Discaimer: Mine? No. and the title is in NO FLIPPIN' WAY related to Anne Rice's book! Dont report me! I'm not breakin' any rules! I dont think. ok, I have no authors note... just an intervew... gagle...
Interview With the Vampire
Page 19; cover story of Belle Girl magazine.
I, Lana Lovejoy, recently interviewed the notorious Artemis Fowl II. It was a short conversation, and his answers were brief, but since this is such a coveted subject, and we havethe article exclusively, it is an honor to have been the reporter. On the left side of the page is a copy of the book, titled Artemis Fowl. The namesake refuses to be photographed. Here is the interview:
B G: Why are you so pale?
A F: I am a human being who is congenitally deficient in pigment. In other words, it is my dermatlogical disposition to be paler than others are. I also do not try to conduct skin cancer by sitting in ultra violet rays for mindless hours, trying to darken my skin tone. Does that answer your question at all?
B G: Yes, completely, sir.
A F: Good. Will there be anything further?
B G: Yes, sir. Why were you so ignorant of all the books published about you and the lower elements?
A F: I am choosing not to speak of that matter.
B G: Just a hint?
A F: I suppose... I have long since stopped reading children's books. As much as it pains me to say, the books published were not under my interest.
B G: Until now.
A F: It is my life. Of course, now that I have been notified of their existence, I am interested.
B G: Merely interested?
A F: I am peeved. The author had not requested permission to use my name or life.
B G: Are you going to sue him?
A F: I would if he hadn't disappeared. But I have other ways of extracting my revenge.
B G: How do you think he knew so much about your life?
A F: He was a close friend.
B G: Is he still?
A F: No, obviously not.
B G: How long have you two—
A F: Could we steer away from this subject, please? I actually preferred speaking about my complexion, rather than of a man who seems to have ceased to exist.
B G: I understand completely, sir. So, is there a love interest in your life?
(He looks at the contract we created, sighs, and cringes at me.)
A F: Yes.
B G: Wish to share?
(Glances at contract again, shudders.)
A F: I… am split between two significant others.
B G: Do they have names, sir?
A F: They are called Nathaniel Butler and Hazel... Moss.
B G: Excuse me, sir, but isn't Nathaniel your bodyguards' cousin?
A F: I see you've done your research. Yes, he is a relative of Domovoi Butler.
B G: And Hazel? Isn't she that short girl?
(He tenses up like I have said something alarming.)
A F: Yes she is rather… short. In fact, that was her mothers' maiden name.
B G: Holy Short?
(He nods curtly.)
B G: Interesting. So, sir, who are you going to choose?
A F: I am not obliged to answer that question. Do you not wish to know how I stopped the Race War from continuing?
B G: Briefly, sir, but we have head a loton the news program.
A F: All right, I will not go into depth. I simply… (At this point even my tape recorder stops listening. Finally, his 'brief' explanation is complete.)
B G: Are you going to change your name and move, to get away from the publicity?
A F: Certainly not. My family name is famous through the generations; a little publicity has never hurt us.
B G: Yes, I hearthe Fowlswere once accused of being vampires.
(He smiles slightly, but doesn't answer.)
B G: Who is that young girl you have been spotted with recently?
A F: Her name is Athena Fowl, and she is my daughter.
B G: Daughter?
A F: Yes, Hazel is her mother.
B G: I assume Nathaniel would be rather jealous.
A F: No, he helps raise Thena with us.
B G: Will she be a genius, like you?
A F: It is hard to tell at such an early age, but I believe the fact that she can already surf the Internet independently is a rather promising quality.
B G: How old is she, again?
A F: Thena is two years old.
B G: Wow. And you are twenty-seven, right, sir?
A F: That is correct.
B G: Plus the queen has knighted you! Between stately functions and raising a child, where do you find the time to plan anything, illegal or otherwise?
A F: I have my opportunities.
B G: So, back to this vampire thing, do you drink humans' blood, or can you live off of animals?
A F: You don't honestly think I'll answer that, do you?
B G: I hear vampires can't come out during the day, you must be a half, then?
A F: If you believe all those stupid cliché vampire novels then you must be more stereotypically blond than I thought.
B G: Hey!
A F: You brought it on yourself.
B G: That is no excuse to…
A F: If I am not mistaken, you called me a vampire!
B G: But you are!
A F: If you don't stop, I'll suck your blood.
B G: So you admit it!
A F: How clumsy of me.
B G: Whatever. Now, exactly how many university degrees do you have? I found a preposterously high number when I tried to research it.
A F: Sixty-seven. Oh, look at the time! I shall be late to pick up my daughter if I stay to answer any more absurd questions!
(I might add that he smiles like a creepy vampire while he says all this.)
B G: All right, good day, sir!
A F: That's one way to put it, I suppose.
(He walks out without saying goodbye. If that isn't a rude aristocrat, I don't know what is.)
And there you have it; the great Artemis Fowl is bisexual, a father and a knight. Unfortunately he is also a vampire, therefore does not show up on film. I assure you, though, if you had seen him, you would have been deeply affected. That is one man who does not wait for anybody.
Lana Lovejoy, reporter, wrote this article for Belle Girl magazine.
No, I did! Oh, well. Review.
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Do you think I should do more? I wasnt going to, but maybe a two-chapter thing could work... you tell me!