Set in an alternate timeline where Valjean arrives at the barricades before Javert is captured, right as he is leaving for the first time to "spy" on the government troops, and where Valjean is like a plastic. (I know this completely clashes with his character, but I thought it would be funny. It's based on the scene where Regina talks with Cady about Janet.) The format is a bit different than a traditional short story narrative, more like a script. Italics are actions, regular font is spoken/sung dialogue. Btw, I know plastic wasn't invented yet, but I thought it would be nice to end it with a Mean Girls reference.
Marius looks on as Javert climbs over the barricades, his figure fading into the darkened streets. Valjean steps up next to him, slightly out of breath, having just arrived at the barricades. He looks at Marius strangely.
Why were you talking to Javert?
I don't know, I mean, he's so weird. He just, you know, came up to us, and started talking to us about spying on the National Guard for us.
Valjean shakes his head a little, and lets out a small laugh.
He is such a loser. Let me tell you something about Javert. I used to know him when we were in the Bagne de Toulon together.
Marius looks at him quizzically. Valjean smiles, rolling his eyes slightly.
I know, right? It's so embarrassing. I don't even—Whatever. So anyway, a long time ago, I skipped out on parole, got a new identity, and became mayor of my own town—which was totally cool but then I had to leave—and Javert was like, weirdly suspicious of me. Like, whenever he would look at me, he'd be like, why do you look so familiar?
Anyhow, a bunch of stuff happened, and he tracked me down in the middle of the night to the hospital where I was visiting Fantine, and he was all mad like Why did you skip out on parole? I've been hunting you for all these years, and now I'm going to bring you back to jail, blah blah blah. And I was like, Why are you so obsessed with me?
So then I decided to have a pool party—well not so much a pool party as me jumping into the river to escape—and I was like, you can't come along, Javert, because you're a cop and I think you want to arrest me. I mean, I couldn't just have him keep on trying to arrest me all the time, could I? I mean, right? He had a warrant out for my arrest! I had to go find Cosette and everything.
And then he got all mad and stuff, and there was a lot of yelling and singing. Definitely a lot of singing. He was all like come with me, 24601—he still had this nickname for me from our Toulon days—and he started yelling at me while singing, and I started yelling and singing, and it was totally weird.
But anyway, he dropped of my radar for a while because he couldn't find me, and when he came back this year, he was like, singing a soliloquy about hunting me down and stuff, and still was weirdly fixated on me. And now I guess he wants to be a spy for the resistance.
Marius stares at Valjean, not sure what to say. Valjean just shrugs.
Whatever. I guess we'll see him around. I like your ring, by the way. Is it plastic?