Hey all! So after reading way too many Zutara fanfics and getting annoyed at all the clichés, I decided to write this out for a fun little April Fool's thing. Haha enjoy; cause I honestly don't know what happened here. It was kind of an outburst of random ideas.

~Roze

"Hello! Zuko here!"

Fire Lord Zuko smiles and waves a friendly hand. Or at least he tries to. He frowns a second later when he notices the unaffected faces of his audience consisting of his servants, friends and family.

"It's still as awkward as the first time I said it, isn't it? Well, moving along. Today we have important matters to discuss." He slowly walks to his throne surrounded by a wall of orange flames. "First off, may I present to you, Avatar Aang and his findings."

The young monk steps into view and lifts his arms out in front of him. "As you all know, just a few hours ago I went into the avatar state, and I saw this one strange thing called fanfiction dot net. There's all these stories about us and… and we're being paired up together in love stories and stuff… they call it shipping or something."

The crowd remains silent with eyes wide open.

"I know, I know," Zuko appeases raising a hand up (unnecessarily). "At first I thought it was bizarre how anyone could get these crazy ideas; but after talking with my uncle, I think I've finally figured it out."

From amongst the crowd, Sokka facepalms before proceeding to listen to the Fire Lord's revelation.

Zuko continues with a strong, jubilant voice. "You know how the heart and mind work, right? Put two characters together and suddenly they'll feel a natural attraction. Isn't that all it takes? Here, let's do an example." He gestures a hand out to his servants. "Bring me Toph Beifong and uhh… the cabbage man."

Everyone in the room exchanges an incredulous look. Fire Lord Zuko is too engaged in his revelation to notice the strange looks. He takes a seat on his throne and clasps his hands together. "Now watch and learn."

The servants conveniently find the cabbage man just outside of the throne room and invite him in. Not a second later, the legendary earthebender, Toph Beifong, enters the room after being summoned. They stand a few feet away from each other as if about to spar.

Toph stands indifferently with her hands on her hips. With her bushy bangs covering her face and the smudges of dirt on her body, it appears very well that she had just rolled out of bed.

She lifts her head as a greeting the cabbage man. "'sup?"

The older man across from her shoves a cabbage in her face unbeknownst that she is blind. "Look," he says with a creepy smile. "Isn't it just the most beautiful thing in the world?" He snuggles the vegetable. "My life dreams and passions!~"

Toph frowns. "I'M BLIND!" She uses her fingers to droop her lower eyelids, accentuating the fact. "All I can tell is that it appears to be a giant lump of something."

"Well maybe you'd like the honour of feeling the incredible texture of this perfect cabbage?"

"I CAN'T EVEN RIGHT NOW!" The little girl screeches at the top of her lungs.

The old, happy man freezes in place. "What?"

Toph throws a hand in front to keep him away. "It's too much! Eww! I think I'm going to throw up!"

"Want a cabbage?"

"No."

"I can make you the best recipe comprised of cabbages to help settle your stomach," he joyfully responds.

"What is it with you and cabbages?" She practically spits the words in his face. "Why are you so creepily obsessed with them? That's disgusting, and you're a creep!"

The cabbage man's face falls and it's blatantly obvious that he's crushed. "I knew you wouldn't understand. How could you understand? That's all I ever look like to anyone." He cradles the cabbage head lovingly. "But you haven't been through what I have! Cabbages have been my savior since I was just a wee boy!" He points a stern finger in the earthbender's direction before shrieking, "I'm going to tell you my tragic backstory and make you feel pity for me now! Then you will understand!"

But Toph was already trudging her way out with her hands in her nonexistent pockets. "Okay, I'm going to go bother Sokka now."

And then, out of nowhere, she recognizes that lump of something heading her direction. Swiftly, Toph whips around, flinging the incoming cabbage to the side and causing it to make a mighty dent in the palace walls.

A moment of silence overtakes the room.

Until, of course, Toph breaks it with her high pitched frustrated scream. "Did you just throw a cabbage at me?!"

The old man merely crosses his arms smugly. "Hmph!"

"Oh, it's on like donkey kong!"

From the sidelines, Aang wrinkles his nose in confusion. "Where did she learn that phrase?" he whispers to Zuko who ignores the question and watches the scene unravel with excitement twinkling in his golden eyes. "Zuko?" Aang tries again waving a hand in front of the Fire Lord's face. "What's a donkey kong?"

The two experimenting characters take a fighting stance before they start hurling stones and cabbages at each other at the speed of lightning.

At this, Zuko stands and applauds. "And that's how it's done! Perfect! Wow! I think they like each other!"

Aang only stares in confusion. "But… they're going world war on each other."

"Yeah!" But then the firebender turns to face his friend, suddenly doubting his ideas. His face drops in confusion. "That's how it's supposed to work, right?"

He doesn't wait for an answer as his mouth lifts into a smile again. "Yeah, that is right," he reassures himself before addressing his audience. "Okay! Now go and write some shipping fan fictions about these two! Toph and the cabbage man! I expect tons!"

At the sight of gaping mouths and confusion scrawled on everyone's faces, Zuko stomps his foot and fuels his wall of flames with more energy. "I am your Fire Lord! You must do it now!"

Then Katara appears out of nowhere. "Zuko!"

Hearing this, his face lights up like the spirits had just blessed him. "Katara!"

The master waterbender skips over to him with outreached arms. "It's been four years but I need to tell you something important," she says sweetly.

Zuko's eyes widen as he gently takes her hands in his. "Really?" he gasps. "I have something I need to tell you too."

"Guys, you know you have an audience here, right?" Sokka shouts, reminding the Fire Lord that all his servants, friends and family are all right there in front of them.

Ignoring the water tribe warrior, Zuko tightens his hold on Katara and their eyes meet. "Tell it to me fast before something stupid interrupts us," he whispers.

Katara narrows her eyes. "What could possibly interrupt us?"

"Oh, you'd be surprised."

The waterbender slowly opens her mouth and is just about to speak when Zuko beats her to it. "Faster," he insists.

"I— what do you mean faster?" she questions.

"Nothing, just tell me."

"I lo—"

CRASH

And what do you know? One of the cabbage man's cabbages had crashed into a random glass cup, causing it to fall and shatter. (Oh, you thought I forgot that Toph and the cabbage man were still sparring? No, it's still going on in the background.)

"Zuko! I lo—" Katara tries again, but Aang forcefully tears the two apart.

"Katara, what are you doing?" the Avatar asks with tears in his eyes.

The Fire Lord shakes his head and respectfully nudges Aang away. "I told you this would happen. Why is it in every story that when we're about to say these words, something has to interr—KATARAILO—"

"ZUKOOOOOO! It's time for tea!" Iroh bellows out, appearing from the side.

The poor Fire Lord sinks to his knees at the fact that even at the most random and unexpected times, he could not get those three words out.

"Zuko," Katara tries again for the third time. "I lo—"

"KATARA! OUR GRAN GRAN HAS SUDDENLY FALLEN ILL AND NEEDS YOUR HELP!" Sokka screams out, rushing towards her.

But Zuko and Katara are persistent.

"I lo—"

"FIRE LORD ZUKO! You've got an extremely urgent message from the Earth Kingdom!" a random admiral declared as he shamelessly marches into the throne room holding a scroll.

"I l—"

"RAWRRRR!" Aang shouts as his eyes and tattoos start glowing.

"I lov—"

BOOM

An earth coated cabbage smashes into the wall next to the couple, and they peer over to see Toph and the cabbage man smirking at them. Toph readies another earth coated cabbage.

"I—"

BOOM

"Zuko—"

"Katara I—"

BOOM

"…love—"

BOOM

Zuko throws his hands up in defeat and growls. "I give up."

Suddenly, all the commotion from a second ago seizes and everything settles back into a calm environment. The Fire Lord raises an eyebrow. It's Toph that breaks the silence with her little cackle.

"You know we're just playing with ya," she remarks with a grin. "So did we make it interesting yet?"

END