Turned out to hurt more than I thought it would.
She almost said it. It was the tip of her mouth. She wasn't fine, she wasn't good. She was hurting inside from what he had done. She was hurting because he wasn't there anymore, to ease her pain. To put his arms around her sleeping form and pull her into his embrace kissing her neck to lull her into sleep. She missed that, she missed him. After only a few days without him. She already regretted what she had done. Truth be told, she regretted it the moment his eyes met hers. That day when she offered him a bagel as a peace offering, when he looked at her, it was different. It wasn't the look of lust, of adoration of simply looking at her and trying desperately to hide that smile that was forming on his face. No, he looked tired and worn out. He looked hurt and in pain more than anything. The way he looked at her told her everything, even before he said them. Before the words telling her that it was over left his soft lips. It was over. All of it was over.
"It shouldn't have to be a fight."
Maybe, maybe not. Maybe she should've fought with herself hard enough to over her stupid fears that looked so little now. Now that there was no use of getting over them because there was no more Martin. There wasn't anyone, or anything to make her actually want to make an effort to overcome it. She wished she had known how much he mattered to her. She wished he knew how much she cared and maybe even loved him. But how could he? How could she? They were too busy pretending. She was pretending that he was just a warm body to sleep and cuddle with at night. He then figured he was just that. A person she was sleeping with, no strings attached.
Coz I just can't handle loosing you again
But the last thing I want is to just be friends
We've been through the same thing time and time again
She treated him like he didn't mean anything. It was easier that way. At work, during a case, she would merely just get the details then walk away. None of the friendly—even flirty—banter existed anymore. To her, he was only a colleague. Not a lover, not a friend. He was just someone she had to face everyday for the sake of financial needs.
But then, it had to happen. He had to get himself shot. Twice. That whole day, she knew she was all over the place. She knew that her concentration was shot down the moment she reached the crime scene. The moment that she saw blood, his blood,on the concrete at the side of the car. Damn it. Damn him! Just when she thought she would be okay, he had to do that. She had just stated to stop crying as soon as her foot had stepped in the confides of her home. She had just started to get at least three hours of sleep. She had just started to get it all together as much as she could. Just started to go back out trying to enjoy her life as much as she could!
Sitting there next to him on his hospital bed, his hands in hers holding it tight not wanting to let go. It didn't matter that he already had. Let go of them. There was so much more that she possessed, so much more that he was giving her. True that they were no longer "them", no longer "Samantha and Martin", but that didn't mean they could no longer be friends. That didn't mean that they could no longer enjoy each other's company. All she needed to do was just, hold on. Let time heal old wounds. Let the feelings fade, even just for a little. Even just a little.
Sitting there with him hearing all the machines beeping and him in a coma. She couldn't figure out if it was medically induced or not, but she hardly cared. He was there, and she had a fifty percent chance that he would either remember or not even know she was there. The trick was to get out of there before he stirs. Before he awakes from his "coma". But did she really want to just leave him there, alone? She knew more than anything that waking up alone in a cold, lonely hospital room was something that hurt her more than anything. Especially with the pain that came along with getting shot. She then decided, she was going to be there. She was going to be there until he wakes up. To prove to him that she did care. To prove to him that she was there for him if whether he wanted her to be, or not. She knew she hasn't been there for him before. But, that didn't mean she wouldn't be now.
"I know, that I haven't been there for you. But I'm here now, and I'm not going anywhere until I know you're alright."
Let's Pretend
(Let's pretend everything's fine)
Put on our fake smiles and keep wasting our time
Let's pretend we're fine
Go out in style and come home in denial
Let's pretend we're fine
She heard from many how he was doing. She failed to stick to her promise. She hadn't come to visit him since that night. It was just Danny was on desk duty and the people of New York just loved to go missing. It was only her and Jack doing the field work and that made it so much harder for her to get out of there and go to visit him. She wanted to desperately. Everyone seemed to have the time, even Jack, to go over and visit him. Was she too consumed in her work, was she too busy making excuses to herself when in reality she was just afraid to face him again? Maybe that was it. That was always it. She was always scared. That was why she was where she was in the first place. Why she was were she was, on a Friday night, she was in the office working eighteen hour shifts to finish the work that needed to be done. She told herself it was just for Vivian's sake. She didn't want her to stress with the paperwork. But even lying didn't work because next thing she knew, she was sitting on his desk working on his computer. It smelled like him, and that made it all better.
"You look good."
She was speaking from experience. Six weeks when she was shot, she could barely even get to the bathroom by herself—not saying she didn't—but it took her about five minutes to take the ten steps from her bed to the damn bathroom. To see him walking around, being at work, it was a refreshing sight to see. He looked good, as he always did. His hair was cut and he had a smile on his face. A smile she had to at least admit she missed seeing. They had gone out that night. She came back making some lame excuse about forgetting something—kinda like she did on the case with the kids in the bus—only this time he seemed to read right through her and was the one to offer drinks.
As friends. Drinks with him, as friends. It went well, at least it was better than she had thought it would've. He apologized to her for breaking up with her like that, she apologized for treating him the way she had. But the end of the night, they had agreed to at least keep a professional relationship and a friendship. With a smile, she agreed to it. She hoped more than anything that he couldn't read behind her smile for she wanted not only to be his friend, but to be back in his arms as his lover. She knew that was asking too much though. So she decided to not even mention it. That night, she cried once more. Cried for something she didn't know what.
Lie to ourselves
Lie to everyone else
Danny had come to her asking if she knew what was up with him. She shook her head, she didn't. How could she? He hadn't come to confined in her like they had promised each other that they would. She did notice something was different with him. She had thought that was just her though. She didn't blame him to even act like that around her. She figured that she earned it. That he had just realized she needed a taste of her own poison. The kind that makes you feel like your heart is shattering to little and little pieces slowly and painfully. Well, at least now she knew how he felt during their relationship.
Then it was too much, how he acted. It wasn't just her. It was everyone around him. Threatening a scumbag with a knife was unlike him. No matter how much the scumbag was, a scumbag. So, she paid him a visit, at his apartment. She had wondered if he had a woman over, with his reluctance to welcome her in his home—something he never did. It turned out to be something that would make her heart ache a little more than finding out there was a woman in his house. He was addicted to those stupid pain killers. He was in trouble and she didn't even notice until he just about hit rock bottom. At least she was there now right? At least she was there to help him get help. At least, now she could say she just about swore to her promise. She was there for him, until she knew he would be alright.
Take anymore of this make believe romance
Is killing my make believe mind
(It's killing my make believe mind)
But I'd rather pretend we're together
Than know we're apart
A year ago today, he attended his first NA meeting. A year ago today, he took that one step closer to being him again. Being the him that she learned to love. They sat around the karaoke bar listening to a white guy trying hard to be Justin Timberlake singing along to Sexyback.
"So, where's you're man Marty? He's running a bit late," Danny said motioning over to his watch. He was right, Martin was at least ten minutes late. The building where the meeting was held was about a block away.
"Maybe the meeting ran long?" she shrugged. "And just to make it clear, he's not my man. He hasn't been for like… two years."
"Wow, it's really been that long?"
"Yeah, don't even try to say anything. I don't feel like feeling to…" She stopped in the middle of her sentence. There he was, the brown hair blue eyed apple of her eye. There was one thing wrong with the picture though, his arm was around another woman. She was a brunette with a great smile.
"Hey guys! Sorry I'm late," he apologized as he came over to the booth that they were in the brunette still in his arms. Danny turned to look at him and raised an eyebrow at him. He hadn't met the girl yet. Those made her feel better, like she was still in the loop.
"It's alright, as long as you introduce us to your friend there."
"Oh right," Martin smiled looking at the girl. Samantha's blood boiled as he saw him squeeze her hand that he was holding over her shoulder. "Danny, Sam, this is Dana, Dana, these here are Danny and Samantha."
Dana smiled and shook both of their hands oblivious to the fact that Samantha wanted to just strangle her. "I've heard so much about you guys."
The night dragged on for her. Dana seemed perfect for him. She was smart, pretty, funny and from how Martin looked at her, she held his heart already. When had she gave it back and let another woman take it? She didn't know. Well, she never really had his heart, she said no to it. Damn. She found out that they had just started officially dating that night. Martin had been wooing her and seeing her in his free time trying to get her to say yes to him once he reached that year turning point. It was the story she thought she would have with him.
"You okay?" Danny asked her as the couple came out arms around each other. She didn't know what to say. Was she really that transparent to Danny?
"I don't have a choice."
That night, she entered her apartment a stranger's lips on her neck. Her mind processed the lips to be Martin's lips. It was like that with every guy after him. It was like she was living in an imaginary world. It was the feelings of his lips and his hands caressing her skin were anything but the flashbacks that they really are. She lived in a strange imaginary world. She wanted to get out. But pretending was much more fun. It hurt less at the nights when somebody else's arm were around her and she would call out his name. It was much better to pretend that there were still subtle touches under the conference table, or flirty looks every now and then.
She knew that when she comes in tomorrow, she would have a smile on her face as if she has never met the woman who took her place. The place she never wanted in the first place. She knew that if there were a subject to be brought out about "the other woman", she would smile and pretend like everything was great. As if she was genuinely happy that he found another woman. In her world, that was just a stupid imaginary world. She was twisted like that. The stupid mind that she had. The real world was the imaginary and the imaginary was the real. One of these days that stupid twisted reality of hers would come crushing down. But as of now, she believed what she did. It's all she's got left of him.