You are trying to speak, trying to say something, but all you can mutter out is, "She's gone."
The words mean nothing to those listening, and you understand this completely.
You just wish that someone would comprehend what you are trying to say.
If Santana were here, she would know exactly what I am talking about, you think to yourself.
But she is not here, and you are stuck with people that always give you weird looks.
Those fucking looks that you have spent your entire life seeing, and now you are just sick of them.
When you walk for an hour through the pouring rain more people stare at you from inside of stores, cafes, houses,
And you do not really care because you know exactly where you are going, and so does she.
She was your saving grace, your angel, the only person who truly loved you the way you loved her.
So why is it that she is gone and you are walking through the rain like some lost child?
Yes, you know exactly where you are going, but you have never felt so lost at the same time.
As you turn a corner into the entrance of the park, your heart weighs heavier in your chest.
You can feel your stomach tightening and a lump forms in your throat as tears prick at your eyes.
There is a lake in the center, and an open temple made of marble or something you have forgotten.
By now the tears are falling freely and you hate it because you try not to cry in front of anyone except for her.
The lake's water is dark because the sun is not shining today, and you can already understand why.
Because today marks five years and why would the sun be shining on a day like this?
You just wish she was here to hold you as you sit on the steps and bury your head in your hands to cry.
This was the spot that she admitted how much she truly loved you, the spot where you danced under the stars.
That was the first time she would dance with you in public, and it meant everything to you.
Your thoughts are beginning to consume you and are sending you to that dark place,
The place that you would have gone to many times before if not for her saving you.
As you try to stay away from the darkness in the back of your mind, you think:
Why do things happen without reason and when you least expect them to occur?
How come people say no one is to blame but you still think it is your fault?
No, there is no 'think' anymore, because you know it is entirely your fault.
The night it happened was when you two got into your first huge fight.
If you had not accused her of cheating, she would not have left your house.
Then she would not have driven back an hour later with flowers and a card.
And she would not have accidently run that red light to get back to you.
Two weeks later, when she was finally out of her coma, she spoke to you.
"I am so sorry, Brittany, and I want you to know that I love you so much."
You said you understood, said you loved her more than you ever loved anyone.
Just as she was about to say something more, she just...flatlined.
Her grip on your hand went slack and you called for a nurse.
Surely this is your fault and your fault only, you tell yourself,
And you lay a rose on the top step of the temple,
As you try to remember her smiling face,
The way her eyes would light up when she was happy,
But you can only think of how angry she was that night.
Why did you accuse her of cheating on you with someone like Puck?
You should have known that Rachel was lying when she said it.
So maybe this is all really Rachel's fault and not yours,
Because the loud-mouth diva started all of it that day.
But you know you are just trying to blame someone.
Even after five years, the whole situation is not settled.
You still beat yourself up about it every day,
Think about her every night you cannot sleep,
About how she would be holding you in her arms,
Singing to you softly until you finally fall asleep.
And now, as you sit here, it is almost as if you can feel her next to you.
You can feel her fingers brushing against your cheek,
As she pushes a stray hair behind your ears.
A choked sob escapes you when you barely hear her whisper,
"Not your fault," and "I will always love you."
You do not know if you imagine this or not, but it feels real.
So you tell yourself that it is real; it makes you feel better.
And you hold your hand out and pretend she takes it,
So that you can stand up and dance with her,
Without feeling like a crazy person.
Any onlookers will see only a tall blonde girl dancing with herself,
But you know that this is so much more than just that,
Because you are now dancing with the love of your life,
From where she spends the rest of her days looking over you.
And you would give anything to make this moment last forever.