I thought I was just finding my feet again, that my life had turned around and that I would have something to look forward to for once in my life. I thought I had escaped the life of a victim when my father died, no more physical or mental abuse, a time to start over. Getting the job on the trawler was a dream come true, things were changing and I had never been happier, then that arsehole came along and wrecked everything.
Do I have a sign plastered across my forehead saying "attack me", I mean everyone seems to think it is their god given right to hurt me. Since I was a kid I can't remember not being in a state of physical or emotional despair. Childhood is meant to be a happy time and parents are meant to love their kids unconditionally, yet mine was spent covering up bruises and being told how useless I was. Then just when that abuse finally comes to an end, I get a small window of enjoyment then I get shat on again.
When so much has gone wrong in my life it is hard to
imagine why I was put on this earth in the first place. Am I here
solely to be someone else's punching bag because honestly that is
what it feels like and I can't take it anymore. Seriously no one
would miss me, Brett doesn't give a shit, he is dad re-incarnated
and if he found out that I was gay he would probably treat worse than
dad did.
I can't help but feel dirty and used, at least when
dad hit me I had usually done something to deserve it, but this time
I did nothing whatsoever wrong. I have no self respect left; I think
Robbo stripped me of it, along with my dignity and my will to live. I
just want the pain to go away, I want to close my eyes and wake up in
a better place, somewhere where I can be happy.
I can't think of a better place to place then here to do it, the water is the only place that I have been truly happy. I have control over who is inflicting the pain, for once in my life I am in control. I am the one judging how deep and how long to cut, and it feels so good to be in control. It seems so right to do this, finally I might have peace, the cuts are meant to hurt but all I can feel is the pain leaving my body I feel at peace with the world for once. I feel happy knowing that I might finally find happiness.