Bilbo's Misadventures: Dain, Meet Mistress Baggins...
All the dwarfs living under the Lonely Mountain were gathered together in the great hall. Thorin had called for a meeting, and his people were ready and willing to listen to whatever their king had to say. Thorin stood in front of his loyal dwarfs, eyeing them all carefully as his mind worked on how he wanted to begin his speech.
Bilbo was standing in the crowd of dwarfs, waiting anxiously for his favorite companion to explain his idea. As much as Bilbo tried persuading Thorin to let out his thoughts, the king was determined to speak of it only when everyone was summoned.
Excited, curious dwarfs were lightly discussing with one another about what the king might possibly have in store for them all. Fili and Kili were now among the group, Fili wearing Gandalf's hat like a prized trophy. Bilbo spotted the naughty, young dwarfs and went over to confiscate the stolen object.
"Gandalf was very upset because of your behavior!" Bilbo scolded both young dwarfs as he jerked the hat off Fili's head and proceeded to smack the fellow upside the noggin with it repeatedly.
"Naughty, naughty dwarf!" Bilbo shamed the blond haired nephew, and then proceeded to smack around Kili with the large sized hat.
"You've a lot to explain yourself, Kili, after your uncle is done speaking! He heard from Gandalf that you've been sneaking around the mountain with an elf maiden from Mirkwood!" Bilbo paused his slapping and smacking to see if the fellow had anything to say about the matter.
"Uncle knows?" Kili stuttered, his hands on instinct went to shield his rump in expecting a rough spanking from the hot tempered king.
"I suggest you play it straight with Thorin, lying will not help you with this matter involving an elf." Bilbo rambled off his opinion, his attention turning as everyone heard Thorin clear his voice, meaning he was ready to begin.
"I have been informed by our wizard friend that we will soon have a visitor to our mountain. Dain, son for Nain and lord of the Iron Hills, is going to be our guest." He paused and waited out the hooting and hollering that came with this information. "My cousin comes to check up on myself and our kingdom, he also ventures here to see if your king has been searching for a bride. He had made it clear to Gandalf that if I do not have a bride, and do not intend to look for one, he will personally supply our kingdom with a lady dwarf to sit by my side. He does this, supposedly, because he wishes for my lineage to prosper. I for one am pleased with the current line of succession in place, and care not for settling down with some strange dwarf."
"But Thorin, if you don't want the dwarf Dain will offer you, who will you get to be your betrothed?" Balin called anxiously to his friend and king.
"We will give him what he wants. I intend to be engaged by the time he arrives, my bride to be is already amongst you." His words excited the group, but also slightly confused them as well. As far as they could tell, no females were within the mountain, who could he be talking about?
"I choose, Bilbo Baggins." At these words, everyone began arguing, reminding the king that Dain would not see them as a married couple, that the dwarf thought very unkindly to dwarf males seeking comfort from other dwarf males, undoubtedly the same would go for a Hobbit male courting Thorin.
"Quiet! I realize this, that is why Bilbo from the time Dain arrives, will be treated as a female hobbit. Changing his name will only cause you dunderheads to screw up, so you will continue to call the hobbit by his given name, but as Mistress Baggins." Everyone looked about each other uncertainly, Bilbo's face was tomato red as he listened to this crazy ploy to fool the visiting Dain.
"Fili, Kili, you've dressed Bilbo up before, I'm counting on you two to help the hobbit look the part. A few changes are required, though. His hair is long enough that I don't believe a wig is necessary, and this time instead of fruit underneath his dress, I want you two to work on something more convincing. An undergarment the hobbit can wear with real padding, that way nothing can slip or fall out and give away the truth. I need dwarfs out in town searching for hobbit sized dresses, we'll need a few different ones in case Dain stays a long while. From this point on you all need to start talking to Bilbo like a female, so that you'll be ready for Dain when he arrives. This is our task, dwarfs, are you with me?!" He demanded to the uncertain looking faces before him.
"I said, are you with me?!" He yelled louder, getting a moderate cheer of yes from the edgy looking dwarfs.
"Now start getting things together!" Thorin barked and every dwarf started moving off to either find dresses that might fit Bilbo, or drown their unease away with ale.
Bilbo marched up to the king, Gandalf's hat still clutched in his hand, and smacked the dwarf upside the head with his gray object.
"Are you mad? This will never work, Thorin! I'm a male hobbit, he's bound to see through all this!" Bilbo fumed, upset that he was put into such a ludicrous ploy.
"Would you rather I invite war with my cousin by refusing to marry a female dwarf?" He asked of the other, taking away the hat before Bilbo could whack him again. "I'm positive this will work Bilbo, have some faith in your king." He took his free hand and cupped the little fellows reddened cheeks.
"But Thorin! We'll be playing the part of a to be married couple! He'll undoubtedly expect us to be physical around one another and it will be expected that I sleep in your...chambers." He blushed more at speaking the last word, making the dwarf smile at such a cute display.
"You seemed able to share a bed with me rather well in Rivendell, little one." He carefully whispered to the other, watching Bilbo fidget shyly.
"We weren't in front of all your friends though, Thorin! What if I get...bashful?" He asked, embarrassed.
Thorin released his hold on Bilbo's cheek and wrapped him into a big bear hug. "Then we'll just have to start practicing around the mountain right away, my hobbit friend." He teased Bilbo, finding the hobbits behavior amusing as he looked around for any eyes upon them.
"I can't believe we're really going to attempt this." Bilbo sighed in exasperation.
"As if you haven't done crazier things than this..." Thorin said, unwrapping his arms from the hobbit and then quickly giving the fellow a sharp smack on the arse.
"Well, chop chop, Bilbo! We have a lot of practicing to do!" He smirked as the hobbit gasped and held his bum protectively.
"You're just loving this, aren't you?!" He hissed at the playful looking dwarf.
"You have no idea how much." Was Thorin's cheeky answer.
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The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien
A/N: Making this a chapter story, too much is going to happen for just a short tale. Dain, in this hobbit universe, does not approve of same gender mingling. I will say that due to the battle of the five armies, Dain had heard of Bilbo but wasn't introduced. He'll make mention that he had thought the burglar had been a male hobbit, but assumes he was mistaken. That's how it will make any of this silliness possible. Get ready for some humor and Baghinshield romance as we enter the Dain chapters...