A Hopeless Hope
Tamao's POV – Penultimate Week of Summer Term - Fifth Year
It's bright.
The bed is warm, as usual. I feel it trapping me here, as my eyes catch snatches of sky blue between pale pink waves of curtain. A late Spring has finally given way to Summer, although the temperature hasn't quite caught up yet. I wonder if the breeze will be as cold today as it has been the past few, causing the junior school girls to hug their tops tightly and shiver every time a gust passes through.
Am unladylike yawn shakes my body and escapes my mouth. I'm glad that Nagisa has her own room opposite mine and so missed that; although she's also away this week in any event. I don't want to think about that; the fact she went away and where she went away. Bother. Every time I think of her (of them) the piece of my heart that remains uncrushed starts crying. To crush all my heart would be inhuman but even this tiny amount is so painful. It's been hard to shield Nagisa in her pureness from my tainted bitterness; but the more I try to shield the more the distance grows between us. At times now it seems the only thing tying us together is our roles as President and Vice President; the fact we agreed to stand together an attempt to reconcile our friendship following that dreadful day at the Etoiles.
That remains a shadowy nightmare. Sometimes I wake grasping at the air for Nagisa's fading hand and with that voice calling my precious Nagisa away. Like now even the thought stings my eyes and casts a chill icier than any the wind can muster through me. But with time at least its effect has become more wraith like than the full on stabbing pain at the time that threatened to rip my heart asunder.
If she'd never have come I would never have known how exciting life could be, but I'd also never have realised how empty my life was without her. I rub the moisture and sleep from my eyes and kick back the white duvet. I can think later. A glance at the rectangular, white digital clock to my right tells me I need to move fast to be on time for my morning duties. Tardiness might as well be a sin at St Miators.
Whilst Nagisa's been away (with her) the last couple of days I've assumed all the Presidential duties. At this point in term they are mainly functional, and given Nagisa's lack of organisation I've been doing most of them from behind the scenes anyway. Nagisa's strength is in her public displays and the affection she shows all students. She's the figurehead: Unspoilt, happy, innocent. I'm the unloved caretaker who ensures all ticks smoothly in the background. Well unloved is a little melodramatic. I have fans as well but to me, stupid and hopeless as it is, my heart is only willing to count the love of one person as worthy - as it has done from the beginning.
I tie mauve ribbons into my hair and neaten them out whilst looking into the pine framed mirror on my bedside table. I ought to hate her, but I can't because I know her too well. She allowed herself to be captivated by a stunning sight with a sob story. Any girl as innocent as her would have fallen too. That she was happy with her is bittersweet to me, I can't say truthfully that her happiness is my own. I believe in my heart I can make her happier. I believe my love is stronger. How can it not be compared to one who so selfishly took Nagisa's love for granted? Who chose such a hurtful time to re-confess? Who graduated a few weeks later and is now only seeing Nagisa for the third time in three months? Love is cruel. I like how I look and yet a wolf in angelic guise is the one to steal the most precious of hearts. Well I'm no angel I suppose, but I'd like to think I'm no wolf either.
I check my uniform is on correctly, observe a renewed sparkling at the edges of my eyes and recheck the time.
Ah, this morning I'm thinking about it far too much. Why can't I let the crushed remnants of hope go? Probably because the prize is too great.
I throw a slightly damp tissue into the bin by my door, grasp the wooden doorknob and twist clockwise.
It's a new day but it might as well be any other. As I walk down the corridors with a light step and practiced smile, listening to the respectful murmurs of Tamao-oneesama from my juniors, I wonder whether I'm really alive anymore...because it feels like I'm simply existing on the hope of a miracle.
For the first time in a long long while I've managed to write something! Apologies to those waiting on a new Women in Love or Friendly Jolt Chapter – I have finally started writing one for the former after discovering Girlfriends Volume 1 in English last Saturday XD But am still struggling for inspiration on taking it forward as well as generally time and energy.
Whilst trying to work that out I also brought the first volume of Strawberry Panic and re-read it. It reminded me just how amazing a character Tamao is (and also how self-centred Shizuma is). It's my opinion that, based on her actions in the manga, Shizuma's infatuation for Nagisa is something fickle that will change again on her imminent graduation – and so I thought to write a fanfic that explores that route. The way Shizuma plays with Nagisa's feelings (in particular the timing of her second confession) annoys me a lot, so if you are a Shizuma fan this probably isn't the fanfic for you, albeit I don't expect her to have a huge presence in it.
As a side I also liked the idea of YayaxHikari, although not to the same extent as TamaoxNagisa, probably in part because at least Amane's love seems more genuine and Yaya has a decent and better suited partner in Tsubomi to fall back on.