disclaimer: I own nothing!
A/N: This is just a one off. I rewatched The Last Jedi recently so this is admittedly some fluff. Enjoy!
It'd been months since Rey had shut the door of the Falcon on him. He knelt before her clutching the golden dice that used to belong to his father. They disappeared in his hand and Rey along with them. She'd shut him out as everyone else in his life had but this time he couldn't help but feel as though he deserved it. The ones around him, feared him and they obeyed him because they had to. In his role as Supreme Leader, he could dictate how people felt about him. He didn't have to earn their affections or their respect. He liked it that way.
Kylo Ren sat aboard his ship alone. He'd dismissed his crew and sent Hux away. He wanted the solitude after his failure at Crait. He'd been circling the galaxy alone since that day leaving General Hux to do whatever he wanted with the First Order army. He knew Hux wouldn't be able to find the Falcon without him so the war would be on a stalemate until he returned anyway. If he returned.
He had shut himself off from the force since that day. He didn't want his uncle coming to taunt him from beyond the grave. He could feel Rey trying to connect with him every so often but he shut her out too. She was a reminder that he'd squandered his last chance. It hadn't been too late before but it was definitely too late now.
He threw his clothes aside and climbed into bed. He allowed his thoughts to torture him until he was worn out enough to sleep. He tossed and turned restlessly amidst his black, satin sheets. How ridiculous they were. All of the accoutrement was ridiculous.
Ren thought that when his uncle died, the night he burned the temple would disappear from his dreams. But it replayed over and over again in his mind. He always woke up right before Luke swung his lightsaber to kill him. He could hear Luke's voice in his mind, 'Ben, no!'. He heard the familiar screams that followed and then he jolted awake in a cold sweat. He looked around the room. Visibility was limited in the dark but he could see that all of the furniture in his chamber was hovering above the ground. He sat up in bed and tried to regain his breath. He looked around him, feeling the presence of another. It was probably his droid.
He turned to have a look and was shocked to find a figure asleep in his bed next to him. The shock it gave him caused him to release his force hold on everything in the room. All of the furniture crashed to the ground with a loud thud and the figure beside him jumped up in fright. It was Rey.
"What am I doing here?!" she yelled, pulling her blaster out in one swift movement.
"I'd like to know the same," Ren said, trying but failing to summon his lightsaber.
"You've cut yourself off from the force," Rey observed. "You're weak."
"I'm not weak," Ren replied. "I just didn't want unexpected visits from you or Luke Skywalker but obviously it's not working. I guess I can't control it in my sleep."
"What were you dreaming about?" Rey asked suspiciously.
"Not you," Ren snapped. "What were you dreaming about? You're the one that appeared in my bed."
Rey put her blaster away and stepped closer. Ren flinched. He took a step back.
"Are you afraid of me? Don't lie to me. I can sense it," she said.
"No. But you're stronger now. I can feel it. Why?" Ren asked.
"Because you've abandoned the force. I don't have you to balance me out," she replied.
Ren looked Rey up and down. She was still wearing her Jedi knight uniform.
"Is that how you sleep?" Ren asked.
"Yes," Rey replied, offended. "Not everyone has their own ship. Up until I joined the Rebellion I lived in an abandoned AT-AT walker in the middle of the Jakku desert. I don't exactly have a lot of things and certainly no time to go buy them. Or should I sleep naked like you?"
Ren gave Rey a disapproving look and didn't justify her question with an answer. She was implying that he was a spoiled brat and he didn't like that. He'd been raised by a princess and a smuggler. He'd gotten anything he wanted as a child except for their love. He wasn't charming or smooth-talking like his father and he wasn't refined like his mother. He was tall, brooding, awkward and had more power than he knew what to do with. His parents feared him and so they sent him away to an uncle that tried to murder him in his sleep.
"I'm tired, Rey. You can leave if you only want to insult me," Ren said.
"Ben," Rey whispered. "I'm sorry."
His ears perked up at the sound of his name.
"You're sorry!" Ben growled. "For what? For disturbing my sleep? I think there are other things you should be sorry for!"
Rey went over to Ben and took both of his hands in hers. He flinched at the contact but he didn't pull away.
"I abandoned you. I'm sorry, Ben. But you must understand why," Rey pleaded.
"I killed Snoke for no other reason than me not wanting to see you die," he said. "I betrayed my allegiance to him. I betrayed my mission and the dark side. And for what? You left me. Hux wants me dead, the Rebellion obviously wants me dead. Even the force wants me dead. It's tearing me apart and you're sorry?!" Ben barked.
"You killed Han Solo!" Rey cried.
"Yeah and he was my father. Not yours. He was mine to lose and he's mine to mourn. My relationship with him is none of your business! Must I remind you that you've killed too, Rey. The whole Rebellion has killed. Don't play the moral high ground here because we'll both lose," Ben spat. "You think you all are so great and fight for the light but Luke tried to murder me in my sleep. I was a child! He failed me and I'm sorry to say it but he failed you too."
"He did," Rey admitted. "I didn't care for him. He was angry and cruel and he was too consumed by his own mistakes to help me."
Ben was surprised by her reaction. He expected her to be in love with Luke like the rest of the universe was.
"You trained me, Ben. More than Luke ever did," Rey said. "You're the first person I ever saw use the force and the first person I ever saw wield a lightsaber. You even offered to teach me several times and I said no. But I didn't need teaching. I've been fighting my entire life. I needed someone to support me and nurture me while I was figuring all of this out. You did that for me. You showed me how to use the force and you showed me how important and how strong I actually am. You've never underestimated me and you've always been patient. I've never had anyone before. It killed me to leave you but I had to. I hope you understand why."
"Whether I understand or not, you still left." Ben said. "You have to understand why I couldn't join you too."
"I do," Rey said. "But where does that leave us?"
"Nowhere. There's no future where we end up together." Ben said.
Rey contemplated his words. They were harsh but he was right. There were two sides and they were on either one. If either of them deviated, the force would be unbalanced and the destruction they'd cause would be unmatched.
"Help us defeat the First Order," Rey pleaded. "I know your heart isn't in the fight any longer. I think you could be forgiven if you help."
"You want me to defeat an entire army?" Ben asked. "I think you overestimate my power. This war is decades older than us. You think that if I ask them nicely to stop then they'll stop? You're naive."
"I'm asking you to try. That's all any of us can do." Rey replied. "Don't be like Luke. Don't run away from your mistakes. Just try."
"You ask too much!" Ben said loudly. "I already offered you the world. I offered you myself, the galaxy, the entire universe. I offered you everything and you said no. You don't deserve to ask anything else of me. I jeopardized all that I've built for you already. I won't do it again."
Rey let go of Ben's hands. He mourned the sudden loss of her warmth.
"I don't intend to beg. If it's a fight that you want then that's what you'll get. I'll fight you with everything that I have." Rey warned. "When the moment comes, I won't hesitate."
Ben stretched out his hand and his lightsaber came flying towards his palm. But Rey deflected it and it flew into her hand instead. She ignited it and Ben backed away towards the wall. She began swinging wildly, destroying everything in her way. Ben just watched her in awe. He'd never known a woman to be so strong and so fierce. When she fought, she fought with pure strength and power. She didn't have the finesse of someone well trained like he did. But she was powerful and she didn't hold back. That's the way she was with everything. She loved and she hated with equal ferocity. He wanted to be loved by her.
"Stop!" Ben yelled finally after his chamber was mostly in tatters.
Rey stopped abruptly and pointed the lightsaber at Ben instead. He tried to summon her blaster but Rey flicked it out of his hand with a motion of her wrist.
"I should kill you now." Rey said coldly.
"Do it." Ben said calmly.
She approached him with the lightsaber and drew it closely to his face. It was inches from his throat. She could do it. It'd be too easy. She'd be a hero.
"Do it!" Ben repeated.
Rey hesitated and Ben was able to win the upper hand. He used the force to send her smashing into the wall behind her. She winced at the pain in her back but she still held the lightsaber. Ben had her pinned to the wall with the force but she was still able to move her arms slightly. When Ben rushed her, she brandished the lightsaber. She caught his shoulder slightly but it was only a flesh wound. It felt like no more than a bug bite to him.
He knocked his lightsaber out of her hand and he seized her by the throat just firmly enough so she couldn't move but not hard enough to hurt. His force hold on her was still in place. She couldn't believe how strong he was. She'd beaten him in battle twice already but the first time he was already injured and the second time she couldn't help but feel he was holding back.
Rey tried to break the force bond but she couldn't. She couldn't escape.
"I hate you!" Rey yelled.
She started to slowly close her fist. The metal walls of the ship started to crush and bend around them.
"You're insane. You'll kill us both!" Ben shouted.
"I'm not really here," Rey said as she continued to crush the ship like it was a tin can.
"Stop!" Ben shouted at the top of his lungs.
He couldn't believe the power he was sensing off of her. He could almost see the force rippling through her and crackling through her brown eyes. She let out a pained yell. The effort was killing her.
"You're killing yourself! Stop! Please!" Ben pleaded with her.
She wouldn't relent. She meant what she had said. She wouldn't fight him with everything she had. She was prepared to die if it meant destroying him. It didn't matter how much she cared for him. He was a threat to the force and to the lives of the entire galaxy. He'd caused so much pain and so much death.
Ben didn't know what to do. In a moment's time the cabin pressure would drop and he'd be sucked out into space. He looked at the woman in front him, wise beyond her years and more powerful than a million dying stars. He leaned down and placed his lips on hers. He kissed her so gently that she wasn't even sure he'd actually done it. Her concentration was broken and she was unable to maintain her hold on the ship.
He moved his hand from her throat and slid them down to her waist, pressing his body up against hers which was still pinned to the wall. Her breath was ragged and uneven. They didn't break eye contact once. She didn't know how to react to the sudden change in energy.
"What are you doing?" she asked finally.
"I couldn't die without knowing what this feeling for you I have is." Ben said.
Rey shifted uncomfortably. She noticed then that he'd released her from his force hold.
"I've tried to hate you. For months, I've tried." He said. "But I don't. I'm tired of hating. I'm tired of us hurting each other when it's clear we're meant to be on the same side."
He took her hand and placed it on his face. He forced her fingers to feel the deep scar she'd left there. He dragged her hand down the entire length of it and then placed it on his heart. She didn't know why she was surprised to feel it beating. Its beat was fast and erratic.
"I don't know what to say." Rey said.
"It's clear you don't feel the same about me." Ben said in a resigned tone. "Am I surprised? You just tried to kill me."
He turned away to walk back to the center of the room where nothing was broken. But Rey stopped him. She stood on her tiptoes and put her arms around his neck. Stooping to her height was uncomfortable for him so he picked her up and sat down on the bed with her on his lap. They were eye to eye now.
"What does this mean?" Rey asked.
"It means that tomorrow you'll go back to hating me and you'll keep fighting for the side that wants me dead. And I'll- well I don't know what I'll do. All I know is that I won't hurt you. I don't care if the two sides blow themselves up. I won't let anything happen to you. You're the only person in this force forsaken universe that I care about. The rest can burn for all I care." Ben said.
His words scared Rey because she knew he meant them. She pushed his black hair out of his face and just looked at him. He stared back at her, seeing in her mind all of the things she wished he was.
"I wish that I was different too." Ben said.
Rey felt the connection slipping away. She'd be back on the Rebel base within seconds. Before she went, she kissed Ben full on the lips. He wasn't surprised. He saw her intentions clearly in her mind before she even leaned in. He ran his hand all the way down her back, pulling her to him as closely as he could. His movements were rough and deliberate. Ben could hear Rey's mind telling him that she didn't want to leave but the force cared little for their triste amongst the stars.
Rey disappeared from his arms and he was left aboard his ship alone to wonder when or if he'd see her again.