INSENSITIVE SPECTRUM
The crimson red slowly faded into the jaded, navy night sky, and a lone figure swaggered across the forest thickets, trying to find peace away from the barn turned 'Animorph' headquarters. The company of his friends, especially his shorm Tobias, would normally be a blessing, but as the war drug into more and more violent phases he wanted nothing more than to think of happy times and his far away homeland. This person I speak of is myself, Aximilli Esgarrouth-Istill. The sad creature I have become is all because of this war, and the happenings, and yet, somehow I am always trying to find peace from it all, although my tranquility seems so far gone it's as distant as the stars in the fresh evening sky, and my hope diminishes by the day. A light snow had fallen earlier and as I walked I absorbed the light, frosty crystals with the grass. The frozen precipitation seemed to add a 'snow cone' effect to my diet, as Marco would say. I am the knowledgeable Andalite on this and any other world about humans, I do not doubt myself of that for a moment, but there are still times their humor puzzles me to utter bafflement.
I felt a wave of guilt wash over me all of a sudden in realization that it was wrong to leave the meeting as I had. Fed up by the inaccuracy of my human friends, and the sickness of knowing I was about to enter another uncertain battle, and with no pratical reason or permission from my prince to leave, I had left. I knew I had shown Jake and the others disrespect, and my hearts hurt, especially for the way I had ignored the person who has shown me such leadership and compassion. I felt total and utter lonliness and wasn't sure how to remedy the feeling from within. There was no medicine on this world or mine that could make me feel true happiness again. My mind had been scarred by the many battles I had entered, the all too many close calls I had endured, and the fact that I was completley fed up with this war and homesick as a person can be. Not three years ago I would have given my tail blade to become a Prince, now the only thing that would bring me contentment is to get off this planet and never look back. To never hear the wretched word 'yeerk' again, to have my brother back, to be by my fellow Andalites for all of time...such simple wishes are not brought back by 'want'. Such simple things are never brought back...or were never there...much like my shorm Tobias' family. Before the war there was no family for him, in all it's sadness. All of us, including myself, despite the fact that I'm alien, have become Tobias' family; His own band of brothers and sisters. And in their own way, all the humans have become my surrogate family as well. The peaceful thoughts of family slowed me from my galloping.
I pawed at the frozen earth with my hoof a bit after I halted in my feeding, for what reason I'm not sure. I was nearly posative that it was my conscience again, pondering back and forht whether to go back and apologize before the others left for the evening or to simply stand my ground and make a point...we needed a break...I needed a break. No the best thing for a soldier to tell his Prince, but nevertheless, I was sick of it all.
Err-UH! I fumed stomping the snow I had just unpacked in my apprehensive, uncertain reflection. I was absolutly torn! I wanted to make a position for myself! I wanted my opinion to be heard, and not just by technical or alien terms again either. I wanted them to hear me as one of their own...a sickened individual by endless battles; by all that is good and sacred on this planet and mine I did! BUT I did not wish for my Prince to become infuriated with me, nor any of the others. This would only increase tension in the group, and we didn't need any of that moreover. Deciding the group was more important than that of my silly feelings I turned towards teh farm, galloping as hard as I could go. It had nearly been an hour, and I doubted any of them would still be there...but at least I could make good terms with Cassie.
The strong, wintry weather wind pressed against my face as I ran, and I felt as if my stalk eyes might become frozen stiff and break off. I laughed a bit, thinking of an Andalite with the bald scalp, stripped of his stalk eyes, like that of human. Truly not funny, but in the state of mind I wa sin at the moment, I would have laughed at anything...if I understood it...
I came to the back yard of Cassie's farm and slowed to a trot, noticing the light on her back porch was on. I was afraid her father might be in the barn. I had to think of a morph where I could simply sneak up to the barn, look in, then turn around and creep away unnoticed again if nessesary. Wolf would be perfect, plus her father, John, would not harm me if spotted. His love of animals would only force him to shoo me away, or scare me away with a gadget Cassie calls a 'bee-bee gun'. I have played with one before, and they are most interseting in the reality that a smart race like the humans would invent such a worthless piece of technology. I morphed wolf, and slowly trotted towards the barn. I heard voices from within as I neared it. Familiar ones at that; some of the group was still there, and John's voice was not amungst the voices. I walked right into the barn and a form recoiled to the wall while Cassie got the gun.
No! No! It's only me! I gave warning before my own group shot me!
"Ax??" Cassie asked.
I demorphed; standing there, tail flinching in annoyance.
I believe you can put the firearm down now, Cassie. She sat it down and walked over to me, her eyes glazed in anxiety of what she was about to do.
"I am SO sorry Ax," she said.
I sighed, relaxing my tail, It's okay. I believe I deserve it after the way I walked out of the meeting.
"You better believe it," Said the form, returning from his fright against the wall.
"Jake!" exclaimed Cassie.
It is okay Cassie. I assured her. Hello Jake. I'm glad you're still here. I replied to his rather contemptuous tone. I wish to speak to you.
"Me too." Responded Jake bruquely, without much feeling. "I've got a pair of my snow boots and a coat. You and I need to have a talk. Man to man."
I understood, and morphed human, desperately wishing I could keep my tail blade in case my prince became too infuriated. Latley we have learned to morph clothing, and with my human morph camemy orange shirt and baggy pants. I slid on the boots and jacket and preceded Jake outside into the cold. It had started to snow again, and I fought to get the zipper to go up on the coat. While I fought the evil toothed metal, Jake kept walking towards teh woods. He obviously didn't want Cassie to hear what he had to say to me, as we were near the trees before we halted.
"What in God's name did you think you were doing?" He demanded rather abruptly. I could only stare. "Come on Ax, tell me. It's hard enough trying to handle our group, James' group, and missions all at once without one of my most trusted members walking out during a meeting. You caused quite a fight to break out between us when you left Ax. I pratically had to ORDER Rachel not to morph bear and tear your hide apart."
"I'm sorry, Prince Jake."
"You!" He seemed to snarl, "You Andalites...You think you're so smart, but you're arrogant! You think that the universe would not survive without you---"
"It's one thing to scold me for my doings in the meeting, but don't you DARE talk of my peoplelike that! You know nothing---"
"I have every right to say what I want! For years Ax, YEARS, I have waited, and waited, andwaited for your so called 'Andalite Fleet' to come and help us. But no, they haven't come, because their affairs are so much more important than some silly planet being infested by a race that THEY unleashed!!"
I stared at Jake through human eyes, and understood his thickening sarcasm, although I would have loved to lunge at him. How dare he say those things...the fleet was doing what they could, and so what if their affairs were more important? They would get to us in due time. Jake smirked at me, not evilly, but in exasperated defeat of his hidden feelings. Probably ones he's been holding on to since the beginning of this war. He then said something I never thought would come from his tounge. From Rachel, yes, maybe even Marco, but not from Jake.
"Curse your brother for finding me."
Now I returned the sneer, "Then curse you for finding ME," running I hit him full force to the ground. Jake stared up at me in pure surprise, but then retaliated by punching me across the face. Blood spilled from my lip as Jake and I wrestled and fought, fighting a pointless battle. Noses and lips were bloodied, slaps were taken and given, including some exchanging of words I have learned from this world alone that are not appropriate. After a while of this nonsense, I decided to bring it to a halt. I threw him on his back, his eyes widened, and they grew wider when I grabbed him by the chest of his jacket and pulled him to my face. We were nose-to-nose; rings of icy exhaust being released as we panted from our clash. He tried to pull me off of him, but I merely threw him toward the ground and pulled him back to me with even more force...he did not fight me anymore.
"Enough." I said with weight.
He looks intently at me, with some hatred at first, and I could feel the tension in his body. He looked away in shame, and I did the same staring at the ground, but not loosing my grip on him. A long, uneasy, silent pause made the wind seem like an aircraft motor howling in our ears. Jake finally spoke.
"I'm sick of being looked at like a child by your people when I have the burden of being in charge, and knowing I might get one of you killed...especially James and his group. They're handicapped for God's sake Ax! The Andalites are suppose to fighting the Yeerks, not them...and not us."
I only looked upon him, not knowing what to say. There was truth to what he said.
"I feel like some some kind of morbid Hitler, Ax." His voiced cracked and he spoke no more, he only stared into my eyes, his eyes to a degree. Now I knew why Prince Jake had me morph human. He was knowlegable of the fact that I would become infuriated, and without my tail blade, it would be a fair fight if we had a brawl. I stared into his brown eyes even further, deeper. They seemed...old...worn out. Jake was simply sickened with his life, and it had turned his eyes to that of an old mans. Why was it I was only now noticing them.? I wiped a drop of blood from his chin and looked upon it as it trickled down my finger. Gaining speed at first it seemed indestructable, but that same weight that was pulling it down caused it to fall to the ground, becoming nothing more than a crimson blob in the snow. I turned back to Jake who was looking at the sky that held no stars that night, but clouds filled with snow. I realized we were all that blood drop. Sometimes everything gets to be too much, you loose control, and you just crash. I got off Jake and turned away, walking a few paces. I felt a lump in my throat and a strange blur came over my eyes...I was crying, something Andalites can't do, and yet, it was the most relieving feeling I had ever endured. I know through the experiances I've had with these humans that males are not suppose to cry, but if they do, only lightly. But I bawled, crying out in despair and lonliness; in a mad craving to have Elfangor there to comfort me...but he's dead. I fell to the ground, and punched the snow in frustration. Jake came from behind and stood over me as I gasped for air between sobs.
"I--I n-n-need a break, P-Prince Jake." I studdered at last.
"I'm sick of waiting for them, Ax."
I shook my head in understanding. A 'want' may be a need, but at times it cannot be granted to those who has to finnsh a job they offered to start. I took off the jacket and boots in the cold, and demorphed. My stalk eyes were the first to see Jake, and I turned to face him. He now had tears rolling down his face, and every once in a while he'd wipe his cheeks smugly. I knew we had a new understanding of one another. We were both sick in the head, probably on the verge of a nervous breakdown.We had to be warriors for now. Maybe after the war we would find peace, or maybe even during battle with death. Jake picked up the jacket and boots and started back to Cassie's house.
Jake I called.
He turned to me, "Yeah Ax?" I trotted up to him and morphed human once more, and wrapped my arms around him in embrace. He stood perplexed for a second, but then returned the hug.
"Was that right?" I asked. "Isn't that what youdo when another person is feeling bad?"
"Yeah, it is Ax. When you care about the person who is hurting, yeah." he smiles, "Thanks."
I demorphed yet again, and nodded at him before taking off into the forrest. It was nice to feel human tonight, I thought as the snow started to fall again, leaving another blanket of pure white for morning.
The crimson red slowly faded into the jaded, navy night sky, and a lone figure swaggered across the forest thickets, trying to find peace away from the barn turned 'Animorph' headquarters. The company of his friends, especially his shorm Tobias, would normally be a blessing, but as the war drug into more and more violent phases he wanted nothing more than to think of happy times and his far away homeland. This person I speak of is myself, Aximilli Esgarrouth-Istill. The sad creature I have become is all because of this war, and the happenings, and yet, somehow I am always trying to find peace from it all, although my tranquility seems so far gone it's as distant as the stars in the fresh evening sky, and my hope diminishes by the day. A light snow had fallen earlier and as I walked I absorbed the light, frosty crystals with the grass. The frozen precipitation seemed to add a 'snow cone' effect to my diet, as Marco would say. I am the knowledgeable Andalite on this and any other world about humans, I do not doubt myself of that for a moment, but there are still times their humor puzzles me to utter bafflement.
I felt a wave of guilt wash over me all of a sudden in realization that it was wrong to leave the meeting as I had. Fed up by the inaccuracy of my human friends, and the sickness of knowing I was about to enter another uncertain battle, and with no pratical reason or permission from my prince to leave, I had left. I knew I had shown Jake and the others disrespect, and my hearts hurt, especially for the way I had ignored the person who has shown me such leadership and compassion. I felt total and utter lonliness and wasn't sure how to remedy the feeling from within. There was no medicine on this world or mine that could make me feel true happiness again. My mind had been scarred by the many battles I had entered, the all too many close calls I had endured, and the fact that I was completley fed up with this war and homesick as a person can be. Not three years ago I would have given my tail blade to become a Prince, now the only thing that would bring me contentment is to get off this planet and never look back. To never hear the wretched word 'yeerk' again, to have my brother back, to be by my fellow Andalites for all of time...such simple wishes are not brought back by 'want'. Such simple things are never brought back...or were never there...much like my shorm Tobias' family. Before the war there was no family for him, in all it's sadness. All of us, including myself, despite the fact that I'm alien, have become Tobias' family; His own band of brothers and sisters. And in their own way, all the humans have become my surrogate family as well. The peaceful thoughts of family slowed me from my galloping.
I pawed at the frozen earth with my hoof a bit after I halted in my feeding, for what reason I'm not sure. I was nearly posative that it was my conscience again, pondering back and forht whether to go back and apologize before the others left for the evening or to simply stand my ground and make a point...we needed a break...I needed a break. No the best thing for a soldier to tell his Prince, but nevertheless, I was sick of it all.
Err-UH! I fumed stomping the snow I had just unpacked in my apprehensive, uncertain reflection. I was absolutly torn! I wanted to make a position for myself! I wanted my opinion to be heard, and not just by technical or alien terms again either. I wanted them to hear me as one of their own...a sickened individual by endless battles; by all that is good and sacred on this planet and mine I did! BUT I did not wish for my Prince to become infuriated with me, nor any of the others. This would only increase tension in the group, and we didn't need any of that moreover. Deciding the group was more important than that of my silly feelings I turned towards teh farm, galloping as hard as I could go. It had nearly been an hour, and I doubted any of them would still be there...but at least I could make good terms with Cassie.
The strong, wintry weather wind pressed against my face as I ran, and I felt as if my stalk eyes might become frozen stiff and break off. I laughed a bit, thinking of an Andalite with the bald scalp, stripped of his stalk eyes, like that of human. Truly not funny, but in the state of mind I wa sin at the moment, I would have laughed at anything...if I understood it...
I came to the back yard of Cassie's farm and slowed to a trot, noticing the light on her back porch was on. I was afraid her father might be in the barn. I had to think of a morph where I could simply sneak up to the barn, look in, then turn around and creep away unnoticed again if nessesary. Wolf would be perfect, plus her father, John, would not harm me if spotted. His love of animals would only force him to shoo me away, or scare me away with a gadget Cassie calls a 'bee-bee gun'. I have played with one before, and they are most interseting in the reality that a smart race like the humans would invent such a worthless piece of technology. I morphed wolf, and slowly trotted towards the barn. I heard voices from within as I neared it. Familiar ones at that; some of the group was still there, and John's voice was not amungst the voices. I walked right into the barn and a form recoiled to the wall while Cassie got the gun.
No! No! It's only me! I gave warning before my own group shot me!
"Ax??" Cassie asked.
I demorphed; standing there, tail flinching in annoyance.
I believe you can put the firearm down now, Cassie. She sat it down and walked over to me, her eyes glazed in anxiety of what she was about to do.
"I am SO sorry Ax," she said.
I sighed, relaxing my tail, It's okay. I believe I deserve it after the way I walked out of the meeting.
"You better believe it," Said the form, returning from his fright against the wall.
"Jake!" exclaimed Cassie.
It is okay Cassie. I assured her. Hello Jake. I'm glad you're still here. I replied to his rather contemptuous tone. I wish to speak to you.
"Me too." Responded Jake bruquely, without much feeling. "I've got a pair of my snow boots and a coat. You and I need to have a talk. Man to man."
I understood, and morphed human, desperately wishing I could keep my tail blade in case my prince became too infuriated. Latley we have learned to morph clothing, and with my human morph camemy orange shirt and baggy pants. I slid on the boots and jacket and preceded Jake outside into the cold. It had started to snow again, and I fought to get the zipper to go up on the coat. While I fought the evil toothed metal, Jake kept walking towards teh woods. He obviously didn't want Cassie to hear what he had to say to me, as we were near the trees before we halted.
"What in God's name did you think you were doing?" He demanded rather abruptly. I could only stare. "Come on Ax, tell me. It's hard enough trying to handle our group, James' group, and missions all at once without one of my most trusted members walking out during a meeting. You caused quite a fight to break out between us when you left Ax. I pratically had to ORDER Rachel not to morph bear and tear your hide apart."
"I'm sorry, Prince Jake."
"You!" He seemed to snarl, "You Andalites...You think you're so smart, but you're arrogant! You think that the universe would not survive without you---"
"It's one thing to scold me for my doings in the meeting, but don't you DARE talk of my peoplelike that! You know nothing---"
"I have every right to say what I want! For years Ax, YEARS, I have waited, and waited, andwaited for your so called 'Andalite Fleet' to come and help us. But no, they haven't come, because their affairs are so much more important than some silly planet being infested by a race that THEY unleashed!!"
I stared at Jake through human eyes, and understood his thickening sarcasm, although I would have loved to lunge at him. How dare he say those things...the fleet was doing what they could, and so what if their affairs were more important? They would get to us in due time. Jake smirked at me, not evilly, but in exasperated defeat of his hidden feelings. Probably ones he's been holding on to since the beginning of this war. He then said something I never thought would come from his tounge. From Rachel, yes, maybe even Marco, but not from Jake.
"Curse your brother for finding me."
Now I returned the sneer, "Then curse you for finding ME," running I hit him full force to the ground. Jake stared up at me in pure surprise, but then retaliated by punching me across the face. Blood spilled from my lip as Jake and I wrestled and fought, fighting a pointless battle. Noses and lips were bloodied, slaps were taken and given, including some exchanging of words I have learned from this world alone that are not appropriate. After a while of this nonsense, I decided to bring it to a halt. I threw him on his back, his eyes widened, and they grew wider when I grabbed him by the chest of his jacket and pulled him to my face. We were nose-to-nose; rings of icy exhaust being released as we panted from our clash. He tried to pull me off of him, but I merely threw him toward the ground and pulled him back to me with even more force...he did not fight me anymore.
"Enough." I said with weight.
He looks intently at me, with some hatred at first, and I could feel the tension in his body. He looked away in shame, and I did the same staring at the ground, but not loosing my grip on him. A long, uneasy, silent pause made the wind seem like an aircraft motor howling in our ears. Jake finally spoke.
"I'm sick of being looked at like a child by your people when I have the burden of being in charge, and knowing I might get one of you killed...especially James and his group. They're handicapped for God's sake Ax! The Andalites are suppose to fighting the Yeerks, not them...and not us."
I only looked upon him, not knowing what to say. There was truth to what he said.
"I feel like some some kind of morbid Hitler, Ax." His voiced cracked and he spoke no more, he only stared into my eyes, his eyes to a degree. Now I knew why Prince Jake had me morph human. He was knowlegable of the fact that I would become infuriated, and without my tail blade, it would be a fair fight if we had a brawl. I stared into his brown eyes even further, deeper. They seemed...old...worn out. Jake was simply sickened with his life, and it had turned his eyes to that of an old mans. Why was it I was only now noticing them.? I wiped a drop of blood from his chin and looked upon it as it trickled down my finger. Gaining speed at first it seemed indestructable, but that same weight that was pulling it down caused it to fall to the ground, becoming nothing more than a crimson blob in the snow. I turned back to Jake who was looking at the sky that held no stars that night, but clouds filled with snow. I realized we were all that blood drop. Sometimes everything gets to be too much, you loose control, and you just crash. I got off Jake and turned away, walking a few paces. I felt a lump in my throat and a strange blur came over my eyes...I was crying, something Andalites can't do, and yet, it was the most relieving feeling I had ever endured. I know through the experiances I've had with these humans that males are not suppose to cry, but if they do, only lightly. But I bawled, crying out in despair and lonliness; in a mad craving to have Elfangor there to comfort me...but he's dead. I fell to the ground, and punched the snow in frustration. Jake came from behind and stood over me as I gasped for air between sobs.
"I--I n-n-need a break, P-Prince Jake." I studdered at last.
"I'm sick of waiting for them, Ax."
I shook my head in understanding. A 'want' may be a need, but at times it cannot be granted to those who has to finnsh a job they offered to start. I took off the jacket and boots in the cold, and demorphed. My stalk eyes were the first to see Jake, and I turned to face him. He now had tears rolling down his face, and every once in a while he'd wipe his cheeks smugly. I knew we had a new understanding of one another. We were both sick in the head, probably on the verge of a nervous breakdown.We had to be warriors for now. Maybe after the war we would find peace, or maybe even during battle with death. Jake picked up the jacket and boots and started back to Cassie's house.
Jake I called.
He turned to me, "Yeah Ax?" I trotted up to him and morphed human once more, and wrapped my arms around him in embrace. He stood perplexed for a second, but then returned the hug.
"Was that right?" I asked. "Isn't that what youdo when another person is feeling bad?"
"Yeah, it is Ax. When you care about the person who is hurting, yeah." he smiles, "Thanks."
I demorphed yet again, and nodded at him before taking off into the forrest. It was nice to feel human tonight, I thought as the snow started to fall again, leaving another blanket of pure white for morning.