Disclaimer: I own NOTHING. Not the show, not the characters, not the song...NOTHING By the way, the song is "Trying" - sung by Diamond Rio and Chely Wright. Not sure who wrote it, but it wasn't me.
P.S. this has not been beta'd. please forgive me.
Cursing Sins
"They can't do this, Sara. They can't."
Sara looked up from where she was seated on the couch and watched as the man in front of her paced back and forth across the floor of their apartment.
"Yeah, Nick, I think they can. You haven't exactly given them a reason not to take action."
"So you think this is all my fault?"
"That's not what I said."
"But that's what you were thinking, wasn't it?"
"Listen to me. I can't even begin to imagine what it was like for you out there. Buried alive in that box, wondering if anyone would find you in time…" Sara shuddered at the thought of the man she loved being so close to death. The memories of that day still haunted her. "But we found you, Nick. We got you out of there and you went to counseling and I thought you were going to be okay."
Nick began to yell. "Well, I'm not okay, am I, Sara? I was never okay!"
Sara raised her voice to match his. "You would have been. If you needed more help, I would've seen to it that you got whatever you needed. But instead of turning to me, you turned to Jack Daniels! And you can't see that you're not any better. You're just a miserable drunk who's one step away from losing his job. You're lucky all they did was suspend you!"
"You don't know what you're talking about." His voice was calm, but the anger was evident on Nick's face as he picked up his jacket and car keys. Sara's eyes filled with tears as the door slammed shut behind him.
She said I'm not pointing fingers
He said yes you are
'Cause you wouldn't bring it up if you weren't
Nick drove past the bars and nightclubs that littered the Las Vegas strip and thought about Sara. He knew she was right. He should have confided in her when he realized he wasn't coping with his situation as well as he should have been. Instead, he started drinking heavily, and it was beginning to affect his all areas of his life.
His relationship with Sara was going downhill because of the stress that his problem had been putting on her. His career was suffering, as well. His job performance and solve rate had dropped drastically, causing him to be demoted to a Level 2. Earlier that day, after a very heated argument with Grissom (including a few very colorful words) regarding his demotion, Nick was placed on a two week unpaid suspension, and was teetering very close to the edge of losing his job. To make matters worse, he couldn't even turn to his friends for support when he got suspended, because they too had begun to pull away from him when he started his downward spiral and had even gone as far as telling Sara that she should get away from him herself. But she had stayed with him…tried to help him.
Turning around in an abandoned parking lot, Nick knew what he had to do. He had to go back to Sara and ask for help. He needed to prove to her that he could change. But would she believe him? Would she accept his apologies and help pull himself out of the back hole he had created for himself?
"I don't know," he whispered to himself, "but I've got to try."
If I told you I'd been walking
Out in the dark night thinking
Would you take as truth this alcoholic's word
Oh, I can't change what's done is done
But I can tell you this
Not a day goes by that I
Don't curse myself and all my sins
And I need you to hold on to
While this part of me is dying
Though I haven't kicked the demons
That haunt me
I'm Trying
I'm Trying
Sara opened the door to the lab break room and was met by Warrick's stare. "Sara, isn't this your night off?"
"It is, but don't tell Gris I'm here, okay? He'll send me home and I don't want to be at home. The silence is killing me."
"I take it Nick's not handling the suspension very well."
Sara sat down at the table and buried her face in her hands. "Oh, he's handling it like he handles everything else."
"Looking for evidence at the bottom of a bottle?"
"Yeah. And I couldn't tell you where he is or what he's drinking. "
"What are you going to do?"
"I don't know. The part of me that loves him tells me to stay and wait it out until he's ready to help himself, but the part of me that's frustrated and angry tells me to give up. And the 'damn it' of it all is that I'm not strong enough right now to choose between the two."
"Don't you love him?"
"I do. Very much." Sara raised her head to look at Warrick. " But do I love him enough to stand by his side and watch him ruin his life and slowly kill himself?"
"I don't know, Sara."
"That makes two of us 'Rick. That makes two of us…"
She sat down on the floor
And said I wish that I was stronger
Right now I feel as fragile as glass
Sara was in the AV lab talking to Catherine and Archie when they heard a disturbance down the hall.
"Did you hear that?" Archie asked.
"Yeah," Catherine replied. "Sounded like somebody's trying to rip a door off the hinges."
Then they heard the voices.
"Nick!" Grissom yelled. "You are NOT to be in this lab for the next two weeks. Now please remove yourself from my office and this building before I call security!"
"Wait a minute, Grissom. I know I was out of line today and I have been for a while, but I need to know if you've seen or talked to Sara."
"It's her night off, I thought she would be with you."
"We had an argument, and I left. I drove around thinking about everything that I'm throwing away. I'm ruining my life, Grissom. And I need her help. So I turned around and I went home, but she wasn't there. So I came here, and I can't find her." Nick fought to hold back the tears that were forming in his eyes. " And I need to tell her that I'm sorry and that she means the world to me. I'm ready to get the help I need. So if you see her, tell her I'm at home waiting for her, and I'll wait forever if that's what it takes."
"Why don't you tell her yourself?" Grissom pointed toward the doorway.
Nick turned around to see Sara standing in the hall. She didn't try to hide the tears that were streaming down her face. He ran to her and held her in his arms. "Oh honey, I'm so sorry. There's so much I need to tell you…"
"I heard every word, Nick." Sara backed out of his embrace. "I need to know that you're going to follow through with this."
"I promise you." He looked directly into her eyes. "I promise you that I will fix this. I'll go back to counseling and I'll stop drinking. But I need you here to help me."
"I want to believe you and I want to help you, so please don't make me regret this."
And I want to believe you
Believe what's held you has freed you
And I hate these doubts
That keep on coming back
My friends think I'm crazy
For staying here this long
But there's nothing more I want for us
Than to prove to them they're wrong
I don't want to be afraid
I don't want to think you're lying
And though I haven't found the faith
That I need
I'm Trying
I'm Trying
Nick held her face in his hands and wiped away the dark circles under her eyes where her mascara had pooled. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and said, "I don't want to hurt you any worse than I already have, Sara. If you need me to do this on my own, then I will. I'll give you some space and I'll figure everything out and then we can make a fresh start. You just say the word, and it's done." He lowered his hands to his sides and braced himself for whatever came next.
Sara spoke only one word. "No."
He asked, "Do you want me to leave?
'Cause if you do you know I will"
But she said much to his disbelief
No I love you, still
Oh I love you, still
Shocked and relieved at the same time, Nick opened his eyes. He found Sara sitting in the floor, her back propped up against the wall. He dropped to the floor beside her and as he took her in his arms he finally let his tears fall. "There are a lot of things I don't know, Sara. I don't know how I let myself get this far gone. I don't know why I didn't turn to you in the beginning. I don't know how long it'll take me to become the person I used to be, the person I NEED to be. But I do know one thing. I love you. And by loving me, you've saved my life, and for that I will be forever grateful."
He said I don't know why I've been the fool
But I can tell you this
Not a day goes by that I
Don't curse myself and all my sins
Then he dropped down to his knees
By now they both were crying
He said I haven't been the man I want to be
But I'm Trying
Oh, I'm Trying