Disclaimer: Twilight and all its characters belong to SM. She won't let me even take Jasper home from the night! She's so mean!
This story is the product of being dropped on my head one too many time as a child, so if it doesn't make sense. That's why.
And please thank the super awesome Leelan Oleander for translating this from drunken ramblings into whatever you find below!
I could feel the heat of my blush burning my cheeks and working its way down my neck and across my chest. I was red as a fire engine I was sure of it. I blush a lot; I can tell when the heat is going to start singeing innocent bystanders. This one? This blush, I was amazed the whole building wasn't burning down.
It wasn't just embarrassment, although I was completely mortified right now, it was rage. Pure, unadulterated rage. As the two emotions battled for dominance in my slightly buzzed head, a third flitted through the back of my mind just as my vice-like grip strengthened on the wine glass I had been holding onto for dear life.
Disappointment.
I glared up at the small stage in the back of the bar, at the man who… no I couldn't even think it.
I couldn't believe it.
Not again. I thought we had worked things out, that we were past this….
I fucking thought that stupid bastard knew better by now.
"Bella Swan…" he started, as he looked across the crowded bar towards where I was standing, grinding my teeth.
"I love you." He paused, and smiled at me. "I love you more than life itself."
No.
No. No FREAKING way. I thought my teeth were going to crack with the pressure my jaw was exerting as I clenched it tighter still.
He took a deep breath, still holding the stupid microphone up on that stupid stage. "We were meant to be together, forever. Growing up, our families always knew we would be together." Still holding onto the wireless microphone, he stepped down from the stage and began to walk towards me, hope and desperation plastering an almost frightening grin across his face, the crowds parting to allow him through. No doubt they thought this was a sweet romantic gesture. If only they knew.
Finally stopping in front of me, he reached for my left hand, looking up at me with his deep brown eyes.
I lifted my wine glass as if to take a sip as he uttered the final words which I knew were coming, but I was dreading nonetheless. "Will you do me the honour of agreeing to be my wife?" He was down on one knee in front of me, as the entire bar's eyes focussed on me, waiting for my answer.
I steeled myself, taking a breath and trying to respond rationally, calmly, in a manner appropriate for public place. "No Jacob. No. For the love of god, NO. "
Disappointment flickered across his face as the heat of my blush settled into a burning rage deep within my body. I leaned in closely and looked him straight in the eyes. "This is the last straw. The absolute last straw, Jacob. NO. Go home." I tried to keep my voice low; this was a personal moment, not one I wanted to share with all the other patrons of the bar. After all, this was my favourite bar. But no, he had to ruin this too.
With that thought, I turned around, still clenching my hand around the glass of wine and walked away from him. As I began to move away, I realised that on top of this spectacle, I was now out of a ride home as well and this served only to fuel the rage further.
Stupid fucking motherfucking piece of shit dog!
Suddenly, I heard a quiet crack and realised my right hand now felt unexpectedly wet, and warm.
What?
I looked down slowly, realization dawning that in my anger at Jacob, I had actually shattered the wine glass that I had been holding. What a waste, it was such a nice Shiraz, and now the deep red fluid was dripping down my arm. I felt my face begin to flush in embarrassment again, as I reached over to the bar to grab a napkin to wipe the wine off my hand. As I did so, I noticed the light glinting oddly off of my hand.
As if in slow motion, I lifted my hand, dripping with red wine, up closer to my face, only to realise that it wasn't so much the wine that was dripping down my arm as it was blood, from where a huge piece of glass had embedded itself into my palm. I lurched to the bar, desperately trying to grab the railing before I inevitably passed out, knowing what the sight of blood did to me. Except, I didn't count on the bar being so far away, and instead I slowly tumbled into a tall man with broad shoulders, wrapping my arms around his waist to keep from falling down completely.
Realising the complete inappropriateness of this I tried desperately to extricate myself from the situation. As I tried to subtly push myself off of him, I managed to smear blood across his pristine white shirt. Then of course, I slipped in the puddle of wine at my feet and lost my balance completely. I hit the ground with a thud, followed immediately by the man who I had been using as my own personal railing and towel. He landed on top of me with a surprised look on his face, all I could do was stare back at him; mortification had apparently rendered me speechless. It might also have been that this man, who was possibly the most beautiful specimen of man I had ever seen, was lying on top of me. Either way, I just stared at him with my mouth hanging open, until a sharp, searing pain made itself suddenly known.
It seemed the shock had worn off, and the piece of glass I had embedded in my palm was expressing its dislike for being used to cushion my fall by driving itself further into my hand. It felt like it had also decided to bring some friends along for the ride who I had so graciously managed to put my hand right onto when I fell.
"Oh Mother of FUCK!" I screamed, and then shut up immediately, knowing that if Jacob heard me, he would be at my side in an instant, trying to be my knight in shining armour. I briefly scanned the bar as I could see it from my vantage on the floor and sighed in relief, not seeing Jacob's size 13's rushing towards me. Maybe he actually took the hint for once and went home.
I was snapped out of my thoughts by a warm hand touching my cheek. I whipped my head around to be met with shockingly green eyes. I stared at them, wondering whether the owner of these eyes wore contacts, because there was no way such a beautiful shade of green could exist in nature. As I began to explore the face in front of me further, I could see the brow attached to these eyes was scrunched up in confusion and worry, and then I realised that the mouth, the mouth with the most beautiful lips in the world, was moving as well. Green Eyes was talking to me.
"I'm sorry what?" I realised I hadn't heard a word he was saying to me, I was too lost in the depths of his eyes.
"I was just asking if you were alright? That was a pretty nasty spill. Are you hurt?" And at that, my hand began throbbing freshly. Thanks for reminding me Green Eyes.
I gingerly lifted my hand from the ground to show him my hand, being careful not to look directly at it, lest the blood cause me to pass out completely.
"Oh god, did you land on broken glass? I swear it's so irresponsible for people not to tell the bartender when they drop a glass on the ground. People could get hurt." He paused, running a hand through his thick bronze hair, creating a wild disarray that made him look like he had just stepped out of either a GQ photo shoot, or bed.
He can step out of my bed any day of the week. No wait, he's never stepping out of my bed. I'm going to tie him up there.
He winced as his words sunk in. "Well, I guess people did get hurt. Here let me help you up."
He grabbed my uninjured arm and helped me to my feet, then turned around swiftly leaning over the bar and letting the bartender know that there was glass on the ground that needed to be cleaned up, never letting go of my arm.
I was trying to open my mouth, to form words and explain to him that I had broken the glass, and then realised that I really REALLY didn't want to explain my clumsiness to this Green Eyed God.
He turned back to me with a grimace, and then gently led me to a small table in the corner of the bar where a small elfin creature sat waiting patiently. She had shockingly blond hair and her roots, which were about an inch long, were black as. She looked vaguely familiar but I couldn't place it, and I had slightly more pressing matters to deal with, like blood loss.
"What the hell, Edward, I send you to get us another round of drinks and you come back with a….." Her eyes opened wide as she took in the sight of me. "… girl," she trailed off. I could feel the blood dripping down my fingertips as my hand dangled uselessly at my side.
"Oh god, here, sit down." She quickly jumped up and pulled a chair out, gesturing for me to sit down. I collapsed into the chair as Green Eyes, who I suppose must be named Edward, sat down in a chair he had drawn up beside mine. Turning to face me, he slowly loosened his grip on my elbow, which he had been holding gently since he helped from the ground, and reached for my other hand. He looked over at the woman and she silently grabbed a small black bag from the other side of the table, setting it down beside us. She rummaged through it and handed green eyes a pair of tweezers and some gauze.
I was too shocked to form words as I watched him pick up my hand and deftly pick the shards of glass out of my palm. I winced as I felt the glass tugging against my skin, but he just tightened his grip on my hand and continued. Lifting my hand up closer to his face, he scrutinised it, presumably looking for signs of more pieces of glass. Apparently happy with his inspection, he released my hand and then returned to it with a small packet of alcohol swabs. I hissed as he swept one across my skin, cleaning up the blood and hopefully killing any disgusting bar germs that were invading my wounds. He looked up at me apologetically and then swiftly unrolled a packet of gauze, gently wrapping it around my hand before securing it with medical tape. Once he had completed my bandaging, he lifted my hand and brought it to my lips, kissing my palm softly over the gauze.
"There now, all better." Wait what? Hold the phone; did he just… kiss my palm? I stared into his eyes for a moment before he lowered my hand back down to my lap and then released it, looking away as if embarrassed.
"Wow… umm. Thank you." I was completely shocked. "You… I… wow, thank you?" I couldn't believe this man. Mere minutes ago, I had viciously groped him (albeit accidentally), and then dragged him to the ground. And he has responded by taking care of me? Wait, back up a second. I looked him over carefully, to make sure I hadn't hurt him, only to realise that his shirt was smeared with blood. My blood.
"Oh god, your shirt. I am so sorry; there is blood all over your shirt." I stood up, trying somehow to erase the offending spot of my crimson DNA from him – and then I realised I was doing it with my bandaged hand. Have I got mental?
He chuckled sweetly at my antics "Don't worry, I've had worse. I'm a doctor; I'm kind of used to it." My attention was drawn back to his gorgeous green eyes as I felt the embarrassment beginning to heat my cheeks, again. I could get lost in the depths of those eyes. Little flecks of gold stood out against the vibrant green, framed by long thick lashes and supported by high, strong cheekbones. I continued my inventory of this Greek god's face until I was distracted by the sound of a throat clearing.
I whipped my head around to realise that we weren't alone; the woman with short spiky blond hair was still sitting at the table looking at the two of us curiously.
"So, are you the Bella who was being proposed to?" she said with a smirk, her eyes dancing with amusement.
I groaned and dropped my head into my hands only to realise too late that this was a very bad idea, and shot back up, shaking my hand in an effort to reduce the pain. "Shit, shit, shit…fucking fucker! That hurts! Son of a…" I clamped my jaw shut in an effort to halt the flow of my verbal diarrhoea and took a deep calming breath. The pain in my hand began to diminish to a dull, but persistent roar as I turned to smile at the woman.
"Uhhh…yeah that was… Jake. He, uh…"
She cut me off with her tinkling laughter, "Oh Gods, I've never actually heard of someone turning down a public proposal! That was so fucking awesome…except of course for the bodily harm part." She sobered up as she took in my hand, blood seeping through the gauze wrapped around it.
I waved my hand around and laughed. "Oh god, that was nothing! That was like the…. 4th time he's proposed…I think…oh no wait…the fifth. Dude cannot take a hint, or a flat out no. Really, it's beyond embarrassing."
"Can't blame him for trying can you?" Green Eyes chuckled from beside me. I blushed crimson again and continued rambling.
"Oh yes, yes I can. His dad and Charlie – my dad – have been best friends forever, and so we grew up together. It was always assumed we would end up together, get married and have kids, joining the illustrious Black and Swan families together. Except for one problem, I've known him since he was in diapers; he's like my little brother. No matter how much easier it would make my life, I cannot see him like that. Oh god… you know he had the nerve to propose for the first time in front of both of our families? We weren't even DATING! We'd barely even kissed. It's so ridiculous. And it keeps getting worse…"
I was in full-on rant mode by this point, flailing my arms around like a crazy person and practically shouting at poor Green Eyes. I stopped short when I realised that they were both laughing uproariously at my little monologue. I swear Blondie was going to fall off her damn chair.
"Shit, you think that's funny? He proposed over the Jumbo-tron at a Mariners game once. I got BOO'd when I dumped my beer over his head. Maybe not the most tactful 'no' but I mean…. I hadn't spoken to him for 6 months, and agreed to go see a game with him as friends and he pulls that shit! I don't think I can step foot back in Safeco for fear of being pelted with foam fingers!"
At this point, Blondie did in fact fall off her seat. "God, Bella, too much. Too fucking much…Oh my god…It hurts! I'm dying." I huffed; my misfortune is not funny, ok maybe it's a little funny. Fuck that, it's a lot funny except that I am always the butt of the goddamned joke.
I stood to help Blondie up at the same time as Green Eyes and between the two of us we managed to right her chair and plop her back in it, calling over a server to bring us some drinks at the same time.
"Oh, Bella, I like you. We're going to be great friends I'm sure!" she managed to squeak out as her laughter died down to giggles. "I'm so glad you decided to manhandle my moody brother over here, tonight was going to be such a bore."
Brother, eh? I looked over at Green Eyes and saw him winking at me, mirth still dancing in his eyes. He leaned forward to brush a stray piece of hair out of my eyes, tucking it behind my ear. The four-hundred-and-thirty-fourth blush of the evening spread across my face as he leaned in even closer and whispered into my ear "I'm glad you manhandled me too." His voice was velvet, like liquid sex. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat as his words went straight to Cooterville. I wonder whether anyone would notice if there was a wet spot here when I got up.
The server returned with a round of drinks for us as well as three shots of tequila.
"For not slapping that poor guy, these shots are on the house!" The server laughed as she walked away. We all downed the tequila shots and made appropriate faces of disgust at the burning flavour.
"God, there is nothing like a tequila shot and thank god for that. That shit is nasty as hell!" I wiped my mouth with the back of my good hand in a feeble attempt to get rid of the aftertaste.
"It may taste like shit, but it sure as hell does the job!" laughed Blondie.
We picked up our other drinks quickly to chase down that horrible, awful nectar of the gods. After ridding myself of the aftertaste, I sipped at my Shiraz, enjoying the buttery flavour. Conversation flowed easily from there, the three of us laughing at the various horrible proposals I had had to endure from Jake when I suddenly realised that I didn't know either of their names.
"You know, I've been sitting here telling you my life story, but I don't even know your names. Obviously you figured out I'm Bella of the Botched Proposal, but I have no clue who you are; except of course, my heroic saviour," I nodded at Green Eyes, "and my new drinking buddies." I smiled at them both and took another sip.
Green Eyes smiled at me from behind his pint glass and cleared his throat. "Well, I'm Edward, and as you now know, I'm a doctor. This is my sister here, she's just flown in from…" he gestured towards Blondie when it suddenly clicked why she looked familiar.
"Oh Shit! You're the girl from…that band…the Ting Tings!" I exclaimed excitedly. "Your last album is probably at the top of my iTunes rotation. I can't believe I'm sitting here across from…..OH God!"
I clamped my hands across my mouth, realising not only have I been shouting like a crazy fucking stalker fan so the whole bar can hear me, but I have no fucking clue what her name is. They both looked at me in shock, probably trying to decide whether they should run from the crazy bleeding freak as I started cracking up.
I laughing so hard I was crying. "I know this isn't funny…at all…so please don't mind me…but I've been referring to you in my head this whole time as Blondie…and …."
I choked up again, not able to complete the stupidest joke I've ever thought up when Blondie suddenly joined in my laughter.
"…That's not my name." she deadpanned, completing my statement.
A second passed between us and then we doubled over in hysterics; I was gripping the table for dear life while Edward just looked at us like we had both suddenly lost our marbles. He looked like he was about to run away in case my crazy was contagious, but then I saw as the moment when it clicked, why we were laughing so hard. 'That's not my name' was the title of their latest albums' biggest single which was essentially about nobody knowing the singer's name.
"Oh fuck. That's terrible. That's not even funny. That's just…." And then he lost it too.
"Wow, I'm so glad you found that funny, because I am SO not drunk enough to be the only one laughing at my terrible jokes. And with all this blood loss, I probably shouldn't get that drunk!"
"Agreed." Blondie picked up her cocktail and drained it with a flourish and then turned to me, holding out her hand. "Hi, I'm Alice. Why don't we all hail a cab back to my place, I think I'd like to get to know you better."
Was it awful? It was awful I know. But that's ok! How bad was that joke? Because its the whole damn reason I wrote this, was for that one lame joke. And if you didn't get it, go to youtube (.) com /watch?v=TxbwEVgF1zo
Because its the cool thing to do, I'm gonna tell you to read these two stories: Encore by Leelan Oleander and Decoy by 107yearoldvirgin. They are both just fantastically amazing stories and both ladies should stop writing fanfic and start selling their work. Only, without stopping the fanfic because they're awesome.
There will be another few chapters- this isn't going to be long. Rated M because I'm thinking in the future it might earn that rating. Oh and because biostatistics kick my ass on a daily basis, it's going to be at least 2 weeks between chapters.