I deploy in two weeks.
The words echoed in Alex's head until that aforementioned day came. She wasn't exactly sure how she felt about all this. Her emotions were a complex mixture. Sean wanted to know how she felt about him leaving and she desperately wanted to tell him, but how could she tell him something even she herself couldn't understand?
She was angry, that was true. She was also sad and a part of her felt like she was being abandoned. Sean didn't intend for her to feel any of those emotions, especially not the being abandoned feeling. He'd never abandoned, not ever. He loved her and would always be there for her even if he wasn't actually there. Alex tried to be understanding, she really did. She knew Sean had never truly been a part of Division. He'd only stayed because of her and that meant the world to her. She wasn't good at showing emotions, let alone affection. Just because she doesn't show them does not mean she doesn't feel anything. Nikita was the only one she'd ever been remotely affectionate with.
As she stood beside Sean out in the crisp March air, Alex thought over how weird it would be without him around. She was just always used to him being there when she needed him. He'd be gone for a year, give or take a few months. Would she get used to his absence? If so, how long would it take for her to adjust? She was nervous but didn't want to show it.
Sean looked over and down at Alex, reaching his hand out and slipping it in hers, bringing her out of her reverie. She looked down and then up at Sean, trying to put on a smile for him. He could see she was struggling. She'd been struggling ever since he'd told her he was going to be deploying and joining his SEAL team again, albeit a couple new guys. He was going to ask if she was okay, but decided that'd be a stupid question. Of course she wasn't okay. He wasn't either. He looked cool and unperturbed on the outside, but on the inside he was a mess. He didn't want to leave her, but he couldn't just not go. He wasn't out of the SEALs yet and besides, being a SEAL is his life. He couldn't give it up. Not yet. And Alex understood the SEALs was his life and that Division was hers, not his. He also thought that a little time apart would help them. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, after all, doesn't it?
Sighing heavily, Sean stepped forward and then turned to stand in front of Alex, gazing down at her. He let go of her hand to lift his own and cup the side of her face for a moment. She looked up at him, meeting his eyes before having to look away, feeling the backs of her own eyes start to sting. She hated crying, especially in front of others. She always preferred to cry in private where she didn't have to hold back.
"Things will be fine," Sean said, stroking her cheek with his thumb. "You'll be fine. You'll get on perfectly without me," he added, his tone a bit sad. Sometimes he felt like he loved her more than she loved him. A lot of the time, actually. So he knew she'd do well without him.
"I wish you weren't going," she said, unsure of what else to say. She finally looked at him a few moments later, blinking her eyes a few times to clear her vision and keep the tears wanting to fall at bay. "I wish you were staying here with me. I know I don't - I know I'm terrible at showing affection sometimes, how much I need you - " she broke off, shaking her head and at a loss for words.
"Alex, you're a survivor. Besides, you'll have Nikita. She's always been there for you and she'll be here for you now. I had a talk with her, made her promise me she'd look after you. Look, I know you hate me going and I know you feel like I'm abandoning you. I'm not, I'm really not. This," he continued, gesturing around the base they were at, at the aircraft he was to board in a few minutes. "This is my life. I can't leave it yet. I've trained my whole life to be a SEAL. I've a few more years left in the service, then I can retire or find a desk job. Right now, I need to serve as best I can. I can't just sit around in Division and you know why. I'm not a part of your little group. No, it's okay," he added, when Alex opened her mouth to protest. Sean slid his hand down to her shoulder, cupping it. "You, Nikita, Michael and Birkhoff. You're the originals, in a way. I'm just a nuisance and you don't need me, but the SEALs need me and I can provide them with my service." He considered himself the odd man out, an intruder of the group. A wannabe. The others didn't even treat him like he belonged in Division and so he never felt like he belonged there. Only Alex had kept him rooted there for so long.
"Sean - " Alex struggled for words, hating that she didn't know what to say when so soon Sean would be gone. She wished she was good with words, exceptional. It was so hard to let someone you love know how much they meant to you. She started to panic, her rapid breathing and furrowed brows showing it.
Smiling, Sean leaned down and kissed her, cupping the back of her head. Alex instantly relaxed, letting herself fall against him. She slipped her arms around his back, holding onto him as she kissed him back. "This isn't goodbye," Sean said, pulling away and resting his forehead against hers, sliding his hand down to cup the side of her neck.
Alex rested her forehead against his, as well, closing her eyes. She smiled slightly, knowing this wasn't goodbye. She fought off any negative thoughts - like what if he got killed? Injured, maimed? - and tried to focus on their breathing, forcing hers to match his. "Just… come back to me, okay?" she asked, her voice weak.
Sean smiled at her words, moving his head so he could kiss her forehead. "I promise not to get into too much trouble," he said, keeping his lips pressed against her forehead after he spoke. He'd try his damned hardest to get back to her. One of his fears, though, was that when he was to return home that she might have moved on, found someone else. He couldn't stand the mere thought of losing her to someone else. But if he did get killed while in Iraq he'd want her to move on and be happy with whoever managed to do that.
"And write," Alex continued, pulling away to look up at him. "Promise you'll write as often as you can. I'll write, too. I might not have much of interest to say, but I'll try." Receiving letters, even emails from him would help her during his absence. Just anything of him would help her. She had a feeling as soon as she was back home she'd slip into one of his shirts, curl up and just spend all night thinking about him.
"I will write, and I will even call when I can," he said, smiling down at her. He sighed heavily again, sliding his hand back up to cup the side of her face to stroke her cheek with his thumb. "Take care of yourself, Alex."
"You, too," she said, frowning. She didn't look around them, but she could see the blurry silhouettes of people hurrying around to get where they were going. She sensed it was almost time for the men to leave. She realized then that she was clinging to him, her hand grasping onto his uniform.
"Pierce!" someone shouted, causing both Sean and Alex to look around. One of Sean's buddies was waving him over, letting him know it was time to go. Sean turned back to face Alex, not expecting to see the heartbreaking look on her face. He hated to see her look so sad, and it was even kind of sick that she looked really beautiful to him - more beautiful, really - when she heartbroken or even crying. It didn't seem right.
"Hey," he said, his voice firm. He gripped the side of her face and gazed intently into her eyes, a smile slowly forming on his face. "Everything's gonna be all right. I'll be back before you know it. Deployments like these, people always dread them and think they're going to last forever - but time occasionally flies by as long as you don't dwell on everything. I promise you I will write as often as I can. Just don't forget about me, okay?" he added, joking just a bit.
His tease succeeded. Alex laughed a bit, even smiled and nodded. She sincerely hoped he was right. That their time apart would come to an end soon and he'd come back to her in one piece. "I could never forget about you," she said, smiling earnestly. She lifted her hand, placing it on his wrist and giving it an affectionate squeeze.
"Come here," Sean said, sighing as he pulled her in for a hug. He set his bag down and wrapped both his arms around her, hugging her tightly. He buried his face into her neck first for a few moments, and then pulled away to kiss the side of her head before cupping the back of her head with one hand. He could feel her clinging to him, unwilling to let him go. He couldn't blame her. He was clinging onto her as well, dreading being separated from her for such a long period of time. But this was something he had to do. He felt he had to do it, get back to where part of him belonged. It was hard. He didn't belong in Division, but Alex did - at least for now. She certainly didn't belong in Iraq with him. He didn't want her anywhere near there. "Listen to me," he continued, turning his head so his lips were close to her ear. By the way her body tensed, he knew he had her full attention. Her fingers were gripping his uniform again. "I love you. Remember that. Someone once told me that the ones we love never leave us. They remain in our hearts. You're in mine. Keep me in yours and you'll be okay. You're strong, Alex. You're the strongest person I know, okay? I'll be back soon." He sighed again, lifting his head to press a kiss to the side of her head again, letting his lips linger on her hair for several moments. He inhaled the scent of her as he lowered his head again, burying his face into her neck. He wanted to remember everything about this moment; how she smelled, how she felt, how they were holding each other. He'd soon forget how it felt to hold her and be held by her.
When he heard his name called again, Sean finally pulled away from Alex and smiled encouragingly at her. He cupped the side of her face again, starting to pull away when she grabbed him by the hand and yanked him back towards her. She quickly brought her hands up to cup his face between them, leaning in and crushing her lips against his. She kissed him fiercely, exactly like someone who wasn't going to be seeing the love of her life for a very, very long time. She relished the kiss, the passion of it. That was one of the things she'd always wanted. Passion. And Sean gave it to her. She did love him, but she was afraid to say it. Every time she fell in love that person left her. She was afraid of losing Sean so much, so she never said those three big words.
Pulling away, Sean smiled and caressed her cheek with the back of his hand, smiling. "My girl," he said, his voice low. Alex smiled, a happy smile but the happiness didn't entirely reach her eyes. There was more sadness than joy in them.
Kissing her on the forehead one last time, Sean then picked up his bag and then finally walked towards the aircraft. He felt like he was walking through sand, his footsteps heavy and slow. He stood tall, his face stern as he got closer and closer to his buddy. He patted him on the back, gesturing for Mike to go on in first and that he'd follow. Once the other guy was on the aircraft, Sean took a few steps and then turned around to look at Alex. She was far away now, but he could still see her as if she was right in front of him. He nodded at her, placing his hand above where his heart was, smiled, and then turned and stepped up into the aircraft that would take him and the other SEALs to the base in Iraq. He was excited to finally be going, but at the same time his heart was breaking over Alex. It hurt even more as he sat down and strapped himself in for take-off. This wasn't a regular civilian aircraft. There were no window seats, so he couldn't look out the window at her. He closed his eyes, however, picturing her in his mind as he felt the aircraft start to move, and then soon they were in the air.
On the ground, Alex joined the other people who'd said goodbye to loved ones, watching the aircraft take off. She remained even after everyone had left, staring at the empty sky as if the aircraft Sean was on was just hovering in the air. It finally sunk in. He was gone. Soon he was going to be with friends, be in a place where he truly belonged. Without her. She felt her whole world collapse around her and almost wanted to sink to the ground. She held herself together, though. For some reason she had thought this was all a bad dream, that she'd wake up or Sean would say, Surprise! Just kidding. I'm not really deploying. This - all of this - it was really happening. He wasn't here anymore. She'd go home and get in an empty bed. She'd wake up alone. She was starting to realize she'd taken him a bit for granted, just - she had just always expected him to be here with her. She had a lot of adjusting to do in the months to come.