Note: Was I planning to write a 12k fic about Burr/Hamilton/Eliza? No. But here I am. See the bottom for some more notes on this fic. This is all from Aaron's point of view so some of the characters' motivations and feelings are open to interpretation in general, this is just Aaron's interpretation of the world around him.
Hamilton exhibited no restraint.
Aaron knew this; he knew it far more intimately than he ought to have known it. The first time Hamilton had pushed their acquaintance towards heights it had no right reaching, Aaron had resisted. He had pushed and Alexander had pulled and if you let yourself listen to his gorgeous words, you could easily get lost in it and lose all semblance of sense. Aaron had prided himself on being able to resist being pulled in by Hamilton's current but in those moments when he was staring at him with his intelligent eyes hungry for something no sustenance could quell, something only Aaron could give him, it seemed so easy to let himself be pulled down and let Alexander take what he wanted.
And Hamilton didn't hesitate to do just that.
It was easier when they were just students who, although had differing approaches on many things, could separate that when they were in bed together. As soldiers, they did not get to see each other nearly as much and when they did it was always edged with desperation. Each time they saw each other could be the last time and in those years Aaron could feel his heart pushing towards feelings that would do little more than lead to his ruin if he entertained them. Then Alexander met and married Elizabeth Schuyler and Aaron fell in love with Theodosia Prevost and he thought that was the end of that. He had a wife and daughter and Alexander had his own family, there was no place for them anymore.
Except Alexander somehow procured an office next door to him and they frequently conferred on cases together. There was little he could do to fight the attraction once Hamilton set his mind. He could not blame Alexander completely, he was the one thing in life he could control, he chose to continue this affair and the guilt he felt was his and his alone but he could not stop himself.
He had tried. He had confessed one night to Theodosia, he told her everything and had hoped that she would have the words to make him stop, to make him finally cut Hamilton off but she had simply smiled a little at him.
"I know. I've known for some time." She had kissed his forehead then, told him to be careful and said nothing else on the matter. He did not know whether he should thank her or shake her. He had thought to write his sister, hoping Sally would know what to say to knock sense into him but in the end he didn't.
The affair continued.
Hamilton took and took and took.
He seemed to know no other way when it came to Aaron and Aaron seemed unable to not marvel at Alexander's gall and lack of shame towards their activities. He threw himself wholeheartedly into the endeavor. They usually found themselves in their offices, on either's desk or perhaps the couch Alexander purchased to sleep on, even though he rarely used it for that purpose. He would much prefer to strip Aaron down and press him deeply into the cushions so he could barely escape from under the weight of Hamilton's body. He'd work Aaron open slowly, choosing these moments where Aaron wanted fast and hard and too much, to decide to make him wait for it. Usually Aaron would be patient. He'd bide his time until he could have Hamilton but one particular night when he was too wound up for the games, he slipped up on their unspoken rule.
"You look so good like this Aaron. So loose and pliant and ready for me." He was ready and yet Hamilton would not push his advantage, he chose now to stand still.
"So get on with it." Aaron gritted out but Hamilton would not have his hand forced.
"You make such a lovely picture like this." Aaron was already wound up and upset. His last case had taken an inconvenient turn that only served to make his life difficult, Theodosia had taken Theo off to visit family with only a kiss and a soft blessing/encouragement regarding his attachment to Hamilton and Alexander chose this moment to tap dance on his last nerve. He loathed that their roles seemed to switch when their clothes came off, that Alexander was the one who stayed the picture of composure and poise while Aaron wanted nothing more than to barrel ahead. So with all that stress building up, he found himself reacting as Hamilton would, by lashing out with venomous words.
"Do you whisper such sweet things to your wife?" Alexander tensed for a moment and Aaron held his breath, wondering how the other man would respond to this blatant challenge. Aaron was crossing a line here, something he seemed unwilling to do anywhere but in the bedroom.
Suddenly Alexander began chuckling.
"No, I do not say such things to Eliza. She much prefers to hear details of our liaisons. How I slowly opened you up, how you begged me for it, how you pulled me further and further into you until it seemed our bodies would never detach from each other's, the sounds you make when you hit your climax. It all makes her impossibly wet." Aaron couldn't help the moan that hitched in his throat at that. He was not expecting that response or the way it would make him feel.
"Alexander, please." The words felt ripped from his chest rather than merely uttered. Hamilton continued as if he hadn't spoken.
"She likes it when I describe just how desperate you were, truth be told I think she would like to see it for herself. Well, see it again. It's been some years since your first encounter with my wife." Aaron shuddered then.
The truth was the entire affair was slightly more complicated than he wished to think of. He had met Elizabeth before Alexander Hamilton was a name uttered in whispers around Princeton College. Aaron had to make a name for himself and that meant courting every well-to-do and member of the upper echelon that he could. There was nothing rich folks loved more than slumming it with the poor if only to seem like they had an altruistic heart towards their lesser counterparts. When they weren't gawking at students from their carriages, they were at social events. Aaron was an honored guest, the young man who had taken Princeton by storm, an orphan who shouldn't have made it as far as he had. He had been listening to one of his least favorite professors' droning speeches when three women caught his eye.
They were all roughly around his age and in expensive looking dresses if the fabric was anything to go by, even if the designs were understated. The oldest girl immediately found her way working the crowd much the same way Aaron did, the youngest girl clung to the arm of an older man who was perhaps her father and the middle girl was staring directly at him when his eyes shifted back to her. She smiled politely at him and he returned the smile thinking that to be the end of it but she approached him, introduced herself as Elizabeth Schuyler and made small talk politely before their conversation devolved into a gossip session at the other patrons' expense.
Aaron had normally not been one for gossip but she kept him in the conversation and he did not question the pull she had over him, did not question it when she led him away from the ballroom and did not stop her when she brought him to an empty room, pressed him against a wall and kissed him. She had tasted almost sickeningly sweet but he liked it. She had been in control, she kept him pinned against a wall and worked him up until he was hard before her hand slipped into trousers and she stroked him to his release. She had guided his hand as he returned the favor for her and he had been embarrassingly vocal about his appreciation towards her actions and want for more but there were no encounters after that. He thought fate to be a cruel mistress, though not one without a sense of humor, when he discovered Alexander and Elizabeth's engagement and his history with both dawned on him. He had not turned his thoughts to that moment with Elizabeth in years yet now knowing she had catalogued the experience and still derived pleasure from it excited him.
Alexander banished all thoughts from his head when he finally, without warning, began sliding into Aaron. He put his focus solely on the feeling of Hamilton taking him but when the man began to whisper to him all the things Elizabeth wanted him to do to Aaron he found himself unable to hold out. His orgasm may have hit him stronger than ever before. He would never admit that though.
He did not make mention of the line crossed that night and Hamilton followed him in the unspoken vow of silence. It persisted that way but inevitably it would be brought up again because Alexander was so damn frustrating and Elizabeth was all Aaron had to bargain with sometimes. Low blows were more Hamilton's weapon of choice but sometimes when Aaron was of the mood he would throw his tactics back in his face.
Alexander with his damn incessant writing, he could spend hours writing and doing little else. When Aaron tried to coax him to sleep or to at least take a break he would brush him off with rushed words meant to placate him as though he was a wife who's whining needed to be quelled. It did not sit well with Aaron.
"I'm not your wife; you'd do well to mind your tone."
"You act as a wife in every other sense of the word, though Eliza knows when to leave me be to my work." Aaron quite doubted that, not with Hamilton's work ethic.
"Careful how you proceed, good man."
"Maybe you oughta take that advice. Do you really want to have this conversation?" Hamilton asked, looking up from his parchment.
"And what conversation would that be?"
"You brought up Eliza again. You keep bringing her up, is there something you wish to know Aaron?"
Okay, so we're doing this.
"Does it not bother you at all? You're married and yet night after night you gallivant around with me."
"You're married as well, does it not bother you?"
"Of course it does. I love Theodosia and yet I betray her every time I'm near you."
"Is it really betrayal if she knows?" Aaron paused. He hadn't let Hamilton know that he had told Theodosia everything.
"Mrs. Prevost-Burr visited me before she took her leave. She told me to be careful with you and that if I hurt you in any way you didn't want she would do some very unpleasant things to me. She didn't seem bothered by any of it, so why are you?"
"Why am I? We are two married men with children engaging in illicit practices in our offices. What is there not to be bothered about?"
"Theodosia doesn't mind." Hamilton replied, shrugging his shoulders.
"And if Elizabeth does? Have you thought about her at all?"
"I'm sure she'll be delighted to know you care so much for her well-being. I mean, not so much when you're begging me for more and professing your love to me but-"
"I do not profess-"
"Oh but you do. You love Theodosia but you love me too." Alexander gave him a look that dared him to dispute his claim. Aaron wished to deny it but he couldn't make the words come out, they just stayed stuck in his throat.
"I already told you that Eliza knows and not only does she not mind but she would like to see you again. Just the three of us, the children are away with family."
"See me for what?"
"I'm sure you can hazard a guess, you're smart enough for it. In the end it comes down to one thing I suppose: what do you want Burr?" Aaron did not answer that because he was more than a little afraid of what he would say if he did.
"Confer with your wife if you must. I've got two more paragraphs then I shall join you." With that Alexander looked back to his writing and Aaron took that as his cue to leave. He knew full well two paragraphs would turn to four would turn to six and then sixty which was fine, it gave him time to confer with himself.
This is what Hamilton does to you. He drives you so out of your mind you begin talking to yourself.
Hamilton had the nerve to ask him what he wanted. He wanted to be rid of the man altogether. He wanted to never have met him at all. He wanted to turn back time and stop himself from kissing him back that first time. He wanted Theodosia to be furious with him. He wanted himself to grow enough of a spine to put a stop to this. He wanted the way he felt about Alexander to go away. He wanted the feeling of not being able to breathe properly, his heart pounding too loudly, his thoughts not clear enough, his emotions and actions not his own to control, he wanted all of it gone. He didn't like it, it felt like an aberration against his nature. Half the time he imagined it to be something akin to how death felt and despite the many meetings between them, death was no friend of his. Why would he want to feel that for two Hamiltons when he was already struggling with the one?
And yet...
Yet he wanted Alexander to the point of pain. He had said more than once when his muscles were not entirely his own to command that he loved him and that he wanted to keep him forever. He wished he could take those words back and stuff them to the back of his mind where they belonged but they were out now as was the memory of his tryst with Elizabeth. The more he thought of being with her in that way, the more he wanted it. This entire affair was debased and ungodly, was he truly willing to damn himself all the more? Did it even matter anymore?
What do you want, Burr?
He sends a letter to Theodosia post haste. He chooses his words carefully, neither expressing interest nor disinterest in Hamilton's proposal, simply asking that if he so chose to go through with it if she would take offense or issue.
Theodosia sends him back a correspondence as quickly as possible telling him the decision was his and she would take no offense no matter his choice. She summarized that quickly and concisely in a paragraph and sent a second correspondence detailing their daughter's adventures with her cousins.
Aaron wished to both thank and curse whichever deity blessed him with a wife as amazing and understanding as Theodosia was of things even Aaron didn't understand about himself.
I am the one thing in life I can control. He reminded himself.
If he did not want this, he simply would not do it. He couldn't depend on his wife to show him how to say no to Alexander, that was on him.
Just say no and you can be done with this.
The next day he agrees to join the Hamiltons for dinner.
Aaron had not been to Alexander's household in a long while. When they rekindled their attachment Aaron had made it a point that it would not touch either's home. Now here he was standing on his doorstep with no idea of what would transpire that night. But no, that wasn't entirely accurate, he had some idea and it both disgusted and invigorated him.
Alexander answered the door when Aaron knocked, he suspected that any servants in their employ were dismissed for the night and as he entered the home and Alexander took his jacket the suspicion only grew. Hamilton nodded for him to walk further into the house as he hung Aaron's jacket. Aaron walked into the living room and assessed the room. The decor was mostly warm colors, cherry wood, reds and deep oranges coloring the curtains and couches and such. Oil lamps lit the room up and gave it a decidedly cozy feeling. The atmosphere the room gave off calmed Aaron's nerves if only slightly.
"Is it pleasing?" Aaron's head snapped over to his right as a voice broke through his calm. Elizabeth stood in the doorway opposite the one Aaron entered through. She wore a sky blue dress that seemed light and wispy. Elizabeth Hamilton hardly would be seen in hoop skirts and the like but Aaron had never seen her in anything like this. If not for the slip beneath the dress he'd be able to see her body underneath it. He'd never had that pleasure; there was no time to take their clothing off during their rushed encounter. The neckline of the dress plunged further than propriety would allow but there was nothing proper about this evening.
"Is-is what pleasing?"
"The room. I recently redecorated it. I picked everything myself, Alexander doesn't have the eye for such things. Peggy thinks it resembles an upscale brothel though why she should know what the inside of a brothel would look like she's yet to explain to me." Aaron stared perhaps too long without answering before he shook himself and forced a response out.
"I like it. It's... soothing."
"Are you nervous, sir?" She asked, walking closer to him. Aaron simultaneously wished to find a hole to hide in and close the distance between them.
"I... I confess that 'anxious' would not be an entirely untoward word to use regarding my feelings at the moment."
"You don't have to be nervous. Alexander and I will take care of you, isn't that right dear?"
"You already know that I will, Aaron." Aaron held back a flinch as Alexander's voice came from behind him. He had not heard him enter the room. Aaron was beginning to feel like prey backed into a corner with Elizabeth in front of him and Alexander behind him.
"If you don't want this you can leave. I won't hold that against you. You and Alexander will continue as you were and our brief moment will be consigned to oblivion if that's what you wish." Elizabeth reassured him. Aaron looked down feeling conflicted, he wanted to leave from here and scrub his body raw, he wanted to grab Hamilton, either one, and kiss them until neither could breathe. A soft hand landed on his cheek then. He peeked up into her deep brown eyes; they were gentle and filled with desire and care. He could not stand to look and directed his gaze to the floor.
"Sir... Aaron." He looked up then, unaccustomed to hearing his first name from her lips.
"Elizabeth." He whispered back, the edge of her mouth quirked up into a smile at the use of her full name. Another hand landed on his neck, this hand was larger, rougher and infinitely more familiar and yet Aaron shuddered still when it made contact with his skin.
"What do you want, Burr?" Alexander whispered into his ear.
He wanted this, he wanted all of it.
He stayed the night at Elizabeth's insistence. She said she would not sleep properly knowing he walked home alone. Alexander was all but passed out pressed against his back on Aaron's left side. Carnal activities always tired Alexander out. He had confided that it helped to quiet his mind down where all other things seemed to fail.
Elizabeth laid facing him to his right. Despite spending the night so that she would not lose sleep over him, she stayed awake. She asked him questions for the better part of the night. He half did not want to answer them, afraid of giving too much away, but Elizabeth had an almost otherworldly draw about her. It was the same pull that led him into that room with her during the dinner party at Princeton. He found himself talking to her then, perhaps even telling her more than he had told Alexander about himself and his ideals. To be fair she was not silent, she gave back to him and answered any questions he had. The parts of him he let go of, he replaced with her. He did not know yet if that was a good thing or bad thing.
Aaron didn't like to admit it very often when Alexander was correct about something but in this instance he found that he had to give the man credit, bringing Elizabeth into their relationship had really only served to strengthen it. She was a cooler head to prevail when the two of them argued, she could douse or at least dampen Alexander's venomous tirades before he said something to Aaron that could not be taken back and she encouraged Aaron to open up to Alexander about his thought process and feelings so as to lessen the miscommunication between them.
It was wonderful advice; she was a smart and talented woman for dealing with it all in a calm and cool way. She rarely ever picked sides between them and did not engage in their squabbles, keeping her head above the fray. It was hardly her fault that he and Hamilton did not implement her advice as much as they should have. As evidenced by their fight over the Constitution.
Alexander had showed up to his office much too late. It wasn't entirely unusual as propriety wasn't high on Hamilton's list of ideals, if it featured at all. He had spent some time trying to get Aaron to agree to write with him and then began on a tirade of how he stood for nothing. Aaron's rebuttal was not entirely within his control. He was giving away too much, he was saying too much.
Pull it back Aaron. Wait for it.
"Only a coward or a snake would stand to the side as you do."
I'm not standing still, I am lying in wait. Aaron reminded himself as he pointedly ignored the name calling.
"Or someone very smart. You'll all tear yourselves and each other apart for the Constitution. Why should I do the same?"
"Because it's up to you just as much as anyone else to help shape this country into something that can be not only sustainable but prosperous! Don't you want that for Theodosia?"
"I don't want my daughter to grow up without a voice. I want her to be seen as just as important as any man. I want her to know that slapping chains on another person and confining them to slavery is not in any way befitting someone who claims to be godly or even just professes to be a decent human being."
"Then lecture the southerners about this Aaron, not me. You know we share the same ideals in that regard at least."
"I'm sure you expressed these ideals to Washington then." Alexander looked down and away.
"Look, why don't you ask someone who actually agrees with this Constitution for help? Angelica Schulyer is probably among the most strategic and intelligent minds with a wit to match yours and intelligence beyond that, ask her or get her husband to be her mouthpiece." Truthfully Aaron saw some of himself and vice versa in Angelica despite her rebuff of him. She was quietly smart; easily the smartest person when she walked into a room, but she also knew what sacrifice was and knew when to move her chess pieces and how. Aaron could admire that if nothing else.
"You don't think I would if I could? If Angelica or John were to send letters from London, it could manage to get linked to me and that would defeat the purpose of anonymity."
"If you think someone can't tell the difference between your writing and anyone else's, even with a pseudonym, then you don't know yourself very well."
"But you know me Aaron; you know how important this is to me. We can revise the Constitution later, but we need to implement something. The Articles aren't working anymore. I need to get this out of the way so I can focus on more important things." Alexander's voice took a softer tone. This was how he got him often times. He would turn to this soft thing before him and Aaron would melt. But no, not this time. The integrity of their very country was at stake and there were a million things Aaron hadn't done yet. He did not have time for this.
"To you."
"What?" Alex asked with confusion.
"Those things you need to do, they're more important to you. Independence doesn't need to be full of contradictions, neither does equality. You have the chance now to make things right and avoid greater problems later."
"You have no idea how hard it was to get this document drafted. Do you think I agree with everything written down? Of course I don't, but I had to learn the art of compromise and meet a middle ground between morals and politics. Not that I expect you to understand that." Aaron drew back at Alexander's lowblow. He wanted to rebut, he wanted to shut Alexander down but he held himself back from doing so.
"Leave." He said coolly. Hamilton sighed but did not leave; instead he moved forward and pulled Aaron's hand in his.
"Aaron, I need to be able to focus on composing my debt plan and then defending that to the venomous Virginians. To do that, I need this Constitution to be ratified. I need you." Perhaps if it stopped here Aaron would've given in somewhat, offered to support Hamilton in some way.
"This country needs you to defend the Constitution." He would do a lot of things for Alexander but that did not extend to this Constitution and did not include rearranging his ideals.
"I can draft a list of people, men and women who I believe may be able to aid you in your work. I'm sorry that I can't be of more use to you." Alexander drew his hand away from Aaron as if he'd been burned.
"You're really doing this?" Hamilton asked, angered disbelief in his voice. Aaron quietly swallowed and raised his chin defiantly. He would not be cowed by this wonderful, wretched man. Alexander's face shuttered to cold and aloof in a blink of an eye.
"The list-"
"That won't be necessary, Mr. Burr, sir." Hamilton calling him by his last name perhaps stung more than any curse or insult he could spew.
"I really am sorry."
"Sure." Alexander walked out of Aaron's office, a near tangible chill left behind him. Aaron did not let it get to him... not much anyway.
The Constitution passed, of course, without Aaron's help. Well, he didn't help write any essays but there were times when he would pass Alexander's office and see the soft glow of candlelight through the window. Despite the fact that he was no longer a lawyer, he still kept the office in order to work in peace. Aaron would go to him sometimes and coax him away from his writing long enough to be sure he ate something and slept for at least a few hours a night. He had even, in a few moments of weakness, edited a few of his essays but it went no further than that. Alexander never protested or said anything untoward or much of anything at all to him which was entirely new territory. It was as if he was writing so much that he would run out of things to say and the sleep deprivation probably didn't help matters, but Aaron did what he could and Alexander did what he was best at and so the Constitution became law.
Aaron wasn't surprised, nor was he particularly upset really. He knew Alexander. Once he put his mind to something, he would make sure he found a way to achieve it no matter the lengths he had to go through in order to do so. However, he was surprised to receive a letter inviting him to the Hamiltons' home to celebrate the ratification of the Constitution. Aaron thought at first it was Alexander's ego running amuck and that he wished to rub his victory in Aaron's face but signed in elegant cursive under A. Ham was Elizabeth Hamilton. Elizabeth did not abbreviate her signature and her handwriting was uniquely her own and much too neat for Hamilton with his chicken scratch penmanship to replicate. Elizabeth did not stroke Alexander's ego much and he highly doubted that she would want this meeting to proceed if Alexander was indeed intending to behave like a child through it, so ultimately Aaron decided to make the trip.
Elizabeth opened the door this time when he knocked. Usually it would be Alexander but Aaron could hear him further in the house laughing almost hysterically. He looked to Elizabeth with a raised eyebrow.
"He's been that way ever since the Constitution passed. I think he's drunk." She said with fond exasperation as they walked into the living room to see Hamilton there with a large grin on his face and a bottle of whiskey in hand.
"I am drunk, dear. Drunk on happiness." Aaron was fairly blindsided when Alexander, dancing to some song in his head, twirled towards the two of them and placed casual kisses to both of their lips before continuing his circuit around the room, bottle caressed to his chest. Despite their encounters over the past few months, they had not engaged in anything intimate since they had their argument over the Constitution (which turned out not to matter that much seeing as how Aaron still helped in some ways). He hadn't expected Alexander to be quite so receptive to him.
"Funny, I've never heard of that particular brand of whiskey." Aaron quipped.
"And don't I know it. Fret not my friend, you'll leave here happier than when you arrived."
"I should hope so." Aaron and Elizabeth shared a smile between them, it was as if Alexander's happiness seeped into the room and spread to the both of them even if Aaron didn't expressly want it to.
"Dance with me, my loves." Alexander said as he put the bottle down and suddenly ran over to them and pulled them to the middle of the room with him.
"Dance to what? There's no music." Aaron protested as Alexander spun him under his arm.
"Use your imagination, Burr. The Constitution has passed. The work isn't near halfway done but I have no qualms against celebrating this victory. To do so, I wish to dance, even if there is no music. So imagine your own music. I know creativity is not your strong suit, but just try it." Aaron did not wish to imagine any particular song and even if he did he doubted it would be the same tempo that Alexander's imagined tune was. So he didn't try, instead he let Alexander lead him where he wanted while Elizabeth did the same until Alexander pulled them both close to his chest so their heads rested on his shoulder. He decided not to think too much about this. He would not read into Alexander's happiness or the fact that he called both he and Elizabeth his loves. He would just let this moment be and let Hamilton's happiness wash over him.
These moments were fleeting as it was.
Aaron was not invited to the cabinet meeting as he was not a politician. He was not Washington's right hand man. He did not have the honor of choosing between treasury or state. Normally that would annoy him, but that was fine. He would go home to Theodosia and Theo who had finally come back from their cousins' place and spend time with them.
He entered his home and expected it to be as quiet as ever. This was usually the time Theo was reading her books and Theodosia would be entertaining herself elsewhere but instead as Aaron entered his home, he heard laughter and piano music floating towards the entrance from the sitting room. He walked towards the room with both confusion and apprehension. When he entered the room, he saw Theodosia sitting on a couch, a cup of tea in her hand, looking towards Theo as she played the large instrument. That was not so uncommon or out of place. What was out of place was the little curly haired boy sitting next to Theo playing around with the keys in front of him and the dark haired woman sitting next to his wife, smiling at the children and sipping her own tea.
Elizabeth.
What is she doing here? Aaron thought to himself, an edge of panic to his thoughts.
Both women placed their tea down and clapped when the two nine year olds finished their presentation and began lauding them with compliments.
Aaron stood in the doorway, not quite sure what to do. He continued to have frequent meetings with both Elizabeth and Alexander though he had begun seeing less and less of them as Alexander started to continue on his work and take on the role of politician with more vigor and passion. However, when he did see them it was at their home or at Aaron's office. The affair had thus far found a way to stay out of Aaron's home. Theodosia knew of their meetings but he had never thought to introduce her to either of his... partners, even when he and Alexander worked closely together, and she had not pushed for such an interaction. She had been content to hear his stories when he was of a mood to tell them or not talk about it at all. He could just as easily pretend as if everything was as normal and they weren't all hiding secrets that could end their careers and render them pariahs. Theodosia was content to let him do either.
It wasn't until he saw Elizabeth lay a seemingly innocent hand over Theodosia's that he made himself known. For some reason, seeing Theodosia mixed up with the debauchery of his life with the Hamiltons did not sit well with him despite the fact that it was the fairer of the Hamiltons. Or maybe it was seeing his wife, who was seemingly immune to shame, interacting with someone as quietly magnetic as Elizabeth. It couldn't end well for him if they were together. He would no more be able to resist whatever spell they wished to cast on him than he could resist Alexander.
Sweet Jesus, if his grandfather could see him now.
"That was quite the admirable rendition." He said upon his entrance to Theo, though his eyes were trained on the two women's joined hands. He tore them away when Theo embraced him.
"I don't believe I've been acquainted with your new friend, dear Theodosia."
"This is Phillip Hamilton; he plays piano too but not the cello." Theo explained.
"Mom thought it might crush me." Phillip explained, shaking Aaron's hand with a grip firmer than he expected the young child to possess.
"I still stand by that. I have no idea how you don't have a heart attack every time your little girl picks it up, Theodosia." Elizabeth said from her place on the couch, her hand still on his wife's.
"Aaron would somehow find time in his schedule to sit down with her and help her learn and play."
"Of course he did." Both Theodosia and Elizabeth were smiling fondly at him while Phillip and Theo stared up at him.
This was not supposed to be happening.
"I invited Eliza and Phillip to have dinner with us, I hope that's okay." Theodosia said.
This really, really shouldn't be happening.
Aaron looked at Elizabeth but her face had a perfectly neutral smile that gave nothing away.
Talk less, smile more. Elizabeth grew up perfecting that technique under the careful tutelage of her father. Compared to her, Aaron felt like an amateur but despite what Alexander thought he was not a coward and he could give as good as he got and so he smiled just as blandly in return.
"Of course I have no problem, dear wife. I only hope Helga made enough for our guests."
And so Aaron found himself sitting at the head of his table with Theodosia and Elizabeth on either side of him. Thankfully he did not have to contribute too much to the conversation as the two women did that for him and the blissfully ignorant children worked just fine as buffers until Theo brought up something that demanded Aaron respond.
"Can we, Father?" Theo asked. He stared at his daughter blankly, not knowing what she was talking about.
"Mrs. Hamilton invited us to go upstate with her." She clarified when he didn't answer. Aaron kept his features schooled so as not to give anything away but inside he felt chilled.
"Did she?"
"We can all go stay with my father. It shall be myself, the children, Peggy and Angelica along with your family should you accept." Elizabeth said.
"Your husband won't be accompanying us?" Elizabeth's nostrils flared minutely, but her face stayed neutral as ever. Hmm, so maybe her mask was not without its cracks.
"He could not get away from his work unfortunately, but that leaves more room for friends to join us. I'm sure Phillip would love to be accompanied by someone his own age. Perhaps Theo can teach him the cello while we're there." Both children's eyes lit up at that and Aaron hesitated to respond. He wanted to say no but Theo looked so excited.
"Well, you and Theo only just got back. Are you sure you wish to leave again, dear?" Aaron asked Theodosia.
"Oh, I have no protests against leaving this place for some fresh air." Theodosia responded.
"There's a lake I know in a nearby park. The atmosphere is more soothing than anything you could come by in the city. You and I can go when the night gets dark." Elizabeth said to Theodosia. Aaron did not miss the implication in her voice. He wasn't sure whether it excited him or frightened him to think of himself alone with Elizabeth and Theodosia, Hamilton being miles away.
"I would love it more than anything if you could join us, Burr."
"I have so much work to do." Aaron said weakly. He could feel his resolve giving way.
"Take a break. Come away with us for the summer." Theodosia said, turning his face gently to face hers and her enticing green eyes. Her eyes were what drew him to her in the first place.
"I can't leave for the entire summer... but perhaps a few weeks won't hurt." Theodosia smiled while Elizabeth reached forward and squeezed his hand in hers with a large grin on her face.
"It's settled then."
The children immediately began chatting among themselves excitedly. Theodosia pressed a small kiss to his lips before letting his face go. Elizabeth squeezed his hand once more before going back to her conversation with Theodosia.
He was not sure whether or not he had made the right choice.
He did not speak much after that, leaving the conversation to his dinner mates. His silence was not commented upon until he and Theodosia were turning the bed down in order to get some much needed rest.
"Are you alright? You've been awfully silent." She commented, her eyes looking him over inquisitively.
"I'm perfectly fine. Why do you ask?" She gave him a slightly withering look at that as they climbed into bed together.
"I would not ask if I thought you were fine. Is this about Mrs. Hamilton's invitation? If you don't want to go we don't have to or you can go without us, I can explain to Theo." Aaron felt frustration growing in him. He really didn't understand his wife sometimes, but he tamped those feelings down.
"I am fine, I promise." He knew instantly that was the wrong thing to say. He didn't make promises, he never had. Theodosia was silent for a moment before she spoke in a soft tone.
"You know, you've always been able to confide in me and know that I would never judge you for your feelings or thoughts."
"But why?" Aaron said after a moment, no longer able to keep this in anymore.
"Why what?"
"Why won't you judge me? I've been leaving our marriage bed and having relations outside of our own, intruding in the marriage bed of another. How can you not be disgusted with me?"
"It would be highly hypocritical of me if I were, wouldn't it? Is that not how our own relationship began, as an extramarital affair?" That was true, but Aaron had never truly put that on Theodosia. He had never seen her as wrong for that.
"I understand perhaps more than others that love doesn't discriminate, it exhibits no restraint, it knows no boundaries at times." Theodosia explained softly.
"And so it is up to us to set those boundaries and in that I have failed you and our daughter. Furthermore, now I act selfishly. It is ridiculous that the notion of us being alone with Elizabeth should frighten me when I've been conducting this double life behind your back. I suppose... I suppose I am just fearful of you seeing me that way. I don't want us to change; I don't want to lose you."
"You won't lose me over this Aaron." She said firmly, her milky skinned hand brushing over his much darker hand and pulling it to her chest to rest above her heart.
"I know the man I married; I've seen more of you than perhaps even you've seen of yourself. There is nothing that can scare me away and if you wish to keep Alexander and Elizabeth to yourself, well that's up to you." Aaron sighed.
"No, it isn't. If you and Elizabeth should... engage in relations far be it from me to say otherwise. It would be hypocritical of me to do so. I just have so much on my mind."
"That's why we're going away. You can take a break. Take your time, your work will be here when we get back." Aaron nodded in agreement. His work was in no hurry to diminish and a break would do him well. Perhaps he was overthinking things.
The Schuyler home upstate was a beautiful Victorian that denoted just how loaded Phillip Schuyler was. It was more of an estate than a home, acres upon acres of rolling fields all under the ownership of the Schuyler family. The Burr family was given their own wing within the large home even though Aaron protested in the beginning that it wasn't necessary. Phillip Schuyler was accommodating and as distantly friendly and polite as any good host, Peggy was happy for the extra bodies and Angelica, though momentarily stunned at the guests and obviously disappointed that Alexander was not in their company, immediately took to stealing Theodosia away to chat with her while the children were in their own world of wonder and innocent companionship. Aaron had to admit it was a relaxing atmosphere. He wouldn't deny, at least in the privacy of his own head, that a part of the calmness had to do with Alexander not being present to pick fights with him or harass him or try to get a rise out of him or spit words of disgust and anger at him or stroke his cheek or kiss him or hold him or call him 'love'. So, he both did and did not miss Alexander but that was okay because he had more than enough people around to occupy his time and he was not the only one who felt so relaxed.
He sat on one of the window sills of the house near the drawing room where Theo was teaching Phillip Hamilton all about cellos. So far the lessons seemed to be going well, if loudly. Outside Eliza, Peggy, Angelica and Theodosia were engaged in a game of chase. Eliza and his wife held hands as they ran away from Angelica and Peggy; all four women's laughter could be heard from the house. Aaron didn't think he had heard Theodosia sound so carefree in he didn't even know how long, perhaps ever.
"Women's laughter. One of the greatest sounds on earth, don't you agree?" Aaron turned to see Phillip Schuyler approaching. He internally straightened up and put his mask on.
"I'm quite fond of it myself, though I may be biased as I have more family of the fairer sex." Aaron felt relaxed in that answer. He didn't give away anything the man didn't already know.
"In that regard we find ourselves evenly matched. It's been some time since I've gotten to enjoy the company of my daughters. My work with the Senate has kept me most busy, I've barely had time to spend with my children and grandchildren."
"You've been a senator for many years, does it ever get easier?"
"Have an eye towards politics, do you?" The man asked, smacking his shoulder roughly.
"I like to keep my prospects open." Aaron allowed, hiding his grimace.
"Honestly? The seat doesn't truly get more comfortable over time. Though a fulfilling experience, I wouldn't loathe a break from it. Alas, I mostly stand unopposed and that isn't likely to change. If anything, I just wish to leave a legacy for my daughters and a world better than the one I grew up with for my grandchildren."
"A noble endeavor, sir."
"One shared by many fathers. I'm sure you feel the same." Aaron smiled a little more genuinely at the man, that wasn't something he felt the need to hide. He wanted a better life for his Theo than the one he lived.
"Yes, my daughter is more precious to me than anything."
"As it should be. I'm delighted to see my daughters as happy as they are. Though I'm sure Eliza would be happier if that husband of hers pulled himself away from his papers long enough to remember her presence and combat the rumors beginning to surface about him." That piqued Aaron's interest.
"Rumors?"
"Many here upstate are beginning to think Hamilton is crooked, no doubt fueled by slanderous lies spread by those Democratic-Republicans. He can't put down a quill long enough to address them and put them to rest." Senator Schuyler shook his head before turning his full attention to his daughters. Aaron decided to tuck that new information away; perhaps it could be useful later.
Aaron lay in the grass next to Theodosia and Elizabeth. The lake in the park near the Schuyler estate was a beautiful addition to the land around them. The place seemed ethereal in its stillness, as if it was frozen in time, and here they lay, three naked bodies tangled in each other as if they were the only people on earth. Aaron was hyperaware that that couldn't be furthest from the truth but Elizabeth and Theodosia were content to chat to each other and act otherwise until Aaron could stand it no more, he needed to know how this worked between the three of them and Alexander. What did Alexander even know of this? Did he actively decide to not participate? He needed answers.
"How are we doing this? How does this... work?" Aaron asked suddenly, cutting through the women's conversation.
"How does what work?" Theodosia asked.
"This. Us. I need to know parameters. I need guidelines, rules." He knew his voice showed more of his bewilderment at the situation than he expressly wished it to but he felt comfortable around the two women. He probably wouldn't show this vulnerability to Hamilton, not with who he was when the lights came on and with his competitive nature he would no doubt throw it in Burr's face one day without expressly meaning to.
"Alexander and I made... agreements upon our engagement. He told me of his past relationships and we agreed that should there ever be a situation where he wished to engage in sexual relations, I was to be notified immediately and vice versa for myself. I am to meet whoever it is that Alexander chooses to engage with and I am to introduce him to my lovers. If we wish to all participate together, it would have to be a unanimous decision among all parties involved." She talked about it like it was a business transaction, clauses in a contract. Perhaps it was and Aaron was none the wiser.
"My first husband and I had something of the same arrangement. I had my lovers and he had his, though it never overlapped with each other. Once the war started... well, things changed. We shared different ideologies and I met Aaron, at which point I was ready to move on. I don't find your arrangement with your husband so outlandish, Eliza." Theodosia explained. Aaron had never heard that explanation of her relationship with her first husband, but he did not react to it. It put things into prospective if nothing else.
"Most of Alexander's lovers have been men and I prefer it that way. Most of mine have been men as well, though there have been a few women. Rarely does it ever go deeper than physical satisfaction. There was John Laurens, but I think he perhaps felt more for Alexander than Alexander did for him. And of course, there is you, Aaron."
"And what about Angelica?" Aaron asked offhand. He wanted the attention off of himself; he did not feel comfortable discussing his feelings for the Hamiltons with Theodosia present, even if she was now just as much a participant in this sin as he was. He did not expect Elizabeth's strong response.
"What about Angelica?" She asked, her voice now having a harder edge to it.
"She and Hamilton have... an attraction to each other, that much is clear."
"Oh, that. Yes, I am aware of their... attachment, but Alexander knows better than to cross that line."
"Alexander rarely knows when not to push boundaries." Aaron retorted with a hint of disbelief.
"Rarely, yes, but sometimes even he can understand the delicateness of a situation. I know of the emotional affair they seem fit to have, but I also know it will never go beyond that. What they write to each other in letters I am content to remain blissfully unaware of, but should that attraction ever extend to the bedroom, well..." Aaron was not certain of that logic; it seemed flawed in a way. Elizabeth allowed her sister and husband to conduct an emotional affair under her nose, which for all intents and purposes was perhaps even more hurtful than a physical attachment, and feigned ignorance towards it but yet she allowed him to conduct physical affairs with anyone he wanted, unless they were a woman then she would have a greater sense of reticence.
Internally, Aaron laughed. So Elizabeth Hamilton was not perfect after all, and the sword she fell on was one only too common: jealousy. It seemed so out of place in the situation they found themselves in. Maybe even she didn't fully understand the lines set in this relationship.
That, oddly enough, made him feel better about this whole thing.
He stayed upstate for no more than two weeks before leaving Theodosia and Theo there. He felt better about his decision once he got confirmation that Elizabeth Hamilton was indeed human and not a demon disguised as an angel come to destroy him. The Hamiltons had a way of appearing as things that weren't strictly of this earth. Whether they were from hell or heaven one could never be entirely sure and so it gave Aaron great pleasure to be able to peal those otherworldly layers away and stare at the imperfect human beneath that. With Alexander his imperfections were a dime a dozen, though he certainly thought otherwise, but with Elizabeth it was harder to see past the halo she exuded. And so, her humanity confirmed, Aaron made his way back to the city. He spent two weeks trying to figure out how to approach Hamilton. No doubt he'd be engrossed in his work to get his debt plan approved, but Aaron needed to speak with him about several things. Coincidentally, he encountered him walking along the street as he thought of how to approach him.
"Ah, Mr. Secretary."
"Mr. Burr, sir." Alexander seemed distracted which wasn't uncommon but there was something else there that Aaron couldn't place. But hey, at least he was out of the house. In an effort to ensure that Alexander stuck around and got some fresh air, he kept up the small talk. Alexander was distracted through most of it until Aaron mentioned the debt plan and he became more aware.
"I guess I'm going to finally have to listen to you."
"Really?"
"Talk less, smile more. Do whatever it takes to get my plan on the congress floor." Aaron did not like the sound of that at all. Putting aside the fact that he made him sound like a villain from a children's novel, Aaron was very aware that Hamilton had no restraint or boundaries and he wished not to think of just what Alexander would do to make sure this debt plan passed.
"Madison and Jefferson are merciless." He advised.
"Do you know that from experience, Aaron?" That was a loaded question and one Aaron couldn't quite believe Alexander was asking him. He was a sinner, yes, but he kept his sins contained to the Hamiltons. Alexander? Well, Aaron really didn't want to know who all Alexander messed around with. He had no agreement of transparency with him as Elizabeth had, and as long as he told Elizabeth about his lovers, Aaron was fine with being blissfully ignorant. Except for now. Now Hamilton was all but telling him that he would do anything and everything necessary just to get a bill passed. Was he looking for approval from him? Was he just toying with him? Did he even care what Aaron thought?
"I've heard things, Alexander; I would tread lightly with the Virginians if I were you."
"Well, hate the sin, love the sinner." Once again there was something else there, something that went beyond Jefferson and Madison. Perhaps even beyond Aaron and Elizabeth, but Aaron had no idea what it was. Alexander spoke in double entendres and had multiple conversations at once. One could never truly be sure what conversation he was having at that moment or if he could keep track of them himself.
"Hamilton!" Madison called behind them.
"Sorry Burr, I gotta go."
"But-"
"Decisions are happening over dinner."
Hamilton walked away and over time Aaron found out about the deal behind closed doors. He didn't need to think very long about what could've happened to sway Jefferson and Madison. Alexander could be oh so persuasive when he put his mind to it. When he put his "skin in the game".
The art of the compromise.
It was something Aaron previously wanted no part of. He did not want to compromise on the Constitution but now here he was. What had he really done with himself compared to Alexander Hamilton who had started at the very same time but climbed while Aaron remained stagnant? Every dog had their day and it was high time for Aaron to have his. He would have to hold his nose and close his eyes; do whatever it takes, Alexander had said. Well, why not? Why not do whatever it took in order to get what he wanted? Hamilton did it more than enough himself. He auctioned off pieces of himself like currency. Maybe Aaron should take a page from his book.
"Since when are you a Democratic-Republican?" Alexander asked, barging into Aaron's office. He expected as much once the news of him defeating Phillip Schuyler hit the papers.
"Since being one put me on the up and up again." It was a little thing. Changing political parties was hardly worse than offering himself to Jefferson and Madison.
"No one knows who you are or what you do." Aaron shrugged.
"They don't need to know me; they don't like you and that more than affected Phillip Schuyler's campaign, which you would know if you had simply joined us upstate."
"Excuse me?"
"Wall Street loves you, but the people think you're crooked and that reflects on your family. Not that you seem to care. The world passes by around you, Alexander, while you stand oblivious to matters beyond the political. But you weren't so wrong. I've been complicit in watching you grab the power and kiss it while I remain shut out. I took a stand with pride for once. The old man wanted a break. Schuyler's seat was up for grabs, so I took it."
"I've always considered you a friend."
"I don't see why that has to change. Politics are politics; it doesn't have to affect us personally."
"You changed parties to run against my father-in-law. How much more personal can it get?!"
"I changed parties to seize the opportunity I saw. I swear your pride will be the death of us all."
"You disgust me." Alexander spat, shaking his head at him, before walking out of Aaron's home.
It didn't feel like as noble a victory as Aaron had thought it would.
He didn't expect a visit from any of the Hamiltons thereafter, but soon enough Elizabeth came.
"Mrs. Hamilton." He said, his voice professionally distant.
"No need to be so formal, Aaron... yet anyway. I came to offer my congratulations." Aaron raised an eyebrow, curious as to what her game was.
"I defeated your father, why would you congratulate me? Alexander thinks it fit to condemn me to hell."
"I understand how this system works perhaps more than even he does. I have grown up with the art of politics playing out before me. I understand that these things happen. Besides, my father needed a break. His health has been of concern lately." Aaron nodded.
"That said it does complicate any further relations we wish to have. We can't be seen in public together and Alexander..."
"Alexander has cast me aside."
"Aaron-"
"He did so some time ago. He's lost interest in me. I figured it would happen eventually. He's never satisfied and this has just given him a reason that he can justify to himself for his lack of feeling toward me."
"He is my husband, and though I have affections towards you I-"
"You don't have to explain to me, Elizabeth. I understand the risk I took when I ran against your father. It isn't as if this could have continued on forever, is it?" The words felt bitter coming off his lips. He kept his tone even, understanding, and unperturbed. Inside he could feel his defenses shattering around him. Elizabeth looked... contrite, regretful but resolute. Aaron didn't wish to dwell over it.
"You will extend my apologies to Theodosia, won't you? I wish I could tell her in person, but to go to your home would no doubt stir up rumors that could-"
"I understand; I will tell her."
"Aaron..." Elizabeth trailed off, before pulling Aaron close to her by his collar and pressing their lips together. Aaron wished more than anything to make it last, but it was dangerous to do so and so he pulled away after a few seconds.
"I'm sure I will see you around town, Mrs. Hamilton."
"Of course, Mr. Burr. It was lovely to..." She trailed off as if trying to find words that escaped her.
"It was lovely." She said before walking away. Aaron resolutely did not break down; he did not allow his true emotions to show. He had something to work towards now and no distractions in his way. The Senate is just the beginning, he would work hard until he made it all the way to the top of the hill. Once he's there, no one can again deny him his due.
Theodosia dies soon after, leaving him well and truly alone. He breaks then, breaks harder than he ever has done before. However, he pulls himself together by his bootstraps, lets his daughter and the promise of the room where it happens hold him firm and whole.
It becomes more of a necessity then.
He needs to be in the room, he needs it like he needs air. It becomes something not entirely inanimate, not just a goal to aspire to, it is the only goal. It is everything. It's the only thing that could fill the giant holes being punched into his heart at every loss he's made to endure. He will not lose it to Hamilton or anyone else.
Burr sits back and works on himself and his political career and things begin to turn around for him. He begins to climb and Hamilton begins to fall and it was his own fault. Aaron told him his pride would only lead to his downfall. He had advised him to talk less and smile more time and time again, yet he could never take Aaron's advice.
Sure, John Adams wasn't the best presidential candidate in the world but alienating those in his own party, especially the president, was foolish. So, down Hamilton fell. Jefferson, being who he was, wanted Hamilton silenced indefinitely and so he, Madison and Jefferson found themselves at Hamilton's home late at night. Aaron had not been there in years and now here they were accusing him of embezzlement. Alexander was plenty of things, not all of them good, but Aaron highly doubted he was guilty of this crime. It didn't matter though, it looked enough like he was guilty of it and that was what mattered to Jefferson, until Hamilton brought out the letter and handed it to Aaron. He gave him a hard, dispassionate look as he passed it over and Aaron opened it and read it aloud.
"Dear Sir, I hope this letter finds you in good health and in a prosperous enough position to put wealth in the pockets of people like me: down on their luck. You see, that was my wife who you decided to-" Aaron stopped then. Of course this was what it was truly about. Of course Hamilton would be blackmailed over this. He silently listened to him outline the parameters of the affair, not saying anything over it. Jefferson and Madison eventually saw themselves out, but Hamilton stopped Burr before he could leave.
"Burr! How do I know you won't use this against me the next time we go toe to toe? Because, if truth be told, you have more to lose than I do should the full details of all of my affairs be laid bare."
"That's true enough. That's why I have nothing to say on the matter. It's not me you should be worried about, it's Jefferson and Madison."
"They have more to lose as well if my... dealings with them came to light." Alexander said it in that tone he used when he said thoughts he didn't mean to voice out-loud. Aaron scoffed then, half at his suspicions over their deal being confirmed and half over the fact that he still knew that tone after all this time. He made to leave then. He had no stake in this anymore. Whatever Alexander got up to was not his business. They were no longer attached, however...
However, Aaron's heart could be a traitorous thing when it came to the Hamiltons and he couldn't help but find himself stopping and asking questions.
"1791 is when you paid this man. That's the same year as when my family went upstate with your family, despite your absence. You were acting strange when I returned." Aaron said.
"Yes, why?"
"I don't care overmuch, but I do sometimes indulge curiosity."
"What are you asking me?"
"I'm asking you if you conducted your affair with Mr. Reynolds' wife while Elizabeth, Theodosia and I were upstate with your father-in-law."
"Yes, I did." Alexander said plainly, his voice holding no inflection of emotion.
"Did Elizabeth know?"
"No, she did not."
"But you knew about us?"
"Yes, I did. You ask an awful lot of questions for a man who doesn't care." Aaron did not answer that. He wished he could lie about this and say it didn't bother him at all, that he didn't care, but the truth was that he did care. He cared too much. It was years ago, there was no point to caring. Their entire relationship was an ungodly mess. What did it matter that it was apparently even messier than he knew, what with Hamilton's lovers on the side?
Except it did matter.
Alexander sighed after Aaron did not answer.
"Burr, I just need to know that the silence they promised will be kept."
"I don't know, but rumors only grow. And we both know what we know."
And lord knew they knew way too much about each other.
The Reynolds Pamphlet is published and Aaron can only thank his lucky stars Alexander kept his confession to just the affair with Maria Reynolds and nothing else, but he can also feel sympathy for Elizabeth and her children whose lives Alexander was doing no favors for. He does not see Elizabeth then, nor when Phillip Hamilton dies. He has other things to focus on though he does extend his condolences. Years pass and so much happens. He represents Maria Reynolds in her divorce, Theo gets married and has a son, things are looking more and more promising in his political affairs and he continues to climb. The Hamiltons move uptown and Aaron does not see them again until he is campaigning.
"Well, if it isn't Aaron Burr. Sir!"
"Alexander!" To say he is surprised would be an understatement, but he was also delighted. Alexander looked older, wearier, more subdued but he was also smiling.
"You've created quite a stir, sir."
"I'm going door to door!"
"You're openly campaigning? That's new."
"Honestly, it's kind of draining." Burr allowed himself to admit. They were no longer bitter rivals cum lovers, it felt easier to give that information away. It wasn't meant to be easy after all.
"Burr, is there anything you wouldn't do?" There was a judgmental edge to his voice that didn't endear him to Aaron, but he did not snap.
"No. I'm chasing what I want. And you know what?"
"What?"
"I learned that from you." Hamilton stared at him for a moment before nodding.
"Would you like to come in? Elizabeth is here, I'm sure she'd be delighted to see you." Aaron wavered not sure if this was a good idea or not.
"We won't bite. It's just... it's been a long time and the quiet uptown can be lonely."
"I... sure, why not?"
Finding himself in bed once again with the Hamiltons was nowhere in his agenda.
Hamilton backs Jefferson and Aaron sees red. How could he? After everything they'd been through, he couldn't even give Aaron this one thing. Where had Aaron gone wrong? What had he ever done to deserve this man's hatred? He would demand answers from him even if it took blood to get it.
He sits alone in his office.
He does this most days now ever since Weehawken. He drinks a lot now too; a bottle of liquor is never far from his hand. It doesn't make him forget, he forgets nothing at all. Not Hamilton's smile or his scathing words. Not his kiss or his verbal smacks. Not his love or his hatred. But drinking dulls the pain if nothing else. It keeps him from constantly trying to scrub his hands raw, the hands that once held Hamilton, the hands that killed him.
He was all but ousted from the government. Despite his status as Vice President, he was shut out from actually doing anything by Jefferson. When he tried to get his Senate seat back, he lost it to Phillip Schuyler who decided his break was long enough and he was now probably the most hated man in America. No one hated him more than he hated himself.
Except, perhaps, one person.
He hadn't seen or talked to Elizabeth since before the duel. He had heard many rumors about her but nothing confirmed personally, and Aaron was fine with that. Alexander sent him a letter before he died forgiving him for shooting him, telling him that he was not angry at him, telling him he had always loved him and hadn't always known how to show it. Aaron was not fine with that. Sometimes if he drank enough he could fool himself into forgetting that he ever received that letter. Sometimes he could fool himself into believing Elizabeth did not exist, so he did not have to agonize over her pain or her loneliness. It required a lot of liquor, more than his house contained, and so he found himself out on the streets intent on purchasing all the alcohol he could carry.
After a time, he noticed he was being followed as he walked down the street. He wondered if it was the man who stalked him sometimes. The man had only had the gall to approach him once when Aaron had been particularly drunk. The man had beaten him with a cane and Aaron let him, partly because he was too drunk to defend himself, partly because he was amazed the man finally approached and partly because it was recompense for Alexander. Aaron would fight any murder charge held against him (more so for his daughter's sake) but he would not fight vigilante justice. He glanced behind him to see if it was his stalker friend, but was instead confronted with something entirely different. The figure in the street was dressed in all black with a cloak obscuring it's face. It practically glided down the street rather than walked. It looked like death.
"Well, if it is my time, if I've finally drank myself to death, then so be it." The figure crept closer and closer before it spoke.
"I've been called many things, but I don't think I've been called death incarnate before." Aaron froze as he watched Elizabeth take down the cloak's hood. He watched her approach him though he did not look at her face. She kept walking until she had gotten a few feet ahead of him, before looking back.
"Aren't you joining me?" He hesitated for a moment before he began walking down the street next to her. He didn't speak while they walked. That didn't stop her.
"I like it uptown. Have you been, outside of your campaigning? It's quiet, a good kind of quiet. It leaves one alone with their thoughts, allows them to reflect and remember. I needed that when Phillip died. It helped with Alexander as well. You should consider spending some time uptown. I still own the house we had before we returned to the city." Elizabeth led them on their journey and it was a long walk. The entire time she went on and on about how it was uptown, talking nonstop in a way that reminded him of Alexander before they came upon her house.
"Thank you for your company, Mr. Burr." She said, turning towards her home. He opened his mouth for the first time in an hour.
"I'm so-"
"Don't. Don't apologize. Alexander did not hold you responsible and, though it took time, I no longer hold you responsible either. Or rather if there is responsibility to be had, it lies with all of us in a way. It was a fine mess we created of our lives. I no longer wish for any more of us to die with this web still as tangled as it is." Aaron did not answer that but she didn't seem to want an answer.
"Will you join me tomorrow for another walk?" He hesitated before nodding silently to which she smiled lightly.
They met every night after that. They would walk the empty, oft times cold, New York streets and Elizabeth would tell him about how different it was uptown compared to the city. She would detail her endeavors to understand Alexander's writings, her journey to record the stories of the soldiers she met with, her lobbying against slavery and her fundraising for the Washington Monument and how she was planning to build a private orphanage.
He would remain silent and often times she must've felt like she was talking at him rather than talking with him, which felt backwards. He was the transgressor, he should be the one seeking her out, seeking out her forgiveness and yet he found he could no more do so than he could find the strength to forgive himself. He would stare at Alexander's letter every day; he would read through the old letters Theodosia sent him along with the new letters sent to him every day by Theo and he would feel the weight of every decision he made crushing him.
It is only after Theo dies along with his grandson and he needs someone then more than ever that he says anything during their walks.
"I think the only person who loathes Jefferson more than me is Martha Washington really. He is making it very difficult to get the monument built. The plans are ever-changing, which means the budget is as well. I thought Martha was going to bludgeon him with her cane the last time they saw each other." Elizabeth said, quietly chuckling to herself.
"And don't get me started on how he-"
"It's quiet uptown." Aaron said suddenly in a soft tone. Elizabeth jumped slightly. She had probably become accustomed to hearing only her voice during these meetings.
"Yes. Yes, it is Aaron." She said with a small smile.
"Theo would've liked it, I think. I invited her to come here after her son's death because I thought she would like the quiet and then her ship..." Elizabeth did not bother telling him it wasn't his fault. He wouldn't have believed.
"Perhaps she would've liked it. Would you like the quiet, Aaron? I can take you there." He did not deserve the quiet. He did not deserve Elizabeth's presence. He did not understand how she did not hate him as much as he hated himself for taking Alexander away, but he also knew he could not go through the unimaginable by himself, not without someone who had been through it as well.
Elizabeth held out a hand towards him.
"I can take you uptown."
He took her hand.
Notes: I was trying to not make it seem like Eliza was too forgiving and she very well might not have been. We don't see her journey between the time Hamilton is killed to when she approaches Burr, we don't get into her head, we're just as lost trying to navigate her motives as Aaron is. The same can be said for Alexander.
Aaron feels like he is cut from the same cloth as Eliza but he does not understand her nor does he understand Theodosia or Alexander. These misunderstandings only further lead to their descent.
If anyone has any questions feel free to ask in the comments because I really had some puzzling out to do myself towards the end and I don't want anyone to feel confused.