A/N: So here's the thing. This might be complete crap, so consider yourselves henceforth disclaimed. But this idea has been on my mind (and this song has been stuck in my head) for longer than I can remember, so I just need to get it out of my system.
It's set in current time (2012/season 12, but no spoilers), and based around the song "Don't You Wanna Stay" by Jason Aldean and Kelly Clarkson. I think the song is beautiful, and the lyrics are strikingly perfect for especially Sara's position in life. So… see what you think.
I'm going to update "A Priori" soon, but I figured since it'll take me at least a good couple weeks to get that one wrapped up, I'd post this now. Enjoy the rest of your Sunday (and the Super Bowl, if you watch. I'm just watching Kelly sing the National Anthem, and then it's movie time!)
Sara awoke with a jolt, breathless and with tears streaming down her face. She sat up straight, clutching her chest and willing her heart to slow down and her breathing to return to her. She glanced at the other side of the bed, where her husband lay face-down on his stomach, still deep in sleep. Quietly, she slipped from the warmth of the covers, tip-toed across the bedroom and closed the door behind her. Once outside, she let herself fall into auto-pilot, letting her body decide for itself how best to distract her from what she'd just seen, whether that be on the treadmill she kept in the garage for when it was too cold to run outside or with an enormous bowl of cereal in the kitchen. Instead, she felt herself drifting towards the bathroom, and within minutes, she was immersed in the hot water of the shower, closing her eyes and letting the heat envelop her like a warm hug, concentrating on the feel of the drops of water falling against her skin.
She washed her hair and body without realizing she was doing so, but even as the minutes passed and she stood still under the steady stream of water, she couldn't make herself get out – away from the steam and into the chilly hall. It was only when the water started turning cold, a product of old pipes, that she toweled herself off, slipped back into her pajamas and crept back into her bedroom. She couldn't help but smile at him, the blankets tangled around his legs. He hadn't moved, but as she crawled back into bed beside him, he stirred and murmured, turning his head ever so slightly to blink at her sleepily.
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I didn't want to wake you."
"You smell good," he said, his voice thick with drowsiness.
"I took a shower."
He lifted his head a few inches from the pillow to glance over Sara's shoulder.
"At 3 a.m.?" he questioned.
She swallowed hard.
"Yeah," she whispered. "It's the only thing that helps."
She lifted her hand to her forehead to knead away the pounding that she felt there, but she realized her fingers were trembling. She quickly put her hand beneath her head, hoping he didn't see.
But instead, her husband pulled his head further from his pillow, the worry on his face clear as day, even in the darkness of the room.
"Sara? Are you okay?"
His questioned lingered between them. All she had to manage was a convincible 'yes', maybe an 'I couldn't sleep' to help back it up. But somehow, the words got lost in her throat, and all she could manage was a sob. She could feel his unease quickly turn to concern as he slipped an arm around her shoulder. In the warmth of his embrace, her one sob turned into many, the tears slipping out no matter how much she willed them at bay. His hand was cradling her face, she leaned into his touch. She realized how tightly she was holding onto him, and tried to let go just a little. She knew she was going to have to explain herself.
"It's funny," she whispered when her sobs finally began to subdue. "I wasn't even there. You were. And Catherine and Nick and Greg. I wasn't there, but I can see it clear as day."
Gil pushed her further into his chest. His hand was buried deep into her hair. He whispered his next words into her forehead.
"See what honey?"
"Warrick," she choked.
Instinctively, she felt his muscles tighten around her. But she pulled away just a little, wanting to continue while she could.
"I've been missing him so much," she whispered. "All these new guys on the team… I like them. I do. I like them. I just…"
"Can't help but remember how things used to be?" he finished softly for her.
She nodded.
"Yeah," she said quietly. "And thinking about him means that when I go to sleep, I… I…"
"Oh, Sara," he breathed. "Has this happened often?"
"A few times – about Warrick," she replied. "Nightmares themselves, well… they're…"
"Frequent," he finished for her again. "I'm so sorry I'm not here for you."
"I promise I didn't mean to wake you," she repeated. "I wanted you to keep sleeping…"
He reached for her and drew her back into his chest. They slid deeper into the blankets.
"I dream of him too," he admitted softly.
She buried herself deeper into him, wanting to fully immerse herself in the comforting smell and feel of him next to her. She felt his fingers tracing soft circles on her back. Perhaps if they stayed close enough, they would only dream of each other.
His fingers trailed upward, around the nape of her neck and into her hair. He twisted the strands between his fingers before brushing them back softly, and trailing the pads of his fingertips across her cheek. He dipped his head a little, tilting her chin up, and pressing his lips against hers. They kissed slowly, deeply, the rumbles of pleasure and desire and happiness growing within him. When he lifted his other hand to cup her face, he found trails of moisture on her cheeks.
I really hate to let this moment go
Touching your skin and your hair falling slow
When a goodbye kiss
Feels like this
For a moment, he froze. He had seen Sara cry many times before, had held her while she cried, but never before had she started crying as they kissed. It took him aback, and he was unsure of what to say, or how to act. Until he realized this was Sara, his wife, the woman he loved more than anything else in the world. It wasn't so complicated after all.
"Sara?" he whispered softly. "The nightmares… is that all that's bothering you?"
She drew in a shaky breath and hastily wiped her tears, obviously embarrassed. She tried pulling away from him, but he held firm to her body, keeping it pressed close to his.
"No," she admitted softly.
"What is it?" he asked, letting his fingers return to her hair. "Whatever it is, I'll fix it, honey."
But Sara only gulped and shook her head. So they stayed quiet for many a passing minute. Grissom had a lingering suspicion of what was at the heart of her little meltdown, but it took him a good long while to breach the topic.
"Is it… is it tomorrow?" he asked cautiously.
Sara let out a strangled choke and cried harder, clutching at his chest. He hadn't seen her this emotional in… God, it must have been years. It broke his heart to see her this unraveled, and it killed him even more that his suspicions were founded. And subsequently, he could do nothing to ease her pain.
He was leaving in the morning. He had been home a wonderful, glorious two weeks, in which he was able to spend more time with his wife than he had in months. He'd seen old friends, met new ones and thoroughly enjoyed being home. But tomorrow, it was ending. He had accepted another teaching offer, this time in the countryside of England. He had felt guilty and a little anxious when he told Sara about the offer. But she was gracious as always, and ever excited for the opportunities that came his way. But now that the day was almost upon them, he knew she was dreading the moment they needed to part ways yet again.
It seemed like they were always saying goodbye.
Don't you wanna stay here a little while?
Don't you wanna hold each other tight?
Don't you wanna fall asleep with me tonight?
Don't wanna stay here a little while?
We can make forever feel this way,
Don't you wanna stay?
Eventually, Sara's sobs began to quiet, and the tears dried against her skin. She felt small and meek in his arms. She was ashamed for losing it like she had. She prided herself for how far she'd come when it came to dealing with her emotions. The way she'd acted felt like three steps backwards, but when it came to him, she couldn't help it. The kind of love she felt for him consumed her entire being, some days it lifted her high beyond the clouds, and on others, it tore her to pieces. She couldn't put a price on the moments they spent together, but the goodbyes… the goodbyes were draining, and left her feeling a little more empty each time.
In the darkness, she met his eyes. She found understanding there. He felt this too. They needn't speak a word, there were two bodies, two hearts and two souls feeling the very same heartbreak. He hated this as much as she did sometimes, but was powerless and at a loss of how to fix it.
She climbed on top of him and placed a hand on either side of his head, and they just continued, looking at each other, in silence. She understood that most of the time, they were okay. Most of the time, they were happy and could function. But in order to be happy and to function most of the time, once in a while, they just had to allow themselves to break down. That was how they worked. That was how they kept going.
So it was without words that Sara leaned down, until she was close enough to feel each light breath escape his mouth and meet her skin. She still felt her body trembling with the myriad of different emotions sweeping through her, but she willed herself to hold firm, and touched her lips to his. Once, twice, three times. Each kiss grew firmer and hungrier, each of them feeling the desperation in the other. It was moving in slow motion, snapshots of touches lifted from the picture.
Her thigh against his.
His wide, warm palm on her waist.
Her thin, long fingers running down his arm.
His cheek in the valley between her breasts.
Let's take it slow, I don't wanna move too fast
I don't wanna just make love, I wanna make love last
When you're up this high,
It's a sad goodbye
It was the making of a memory, in hopes that it would be enough to carry them through. They could do nothing but hope it would be enough.
Eventually, he felt her fall asleep upon him. And in the dark, he felt the cool drip of moisture against his bare chest.
Still more tears – pressing their way out of Sara's eyes, even as she slept. They made small, soft spots of moisture on his skin.
In the morning, they would be gone, but he would feel them there, still.
Don't you wanna stay here a little while?
Don't you wanna hold each other tight?
Don't you wanna fall asleep with me tonight?
Don't you wanna stay here a little while?
We can make forever feel this way,
Don't you wanna stay?