"All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair."
"I don't care about whose DNA has recombined with whose. When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching-they are your family."
The first time Sirius Black saw Lily she was crying loudly for her mum. Tears were running down the girls face, her eyes red. She stood in the middle of the corridor holding onto a teddy tightly. It didn't look pretty, she didn't even acknowledge his presence except to take a breath as she prepared to let out another wail.
He watched her for a while before deciding that his attention could be better spent on tricking the house elves to give him chocolate while everyone was distracted. His parents were in the next room, their voices loud enough that he was able to hear outside in the foyer. That in itself was unusual, even at the early age of four Sirius had learned a few things. Never to ask too many questions. That the name Black was worth more than any individual of them could ever value to be and lastly that his mother ruled the house with an iron fist, his father's domain was outside their home.
Once his mission was completed he returned to the corridor where he could hear best what was happening. He bit into the chocolate frog as he once again observed the girl resisting the voice that was telling him to share it with her. He was the one who lied to get it and she was just useless crying so much, probably no fun to play with.
His mother's voice came clearly through the closed door. "Dishonouring the Black name! Bringing that abomination into our home."
"I had no choice! I won't let a daughter with my blood be raised like a filthy muggle!" his father who rarely ever raised his voice roared back.
"And yet it didn't seem like too much filth when you betrayed me!" sniped his mother. "I could forgive the mistake but to ask me to accept her...you forget who I am, who we are."
"That was an unfortunate mistake, one you must believe that I regret but when the child showed signs of magic, I knew my blood dominated more than anything her mother could pass on. She is a Black and she will live with us now." his Father didn't sound very sorry for whatever he had done, if anything it sounded factual.
"No, no, I refuse to let that half-blood be a part of our family, what will I say to everyone?"
"Make up whatever you like, I don't care but no child of mine wil-"
"YOU. SHOULD. HAVE. KILLED. HER." interrupted his mother piercingly. The girl he noticed had stopped crying loudly, though silent tears continued to pour down her face. His mother's voice continued to float between them. "Killed her when you found your mistake had led to something so unnatural. An abomination."
His father had no reply or if he did Sirius did not hear it. He realized he pressed his ear to the door to listen better, the girl opened her mouth as if to ask something and he quickly shushed her, she wasn't helping him to listen better now that he was actually paying attention.
And then his father's voice. "It's already done. The muggle courts believed her mother incapable of looking after the child and I've signed the papers. She's a Black now."
Sirius backed from the door looking at the girl once more and finally offered her some of his chocolate.
Within the next few months Lily had to learn a few things very quickly. She was home. Her last name was Black. She was to call Mrs Black her mother. Lily didn't mind this one, she was not her mum. To not ask her new parents many questions. She learned to stop crying very quickly.
Sirius Black learned about a new sibling and spent a long time trying to figure out when her birthday was so he could find out who was older. It didn't help matters that she barely talked to anyone. She was a silent presence haunting their house.
Some years later
Sirius when he was younger had always liked it when Lily was in the room. His parents had realized early on that he was a child that needed to be watched and disciplined but whenever Lily came into a room all the attention was on her. His father made excuses and usually left but his mother stared at Lily with such hatred that it made the room colder. When he was younger he didn't mind. It meant he could get away with mischief right under his mother's nose who was too busy hating Lily to educate him on how a proper pureblood heir should behave.
He can remember the exact day that changed. When Lily who was once again working at the futile task of trying to please his mother, to get a drop of affection from the people who are supposed to be looking after her, supposed to love her.
Sirius earlier had been trying to convince her to play with him. She is more fun, imaginative unlike Regulus who just follows blindly whatever games he invents. Lily has her own ideas and she gets him to change his but today she is adamant in her refusal.
"I'm busy right now, we'll play later," she says distractedly as she goes through the clothes in her dresser, a mess already on the floor. There's a magazine open atop the pile of clothes and Sirius squints trying to figure out what's got her so preoccupied before he realizes that it's one of his mother's. He shakes his head as he walks out the door slamming it behind him. Maybe Regulus will be more fun.
They're all in the sitting room later. His mother reading a book while the brothers have a board game between them. The door opens and she walks in. He regrets it now; he should have told her that it was a bad idea. He knew it was a bad idea. She's dressed up as much as she can from what's in her closet as one of the models in the magazine. Her hair styled like she's seen all the women her mother likes, like her older cousins. There's a slight shade of colour on her lips, red he notes. She must have got hold of a lipstick somehow. Lily walks awkwardly into the room not quite comfortable in the clothes she has decided to dress up in.
Her eyes watch his mother hesitantly as she speaks. "Do you like it? I saw it in the magazine you always get and-" her voice falters at their mother's expression but she bravely carries on though her voice has gone much quieter. "And you said that's how a young lady ought to dress like?" it becomes a question at the end.
His mother stands up slowly and before any of the three children in the room can take a breath. Her hand is already on its way towards Lily's face.
Smack.
The sound is so loud in the silence of the room and Lily falls to the floor, dark red hair covering her face. She stays motionless on the ground face turned away.
"You filthy whore! Dressed like that in my house. You're just like your filthy muggle mother. How- dare- you-" anger it seems has made his mother incapable of speech for a moment but she raises her hand again this time searching her robes for her wand as if to strike Lily again and again with magic. And Sirius finds his limbs unfreezing. He's across the room by Lily's side, in front of his mother. The surprise of it, he thinks stops her and she stares at them both for a moment before telling him to get out of his sight and to take the half-breed with him. Sirius helps Lily up as soon as she makes a movement to stand but she doesn't meet his eyes. Her lip is bleeding he sees from his mother's ring, he turns away from the sight to where Regulus is sitting the interrupted game they were playing scattered besides him. He meets his brother's eyes but Regulus looks away and only two children leave the room.
Later
Lily can hear Sirius outside her room, it's been stubbornly waiting outside after she locked him out and he hasn't left her door. Her tears are long dried by now.
"Lily come 'on, let me in, I only-"
As she opens the door she realizes that he was leaning against it as he practically falls into her room.
"Want to help." he finishes in surprise, his expression clearly showing disbelief at finally being let in.
Lily gives him a small reassuring smile restraining a wince at the pain it causes and makes her way to her bed again. She watches as Sirius closes the door behind him gently, turning the key to lock it once more. He has a damp cloth in one hand which he gently uses to wipe her face, the dried blood on her lips. A small gesture from Sirius and she scoots over to make room for him before pulling the duvet cover over the both of them. They lie in bed staring at each other in the darkness their eyes slowly adjusting.
Finally, after what seems like forever when she thinks he might be falling asleep she speaks.
"Why don't you hate me like everyone else?" her voice is afraid, hesitant even now under the covers in her bed. Not of their mother but because of him. She is fearful of his answer.
"Why should I? They're all Idiots, spouting rubbish all the time, even Meda says so." his answer is the truth as he knows it but she starts crying once again, tears silently streaming down her face.
"Why don't they love me? Am I bad?" these questions have plagued her for a long time but she's learned that a lot of the time it's better to hide what you really think or feel. She's too proud normally to show any vulnerability around her family but this is Sirius so she allows herself just this once.
Sirius grips her arm holding tightly as if to reassure her that he's not going to let go. He's quite for a while, thinking about his answer before he says truthfully. "I'll love you always, no matter what Lily even if you weren't my sister but just because you're you, you're Lily."
She doesn't ask any more questions after that, just reminds herself that she is good and kind and loved by someone. And because of who she is she can't entirely give up on the hope of receiving love from her mother and father, maybe one day they'll see how good she is. She promises herself that she will continue to try to love them and perhaps they will love her back. After all she loved Sirius and now he's told her that he loves her, she's his family.
Some years later
Her parents have taken them all to Diagon Alley. Sirius at her side keeps trying to break away so he can make his way to Quality Quidditch Supplies but mother's grip is unyielding and he can't quite get away. He gives a sour look towards her when he notices no one is holding her hand.
Regulus who always listens to what their parents have to say, is the prime example of the perfect child in their home speaks up. "Perhaps we could stop by quickly and take a look at the latest brooms? Sirius and I would be interested in playing for Slytherin at Hogwarts."
His mother exchanges a look with his father at that. "Orion perhaps you could take the boys while I went to Gringotts?"
Lily unable to restrain herself pipes up. "But I like to go too!"
For once it is her father who speaks to her "No. A shop like that is no place for proper young ladies, you'll go with your mother." he doesn't wait for her reply before heading in the direction of the shop. Sirius following with an unhappy glance in her direction.
Lily wants to kick something, her father always allows the boys more fun than her, she tries not to resent Sirius for being allowed to go but she is envious. Perhaps that anger is what causes her to be so rebellious that day. Her mother has carried on towards the bank expecting her to be following behind but Lily stops after a few steps and instead lets the crowd hide her. Today, she thinks is a day for exploring.
She has just broken a rule but finds that she cares very little as she observes everything surrounding her. Diagon Alley, she thinks must be one of the most magical places to be, it is crowded today, she knows because the first of September isn't too far off.
The voices from the crowd and magical objects catch her attention, making her wonder about the purpose of the objects. As she walks along the cobbled path making up stories about the people she passes by, she thinks perhaps this isn't too bad a way either to spend her day, not as good as her brothers but it certainly beats going to Gringotts with mother. She can't decide which way to look, the popping, sizzling, cracking sounds making her head turn.
Until unexpectedly her attention is caught by a deserted alleyway. It's small and narrow and looks quite mysterious, with the few signs she can see pointing directions to some shops. She follows until she's distracted by a murky store front, the glass is so dirty that it's unclear as to indicate the shop's contents. Lily makes her way right up to the window. There are hundreds eyes looking back at her from the display. The creepiness of the place takes her by surprise and she stumbles back a few steps. A gnarled hand lands on her shoulder and Lily lets out a startled scream as she takes off running. The witch shouts something after her but her heart is beating too loudly for her to hear what. Out of breath she finally stops, hands on her knees as she tries to catch her breath.
Straightening up she looks around for something familiar that can lead her back but everything looks the same. Feeling very small, Lily wishes that Sirius was with her, she could be brave with him besides her, and she doesn't think he would worry about being lost.
Lily feels the pressure on her neck that means she is being stared at, her mother had found her then but so quickly? She glances back to see for herself and is shocked to see several figures in dark cloaks, in some cases their faces completely hidden.
An old man approaches and it is he who speaks to her. "Not lost, are your dear?"
"No!" Lily shouts unintentionally loud, her voice frightened. "My brother is coming to get me."
"Let us take you to him, he must be concerned." the wizard says, he has slowly been moving closer and now his bony fingers claps Lily's shoulder as if to stop her from getting away. "What's your name child?"
"Lily." she replies trying to be brave, she wants to scream, this feels dangerous, everything she been warned against.
The man narrows his eyes at her as if he can see that she is ready to bolt at any moment, his hand grasping his wand in preparation.
Help comes from an unexpected source it's an older boy leaning outside a shop. "I'll take you to him."
"What?" Lily stares at him in shock. She realizes he's been quietly observing her.
"To your brother. Isn't that who you're with?" he asks archly. Long blonde hair tied back in a ponytail. He's quite tall she notes, looking around the same age as cousin Bella.
"Yes, yes I am." she glances around, the old man is watching the boy but doesn't say anything to her. He backs off as the boy raises an eyebrow at him.
"Are you coming?" he asks already walking towards a narrow lane.
Lily casts a nervous look at the people still lingering around and hastily catches up to him.
"So is there a last name to go with Lily?" he asks without looking back at her.
"It's Lily Black." she replies, keeping a little distance between them as she asks haughtily. "And who are you?"
"I thought you looked familiar." he mumbles without looking back at her. "Well it's fortuitous for you that I was here today and aren't you a little young to wandering by yourself?"
She narrowed her eyes at him. "Not that I'm not grateful for your- help but I'm not supposed to be following strangers around so if you could point me in the right direction please."
"You only get lost again, the way these alleys are and I'm not a stranger. I'm a Malfoy, Lucius Malfoy." he replies finally looking at her.
"I've been to your house." Lily says abruptly, relived that he wasn't a complete stranger. "For Christmas. You had a party and Sirius, Reg and I ate so much cake that we got sick the next day."
"Looking at you I find that hard to believe."
"No it's true. We ate a lot of cake." she insists. "It was chocolate I remember."
"So what where you doing in Knockturn Alley Miss Black?" he asked taking another turn.
"Nothing!"
"How about we try that again?"
"Nothing. Only I went exploring and got lost but don't tell Mother or I'll be in loads of trouble." Lily says it all very quickly as if she be in less trouble for it that way.
He laughed quietly. "Tell you what Miss Black. I wasn't supposed to be here today either, just came in to get some supplies for Hogwarts. So we'll trade secrets. I won't tell anyone you were there and in return you'll return the same favour to me."
"Deal!" Lily agrees eagerly.
"That's acceptable I think. Well Miss Black it was…interesting to meet you." he stops by the end of the alley and she can see the familiar crowd once more. "I leave you here today."
"Aren't you coming to get yours supplies?"
"My business isn't quite done yet but I'm sure we'll meet again."
He leaves without another word and she watches him until he turns the corner.
She's at a different entrance then the one she came in but she recognizes where she is. The clock at the owl emporium shows it has been almost half-an-hour since she had left. Lily runs through the crowd, dodging between the witches and wizards until she finally arrives at the pristine steps of the bank. She wonders what mother will do. Whether father has been informed and how she will be disciplined and feels a start of guilt at the worry she might have caused Sirius.
Her mother when Lily spots her is in conversation with her aunt. Mother has the pouch of gold in her hand. She must have arrived back from their vault.
"Well, you must come over before term starts, I would like to see the girls before their return to Hogwarts."
"Of course, they always-"
"Mother!" the voice that shouts is Regulus as he runs up telling mother the cool stuff he saw and the purchases he would make when it's his turn for Hogwarts. Following behind him is father and Sirius. Father joins mother and aunt in conversation but Sirius looks at her eyebrows raised in question.
Lily realizes that he has noticed her dishevelled appearance and sweaty face and she mumbles to him. "The dragon near the vault freaked me out."
Sirius shakes his head as if disappointed with her but Lily turns away her thoughts a whirlwind. Mother must have noticed her missing, she must have but she didn't do anything at all.
Some years later
Lily's plan is simple enough but she does need Sirius help so she tells him some lies. She makes up a story and convinces him the importance of sneaking into father's study. To be honest he doesn't need much convincing and is eager to do something that has the possibility to irritate their parents. Regulus is not informed of their plans either as much as they like Regulus they know when pushed their brother will break in front of mother.
Inside her father's study it is dark and gloomy with only a small desk lamp turned on so as not to catch the attention of anyone passing outside. Everything is neat and tidy, papers on the desk neatly stacked. Lily waste no more time looking around but rather starts a systematic search of every drawer and shelf she can see, keenly aware of the passing time fifteen minutes out of Sirius guaranteed thirty have already passed.
When at last one of the filing cabinets provide the result she needs. Her hands are shaking as she opens the file, when she tries out the name it sounds lovely she thinks like how it was meant to be and there it is, an address. Lily knows this might be her only chance for a while but if she rips the page it will be too obvious who came in. She stares at the address reading it again and again and again until she can see it with her eyes closed. It's enough for now and she doesn't have any more time she doesn't know what will happen if she's caught in here but it won't be pretty. They're not allowed in here under any circumstances. Taking one last look at the file she puts it back inside the cabinet making sure to adjust any minor changes that she had made in her search back to exactly how it was. On the stairs, she passes her father who is making his way towards his study, in his hand is a black belt clenched tightly.
Lily pales as she watches him becoming aware of the silence in the house. Sirius when she finds him is in his room. The door is unlocked and she lets herself in after knocking quietly.
"I'm fine." he assures her before she can ask.
"I'm sorry-" she starts to apologize, an unpleasant twist in her stomach at the thought of him hurt because of her. She can't bear the thought of it.
"Lily stop, did you get what you needed?"
"I just-" at the expression on his face. "Yes, yeah I got it."
"Good it's worth it then."
Lily doesn't reply, she wants to talk about it but she knows he won't like that. Sirius hates it when Lily tries to get him to talk about their parents. She knows that he will hate it if she shows a lot of concern. So, she lets him pretend that he's fine, that's he's got her distracted by his jokes as she laughs at something he says. She pretends everything is fine too.
Getting to Cokeworth had been one of the hardest things she's ever planned. Lily is resourceful but even for her keeping it a secret from Sirius is hard. They know each other too well and he is aware that she is hiding something but she rather have him angry at her then get in trouble with their parents. He would want to help and she doesn't want any of the blame on him if things should fail.
The real problem for her is father who would notice if she wasn't present for a while, mother she has found has proven herself convenient in her disinterest of her daughter.
The Floo Network cannot take her there and a Portkey is out of the question. She suppose she could borrow either of her parents wand but that's just asking to be caught, they would miss it too quickly and she might be arrested by Aurors and put into Azkaban as Mother had told Sirius when he broke that rule.
The only option isn't really a bad one, it just takes some time for her to convince one of their house elf Wendy to help her and to do it discreetly enough that Sirius is not aware of it. Wendy has always had a bit of a soft spot for Sirius and her.
"Mother and Father haven't expressly forbidden it have they? And you are supposed to help us any way you can Wendy. I only don't want Sirius to know because he might get in trouble."
"Mistress might not like it, perhaps if Miss Lily would just check-"
Lily buries the guilt she feels at her manipulation as she says. "I'm sure you agree that mother would prefer not to be interrupted by me and it would be best if we just do it quickly. Our little secret...It would make me most pleased by you. Come on Wendy, just this once."
Her persistence pays off and eventually Wendy agrees.
She picks the day when father usually stays late at work and after breakfast quietly executes her plan. It's difficult to explain away her absence to Sirius. If she says she's ill he might check in on her early and find her missing, she can trust him not to make a scene with their parents but he won't let it go with her. So she acts like she's bored and in his sight grabs a big chunky book to pretend to read in her room. Lily takes particular care on what she wears. Putting on a dress that she loves and taking care with her appearance she wants to look her best today. Her preference for shorts and jeans has always been frowned on by her parents and she doesn't want to make a bad impression today.
With a loud crack she arrives alongside Wendy in an unremarkable neighbourhood, in a street no different from any of the neighbouring ones. So this is Cokeworth, the difficulty of getting here has kept her from thinking about what to do when she does arrive. But with the house in sight she just stares at it. She's not sure how long she stands there before the door opens and a women comes out shouting something towards the house and a few moments later another girl follows, she looks to be about the same age as her but Lily can't be sure.
"Miss Lily, perhaps now we can go back?" Wendy pleads glancing around nervously. Though she is invisible to muggles now, Wendy still looks worried.
Lily doesn't reply she hasn't teared her eyes away from the women who doesn't notice her across the street and grabs the girl's hands and after a few moments Lily follows at a distance. They soon arrive at a park, where the women sits on a bench while the young girl runs off to play with some of the other kids there.
Lily can't stop staring at the women, there is something hungry in her expression as she looks at her. The women looks up a few times towards the girl she came with but otherwise concentrates on her book. Lily really wants to know what she's reading but to get so close is more frightening then she could imagine and really she thinks this is for the best otherwise she might have wasted the whole day staring at the house.
She sits down on the grass a patch of lilies nearby and as she watches the petals, they open and close, reaching her hand forward she picks it up. Lily contemplates a hundred different ways she might go up and introduce herself but a fear of rejection has become lodged in her heart. She doesn't think she could bear this rejection. She's not quite brave enough for that. She stays there until her mum and her sister get up to leave. Lily watches them go until they're out of sight.
Wendy pulls her arm to get her attention and Lily realizes it's been hours since she sat down. "We have to go miss."
When Lily's back home it is almost time for tea, she hurries to her room so she can pretend to have just come out but when she opens the door she see's someone is already in there. Sirius is asleep on her bed but as she closes the door he wakes up abruptly. He just stares at her for a second as if to make sure she's fine before quietly leaving the room without a word.
Sirius and Lily rarely fight but when they do it is a hurricane no one wants to get in the way off. That particular day was an unfortunate one to have a row for both of them. They had both arrived at platform nine and three-quarter with their mother and Regulus who wanted to see them off. Father had informed them that he was busy with work and would not be able to come today. To be honest neither of them had minded.
The station was packed with children everywhere, some crying as they said goodbye to their parents. Sirius scoffed at some of the drama and Lily had to restrain herself from rolling her eyes at him. Their family had no such problems neither of them expected anything from their mother and after they put their trunks in an empty compartment, came to say goodbye.
Regulus looked upset at being the one left behind stared glumly at the Hogwarts express behind them as their mother once again told them to behave.
"I'll write to you every week." Lily promises him as she gives him a hug. Regulus hugs back tightly and Lily wishes she could bring her younger brother with her somehow.
Sirius nodded along where appropriate but it could clearly be seen that his attention was on the surrounding students. He was angry at her she knew but she didn't care she hadn't done anything wrong. Telling Regulus about their hidden stash of muggle Knick knacks to appease his loneliness at the both of them leaving wasn't breaking their secret, it was sharing their adventures, but Regulus had shown the items to mother and they both gotten into trouble. Lily finds that sometimes Sirius can take sulking to the point of an art.
Once the train was on its way things only went from bad to worse. Lily had ended up in a fight with Sirius regarding Regulus and somehow ended up defending their entire family to him. She admitted that it had been a mistake to share their treasures with Regulus but before she knew it they were arguing about everything.
She had left to sit back in their compartment but Sirius came back some hours later joined by three boys, Lily ignored them all not even bothering with a polite hello. She turned her face away, looking out the window as she didn't want Sirius to see how upset she was. This was not how she imagined this day would be, she been looking forward to Hogwarts for a long time.
The boys were rapidly discussing some altercation they been in with another boy in the corridor and mocking the unfortunate boy from the sound of things they ganged up on him. She ignored the conversation around her. Stupid boys and their stupid fights she hoped this wasn't an indication for the rest of her year.
"So you really think your going to be in Slytherin?" The dark haired boy with the glasses was saying to Sirius.
"Not if that grease pan is in there." Sirius replied.
A chubby blonde boy sniggered at that.
There was a knock on their compartment door before it was opened by an elderly woman with a lunch trolley. "Any sweets dear?" she asked the compartment.
Lily moved to get some of her money out but Sirius had his in his hands already. "What so you want?" he asked her, he looked worried that perhaps Lily might ignore him in front of his new friends but she was tired from fighting and it seemed like he wanted to be friends again.
"Pumpkin pasties." she told him.
The rest of the boys got their sweets as the lunch lady went away and Sirius handed over the pasties, she felt the curiosity from the rest of the group. Sirius must have noticed it to. "My sister, Lily." he said to the other boys.
There was silence for a moment before the boy with the glasses blurted. "Your eyes are red. Have you been crying?"
Lily glared at him. "No."
"Do you have allergies?" he persisted.
"Yes! To nosy people. Mind your own business." she snapped at him.
A chocolate frog jumped out of the hands of the boy in the shabby clothes. The one who barely talked and looked like he been beaten up in a fight. The frog nearly escaped but Sirius caught it handing it back.
It broke the awkwardness that had settled in their compartment and gave Lily the excuse to turn away and take out a book to read. The rest of the journey was pleasant enough and she soon she be at Hogwarts.
Author Notes: I wanted to experiment with the idea of Lily and Sirius being actual siblings and how that would affect the story, let's see where that leads. Let me know what you think. Ideas, suggestion and reviews will be greatly appreciated.