Author's Notes: The following quote inspired two very different works, one already posted here as part of Elsanna Week. The other is... well, this piece of ridiculous crack. Written as a tongue-in-cheek love letter to the ships of the Frozen fandom, and to the movie itself (with quotes and bits generously strewn throughout). Enjoy.

"What's the difference?" I asked him. "Between the love of your life, and your soulmate?"

"One is a choice, and one is not."

Elsa didn't really put much stock into fate, destiny… any of those things in general. To her, fate was something you took by the horns and determined with your actions – or was that from some Disney movie? She shrugged. It wasn't that important. After all, she was an independent modern woman who carried pepper spray in her purse. She could definitely take care of herself.

And so, when she woke up one morning with a new addition on the inside of her left wrist, Elsa took it very calmly.

"I don't remember getting this done last night," she murmured, rubbing with her thumb first, and then scrubbing with soap. Elsa had had her fair share of drunken escapades in her student days, but nothing that had been permanent. It was all very mysterious. Nevertheless, Elsa decided it was nothing worth worrying about.

Besides, the words were strangely meaningful. She could have chosen worse things to get tattooed on herself.

When she met her friend Olaf for lunch, Elsa made the mistake of rolling up the sleeves of her blouse. Olaf, ever alert, noticed. "What's that, Elsa?"

"What's what?"

"On your left wrist."

"Oh, that." She rubbed the side of her thumb over it self-consciously. "I think I must have had a bit too much to drink last night with the colleagues."

"That," he said very matter-of-factly – much like Elsa herself would have said, which explained why they were friends – "is a soulmate tattoo. It just appears on you one day. It's something intimately connected to the person you're meant to be with; words, symbols, you get the general idea."

Elsa wiped her mouth primly – after hearing 'soulmate tattoo', she had promptly and violently choked on her mouthful of hot chocolate. "Wait, what?"

"Though I didn't know they could manifest so late." He craned his neck. "Can I see?"

She extended her hand for his inspection. "Does this mean anything to you?" asked Elsa nervously.

Olaf chuckled. "I'm afraid not, so that means we aren't destined for each other. Sorry, dear."

Elsa groaned. "Great. So this means – what, I'm going to have to trawl the entire city, sticking my arm in people's faces, asking them if they want to build a snowman?"

"And getting committed to the mental asylum is a great way to go about finding your soulmate."

She slumped in her seat. "Wonderful. This couldn't get any worse."

"Cheer up," smiled Olaf, patting her hand. "You never know, your soulmate could be right next to you. Why, he or she could walk through that open door!"

"He or she?"

"True love doesn't care about gender." He suddenly grinned. "Though if your soulmate is an it, I'm going to have to reconsider our friendship."

Elsa tossed her wadded-up paper napkin at him.

"You look pale," said Anna when they broke their hug. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine." Or at least, she would have been fine if not for that wretched soulmate tattoo. Elsa smiled reassuringly. "It's been a busy month at the office."

"I see." Anna turned her attention to the menu; her friend smiled when she saw her flick straight to the desserts page. "We should do this more often – hang out, I mean."

Elsa pulled a face. "I'd love nothing more than that, but you know my boss."

The redhead laughed. "Seriously though. We ought to make a real effort." She shook a playfully scolding finger at Elsa. "That means no more locking yourself in your room and pretending you aren't in."

"That was just the one time when we were in elementary school," said Elsa huffily. "I played with you plenty of times after that."

"Yeah. Remember the snowmen we used to build? Those were fun times."

"Snowmen?" Elsa's wrist was prickling uncomfortably, and she resisted the urge to scratch.

"I was obsessed with them! I even had my own song for it!" Anna rapped her knuckles on the table, rat-tat-a-tat-tat, and sang, "Do you want to build a snowman?"

Elsa's smile grew fixed.

"My soulmate is my best friend." Elsa groaned; the words were even more ridiculous when spoken aloud. "Wonderful." Maybe if she went to sleep, she'd wake up from her nightmare. She could go back to her stable, quiet life, and pretend none of this had ever happened.

But then her phone rang. "Hi, Anna," said Elsa dully.

"Elsa, I woke up with this weird mark on my shoulder and it won't go away no matter how much I scrub!"

The blonde sat up. "Wait, what?"

"It looks like words or something." said Anna frantically. There was a pause as she, presumably, strained to catch sight of it in the mirror. "But I can't really see it."

"… Don't go anywhere, I'll be right over."

Anna was waiting for her on the couch, wearing a loose sweater and a frown. "Do you have any idea what the heck could it be?" she asked. "I'm pretty sure I wasn't that drunk last night, I only had a few tequila shots because Merida dared me…"

"It's not alcohol that made you get that, trust me," replied Elsa dryly, motioning for Anna to show her the mark. Her heart was pounding in her chest; she fully expected to see something deeply personal and relevant to her. "It's a soulmate tattoo – they just appear on some part of your body overnight. According to Olaf, it means something significant to the person you're meant to be with."

"Soulmate tattoo?" She yanked off her sweater to reveal a tank top; Elsa squeaked, crimson with surprise and embarrassment. "Sounds like the plot of some cheesy young adult novel. So what does it say?"

The blonde frowned in her confusion. "… Pungent, valiant, reindeer king," she read aloud. Muttering under her breath, she added, "I'm pretty sure I don't have issues with personal hygiene…?"

Anna turned crimson.

"It was a stupid nickname," explained Anna. Elsa re-entered the living room, two glasses of vodka in her hands. They needed a stiff drink. "I met Kristoff in one of my classes and we really clicked. He was my best buddy throughout college, though you and I kept in touch." Elsa nodded.

"He was completely obsessed with reindeer." She rubbed her face with the heel of her hand. "We never dated, though. Didn't really feel a spark. Looks like that's all shot to hell, eh?"

"Are you still in touch with him?" The blonde took a sip, the burning from the alcohol dulling the pain in her heart. It was bad enough that Anna, her childhood best friend, was her unrequited soulmate; Elsa couldn't imagine warm, loving Anna being subjected to the same cruel fate that was hers. Being destiny's chew toy sucked.

Anna shook her head. "I haven't seen him since graduation, though we do leave comments on each other's stupid Facebook statuses. We kinda drifted apart."

"Looks like it's time to get back in touch with him."

The redhead drained her glass in one gulp.

They sat in a local bar, side by side, nursing a warm-up drink each. "I have no idea why I'm here," said Anna morosely. "We didn't feel anything back then. It's gonna be a heck of an opening conversation." She sat up straight. "Hey, I woke up with this soulmate tattoo on my arm pointing straight to you, so despite the fact we've been platonic buddies for years, I guess now we're gonna get married and spend the rest of our lives in utter wedded bliss."

Elsa snorted into her drink. "That is a completely compelling reason for getting married, yes."

"Stupid soulmate mark. Your friend Olaf told you about them, right? Is he some kind of soulmate expert or something?"

"Close enough. I call him a love expert because all of us in our group of friends go to him for relationship advice, despite the fact he's never actually been in a relationship."

Anna opened her mouth to respond – and gripped Elsa's arm, tightly enough to make the older girl gasp. "He's here," she hissed. "How's my hair?"

"Like a bird set up shop."

"Wait, what?"

"Anna?"

"Kristoff!" She stood up and hugged him. The blond man was huge; Anna barely came up to his chin, and her arms didn't quite make it all the way around his barrel chest.

"Hey, Fiestypants. Long time no see."

"Tell me about it." Anna pushed a drinks menu over the counter. "Are you hungry? Shall we go somewhere for decent food?"

"A drink first would be nice." He placed his order with the bartender.

"Oh, by the way, this is my best friend, Elsa. We grew up together," said the redhead, tugging slightly on Elsa's arm. "Elsa, this is Kristoff Bjorgman. We were college buddies."

"Pleased to meet you, Elsa," said Kristoff, doffing his beanie with one hand and offering the other. She smiled, charmed by his manners in spite of herself, and shook his hand.

"The pleasure's all mine."

Kristoff took a sip from his pint of beer. "So, what's with the sudden call after all these years? Have you suddenly remembered you left your hoodie in my car?"

"Firstly, can't I look up an old friend? Secondly, so that's where it went. I thought I lost it."

Kristoff grinned. Anna punched him in the arm.

"Ow. You punch like a girl, Fiestypants."

"I am a girl, Reindeer King." The familiar nickname sobered the girls. He noticed. "What's wrong? Did I say something?"

"No, it's not you, it's me." Anna shucked off her jacket and tugged the neck of her shirt down. "Specifically, this."

Kristoff narrowed his eyes. "Why did you get that tattooed on your arm? How drunk were you?"

"It's a soulmate tattoo, genius."

"A soulmate – oh. Ohhhh." He rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably. "Anna, I – "

"You what?" asked Anna, her voice strained.

Elsa was holding her breath, afraid of the answer.

" – I have a soulmate tattoo as well, though I haven't found that person." He rolled up the sleeve of his flannel shirt, showing them the inside of his bicep. "I'm sorry, but I don't think it means anything to you."

"… the thirteenth prince? What the heck?" Anna threw up her hands in frustration. "What's going on? Is this even happening?"

Elsa signaled the bartender to bring another round.

"All these years," slurred Anna, "and I never knew you were gay."

Kristoff coloured. "That's because I'm not gay, Anna."

"Explain the prince thing, then. You into some kinky shit?"

"No, damnit!"

Elsa continued to pinch the bridge of her nose, ignoring their banter.

"Wait, let me wrap my head around this, "said Kristoff. "You woke up this morning with a soulmate tattoo which points to me. My soulmate tattoo doesn't mean anything to you."

"More or less." Anna finished up her Long Island iced tea. "Sucks, doesn't it?"

"… Actually, that's not all."

"Wait, what?" said Kristoff and Anna simultaneously, glancing at Elsa.

Elsa was a little too drunk to care, or maybe the situation was farcical enough to let her put all her cards on the table. "Before Anna got hers, I got mine." She pushed the sleeve of her sweater back. Anna and Kristoff nearly collided comically as they moved to take a look.

"Do you want to build – oh. I see. So that's why you've been wearing long sleeves recently," said Anna. "When we were young, I distinctly remember you wearing T-shirts in the dead of winter, saying the cold never bothered you."

Elsa stared at her. "… You aren't freaking out. Why aren't you freaking out? We grew up together, Anna, we're practically sisters."

Anna shrugged. "Frankly, childhood best friends falling in love is a huge cliché even the blind could see coming. Also, I've kinda lost my ability to freak out after this entire mess started," she pointed at her arm, "so when you take that into account, a lot of things lose their capacity for surprise. You could freeze the whole city over right now and I wouldn't bat an eyelid."

Kristoff grunted his agreement, knocking back another beer.

"Oh," said Elsa, looking relieved. "I'm glad."

"You're my best friend, no matter what." Anna leaned over to catch her in a quick sideways hug. "Uh, I'm not making you uncomfortable, am I…?"

"It's a soulmate mark, not a magic switch that makes me want to ravage you in a fit of raging desire whenever you touch me," said Elsa dryly.

Anna smirked, even as Kristoff choked on his drink. "Uh – good to hear."

They drank in companionable silence for a while. Elsa, in the middle of finishing a martini, sat up suddenly. "The thirteenth prince! Of course!"

"What?" said Anna blearily.

"I have a colleague in my department – Hans Westergaard. He comes from a pretty old family, plus he's the youngest of thirteen sons." She pushed her fringe away from her face. "He's the most likely candidate for Kristoff's soulmate mark. I can't believe I didn't think of him sooner."

"How do you know him?"

"We go out with our other coworkers for drinks sometimes." Elsa blushed. "I've never really thought about him in that way, though."

Kristoff hiccoughed. "Is he a bottom? 'Cause I'm definitely not a bottom."

"Kristoff!" both girls shrieked.

Hans didn't question why Elsa was asking him out suddenly, and why she had two rather drunk people with her. "My friend, Anna, and her friend, Kristoff," introduced Elsa quickly. Both mumbled greetings.

"Nice to meet you," said Hans politely. "What's up, Elsa? Not that it isn't nice to see you, of course, but on such short notice..." He frowned suddenly. "Are you okay? Did anything happen?"

She smiled fondly, touched by his concern. "No, nothing's wrong. Sorry to scare you like that. It's just – Hans, do you have a soulmate tattoo?"

He blinked, taken aback by the question. "A what?"

"Soulmate tattoo. Words linked to your soulmate that magically appear on you overnight."

He appraised them all carefully, and then herded them out the door, and into his car. "Where're we going?" asked Elsa.

"My place. I think you all should be sober for this."

The next morning saw them all gathered in Hans' living room, Anna and Kristoff looking distinctly rumpled. Elsa sat primly beside them. Hans passed them all mugs of steaming hot coffee, which they accepted gratefully.

"Basically," said Elsa once she was feeling better, "Kristoff over there has a soulmate tattoo that I think points to you." The blond man blushed, but rolled up his sleeve to show it to Hans, whose eyes widened.

"That's the nickname my parents called me by, so I suppose that's it."

Kristoff smiled shyly.

"But…"

"I'm sensing this is a huge but," said Anna.

"I'm sorry, but I don't think you're my soulmate."

"Um." Elsa covered her face with a hand, just as Anna sank back with a groan. Kristoff merely nodded, expression neutral, and pushed down his sleeve.

"I got my soulmate tattoo just after graduating from college," explained Hans. The other three nodded. "I know who my soulmate is, though it's not possible for us to be together."

"What? Who?"

He yanked up his pants leg, showing them the phrase curling over his kneecap. The cold never bothered me anyway, it read.

Slowly, both Kristoff and Anna turned their heads to face Elsa, who was, equally as slowly, sinking into the couch. "... What."

"I know you don't have a soulmate tattoo, Elsa. You're the one for me, but I never said anything because I didn't want you to feel obligated to be with me."

Elsa laughed sourly. "Now I do. Have a tattoo, I mean."

"… what?"

"This entire mess started when I woke up with one a few days ago." She showed him her left wrist. "It points to Anna, who has a soulmate mark that points to Kristoff, and – well, you already know that last bit." Elsa closed her eyes. "And finally, you for me. This is just great."

Hans' gaze trailed over Elsa's wrist. "That's really fucked up – I'm sorry."

Anna snorted. "That's the understatement of the year. We're all going round in this big circle – like some sort of red string of destiny bondage crap."

Kristoff raised an eyebrow. "Bondage? Is that the best metaphor you could come up with?"

"Shush."

Elsa pinched the bridge of her nose. Despite the strong coffee, her headache was coming back in full force. "Okay. Let me get this straight. My soulmate is Anna, Anna's soulmate is Kristoff, Kristoff's soulmate is Hans, and Hans' soulmate is me."

Kristoff nodded. "Pretty accurate summary."

Elsa buried her face in her hands. "What a mess."

"Well, we'll just have to look on the bright side." Anna slung her arms around Elsa's and Kristoff's shoulders. "Foursome, anyone?"

"Anna!" they all shrieked.

Both Olaf's eyebrows rose into his fringe and he took a long sip of his drink. "Okay. So you're telling me you did have that foursome after all?"

"Olaf!" Elsa would have choked, if she hadn't anticipated it coming, and wisely avoided her drink.

He laughed. "Just kidding."

"That wasn't funny. You're looking at one of the four chew toys of destiny."

"But you four moved in together."

"We did." It was an incredibly simple solution. After talking it over, all four had sold their apartments, and with their pooled resources, was able to buy a loft in town, equidistant from their workplaces. They had separate rooms – while we wrap our heads around this thing, as Kristoff had put it. "We're still figuring out our positions in relation to each other."

"So, what happens if you don't?"

Elsa shrugged. Not having a clear-cut answer – or at least a clue in which direction the answer was – normally bothered her, but she supposed Anna and Kristoff were beginning to rub off on her and Hans, who tended towards methodical planning.

Not literally, of course.

"Is that a big thing?"

Anna scurried through the door, flinging her bag and jacket to different corners of the hallway. "There had better be room on that couch for me by the time I get there!" she yelled, muttering curses under her breath as she struggled with her shoes.

"I don't know – they don't make couches big enough these days," called Kristoff. Elsa giggled, nestling into his side as he wrapped an arm around her waist. Hans sat on Kristoff's other side, their fingers intertwined on his lap.

The redhead scowled. "My meeting ran into overtime – stupid Weselton – and I distinctly remember telling you all not to start without me. And what do you do? Start without me. Stinkers, all of you." Despite that, she kissed them all hello, and then stood, hands on her hips, as she decided where to sit.

"Go get changed," groused Hans. "You don't honestly think we're going to want to cuddle with you when you're still dressed in your grubby work things?"

"Would you rather I be out of them?" She wiggled her hips salaciously.

"While I like the show you're putting on, Anna, you're blocking the television." He jerked his head at Kristoff and Elsa, who were quietly making out. "Good thing they're busy." She easily swatted away his attempts at pushing her away; he retaliated with a quick squeeze of her butt. Anna squealed.

"Fine, I'm going," she said, marching away.

When she emerged from her room, wearing shorts and a tank top, the others were waiting expectantly for her. Anna didn't immediately fling herself down on the couch, however.

"What's the holdup, Fiestypants?" asked Kristoff.

"Hush. I'm thinking."

"It's not that hard to pick a spot on the couch."

"Still thinking." With a wicked grin, Anna sprawled over everyone's laps, drawing cries of protest. She pouted but relented, shifting to Elsa's free side, resting her head in the crook of her neck. "You two," she said, pointing at Hans and Kristoff, "aren't getting any for a week, thanks to those comments about my weight – you thought I didn't hear that, right?"

"They'll be too preoccupied to miss it much," commented Elsa, making the two men blush. Anna snorted.

Kristoff cleared his throat, still a little pink in the face. "Oh hey, it's starting."

As the show's opening credits played, Elsa glanced at her friends – soulmates, partners, whichever labels applied. Despite being the chew toys of destiny (as a joke, Anna had gotten it printed on a plaque which now took pride of place in the kitchen), things had turned out fine. More than fine. She smiled as Anna snuggled closer to her, and angled her head to kiss her softly.

Fate was definitely something you had to determine for yourself. And yes, that was definitely from a Disney movie.

It didn't make what they had any less real, though.

Author's End Notes: I regret nothing.