Spoiler for season two final and season one. It might be a little OOC or AU I've only read the transcript of part two of AHBL, my country hasn't got season two yet. Sob, sob. It could be considered a death fic sort of. Dean's POV.
Dedicated to my baby kitten Hedwig, named for her beautiful yellow like eyes, white fur and sharp claws and teeth, who is sitting in my lap and trying to eating my hand as I post this.
I do disclaim, I don't own the hot guys and I'm sure you're all very sadden by and sympathetic to my pain.
Selfish.
He was selfish, and he knew it.
He made that decision for himself, not Sam.
Because he couldn't take it he was now going to make Sam go through it.
It was selfish, not selfless, and it made him want to cry because they were making a martyr out of him when really he was being a selfish cowardly bastard.
One year until he paid his due. One more stolen year. It wasn't like he didn't give a shit; really, he just knew the truth that Bobby and John and all the others had always tried to deny. His number was up, had been a long, long time ago, he had had more chances at life then any man rightfully should and this, this was finally it, the end of Dean Winchester.
He had a debt to the devil to pay… because lord knows surviving everything he had was the devil's work. It wasn't natural and it sure as hell wasn't God's work.
He knew it was selfish and he went through with it anyway, he knew it was exactly the thing his father had done to him; he knew the kind of guilt it was placing on Sam.
He knew it was selfish.
He knew he wasn't a martyr. A martyr was a person who died for a cause; he was dying because he was a scared selfish bastard who had had one chance too many, too many lives taken for what? To give him one more year? One more chance? One more chance he didn't deserve or want? Sam deserved a second chance, he was a good person, he was his little brother, his baby brother and he deserved the chance Dean didn't.
When the year comes to an end it won't be the first time Dean Winchester takes his last breath but he's damn sure it'll be the last.
He never told Sam about when he was a baby. Sam never knew what it felt like to be driven not by the instinct to survive but the instinct to protect, never felt like he was just too tired to care about living anymore, physically couldn't go on but for the bundle in his arms, but for the child worth more then his own life, but for his Sammy.
He owed Sam for that, for given meaning, something to live for. His Sammy was his life… and when Sam was dead he was worse then dead, he was in a perpetual state of living hell.
Because Sam was his everything and all of a sudden… everything was gone.
He knew it was hell to be alone and he was forcing it on Sam. Sammy worked harder every night, every day, every minute closer to Dean's end and Dean did believe he would try as hard as he could but he knew it would never be enough, because he knew this was the end and in a selfish way… he was glad.
Sam hardly slept, too worried, but as much as Sam in pain hurt him to see and know he was the cause he couldn't help the satisfied feeling in knowing his job was done.
Take care of Sammy.
He had, his whole life he had, but he knew it was selfish too, keeping Sam close kept him together, if he had to be strong for Sammy he could. Sam kept him stable when he wanted to break so he always kept him close and it was selfish… and he knew it.
This thing, this one last selfish thing… this thing they think is so goddamned reckless and selfless that really is the most selfish thing he has ever done.
This thing that's gonna take the world from under Sammy feet, this thing that might just be his final release, this thing that's not gonna change the world, this thing just is and has to be. This thing, his death, the much too delayed inevitable was finally on his doorstep and he wasn't gonna hesitate to open that Goddamn door.
And this is it, like father like son, he's ending it, jus like his dad did.
He was finally finishing what started a long, long time ago, what should have ended a long, long time ago.
It should have ended in the fire when he was four, but it didn't, because of Sammy it didn't. It should have ended when he nearly drowned when he was six, it didn't, because of his dad it didn't.
It should have ended when he was seventeen and on a respirator with practically half his chest crushed, it didn't. It should have ended when he was twenty and a demon crushed him into a car with rigid pieces of metal searing through his skin, spilling his blood and threatening to saw the life out of him, it didn't.
It should have ended when he was twenty-six and his brother was trying to shoot him with his own gun, it didn't, because of him it didn't. It should have ended when he was twenty-six and dying of heart failure due to electrocution causing a massive heart attack, it didn't, because of Sam it didn't. It should have ended when he was twenty-six and a yellow eyed demon possessing his father ripped his body to shreds, made him taste his own blood as far too much of it flowed out of his body, it should have ended then, he and the reaper both knew it, but because of his father, because of John Winchester, it didn't.
It should have ended a long, long time ago, it didn't.
People shouldn't have died for him, they had.
He didn't deserve it, he was selfish and he didn't deserve their sacrifice… but Sam did.
He knew it was selfish, doing this to Sam, he knew it was selfish as Sam got one less minute of sleep every passing night, he knew it was selfish every passing day as Sam got more and more desperate, he knew it was selfish every passing as second Sam got more and more scared.
He knew as he watched Sammy sleeping that he did this one last selfish thing for himself, seeing Sammy breathing every night he knew that he was selfish.
This was it, the end, but he was glad, glad that it was his not Sammy's, glad no one else was going to die to give him one more miserable minute of life. He was glad and he was selfish, he was leaving his depressing legacy of death to Sam but he was still glad.
He knew it was selfish, doing what he was doing, leaving it all to Sam when he knew the pain it would cause, but he couldn't help it…
He was selfish… and he knew it.
-End-