Synopsis: oneshot. How the GF characters deal with the Mary Sue menace.

Disclaimer: the animated show "Galactik Football" doesn't belong to me. I'm not making any money with this fic so please, don't sue me.

What to do with the Mary Sues

Shiloe

It was a normal night on Shiloe. Most people were sleeping in their spaceships; some were still working, exchanging or repairing what they had stolen. Everything was quiet.

Suddenly, sirens were heard! Alert! Mary Sue! Alert! Mary Sue! Alert! Mary Sue! Everyone left their beds and took their weapons. It was quite unusual for them as Pirates usually never took weapons with them, except the occasional sleeping device. They wanted everyone to know that they were actually more fair-play and pacific than the Technoïd but a Mary Sue was much more dangerous than the Technoïd. It was the worst thing you could imagine.

Artie spot her first. She was crying at the corner of a street, her magnificent emerald hair falling down her snow white body, and her crying made her even more beautiful. "Please", she said, "Bleylock has been using me as a slave for fifty years, but I know how we can get rid of him! You just have to…" She never finished her sentence. A random pirate shot her and she fell down.

Sonny Blackbone was about to have a closer look at her but Corso held him back. If she was not completely dead yet, she could still resurrect in the arms of the charismatic leader, make a sentimental speech and kiss him, and die, and resurrect again, blah, blah, blah… While Artie was wondering how she could have been a slave for 50 years even though she didn't look older than 16, they all shot her in turn and went back to their homes.

"We have to do something", Corso said to his leader shortly after. "This is the fifth this month. It's getting worse and worse."

"We can't kill the Mary Sues" Sonny said. "Unless…" His pirate instinct was telling him that there was a way to get rid of them but at the same time, he was getting worried about his son. He decided to visit him as soon as possible.

Ooo0ooo0oo

D'Jok's room on Akilian, late at night

"Mary Sues?" the pirate's son asked, puzzled. "We used to have one of them every other month, yes, but now we are getting more and more of them. We had one two days ago, prettier than Meï, smarter than Thran, able to play perfectly even though she was blind, which was a bigger handicap than Ahito's, more determined than Tia, more hard-working…"

"I see what you mean" Sonny said quickly. "What do you do with them usually?"

"We lock them with Mark. They can stand having to spend time with an unpopular character so they run away quickly."

Micro-Ice, who had been sleeping up to now, opened his eyes and yawned. "Poor Mark, nobody deserves that… Hey, what's Sonny Blackbone doing in our room?"

"It's a dream!" his friend said quickly.

"Yes", the pirate added. "Be careful, all this suffering may make Mark become more popular, which could attract the Sues to him. On Shiloe, we just kill them all."

"You kill them?" his son asked. "I thought you didn't believe in unnecessary violence…"

"This is not unnecessary violence. I have to go now. Good luck for your match against the Shadows."

And the pirate left, cautiously avoiding a pool of silver blood a Sue had left behind her.

Ooo0ooo0oo

Shadow planet

Sinedd was walking in a street, closely followed by the most beautiful woman you could imagine, blah, blah, blah, magnificent hair, eyes that changed color whenever she smiled, laughed or sneezed, a baby unicorn in her arms. "Sinedd, I am your mother and I survived the war!" she said for the umpteenth time.

"You're not!" he said, exasperated.

"I am! You inherited your football skills from me!"

"You can't be a football player! No good female player can have F-cups, it would be too uncomfortable for running!"

"They are magical boobs! Please, listen to me…"

He turned around and snorted. "Why would I listen to you? I'm a cool character so I don't need you! Go away!"

"But I love you! And I know I'll have an extraordinary destiny! And we'll get married and our children will become football players and…"

"You think you're my mom, and then you want to marry me?!!" he asked, disgusted.

She shrugged. "You're my adoptive son, actually. And I'm D'Jok's biological mom, too. It happened that I didn't die at the beginning of the Ice Age…"

"Lucky you. He'll be here for the match tonight", he said perfidiously before watching the woman running to the hotel where the Snow Kids were staying. Then he ran to the place he was sleeping, took his computer and made a call. The face of an ordinary-looking woman appeared on the screen. "Hello?"

"Scriptwriter? Tell you team I want to be killed in the first episode of season 3. Or pair me with a well-rounded canon significant other! Anything's better than those Mary Sues!"

The woman yawned. "It won't prevent the fangirls from resurrecting you or killing the canon partner, you know…"

Ooo0ooo0oo

A Pirate spaceship, a few weeks later

Artie and Bennett were waiting for the attack to begin. Their preys were lying at their feet, asleep, half-hidden by their hair that changed color every other hour, eyes as magnificent as… (insert purple prose here).

"Why do you think Sonny told all the Pirates to come to the Technoïd's premises with at least one Mary Sue each?" the younger Pirate asked, puzzled.

His friend shrugged. "He must have a good reason", he said.

Then their leader's face appeared on the screen. "To everyone: our hackers managed to break their security systems. This will be dangerous. You will put your Mary Sues in the Technoïd's premises without waking them up and then run away very quickly."

The two friends exchanged a quick look. Pirates could cope with any kind of danger but this was going to be tricky. "Do you think we can do that?" Artie asked.

"We have to," Bennett said. At their feet, the Sues were already yawning. Artie shook his head.

"They think we're cool characters! They'll marry us both ten times before we start! Unless…" He bent down and untied the crazy girls. Then he wrote something on a scrap of paper and locked himself with his friend in the cockpit. A few seconds later, a Mary Sue got up and looked around her.

"What are we doing here, Serenity Krystyan'za Alinazore Nexus? Oh, read this! "The next Galactik Football cup will take place in ten minutes, in the Technoïd premises…"

"Let's go at once, K'edhajitanila-rinesita!" the other one said. "Later, we'll go back in time and find your father, and save the world, and so on!"

They both left. In the cockpit, the two pirates were sighing with relief. They were nearly sorry for the Technoïd, though.

Ooo0ooo0oo

The Snow Kids home, later

The Akilian players were watching television. Callie Mystie announced the main news and ended with an unexpected event. "We just learnt that the Technoïd premises were destroyed last night by abnormal creatures." Images followed. The Snow Kids shivered.

"Even the Pirates can't make such a massacre" Thran noticed. "They must have been a hundred. Who could do that?"

"I'm just glad we don't have to cope with the same thing", D'Jok said.

The end!