Candy-Apple Red: Jane's figured out Lisbon slept with Mashburn. He's bored. Mischievous antics ensue.
Note: Just a silly little fic that came into my head randomly. Enjoy. Please read & review.
Disclaimer: Unless I have died and gone to heaven, I still don't own The Mentalist.
"Hey!" called Lisbon cheerfully as she sauntered languidly under the yellow tape.
"Why, good morning Lisbon! Nice of you to join us, you're awfully chipper today!" Jane remarked, raising his blonde eyebrows at her. Lisbon rolled her eyes, a hint of a blush gracing her sharp cheekbones. She cleared her throat, shaking her memory of last night's hot one-night stand with Walter Mashburn to the back of her mind.
"What's the story?" she asked, smiling widely at Agent Rigsby as he approached with the case report for the gruesome scene in front of the team. "You're in a good mood today, Boss." Rigsby replied, squinting at her as if trying to pinpoint the reason for the sudden change in Lisbon's mood. Lisbon darted her eyes around self-consciously, as the rest of the team turned to look at her.
"Oh, really?" she started defensively. "Well...the sun's out." She faltered lamely, concentrating solely on avoiding Jane's sceptical gaze. The sun's out? It's California you idiot, she thought. She knew he could tell she was lying, but she wasn't about to let him figure out why. If he knew she'd slept with Mashburn, he'd never let her live it down. She gestured to Rigsby and he handed her the case file, which she studied meticulously, all the while feeling Jane's baby-blues boring into the back of her black suit jacket.
Jane strolled back and forth in front of his soft brown leather couch at the CBI headquarters, his computer-like mind whirring as he tried to work out what was different about Lisbon. He was done with the case already, it was clearly the wife that killed their victim. But the more pressing problem was why the sudden change in Lisbon's mood.
Jane ran over the morning's events in his head. The petite brunette had shown up to work late, for the first time since he'd known her. She was happy. Not sarcastic, almost vulnerable-looking. Then it hit him, and he licked his lips as he tried not to laugh out loud. She'd had sex last night! With Mashburn!
Rubbing his hands together in devilish glee, Jane thought about how he would go about this. He certainly wasn't going to leave it alone, the case was over and he was bored. He started pacing faster, but stopped suddenly when he caught Rigsby out the corner of his eye, heading straight for Lisbon's office, a case file in hand. Jane walked quickly over, intercepting the younger man.
"Whatcha got there?" he enquired, loading his voice with the fake innocence he'd perfected over the years. Rigsby looked at him suspiciously, learning to trust Jane less and less every time the consultant scammed him. "Remember that crazy ex of Mashburn's, Elsa? It's just the transcript of her interview, and results of her police-ordered physical. Thought I'd let Boss look over it before I put it in for filing. Between you and me," Rigsby whispered conspiratorially, "She has herpes! I wonder if anyone told that Walter dude?" Jane smirked. Perfect. "I dunno. Here," he replied, trying to sound helpful, "You're busy, I'll give the file to her." The blonde consultant stared up at the taller agent, not breaking eye contact until poor Rigsby became so unnerved that he simply handed over the case file. "Oookaaay..." Rigsby gave in and walked off quickly before he could witness the inevitable trouble he had just allowed to happen.
Lisbon sighed from behind her ever-growing mound of paperwork as she heard the familiar rat-tat-tat on her office door. "What is it Jane?" she called wearily. She was starting to regret the very little sleep she'd had last night. She rolled her eyes as her attractive consultant entered, a worryingly smug grin on his face. "Well?" she demanded impatiently, eyeing up the case file in his hand. "Results of Elsa's physical and interview transcript. Rigsby thought you would want to check it over before filing."
"Great." Lisbon said sarcastically. "More paperwork. Just lay it on the desk, I'll get to it later." Jane tilted his head doubtfully. "I think you may want to look at it now." He said, stifling a laugh.
Lisbon looked at his sharply, suspicion saturating her voice as she asked "Whyyyy?" He simply nodded at the file in response, so she picked it up, watching him with guarded eyes all the while. Slowly, she opened the file and scanned first the transcript, then the physical, looking for the obvious discrepancy Jane was hinting at. With a sickening jolt of dread, her eyes fell on the section headed "Sexually Transmitted Diseases."
She scanned each one, all negative, until with sinking heart she saw what she was looking for. "Herpes – Positive." NO! Lisbon's eyes widened in horror as she realised: Walter had slept with Elsa. Lisbon had slept with Walter. That meant...she could have...Lisbon's head sunk into her hands and she gripped the bridge of her nose, closing her eyes as she begged her cheeks to stop flaming. "What's wrong?" Jane asked pointedly, the corners of his mouth twitching as he fought to keep a straight face.
"Nothing," she dismissed him, her mind racing as she struggled to think of an excuse. "I have a headache that's all; think I may be coming down with something." She sighed, shaking her head and willing Jane to leave so she could think this through. Jane smirked evilly. "German Measles perhaps?" he asked spluttering as he watched her grow an unflattering shade of candy-apple-red. Lisbon's eyebrows shot up in horror as she realised what he was implying. He knows I slept with Walter, her mind screamed as she watched his patronizing smile progress into smug laughter, and the rage bubbled in her stomach. "Jane," she said, her voice low and threatening, "if you say a word, so help me God I will shoot you." She was mortified. Of all the people, of course it would be Jane that figured it out! Jane's eyes glinted mischievously, and he began singing in a mocking voice, "Lisbon and Mashburn sittin' in a tree..."
"GO TO HELL!" she yelled, slamming her hands down on the desk as she stood up angrily. Jane giggled uncontrollably at her hilariously predictable reaction. Irritating her just never got old. "Wow, Lisbon, you're so easy...to irk and apparently to f-" He was silenced by a projectile stapler narrowly missing his cherubic blonde curls. Chuckling, he felt his work was done and left, a cheerful spring in his step as he walked away across the bullpen.
Lisbon's flopped down in the chair, and her head connected with the desk with a defeated thud.