last week. Bet life is already pretty mundane again?
Yeah, I'm sure you miss me almost as much as I miss you. Read: very little. Ha! Bet you miss the cooking though. Hired a maid yet?
Er...yeah. I've moved in with the Weasley's for now, if you care/were wondering about the address, or ever felt the slightest inclination to reply. Also, Mrs Weasley told me I should let my "family" know. To be honest with you, I don't want you to know. Whatever.
Right, ok, the reason I'm mainly writing is...to say thanks to P for not dropping me off at the orphanage...heh, no matter how much she hated it. It was 16 utterly crap years, but at least I'm not dead.
Also, V was right about Kingsley - he's the wizard prime minister now, so...don't tell him, it might make him happy.
Thanks for the tea, as well.
Harry.
PS Still haven't ruled it out as a booby trap.
Harry,
Dad got a promotion,
Mum hired a cleaner,
I'm deputy head boy.
Well done for killing Voldy-thingy, whatever his name is.
Dudley
Diddykins,
Wow, an actual voluntary letter, with an actual real life compliment!
I'm truly honoured.
Ginny told me to say congratulations on the deputy-head thing. To be honest, I don't actually care.
Harry
3 MONTHS LATER, MONDAY
Harry,
Don't think I'm happy about having to ask you for help here.
There've been some people like, haranguing us. I think they're some of your lot, funnily-dressed, pointy hats.
Anyway, they keep abusing us because word's kind of got out that we were the people that made you sleep in a cupboard etc, etc.
So anyway, they keep sending us death threats and things, and I've told Mum she should just contact you, and she keeps on refusing, but she's getting really scared and there's no chance in hell I'd be telling you this otherwise.
I suppose the bottom line is, I'm asking for your help.
Dudley
A PHONECALL, TUESDAY
Dialling Tone
Uncle Vernon Hello, 2461, who's speaking please?
Harry, in falsetto Hello, it's Penelope Clearwater here, could I speak to Duddy please?
Uncle Vernon, with a distinct sound of pride in his voiceAbsolutely! DUDLEY!
Dudley DursleyHello?
HarryDiddykins.
DudleyHarry?
HarryYeah. Okay, so here's my plan. When do you normally get the worst people outside?
DudleyAbout 6 in the evening. Why?
HarryOkay, at six tomorrow, the doorbell will ring. Answer it. Look happy. Shake my hand. Hug me if you can bear the disgust.
DudleyOkay.
HarrySee you tomorrow then?
DudleyYeah. Thanks Harry.
Harry-indistinguishable noise- and when your Dad asks about Penelope Clearwater, tell her you really enjoyed the date and you'll probably be seeing her again.
HARRY HANGS UP
WEDNESDAY
Dudley paced before the fireplace frustratedly, watching the clock crawl towards 6 o'clock.
"What's going on, Dudders?" asked Vernon proudly, with a man-to-man look on his face.
"Erm...Penelope Clearwaller!" blurted out Dudley.
Vernon's grin intensified.
"Got her where you want her, eh, Dudley?"
"Is that wise?" said Petunia Dursley, risking a peep between the net curtains. "With...with those people out there?"
Dudley shrugged, hearing cheers from outside and suddenly nervous. The doorbell rang. Dudley jumped to get it, earning himself perplexed looks from both parents.
The PVC doorframe had never looked so threatening.
Dudley took a deep breath, pasted a grin on his face, and opened the door.
Harry was standing there, an equally fake grin pasted on his face.
"Hand," he hissed, when Dudley did nothing.
Dudley thrust his hand towards him haphazardly. Harry took it and shook it vigorously.
"Now hug," dictated Harry.
Dudley screwed his eyes shut and gave Harry an embarrassed man-hug, patting him on the back for added measure.
"Now what?" he said, realising he couldn't very well send him away now.
"Bugger it," said Harry, almost too loudly, "you'll have to invite me in."
He motioned towards the door. Dudley looked at him like he'd gone mental.
Harry shrugged and lead the way into the house, greeted immediately by the apopletic faces of Vernon and Petunia Dursley.
"Hello, estranged family," said Harry brightly, throwing them off guard. "just popping in for old times sake? How are we all? Well, its good to know everything's going fine with you."
Vernon and Petunia stared at him with stony faces.
"And you're all feeling good. I'll er...be off then!" he said, heading for the kitchen and the back door, "see you soon!"
"If that's Penelope Clearwaller," he distinctly heard Vernon say behind him, "I'm a toothbrush."
THURSDAY
Harry regarded the morning's issue of the Daily Prophet, chewing on a piece of cold toast. Splashed across the front page were him and Dudley in their awkward greeting, with the headline: "BOY WIZARD REUNION"
Unable to keep the grin off his face, he showed it to Ron, who spat out his cornflakes all over the table.
"What on earth is that?!" he said incredulously, wiping his face.
"Oh, Dudley and I are the best of friends now," said Harry, deadpanning. He ripped out the article and stuffed it in an envelope, then took out his quill and addressed it:
Vernon Dursley
4 Privet Drive
Little Whinging
Surrey
"Mrs Weasley?" he then asked, "Would you pop this in the Muggle Post whilst you're in town?"
.